The Five Best Commercials Of Super Bowl XLV

It could just be me, but I don't remember this year's set of Super Bowl commercials getting so much buzz in a long time. Whether it be the reaction (both positive and negative) surrounding many of them or the ability to voice your opinion on them instantly on Twitter, everybody's talking about them now. There were a lot of people who think the coverage of Super Bowl ads are all hype. Well, it's never going to go away, but this year shored up the steak behind the sizzle. It showed that these spots, if they're good ideas done well, still have the ability to surprise and offend, to make you laugh and/or cry.

Which are the best? The following are My Top 5.

First of all, here's some that won't be in My Top 5:

• The people voting in USA Today's annual SB Ad Meter fucked up yet again, giving first place to two commercials, both involving dogs. It's the first time ever in the paper's ranking of Super Bowl ads that there's a tie at the top -- but both suck. It's the Doritos ad where the guy wants to bait a pug into slamming into a screen door, but the pug knocks the door and the guy down, and the Bud Light commercial where the dog sitter makes them help with his party. I'm sick of Super Bowl spots that liberally use animals; it's a tired premise. Also, the fact that Bud Light once again races down to the lowest-common denominator is typical and lame -- and I'm OK with some Bud Light commercials. But companies use pets in ads because they're popular, as seen in the full rankings here. Another sign that people as a group suck.
• That stupid Careerbuilder ad with the chimps. For I think the third year in a row, chimps at work piss off some human. Wasn't funny then, isn't funny now.
• The Volkswagen commercial with the kid in the cutest Darth Vader costume ever trying to use "The Force." Didn't hate it, I just thought it was just OK. A lot of people found it endearing, though -- after 13 million viewers saw it on YouTube, where it "aired" for the first time days ago, apparently.
• The Audi advertisement where the two rich guys bust out of minimum-security prison. One of the two breakouts gets tricked into his Mercedes-Benz, which immediately drives back into jail; the other was smart to hop into an Audi and race to freedom. Is this supposed to make me root for one rich guy over another? I still hate that Wall Street got a multi-billion dollar bailout; I want both those assholes back in jail.
• The Pepsi Max spot where the guy gets hit in the nuts with a can. Another tired Super Bowl convention: crotch shots. Now, whenever I see a Pepsi Max, I'll think of a crotch. Thanks.
• The Doritos one with the guy licking the Doritos flavor from his co-worker's fingers. Utilizes a unique aspect of eating the food (the orange stuff gets on your hands), so it stands a better chance of actually promoting the product, which is always a problem with Super Bowl spots. Still thought it was kind of gross. That same guy pulling his co-worker's pants off so he can smell the Doritos he smeared on them kind of ended it on a down note for me. This and the pug one are not the funniest amateur ads for Doritos during the Super Bowl.
• The E*Trade baby. Just creeps me the fuck out every time I see that damn thing.
• The Stella Artois spot. I see the British Television Advertising Awards when they're at the Walker every year, and there's always a Stella Artois ad that gets awarded, and I don't get them. They're at best halting, at worst pretentious. And I like Adrien Brody, he seems like a cool dude, but it's not enough for me to like the advertisement.
• The NFL one featuring clips of TV shows where the characters are wearing team clothing. Why in the hell are people loving this spot? I would if it were real, but it's not.
• The Groupon spot where a PSA for Tibet turns into Timothy Hutton saying he got a discount to a Tibetan restaurant. I don't remember a commercial that walked that fine line between satire and tastelessness. I'm kind of offended, but I still admire that they took a right turn right in the middle of the ad; that's a good sign of a ad agency pushing the envelope. Why I ultimately left it out of My Top 5: I cannot believe a successful actor like Timothy Hutton would use a coupon.

Herewith, my top 5:

5) Pepsi MAX, "First Date"



I've been trashing the use of tawdry sexual innuendo, so why am I putting this one fifth? Because it's not just about tawdry sexual innuendo. I'm a sucker for The Differences Between Men And Women, and in particular they're totally correct that a guy can only think of one thing at a time. And it ended on a funny note while re-emphasizing that this dude is a plodding dolt when he didn't know whether his date (who somehow can read his thoughts -- suspension of disbelief is your friend) isn't getting her can of Pepsi MAX or her.

4) Teleflora, "Help Me Faith"



Just like the Pepsi MAX advertisement, there are tones of sweetness, honesty, humor and a sense of pathetic-ness (is that a word?) I can relate to. Plus, there's Faith Hill. Not only is she hot, she did a good job acting naturally. And I have to give her credit for being a sport about a commercial with the line, "Your rack is unreal." Now everybody'll be checking out her rack whenever she's doing a concert.

3) Chrysler, "Imported From Detroit"



Full of itself? Probably. False, given that Chrysler took taxpayer bailout money for failing to be competitive and becoming lazy and bloated? Possibly. I'm still enthralled.

First of all, I don't remember the last time I saw a two-minute commercial on TV. It may have run long for some, but I was riveted throughout just by its length. And it's a big risk to talk somberly about Detroit, the butt of this nation's jokes for so long. But the message I got was that this is a city that has been beaten down for years, but it's getting back up, and it still has its pride, and it doesn't think there's anything wrong with it. And I believe it.

Actually, the essay in another American car commercial, made sometime last year by Jeep, says the same thing, namely that this country was built with every car that ran through its assembly lines, and I think it did it better and with more focus. Maybe the venue gave this defense of Detroit more exposure. Or maybe the repeated guitar stings that open Eminem's "Lose Yourself," which I always thought was a treacly, Up With People-type song that ran contrary to the rapper's image, perfectly infused the underdog spirit of this ad, the company and the city (as well as recontextualized the song with bracing energy; I think I might like the song now).

What sealed it for me, however, was Marshall Mathers himself. He's a huge star, possibly the greatest rapper today ... but he's never left his hometown of Detroit. His "bitch I'mma kill you because I'm a crazy motherfucker!!!" itensity makes clear one thing, even if the accoutrements surrounding him are not really true: He doesn't do things half-ass. So when he walks up to the stage of the Fox Theatre, backed by a gospel choir, turns to the camera with a scowl that represents the unbowed will of the people he speaks for, points to the camera and says, "This is the Motor City, and this is what we do" before walking away, you are reminded what Detroit stands for, and what this city has meant for the history of our country. Eminem, who also appeared in a much lighter Brisk tea commercial, is one hell of a salesman, because you get the sense that, at the very least, he can act like he means what he says.

2) Bridgestone, "Reply All"



I can empathize with this office drone's desperation and paranoia. And I thought this was really damn funny. The lengths to which he went to to snatch or destroy the devices of everyone whom he didn't want to see the e-mail he "mistakenly" sent "Reply All" to stacked up upon each other. In particular, I liked him ambushing a guy sitting on a park bench by jumping from a tree.

There's a chance people could remember this is a tire ad because of the shots of the squealing tire, maybe not. But I consider this to be the Super Bowl's underrated gem.

1) Doritos, "House Sitting"



This is the best Doritos commercial in Sunday's game -- and the best commercial in Sunday's game, period. I put this at the top not only for its premise -- guy who needs to clean up the place for his friend finds out Doritos has god-like powers -- but the way they managed to create a story in 30 seconds. There was not one, but two obstacles for the house-sitter to overcome, and yet it didn't feel crammed or rushed. And while the resurrections built up to its absurd conclusion, I have to admit I didn't see it coming. The ending was outrageously funny, but it hit me at a soft spot, too; if only Doritos crumbs could bring back my grandmothers. A great story very well told; no Supe Bowl ad was better than this one.