So I texted her, not really upset as she was, I soon realized. I was hanging out by myself watching some important soccer, so I texted back something innocuous but showing that I am empathizing with her. That conversation petered out, though, so after I got home and then when I woke up Wednesday morning I thought I would check up on her. "Do you need me to do anything?" I basically asked, to which she replied, "No, just stop talking about it." Now I know she's mad about this, and I have to now understand whether she is mad at me. So I ask her, and she says, "Yes, but stop talking about it."
Well, fuckin' A. She obviously is upset that my name appears on a piece of mail (junk mail she said -- she threw it away) that has my name on it. I don't know why or how that happened. But it's dawned on me that she blames me for this. I texted her, both Tuesday night and Wednesday, how she wants me to help solve this. But telling me to stop talking about it isn't solving a goddamn thing. She just shut me down, and not only is that not productive, but it's pretty damn hurtful, too. She won't let me fix this, so the only thing I can think of as to why she is acting like this is because she's mad at me and she wants to stay mad at me.
I thought for a long, long time to just end the conversation by giving her the middle finger emoji. Shit, I'm still thinking about giving her that. But I have to look to the long term, stop needing to have the last word, and not do anything that could really, really piss her off, even though by what she said she's already plenty pissed.
We have very occasional blow-ups. I don't remember the last time she was this upset with me. But whenever we do, it's a damn knock-down drag-out. She can be extremely petty and unreasonable, and in turn, I decide I need to be defensive. So, instead of giving her the finger, I didn't come back on her at all. In fact, I muted her on WhatsApp. And I would mute her on Facebook too if I knew how to do that without blocking her entirely.
I hate how she's making me feel. Out of all the family members, I'm the closest to her. She's the only one I think I can be honest and even a bit vulnerable with. I think she understands me more than the others. But I don't understand her right now, and I have spent a long, long time since this "exchange" thinking about what she thinks of me right now and when all of this is going to be over. I'm trying to help, but her silent treatment is making me angry because I don't deserve that. And I really, really don't know how in the fuck my name got on a piece of junk mail sent to her place.
This fucking sucks. I feel like the black sheep of this family, but moreso now that I'm fighting with the only family member I am on good terms with.
No comments:
Post a Comment