The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -4).  I'm not wowed by any team that played this Week, but I cannot overlook the U. "footballers" annihilating Colorado College Sunday afternoon at Robbie Stadium by a 5-0 score.  The team finishes 4-1-1 in non-conference action, so it's Big Ten foe after foe now till the end of the conference tournament.  They host Iowa tonight/Thursday night, then travel to play at Penn St. Sunday afternoon.

#-2: Gopher football (NEW SEASON!!).  Despite them crushing only a second-Division team, I can draw hopeful signs of their 59-7 immolation of Eastern Illinois at Huntington Bank Thursday ... foremost among them being that they rightfully kicked ass over an inferior program.  Not too long ago, you could see the Gophers struggling with a team like the Panthers.  I want to believe that this professional performance means we will see some smarts from the U. gridiron footballers throughout the season.

Mississippi St. comes to town Saturday.  If I weren't working the Game, I would go see it.  I am always intrigued when a BcS school that's not from the B1G play in the Twin Cities.  I mean, when would be the next time you see a school that you see on TV so often play up here?  For the record, this is the first time the U. has hosted an SEC team since Vanderbilt in the '59 season.  That's 67 Years, or two-thirds of a Century, ago.  The Gophs are a slight favorite.  If you have a chance to watch in person, go.

#-3: United FC (Last Week: -1).  So the bottom now drops out, and as it has happened so often, it's the pro teams bringing up the rear.  Have to tell you that the fanbases for both the Loons and the Twins are dejected.  But whereas the Twins' fanbase has rapidly lapsed into resignation (see below), the fanbase for MNUFC has reached apoplexy.  And it may be because I'm in the bubble of this since I'm a season ticket-holder, but people are mad.  This feels as toxic as the following of a college football team -- or, come to think about it, any other soccer team in the world.

Yeah, they lost both their Matches this Week.  You would think by some social media braying (some coming from people I know) that they lost at Portland and home to Dallas 10-0.  No, they were one-Goal defeats.  Furthermore, on Saturday, the Timbers were up 3-0 after just 26 Minutes, but United FC came back to score three of their own over the course of 18 Minutes in the Second Half.  Yes, Portland scored another two to put that Game away, but Tomas Chancalay scored in Second Half Injury Time to make it a 5-4 result.  Last/Wednesday night, despite their offensive ineptitude, Kelvin Yeboah equalized in the Second Half before the Hoops got the Match-winner in the 84th.

Man, I'm not making my argument that the Loons don't suck that bad, huh?  (Also, I admit that I gave my season ticket for last night's Game to my friend because I really, really wanted to see Jungle ... and I made the right choice.)  I'm saying that a one-Goal defeat, by its very definition, isn't the hopeless rout many disbelievers lament.  This is soccer, for God's sake -- a Goal can be scored by an Own Goal or a dumb deflection.  That happens in either Match and MNUFC gains at least one point.  Also, not for nothing, they've battled back to tie in both Matches.  That has to count for something.  Well, it doesn't count in the standings, whereby they are now out of the playoff picture.  But one Win and they take back a postseason slot.  They have a chance to do that Saturday ... but they have to visit red-hot St. Louis.  Well, they play much better on the road.

#-4: Twins (Last Week: -3).  Despite actually winning two Games this screening Week, I am putting the Twinks below the Looooooooooooons because winning only the middle Game of both series they played is the final nail in the coffin for the squad's playoff hopes.  This was the time to try and get back in the postseason race because they were facing Division rivals the White Sox and Detroit.  But they have now fallen 4 1/2 Games back of Cleveland for ALWC3, and they still have to beat back four other clubs between them and the Guardians.  Different sides of the Twinks let them down -- either it was no offense or shitty pitching or the Bullpen's lack of a killer instinct, the organization's weaknesses took turns in sinking the Twinks for 2026.

Home to Cleveland for a trio starting tomorrow/Friday, then they host the Yankees for three beginning on Monday.

(Another) Busy Weekend

It's rare that I will be working both a Gophers and a Vikings game on the same weekend.  Come to think of it, I'm not sure if I've ever done that before.  But I will be doing that this weekend.  That's cool, and dare I say, I am proud.  It's a sign that I'm wanted and people think I'm still doing a good job.

Both games are on the same network, so I wonder if the company, or at least someone back at world headquarters, know that I'm working two games for them back-to-back.  They should ... shouldn't they?  Well, if they don't, can't think that would matter.

Anyhow, it's cool that I'm doing this.  And I don't take it for granted that these opportunities (setting aside the timing that I'm working two games on the same weekend) are going to be around forever.  That means my weekend will be quite busy, but I'm not wishing for the alternative.

Bad Driver: 160 ZYG (blackout)

Saw you coming and thought, "Will this asshole catch me before I peel off to Cleveland?"  I was hoping not, so I went onto the lane you were on, but goddammit, you had places to go, you man of intrigue with your dilapidated sedan, and 70 was not fast enough.  I see you get in front of me a little too close, motherfucker.  But hey, were you going to the Fair?  Has a stripper you've seen for over two decades finally given you two HJs?  I'll believe my life's better than yours.  Prick.

I've been fantasizing over Dian Parkinson for a long time -- you know, that Barker's Beauty from the OG The Price Is Right, the real, real hot one.  I say this even though another of the Barker's Beauties, Janice Pennington is a Playboy Playmate, and she is gorgeous as well.  But whereas Pennington posed before TPIR, Parkinson posed after -- twice.  First time, in 1991, she flashed her tits.  In 1993, however, she surrendered the pink and finally showed her pussy, too!!!  I had fantasized about Parkinson the most, so seeing her in her birthday suit twice was a dream come true.  I saw her two spreads just now and pleasured myself.

She's 81 now, and definitely doesn't look how she did when on TV or in Playboy.  I don't care; if she is still of sound mind, and if she said yes, I would be honored, blessed even, to lay pipe into her.  That would be so, so nice!

No, I Don't Want To Know When

It's been over a week since I spoke to my parents.  And when I say that, I mean literally speak to them.  Since then I have been in contact with them, through text.  I usually do that, and only do that, when there is a letter regarding an issue with one of their properties for which Mother needs some idea of what's going on, and telling her just won't cut it.

But over the past week bills have been sent.  Usually I just get on the phone and tell Mother that, hey, this bill came in and it's for such-and-such an amount.  I also tell her about checks that have come in, but when the latest one came over a week ago ... well, I just texted her that it's here.  And she was fine with it.  Then, a couple bills came and I figured this is something Mother needs to know about, so I texted her to call me, but I didn't hear from her the rest of the evening.  OK, this is unusual.  And I didn't want to wait to call after work the next day, so I texted her the nature and amount of these two bills at work the next day, and she said she would take care of it.  Not going to lie, I am in a texting mood now, so the bills that have come in since I have only told her through text.

Yes, it's easier.  But I have to admit that the real reason I am now texting her is that I don't want to hear her tell me that they're coming home.  They should be coming home by now.  And don't get me wrong.  When I say "should," I don't mean that it's the right thing to do, or it's preferable.  I mean that they've been gone over half a year, and they say they would be coming back, so logic would dictate they would mean what they say and be back.  Now, they usually summer here in Minnesota, and they didn't do that.  Mother later said they'd return in August, and obviously that's not the case.  They have said they want to come back to look at the mail that's accumulated, or to start working on a new roof, or figuring out what to do with the minivan, or to see that the trash is now being picked up.  But they're not here -- at least not yet.

Still, I have had this creeping fear that, as time marches forward, the inevitable end of me having the whole house to myself has to come.  Surely, they would be making a decision now that it's Labor Day ... even though, and I may be pointing this out to myself in order to give myself hope, generally this is the time of the year my parents leave Minnesota.  And hey, maybe they realized they just want to stay out there, and that there is no reason to come back since everything is hunky dory, and it is hunky dory here right now.  But I feel like I'm tied to a conveyor belt with my legs spread open with a laser beam ready to zap my genitals, like that scene in Goldfinger.  If/When they tell me, I have so much shit I need to do -- pack up all my things (and I am visually overwhelmed with all the packing I'll have to do ... my goodness it's a lot), take them to storage, and clean, clean, clean.  I don't have the time to do that, I don't have the energy to do that, and I frankly don't have the will to do that.  So I don't talk to Mother nowadays because being incommunicado with her lets me leave all my stuff out where I want.  And that is a ... don't want to say a fiction, but a situation I've created in order to make me feel good about myself.  As long as she doesn't tell me they're returning, I get to live how I feel.  So I don't talk to her because that way, she can't tell me anything.

You know, this is something I would talk to my psychiatrist about.  God, I could use someone to talk to about my anxiety right now.

Got a call a few hours ago that my psychotherapist, whom I had seen for upwards of a decade, is in hospice.  The Parkinson's finally got to him, goddammit.  His secretary called me; she said his wife told her he has a few days at most, and he will not be taking visitors.  But she will do her best to call me again when, well, it happens.  I hope I will be able to go to his memorial service.

I feel bad I have been going on with my life and temporarily forgetting what is happening to him in the hours since I heard the news.  Life -- it never ends well.

So for the second consecutive day and night, the juice I had prepared for a cocktail I thought I was going to make has been sitting, or rotting, in the refrigerator till the next day because I got home from something I was doing in the evening and I was too tired to make the drink.  Coinciding with my penchant these days for falling asleep at a decent time and actually resting for an appropriate amount of hours, I'm scared that this is a sign that 1) I will develop Alzheimer's and 2) I should stop drinking, which is not good since I bought some spirits yesterday.  What to do?

I'll leave it at that.

"I Surprised Myself"

I feel like I want to go into detail about what ******a did to me two massages ago.

So this was the second time she rubbed me down.  (As of right now, she's rubbed me down thrice.)  The first time was chaste.  Sure, I was naked.  I wasn't under a blanket, but she didn't touch me sexually, and I had no expectation that she would.  Hell, I was just glad that she would come to my house and give me a massage.  If all she did from that point on was look at me naked and give me a proper massage, I would have been more than happy.  After all, she does give a great massage, and she's cheaper.

Now, that doesn't mean I wasn't hoping for more, and being the scamp that I am, I tried.  And, glory be, things changed, happily.

So this second time she came over, she said that she was in a rush.  She had just dropped off family (!!!) when she saw me, so she had no room to put in the massage table on which I got rubbed down by ******a the first time we did this.  So, she rubbed me down this time on the bed -- a place where, during this first massage, we thought about moving to the next time we did this, both for the space (I was given a queen by my folks -- still too fucking high for my taste, but whatever) and the sturdiness.

Nothing at the start of the massage to indicate that this was going to go from legitimate to, um, illegitimate.  I started face down and ******a rubbed and then smacked my ass.  That was nice, but she did that the first time.  When I say that I was leading her to hoping she would "do more," I meant that when I was face down, I moved my dick so that it was pointed towards my legs.  Also, I spread my legs just a big apart, so she would have seen my blood-engorged prick while she was moving her hands around there.  She did glide her hands down to my schlong and my balls, but it was just a glance.  Again, I would take that, and I didn't expect more.

But!  After I went face up and ******a massaged my chest, arms, and legs (she is good and proper when rubbed me down for real, by the way), she said, "Now I'm going to go reverse cowgirl on you!"  She turned her back to me and sat down right between my stomach and abdomen.  Hey now!  She then spread her bottle of coconut oil over my pelvis, including a stream right across my peen.  ******a then started massaging around my hips, then moved onto my pelvis, then moved onto my pubes ... and before I know it, she started knocking into my cock, like she was trying to grab onto something and it was in the way.

******a did this "accidental" touching for several seconds.  Then she started massaging my balls -- not knocking into them, and not really massaging them, but moving her hand up and down on them, like hs was scrubbing my testicles.  And then she began rubbing around the base of my penis -- not my wang itself, but right around it.  She wasn't saying anything while she did any of that, but I started to get the idea that she knew what she was doing, and she wanted me to know that she knew what she was doing.  

I had ejaculated the day before, either on my own or with the help of another of my stripper girlfriends, I don't remember right now.  When that happens, I usually can't cum the next day because I am an old man.  And I certainly wasn't banking on "saving" my nut for ******a.  But when you get surprised by ecstasy offered by a beautiful woman whom you've wanted to be sexual with for decades, well, I had no choice but to respond to all this friction by getting hard, as erect as I've been in a long, long time.

******a got off of me and laid beside me.  I started moaning -- "oh ... oh!" like I was afraid of what was about to happen, even though I wanted it to happen for so, so long.  She went back to working my sack, and she said, "Oh, so smooth!" and that sounded like the kindest compliment I had ever heard.  Finally, the teasing was over and the jerking off began: ******a started wanking me, hard.  I was such putty in her hands and I asked her to jerk me off harder and faster, something I rarely ask a stripper to do, but I was in the thralls of her vicious hand lovin'.  Finally, I nutted, the sweet release that is the end point of my first time ever laying eyes on her at the club, all those years ago.  And yes, I moaned in ecstasy.

This was a surprise, so I asked ******a to open my closet door and give me my jerk-off towel.  She had to run to the bathroom to wipe up.  And when we both cleaned up, well, there was still time left in our session, so she went back to massaging me straight up.  It was weird, but it wasn't as if we didn't act like what happened didn't happen.  But we didn't really even talk about until she was leaving.  I thanked her for turning me out, and she said, "Yeah, I surprised myself!"  That's surprising to hear!  After the last time she made me nut -- a second time, the last time she's visited me at home -- I thanked her again, and she again said she surprised herself.  Wow ... she was just dropping by to give me a massage, but passion just took ahold of her and she had no choice but to give me an HJ?!  I'm so blessed!!!

I love ******a, and I hope our relationship is reaching a new level.  But my teenage dream of a stripper who's not supposed to do shit with me doing shit to me ... it's come true!

Weird.  Needed to talk to my folks about some bills, but Mother, who is really attentive in calling back, didn't.  I texted her Wednesday night, but it wasn't until the day yesterday/Thursday that she replied, and she said the bills, for which we usually talk about, she will handle.

Honestly, I have tried avoiding talking to them, only because I fear the date they come home.  Not ready for that.  Still, I need to be sure they're alright, and not being in contact with them for more than a day after I said I need to speak to them sets me a bit on edge.  The text is fine, but it's something to monitor.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: United FC (Last Week: -3).  My God.  I don't think I've ever had a WMNSS where most of the teams had a .500 screening Week.  Here, four of the five do.  I wallow in a field of over-abundant mediocrity, so I don't know who to put first.  In fact, if I do this survey in the morning, I'll probably have a different order.

But for now, I'm giving it to the Loons.  My excuse: They're the only club that didn't lose this past Week.  Yeah, that's it.  Now, I was at Allianz Field Saturday night for their 3-all Draw vs. Orlando City, and that was weird shit.  The Lions got up 1-0 in the First Half, and knowing how mid they've been all Year, I started concentrating on my cellphone.  Then, in the Second Half, OCSC scored a second and then I really got into my phone.  Then, by God, MNUFC scored not once, not twice, but thrice in the span of four Minutes to take the lead, and I swear, I don't think I've seen a comeback like that from any Minnesota team, let alone United FC, in Decades.  But then in Second Half Stoppage Time, the Loons' leaky-as-shit Defense allowed the Match-tying Goal, and they give away two Points.

There was a home Game vs. Portland several seasons ago that is the closest to what happened here.  The Loons led 3-0, then allowed the Timbers to score four Goals, and then they tied it up led to steal a Point.  Here, their Tie puts them in ninth place and the last playoff spot in the West, glory be.  That doesn't mean they're a good team.  Not at all.

Saturday they travel to Portland.  Wednesday they host Dallas.  I don't know if I want to go that Match.  For one thing, the NFL season begins that evening.  Also, Jungle is playing at The Armory, and I really, really want to see them.  MNUFC, give me a reason to see you instead of football or Jungle.

#-2: Gopher volleyball (NEW SEASON!!).  They started off busy, tell you what.  I don't remember if they've ever played four Games in a Week.  But they did and they went, you guessed it, 2-2.  Three of their opponents were ranked and, unfortunately, they only won one of those, so when considering the quality of their foes, the volleyballers land in the middle of the survey.

The results are so mixed that I'm not prepared to slot them as a great team, a good one, or an underachieving one.  In the season-opening State Farm College Volleyball Showcase in Sioux Falls, S. D., they got swept by then-#12 Arizona St. on Friday, then swept then-#13 Creighton on Saturday.  (By the way, this tournament was weird.  There were five teams in it, and only five Matches were played.  Purdue appeared in the first Match on Friday and then was done.  The Bluejays, meanwhile, played thrice while Minnesota and the other three schools played twice.  Huh?)  In the Big Ten/SEC Challenge, being hosted in Madison, Wisc., they lost to 17th-ranked Florida in four Sets Tuesday, though they came back to defeat unranked Auburn in four last/Wednesday night.

They host The Diet Coke Classic, far from its flush days when there were three other clubs and they all played each other at the Sports Pavilion over three Days.  There are only two other colleges now.  Tomorrow/Friday night they host Miami; Sunday afternoon they host the exotic school St. Thomas.

#-3: Twins (Last Week: -4).  They finish 3-3 this Week, they're six Games below .500, and somehow it's not outlandish to say that they're still in the playoff hunt -- only 3 1/2 Games behind Cleveland for ALWC3!  But the Bullpen still can't be relied on, the Offense won't hit if Zebby Matthews isn't pitching (Matthews had a spectacular August), and we don't know when or even if Byron Buxton is going to be back in the Lineup.  The organization is relying on its youngsters now, but it still seems as if the organization is spinning its wheels.  What are supposed to feel about this club?

Last Week they hosted the White Sox and Detroit.  This Week they travel to the White Sox and Detroit.

#-4: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -2).  In their second and final marquee non-con Match, they bitterly lost 1-0 at then-#15 BYU last Thursday evening, 1-0, in the 78th Minute on an, ah!, Own Goal.  They came home to defeat St. Thomas at Robbie Stadium Sunday evening, 2-1, but damn, that stupid Loss to the Cougars is costly.

Their second of three straight Matches at home continues Sunday afternoon versus Colorado College.

#-5: Lynx (Last Week: -1).  The only squad not to go .500 this screening Week is the one you'd least expect -- the Lynx, the only glimmer of hope in these parts of bringing home a championship.  On Saturday they lost for the second straight Game, 89-81 in Atlanta.  Just before that they lost at home to Golden State, and I rationalized that by saying that Cheryl Reeve wanted to experiment with her lineup.  I don't know if that's the case this time around.  No, they may have just gotten beat.  And that is scary for the fanbase's belief that a title is in the bag.

Many people believe the Valkyries, who sit second in the standings behind Minnesota, are now the odds-on favorite.  That's because they have the #1 Defense in the WNBA, and have had the top spot pretty much all season.  The Lynx are fourth in Defensive Net Rating, and have slipped on D since the All-Star Break.  And hate to say it, but Napheesa Collier hasn't had the impact upon returning like I thought she would, or should.  And now she (along with three or four other Lynx players) are in Germany for the FIBA Women's Basketball World Cup.  I don't know if I want Phee playing in a tournament, even for country.  Meanwhile, A'ja Wilson left Team USA, ostensibly to rest for the WNBA stretch run.  That's a smart idea; why isn't Collier doing that?  And that's not even thinking about what would the squad do if Collier got hurt bad.  Then what?

Bad vibes around this team.  All around.