So I was leaving "work" at the U. The University of Minnesota is an urban campus, but there are a lot of tress to make it look as natural an institution of higher learning as possible.
I was walking a path toward my car when I saw a squirrel statue. I'm pretty sure there are no statues of squirrels on campus.
As I cross it, the statue started to move. Of course it was a live squirrel, it was just spacing out and looking. But then, a squirrel on the trunk of a tree close by leaps at and jumps on top of the stone-line squirrel, doggy-style, as if it's fucking her. She (I've decided to ascribe this squirrel the feminine sex) screams and tries to get away, only for the humping squirrel to chase after her.
She then flees into a bush across the pathway I walked on. It's not like your everyday bush -- it has a bunch of long leaves and is quite beautiful. But this is where the squirrel that was being attacked went into for hiding, presumably. Unfortunately, the attacking squirrel and another squirrel dove into the bush after her.
As I was waiting for the walk sign to pop up, I heard an ungodly sound. It definitely sounded like the squirrels were ... I can't believe I'm saying this ... gang-raping this squirrel. She was making this sound I've never heard a squirrely, nor any animal for that matter, emit. It was a high-pitched series of shrieks. Do you know those squeaky toys that make a sound whenever yous squeeze its middle? If you did it quickly and repeatedly for, like, 10 or 15 seconds, it would probably sound like what I heard this afternoon.
Do squirrels rape? I read somewhere once that the only two animals that commit rape are humans and ducks. But that was a long time ago, so I or what I read could be wrong. If those screams from inside the bush, along with some scary shaking of the leaves, were coming from a woman, I'd have to do something about it. As it was, I still think I had to stop this evil action. But I was scared to get hurt, like the raping squirrels would bite my legs and then I would have to get rabies shots.
So I did the best that I could do that I thought off the top of my head: I went up to the bush, took off my hat, and swatted at the top of the leaves of the bush in order to scare off the attackers. It didn't work. There were other people walking past me, and they had to have heard the squirrel's cries. I know I looked like a damn fool or even a crazy man, but I didn't care. I had to do something!
I was not able to stop; the rapists did. I saw one come out and scurry back up the tree. Peeking around the bush, I saw another one, standing outside but stoically looking in, like he's trying to see something or inside -- or preventing what's inside from getting out.
Where is the raped squirrel? I saw three go in the bush but only two leave. Did she escape? Or is she still in there?
The assault stopped, however. So had the piercing, God-awful screaming. It was too late; I was a cowardly bystander to an act of evil. As I crossed the street I looked back at the scene of the crime. The squirrel which climbed up the tree trunk bolted back down and, I think, delved back into the bush.
I'm afraid I didn't go back. I had the right-of-way, and I needed to go home and put away my laptop before Father sees it and starts questioning me.
The squirrel's screams still echo in my head and punish me.
This was really well written. I had Google'd "do squirrels rape each other" and stumbled upon your post. Thank you for the narrative, I definitely feel for the victim.
ReplyDeleteTho, this was a long time ago. Who knows where that squirrel could be now.