Gift Wrapping Is An Unlearnable Skill And A Niche Industry

So it's my niece's birthday.  For once I was proactive in getting the gifts.  The problem now is that I don't know how to wrap them.  I think I had done it while I was really young, but back then I realized how much I sucked at it, so I had Mother do it, or, to be quite honest, I didn't buy a gift at all.  That's right -- I learned not to buy gifts because I didn't learn the art of gift wrapping.

But I'm a grown-up now, and I have a niece to whom I want to show love, so I have to buy presents.  I have been able to avoid this situation because I would always send the presents (in the name of myself and my parents) to her mother/my sister-in-law, who knows how to wrap gifts.  But over the holidays she basically that she was done with all that.  I don't think she meant just me having her wrap gifts.  I think she meant being my brother's wife.  But I don't know that.  But I won't bring it up either.  Bottom line -- I am now on my own when it comes to getting gifts wrapped.

Where in the hell can I go in this town to have this done for me?  Hell, where do I even find just one damn box to put these gifts in?  A couple times a long, long time ago I got them wrapped at, of all place, the Rosedale customer service department.  Hell if I know how they did it, but the people who helped you find out where in the mall to go had this set-up where you could walk up to them, give them gifts that needed to be boxed and wrapped, and they'd do it.  That remains a mind-blowing thing a mall just offers to do, and year-round, not just for the holidays.  Alas, it is a bygone feature of their customer service; they say on their website that they don't do that anymore.

There is one store in the Twin Cities that says they just do gift wrapping.  I left them a message but haven't heard back.  There was also, I believe, a company that picks up and drops off gifts.  That seems way too complicated for my need to have someone find a box and wrap my gifts up in it, but come to think of it, having a brick and mortar spot just for that service probably makes no sense.  Regardless, I e-mailed them -- no response.

Shit, man, I have to do this myself.  I'm now reduced to shopping for boxes.  (I looked in the seldom-opened closet right next to my bedroom; there is wrapping paper in there.)  But wait!  How about a gift bag?  I don't need to wrap anything then; I'll just throw them in a bag, then put some fancy-ish tissue paper on it so my niece can't just peer into the bag and see what I bought her.  I need to buy a bag, but at least there are bags to be bought, unlike boxes!  And I won't get frustrated over cutting out too little wrapping paper, or butchering the folding and taping.  Yeah, gift bags -- that's the ticket!

So I need to buy all that stuff after I wake up.  Hopefully I won't fuck this up.  But maybe I will.

Holy shit ... both the Timberwolves and the Wild won last/Thursday night, and thus won their First Round series last/Thursday night.  It's the first time ever that both the Timberwolves and Wild made it to the Second Round of their respective playoffs in the same Year.  Ever.  That's how shitty Minnesota sports has historically been.

And moreover, the Twins won last/Thursday night, too!

Seriously, could yesterday/Thursday be The Greatest Day In Minnesota Sports History?

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1 (tie): Wild and Timberwolves (Last Week, respectively: -4 and -1).  I'll keep this short and sweet, mostly because I'm tired and I have to get up early in the morning.  Both winter pro sports teams have managed to get 3-2 leads in their respective series, they both get a chance to win their series at home, and they both attempt to do it tonight/Thursday night.  Honestly, I was dreading that both teams would get eliminated on the same night.  But both teams advancing on the same night?  Posh!  Of course, this sets up the dreaded possibility that both teams lose and face a Game 7 and oblivion on the road.  But for this time, I will try and be positive, and I will perch both clubs in the top spot in the hopes that they'll make Thursday, April 30, 2026, one of the most memorable days in Minnesota sports history.

By the way, while I was going to the Band Of Horses concert tonight, my friend texted me saying he has two tickets to the Timberwolves Game I could have.  I accepted.  I will either get to celebrate a fantastic series Win ... or see my local basketball team fuck this up.  Lord, I hope I don't make a mistake.

#-2: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -3).  With the exception of women's lacrosse, if you're a Big Team on a losing streak, the best thing to break that is to face fucking Northwestern.  The male Gopher Nine did so over the weekend, and the swept the Wildcats by a combined score of 27-6.  The U. mercy-ruled Northwestern on Friday's opener at Siebert, 13-1 in seven Innings.  That beatdown mentality carried over to Tuesday, where they slaughtered St. Thomas at home by a score of 12-1, also in seven Innings.  I highly doubt this changes their NCAA Tournament chances, but this squad have won five in a row.

At Penn St. for three this weekend.

#-3: Twins (Last Week: -2).  A couple Weeks ago, when it looked as though the Twins regulars have sorted things out and have begun to fight like a real team, I was ready to believe these guys were at least somewhat for real.  This organization has managed to surprise the fanbase with overachieving bands of nobodies many times over the years.  Alas, the cynics appear to be right in thinking the Twinks are who they thought they were, going 1-6 this screening Week which includes a three-Game sweep at Tampa.  The Bullpen has been absolute shit lately, including yesterday/Wednesday afternoon's 5-3 Loss at Target Field to Seattle where the Twinks held a 3-2 lead heading into the top of the ninth Inning, but some dude named Eric Orze got shaken down for three Runs that gave the Mariners the victory.

The 13-18 Twinks host Toronto for four this weekend, then travel to Washington to face The Bastard Montreal Expos for three starting Tuesday.

#-4: United FC (Last Week: 0).  The unbeaten streak the Loons enjoyed has ended with a mighty thud.  On Saturday afternoon, with James Rodriguez making his first start for MNUFC, they lost at Allianz Field to LAFC, 1-0, in a battle between teams tied for third place in the West on Points.  I remember once hearing, I believe, British soccer play-by-play man Derek Rae say, after Russia upset Spain in Penalty Kicks in the 2018 World Cup, "You have to remember that football, at its very core, is a stupid Game."  Minnesota United had the ball almost 62% of the time, they got 23 shot attempts, and their xG was almost at 2.  Meanwhile, David Martinez scored in the ninth Minute by an impossibly acute angle, and that's why Laugh-See won.  It almost makes one question why they're a season-ticketholder.

The Loons continue their strangely long streak of playing West Coast teams by visiting a suddenly game San Jose club Tuesday night for a U. S. Open Cup Round of 16 tie.  And, unfortunately, they were eliminated from that combination by a 4-2 score.  Oh, well; at least I won't feel pressured to buy tickets for any U. S. Open Cup Matches at home anymore.

They're at Columbus Saturday evening.

#-5: Gopher softball (Last Week: -4).  Alright, something with this program simply isn't working.  Not after Wisconsin came to Cowles and swept the Goofers by a combined 16-4 score.  What a way to end the home portion of your regular season, huh?

The end of the season can't come fast enough, but luckily for these softballers, it'll end this weekend with a trio at Northwestern.

Seizing An Opportunity, Or Throwing Money Away?

I have to admit I haven't been going through my stuff as much as I thought I would now that my parents have been gone for almost four months.  And when I say "as much," I mean almost not at all.  I hadn't even looked at the boxes I brought in from storage until Monday night, and even then I have only thrown one piece of paper away because I had a duplicate sheet of paper with the exact same information on it.

Meanwhile, the shit in my storage unit keeps piling up.  It is way over my head now.  Moreover, there are containers I've bought that are precariously on top of paper bags of my stuff that probably have shifted.  It's all too much, obviously, and beyond the fact that I need the will to go through it all and the time in which to think and to, if I want, peruse all the magazines and other reading material that make up the vast majority of my stuff, I need some space in which to move stuff around.  Can't do that now that my 5x5 is just about full.

So that is why I had been thinking, for some time, about getting another storage unit.  And I really, really want to get one for the short term, just to give me that space.  Yes, famous last words, but I'm too hemmed in to do stuff right now.  And besides, if I had two storage units, I could literally re-do my storage unit so that, once I am ready to go back down to one, I would have everything in the unit I want to keep all tidy and organized because I would have a spot in which I could reorganize everything.  As much as I would like to go through my things in my basement, it'd be much better if I could do it all in one building.  Having another storage unit there helps me do that.

I finally began looking to see if the unit place had another unit open.  They did, and the 5x10, which would have been perfect, was put up on special, like a 33% discount if you paid for half a year.  But I had till the end of the month, or Friday, to rent it.  After thinking for several days about whether I want to sink a few hundred more dollars into a storage unit I may be keeping for the long term (if I were being honest with myself), I decided, yes, this would spur me into finally getting my butt into gear and to actually go through my stuff.

Last/Tuesday night I went online to rent the 5x10 ... and the deal was gone.  The unit was there, but the only price point available was a month-to-month, and it was expensive.  However, there was just one more 5x5 available at that same 33% discount and which also expired on Friday.  It's not what I wanted; instead, I'm getting the exact same-sized unit.  But still, it doubles the amount of space in which I can store my stuff (temporarily, I say to myself).  Do I pass this by?  Do I wait and potentially allow someone else to get this?  Finally, do I say to myself I'll think it over and then completely forget about it by Friday?

The amount at which I'm getting the unit is a relative steal.  I don't know how much it would be if I need to extend use of the second unit for another half-year, but I won't have to deal with that problem until just before Halloween.  So I got it.  I don't exactly know where it is, but if it's not right across from the unit I have now, it's close.  I'm imagining spending an afternoon being productive by shuttling between units, throwing things away, reading magazines all by myself, and finally putting order to chaos.

Or will I?  I still have several boxes of things I haven't gone through downstairs, and it's been four months.  I might swing by the unit place (with the circle lock -- which, I should say, I bought on Sunday anticipating my decision to rent out this second storage unit) and start ... or I might push it off till this weekend ... or do it next weekend ... or next month ... or never, and I will have wasted hundreds of dollars because I just didn't want to expend the energy to do the thing I know, deep down, I should do.  But if I do do this, I needed to get this rental now while it's on sale.  Otherwise, if I decide I need a second storage unit later, it'll cost me even more money.  Or, I could just tell myself I could just finally get around to looking through my stuff and, you know, do what I promised myself I would do.

What I do or don't do about this situation will tell me a lot about myself, I'm afraid.

Just realized that the downside to eating leftovers and thus saving money by not eating out is that you have to do the dishes almost every single damn day.  Did it for dinner last/Monday night and I have so many dirty dishes and silverware that I just decided to stop before doing them all.  Because why?  I have a blender I'll need to clean this week because I need to finish a smoothie, so I might as well pace myself and do the rest of the dishes with the blender some other night ... assuming I don't make more dirty dishes and silverware that'll be too much for me to do all at once.  It's expensive to eat out, but at least I don't have to clean up after myself.  Sheesh.

A Sign -- Leaning Against A Dumpster, But Maybe From Above -- Told Me To Not Dump Illegally

Saturday I had a few things I needed to do.  Before scooting over to the bank to grab some money, I was going to take out the trash because the can is full.  Now, because I create such little waste (thank you very much for your applause) my parents cancelled trash service because it wasn't necessary.  We figure instead that I can just go to a gas station and throw it in one of their garbage cans, right?

But inattentive me drove past the gas station.  I saw the bank when I realized I forgot to dump the trash, but I was too exasperated to drive back to the gas station.  Not knowing what to do, what appeared before me, like an oasis in the desert, was this huge, industrial-size dumpster just outside the local clinic, which is right next to the bank.  Score!  So I didn't have to double back at all; I just parked and tossed the bag of trash into the dumpster.  Problem solved!

It was a long day for me, but it was a day filled with fun.  After attending the MNUFC Loss (I'll talk about it in the WMNSS), I went to a local brewery now known for showing Timberwolves playoff Games outside on their parking lot.  On my way from where I parked my car to the brewery, I noticed in a parking lot (this is located in an industrial area) a huge dumpster, one much bigger than the one at the clinic.  And there was what appeared to be a giant whiteboard or poster board leaning against it.  It has words on it.  I like to read things, and I had time before the Game started, so I broke off and walked down to the parking lot to read it.

Paraphrasing, it said, "Do not throw your trash in here.  That's illegal dumping.  We have cameras all pointed at this parking lot.  If you do dump your trash here, we'll find you, and we'll catch you.  So smile, you're on Candid Camera!"

Oh, shit.  I didn't think I would get in trouble, but a part of me thought while I was tossing in my bag that I wasn't absolutely sure I wouldn't get in trouble.  This may be serendipity or pure dumb coincidence, but I took it as a sign that I shouldn't throw my trash where I guess I'm not allowed to throw it.

So, once the Game was done (the Wolves won!), I went back to the clinic.  I was able to fish out the bag of trash, and, come to think of it, the gas station was on the way back home.  So I put it there, where I initially intended to toss it.  So, to use a basketball phrase, no harm, no foul, right?  Well, I'll see if the local police knock on my door in the next week for something I made right.

Man, I think I logged onto VEF for the first time on Google ever.  Don't think I want to do that.  Maybe it's time for the laptop to get a cleaning.

So I finally talked to Mother about the mail.  Niece's birthday is coming up, and Mother remembered that, and she wants me to get money from the bank.  So I'm going to have to line up at the bank this morning.

But that's not something that sets me off.  This sets me off: She says that she'll pay me back ... "when they get home."  GODDAMMIT, DON'T REMIND ME THAT YOU'RE COMING HOME!!!

Goddamn, My Cock's Getting A Workout

So I went to a stripper party after work on Monday.  I am going to one after work tonight/Friday night.  Another one of my stripper girlfriends is hosting one at her place next Friday.  And I just got a text from ***e* that she is in town and wants to see me for a "quickie" this weekend.  I told her I am free Sunday afternoon.

That means that over the next dozen days, I'll get wanked (and maybe moreso) four times.  I've wondered if I'm still virile enough to put out now that I'm the big 5-0.  My potency has gone down in the last decade-plus, but I can still pud out a bit.  Will that change now that I have to perform four times over the next twelve days?  We shall see!

(Aside: Not only is my dick getting a workout; my wallet is, too.  Need to mind that.)

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#0: United FC (Last Week: 0).  Since getting cucked 6-0 in Vancouver on The Ides Of March, they've been riding a six-Match unbeaten streak.  Better yet, they won both of their Games this Week, shutting out Portland at Allianz Field Saturday by a 2-0 scoreline (even though the Loons had the run of play and could have scored at least two more Goals), then going to down to Dallas last/Wednesday night and pulling out a 1-0 victory when Owen Gene (look how his Game has grown!) found Anthony Markanich, who rebounded his own miss at the 32nd Minute.

They're currently tied for third in Points in MLS' Western Conference.  And they will host the club with which they're tied -- star-studded LAFC in a Match Saturday that was moved up from the nighttime to the afternoon so this could get on network TV.  Then on Tuesday, they play in the Eighth-final of the U. S. Open Cup at San Jose, which currently leads the West in MLS and just scored four Goals in about 11 Minutes late in the Second Half last/Wednesday night to obliterate Austin in Cali, 5-1.

Oh, by the way, I feel like this team is doing quite well right now.  But this past Week was a down Week for local sports, and frankly, since the Timberwolves were stopped in The Western Conference Finals the past two Years, I don't feel as though they deserve a 0.  (A 2-0 lead when you win both Games on the road?  I would think about giving a 0 in that case a lot.)  Then, I rely on my principle of no digit gaps in the WMNSS.  In other words, I don't want to put MNUFC in Positive Numbers and then put the Wolves at -1.  There has to be a 0, and I decided it was going to be United FC backing down.

#-1: Timberwolves (Last Week: -2).  It's only two Games, but damn, what a turnaround after a humbling Game 1 Loss at The Denver Nuggets.  Tim Connelly built Denver, so he knows how to defeat Denver, and even though they won only one Game so far this series (let alone only once in the regular season), the T-Wolves have traditionally had the Nuggets' number.  Now, to hold serve for Games 3 and 4.

#-2: Twins (Last Week: -1).  The fucking worm turned.  They were leading their Division this time last screening Week, but a 1-4 record this past Week, low-lighted by a sweep at home by Cincinnati and then enabling The New York Mets to win and break a 12-Game losing streak last/Wednesday, has dropped them back to earth at terminal velocity.  It's still early in their season, which is why I ranked the Twinks over the teams below them in a very bad Week for local sports teams.  But let's see if they can turn things around visiting Tampa this weekend, then hosting Seattle for three starting Monday.

#-3: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -3).  Should we be glad somewhat that their sweep at #1 UCLA could have been worse?  We shouldn't be counting moral victories, but yeah.  They lost by scores of 4-2, 6-4, and 5-2 -- all not heinous embarrassments.  Take it as a life lesson.  And they quadrupled up North Dakota St. Tuesday at Siebert, 12-3.  They finish a five-Game homestand by hosting Northwestern over the weekend, then St. Thomas Tuesday.

#-4: Wild (Last Week: -4).  I don't think they'll beat The Bastard North Stars because I think God hates me.  Still, I want them to beat the ever-loving shit out of The Team That Was Stolen From Us v.2.0.  And things were good to start off the series, with Minnesota absolutely emasculating Dallas in Dallas, 6-1.  They lost Game 2, but at least they got home-ice advantage ...

... which they lost just now.  Game 3 was at the Gica last/Wednesday night, and since it went to double Overtime and the Game itself started at 8:30, it ended around 1 in the morning and it ended with those motherfuckers winning back home-ice.  So glad I wasn't there.  But we're facing yet another Mild elimination in the First Round, and yet again at the hands of The Team That Was Stolen From Us.  Don't go out like bitches.  Don't go out like that!

#-5: Gopher softball (Last Week: -5).  The hits ... well, they keep on coming in the sense that the Goofer softballers continue to get battered around this season.  They didn't hit that much over the weekend, when Nebraska (ranked either sixth or fourth depending on which poll you go to) swept them.  Yes, the U. baseballers also got swept, but 1) the softballers were hosting and 2) they got mercy-ruled twice, following Friday's 4-0 Shutout with a 17-2 ass-kicking (which, of course, ended after only five Innings) Saturday and an 11-2 humiliation Sunday afternoon that ended after six.  They "rebounded" Tuesday and tripled up North Dakota at Cowles, 6-2.  But the sweep is the true mark of how this squad, and this program, is going -- namely two-thirds bad, with a Big Ten record of 6-12 and an overall record of 15-30.

For the first time I can remember, Minnesota ain't playing Wisconsin only twice in the form of a Doubleheader played mid-Week.  They host the Badgers this weekend, the final three Games of a seven-Game homestand.