The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#0: United FC (Last Week: 0).  Since getting cucked 6-0 in Vancouver on The Ides Of March, they've been riding a six-Match unbeaten streak.  Better yet, they won both of their Games this Week, shutting out Portland at Allianz Field Saturday by a 2-0 scoreline (even though the Loons had the run of play and could have scored at least two more Goals), then going to down to Dallas last/Wednesday night and pulling out a 1-0 victory when Owen Gene (look how his Game has grown!) found Anthony Markanich, who rebounded his own miss at the 32nd Minute.

They're currently tied for third in Points in MLS' Western Conference.  And they will host the club with which they're tied -- star-studded LAFC in a Match Saturday that was moved up from the nighttime to the afternoon so this could get on network TV.  Then on Tuesday, they play in the Eighth-final of the U. S. Open Cup at San Jose, which currently leads the West in MLS and just scored four Goals in about 11 Minutes late in the Second Half last/Wednesday night to obliterate Austin in Cali, 5-1.

Oh, by the way, I feel like this team is doing quite well right now.  But this past Week was a down Week for local sports, and frankly, since the Timberwolves were stopped in The Western Conference Finals the past two Years, I don't feel as though they deserve a 0.  (A 2-0 lead when you win both Games on the road?  I would think about giving a 0 in that case a lot.)  Then, I rely on my principle of no digit gaps in the WMNSS.  In other words, I don't want to put MNUFC in Positive Numbers and then put the Wolves at -1.  There has to be a 0, and I decided it was going to be United FC backing down.

#-1: Timberwolves (Last Week: -2).  It's only two Games, but damn, what a turnaround after a humbling Game 1 Loss at The Denver Nuggets.  Tim Connelly built Denver, so he knows how to defeat Denver, and even though they won only one Game so far this series (let alone only once in the regular season), the T-Wolves have traditionally had the Nuggets' number.  Now, to hold serve for Games 3 and 4.

#-2: Twins (Last Week: -1).  The fucking worm turned.  They were leading their Division this time last screening Week, but a 1-4 record this past Week, low-lighted by a sweep at home by Cincinnati and then enabling The New York Mets to win and break a 12-Game losing streak last/Wednesday, has dropped them back to earth at terminal velocity.  It's still early in their season, which is why I ranked the Twinks over the teams below them in a very bad Week for local sports teams.  But let's see if they can turn things around visiting Tampa this weekend, then hosting Seattle for three starting Monday.

#-3: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -3).  Should we be glad somewhat that their sweep at #1 UCLA could have been worse?  We shouldn't be counting moral victories, but yeah.  They lost by scores of 4-2, 6-4, and 5-2 -- all not heinous embarrassments.  Take it as a life lesson.  And they quadrupled up North Dakota St. Tuesday at Siebert, 12-3.  They finish a five-Game homestand by hosting Northwestern over the weekend, then St. Thomas Tuesday.

#-4: Wild (Last Week: -4).  I don't think they'll beat The Bastard North Stars because I think God hates me.  Still, I want them to beat the ever-loving shit out of The Team That Was Stolen From Us v.2.0.  And things were good to start off the series, with Minnesota absolutely emasculating Dallas in Dallas, 6-1.  They lost Game 2, but at least they got home-ice advantage ...

... which they lost just now.  Game 3 was at the Gica last/Wednesday night, and since it went to double Overtime and the Game itself started at 8:30, it ended around 1 in the morning and it ended with those motherfuckers winning back home-ice.  So glad I wasn't there.  But we're facing yet another Mild elimination in the First Round, and yet again at the hands of The Team That Was Stolen From Us.  Don't go out like bitches.  Don't go out like that!

#-5: Gopher softball (Last Week: -5).  The hits ... well, they keep on coming in the sense that the Goofer softballers continue to get battered around this season.  They didn't hit that much over the weekend, when Nebraska (ranked either sixth or fourth depending on which poll you go to) swept them.  Yes, the U. baseballers also got swept, but 1) the softballers were hosting and 2) they got mercy-ruled twice, following Friday's 4-0 Shutout with a 17-2 ass-kicking (which, of course, ended after only five Innings) Saturday and an 11-2 humiliation Sunday afternoon that ended after six.  They "rebounded" Tuesday and tripled up North Dakota at Cowles, 6-2.  But the sweep is the true mark of how this squad, and this program, is going -- namely two-thirds bad, with a Big Ten record of 6-12 and an overall record of 15-30.

For the first time I can remember, Minnesota ain't playing Wisconsin only twice in the form of a Doubleheader played mid-Week.  They host the Badgers this weekend, the final three Games of a seven-Game homestand.

So I went to the dentist yesterday/Tuesday.  And goddammit, I have another cavity for which I need to go in again.  Well, it looks like all those days I was frozen in terror when this corrupt and installed Republican government took over our city, and all those times I got home from work so tired, caused me to not feel like brushing my teeth ... nah, who am I kidding, I just didn't floss and brush my teeth as often as I should have.  I definitely will get back into the habit ... nah, who am I kidding, I'll be as half-ass about it as I've always been.  I know I should do it daily (actually they recommend twice daily), but teeth brushing has never been something I do as a routine.  As with other matters of hygiene, for that matter.

Well, ******a texted me out of the blue and said that she can finally massage.  Before she said we'd shoot for Saturday, but this afternoon she told me she could come over tonight!  No exercise for me today, but that's OK if she's going to rub me down!

Seriously, I'm not looking for anything.  The furthest I'll go is getting completely naked for her, which is how I usually am for any massage.  If she says yes, I'm totally happy.  I would expect a normal, clean massage from then on out.  If there's anything more than that ... well, that would be a complete surprise.

I'm just hoping that I don't scare her off -- either by asking if I can be completely unclothed or, more likely, by all the stuff that's strewn around the house.  I hope she doesn't hate messy.

Old Chicken Not As Good As New-ish Chicken

So yesterday/Monday I was invited to this house party that was happening later into the evening.  Normally I wouldn't go because of the last-minute notice ... and I usually haven't.  But it was at a place much more convenient to me, plus ****e was there, and it just so happened I texted her on Sunday.  Work was a bear, but I managed to get out in time so that I could go home, change, get money, and then get to the party in time to get my rocks off.

While waiting for ****e and *****y (who told me about the party) to double-team me, I sat in the cramped kitchen which was hosting this shindig with three-to-four other guys who have either gotten serviced or were waiting to be serviced by at least one of those two women.  There's always food at these stripper parties.  And even though food is the furthest thing I need when I go to these parties, there's nothing else to do there except eat.  Someone, probably one of the dancers, bought take-home chicken and fries, presumably from Cub Foods.  I ate it.  And even though it had been laying around of at least 90 minutes, it tasted good.

I planned to have Kentucky Fried Chicken for dinner last/Monday night.  Well, let me go back a bit ... before I even knew there was a party going on, I was planning on going to the Ty Segall concert at First Ave.  But I checked his recent playlist.  He doesn't seem to deviate from concert to concert, and the one song for which I would have gone to see him play (his awesome, stomping cover of Hot Chocolate's "Every 1's A Winner") he has not played at all in his tour, at least not yet.  I'm not a big-enough fan of Mr. Segall that I would go see him play songs I don't know, so I decided not to go.  Maybe I should've researched his tour set earlier so I could have made this decision earlier.

Anyway, because I decided not to go to the concert, I quickly pivoted to eating KFC after the party.  I recently signed up for the fast food restaurant's application, and because I'm a first-time signee, I got this deal where, for the first seven days I signed in, I could get my first order through their app for half off.  I had planned this after looking over the menu, so I knew that I was going to order a four-piece chicken meal, which came with a side (I settled on fries), a biscuit, and a Pepsi.  That would originally go for about $14.50 (!), so seeing as I was going to get it for half-off, I figure this would be the only time I would ever get it.

When my parents were here (ish), they would make me get KFC on Tuesdays.  They still have a deal where a bucket of eight pieces of chicken sells for ten bucks.  Those were always hot.  These weren't.  Still, I thought it would taste good, so I sat down and at them and ... they weren't.  I don't know why.  I don't think it's quality control, at least beyond the warmth.  But it wasn't as good as the leftover chicken I ate at the party.  That can't be right.  The only thing I can think of is that, besides having popcorn and a Cpari-Sun-like juicebox at work, given to us by the company, I was really hungry, and that leftover chicken hit the spot.  I ate all my KFC with little difficulty, but when I started, admittedly, I wasn't hungry.

Maybe I should've saved that Kentucky Fried Chicken order for another day.  Or maybe this KFC store had a bad run of chicken and if I had gone somewhere else that night I would've gotten better chicken.  Who knows?

Tingling/Numbness Now Scaring Me

Just want to put down for the record that there has been tingling and numbness I've been feeling -- mostly in my right hand and wrist and forearm, but really everywhere, for the past ... oh, seven days or so.  It's carpal tunnel, even though I feel a lot of pain on the corner of my wrist just below the pinky, if you're asking me to pinpoint one thing.

I think this is a combination of factors coming home to roost -- having my work mouse too far from my reach, all those times I've had to grip an exacto knife to cut open packages at work, my nasty habit of holding up my cellphone with one of my chargers attached to it, and lying down while looking up at my laptop, which I too hold with my hands and thus with my forearms holding it up.

Keep doing exercises all week, but it's not working out.  I still feel this general numbness that sticks around at times, and in certain gripping positions I feel a sharp pain at the corner of my wrist.  I sleep with a brace on now, and it sometimes works.  I've begun to take pills, too, but I don't know if that will work.

Honestly, as far-fetched as this sounds, I'm just hoping that it's some virus, or some blip that my body is going to take care of, and this will all be gone in a week.  But I've had this pain, although in a slightly less acute and frequent form, for months now.  This might get worse, I'm afraid.

Nightmare

This nightmare happened this morning.

I was working, or at least at, a casino.  I was gathering up matchsticks in a junk drawer and gave them to either a security guard who, if I was working there, would be my co-worker.  I then walked around the casino, but it wasn't walking, really.  It was more like floating down the hallway.  Oh, and I guess I wasn't at the part of the casino where all the slot machines and table games were.  I was, like, at the outer portion, the lobby portion (?), where you're getting into the casino proper.  Anyway, I wasn't floating free.  Something was holding me back.  I wasn't floating as fast as I wanted to.

While floating not free, I noticed this person who didn't work at the casino go into, like, a security desk.  But he was told not to, and either as or after I passed this desk, I heard a security guard shouting that this guy was not allowed inside the security desk.  That is when I felt this wave of panic, as if something bad was about to happen.

That's when I woke up.

I haven't had a nightmare in some time.  Guess I haven't slept so deeply in a long time.

Please Fuck Me For My Sweetness

So I was invited to a stripper party that was going on yesterday/Saturday.  I would go for only one reason: ****e, with whom I had a couple of wild times in the privacy of a room.  I asked about a month ago if she would be there; if she were, then I would, too.  But she has been ailing -- something with her hand last month, then, when I texted her again yesterday/Saturday morning, something about her hip.  She wasn't going, so I pivoted to doing some Record Store Day stuff instead.

I ask her if she needs anything.  It's not like we're close or anything, but, frankly, she's sucked my dick, so I want to help her if she's in need.  She said she didn't, but she said, "Aw, you're such a sweet guy!"  And I want to be sweet.  And I genuinely want to know if I can help her.  But, and I just noticed this myself, a couple times in the past after a stripper girlfriend has told me I'm sweet for offering to do something, I've gotten some action.  So, um, yes, I am kind of hoping that when ****e, or any stripper, says that, I'm getting sumpin'-sumpin' the next time we meet.  I hope that's an indication that if you're nice to a woman, that woman is willing to do nice, or naughty, things to you.

Forgot Shower Strainer

Right now I'm bothered (admittedly from other things too) that I failed to put a strainer in the master bathroom shower.  I had swapped out the one that was there and put that in the master bathroom sink, and I was going to toss the one that was in the master bathroom sink because it was getting all clogged up.  Somehow, I forgot to grab a new one (or an old one -- get this, My Father takes the time to unclog strainers in order to re-use them.  Yes, it saves money, and I put one of those cleaned ones in the shower, but I feel like this is a First World privilege that we should indulge in -- don't scrape shit off of a strainer, they're only two bucks apiece!), and worse than that, I put the plastic strainer that goes on top of the strainer back where it was, as if I had already put that second strainer back in.

Worst of all is I don't remember how long ago this all was.  I think, though, that it had to have been at least a month, and possibly it's been longer than that.  Lord knows how much of my hair and dead skin was able to get through that's currently clogging up the pipes.  Dammit, man, how could I forget something like that?  I had an entire process I needed to do, and I just stopped halfway through it.  What the hell was I thinking?

So That's Why The Rear Seat Wouldn't Stay In Place!/Poor Pen/How Angry My Father Gets

I think this happened, I think, shortly after my parents left.

I have my back seats arranged, well, strangely.  The back seat on the driver's side is put all the way down.  That way I can throw a blanket on top of it so that, when I crawl into my car to sleep for lunch at work, I can just get into the passenger seat, reach over and bring it up to the front.  Also because I need to sleep at work, I lift up the bottom of the back seat on the passenger side.  That way I can completely recline the passenger-side front seat so I can rest.  It's a perfect system.

For reasons I now forget, I had to fold down the back seat on the passenger side so that it looks normal.  (I think I did this at work, even though that's immaterial to this story.)  There is a bar on the bottom of the seat that is supposed to latch to an anchor on the floor, and for the life of me I couldn't get it to latch.  Finally, I looked at the floor ... and I saw almost a dozen bits of a pen, just strewn on the floor mat.  It wasn't just snapped in two; it was obliterated.

Seeing this, I think I realized how that came to be.  During a time when my parents were still home, I wanted to lift up the rear seat on the passenger side because I wanted to put my computer bag there.  I could have just stood it up against the laid-down seat, but I guess I was going somewhere where I wasn't completely sure my car wouldn't get broken into, so my plan was to fold up the seat, lie my laptop bag flat on the floor, and put my car shades on it so no one could see it.

I distinctly remember laying the computer bag flat with one of its pouches unzipped.  It was a pouch in which I keep my pens.  I also distinctly remember thinking I should zip it up because I don't want anything to roll out of the bag, but I thought nah, it won't happen.  Well, I'm guessing that poor pen did roll out of the bag and onto the floor, and when I grabbed my laptop bag, I didn't notice it got loose.

I don't remember this part, but I have to think that at a later day, without my knowledge, My Father put that back seat down.  That pen must have gotten into the anchor, preventing him from locking the seat in.  The only way he thought he could get it to go down and stay down was through force, so he just pushed down the seat repeatedly and violently, not knowing that the reason the seat wouldn't anchor was because that pen was in the way.  So he basically broke a pen into pieces by smashing it with the bar of a car seat.

I get the frustration.  But I'm hung up on how much force, and really how much violence, you would need to destroy a pen just because a car seat wouldn't secure.  But then again, I could see My Father being so angry to the point of using brute force to get what he wants.  I've seen it.  I've been a victim of it.  Preposterous or not, seeing those pen remnants is a reminder of how vicious My Father could be.

I will zip up the pouches on my computer bag from now on.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#0: United FC (Last Week: 0).  The Loons played in California three times over eleven Days ... and won all three Matches.  I honestly didn't believe they'd win any of them.  But after beating The Los Angeles Galaxy in Carson, Calif., on the 4th, they went down to San Diego and beat the IX that eliminated MNUFC last season by a 2-1 scoreline.  And they did it after giving up the FC Goal seven Minutes in.  But Kyle Duncan (who?) tied it up in the 15th, and then Nectarios Triantis danced along the endline and was able to hike the ball to Kelvin Yeboah (thank goodness he's producing, thus alleviating the team's preseason Striker problem) to give United FC the lead in the 40th they would not relinquish.  It helped even further that, one Minute into the Second Half, SDFC's Christopher McVey collected his second Yellow Card of the Match and was sent off.

U. S. Open Cup play also started for the Loons, and they had to play at The Sacramento Republic in The Round of 32.  Neither side scored, and Penalty Kicks went to twelve Rounds, but MNUFC outlasted the Republic, 9-8.  So, three Wins over two competitions?  They sit ninth in the West, so it's not as if they're flying high, but I think I can get them over negative numbers for this Week.

We begin two-a-weeks this Week: They host Portland Saturday night (it'll be cold), then they'll visit Dallas Wednesday evening.

#-1: Twins (Last Week: -1).  The screening Week ended with a 9-5 Loss to Boston at Target Field that prevented a Twins sweep.  That after Minnesota won a weekend series at Toronto, which happened after the Twins beat the Tigers at home on Thursday to complete a four-Game sweep of Detroit.  That's three consecutive series victories and a 5-2 record for the Week.  And somehow, someway, they lead The American League Central Division.  It's very early, of course.  But these players have shocked the shit out of me, and because of that, I need to give them their flowers by placing them here.

The run of Pitchers they've beaten has been particularly impressive -- Tarik Skubal, Framber Valdez, Max Scherzer (even though the Hall Of Famer-to-be's best days are behind him, beating him is still a hell of a feat) and Garrett Crochet, who, on Monday, suffered his worst and shortest outing of his career, getting chased out of the Game after just 1 2/3 Inning and getting shaken down for eleven Runs (one of them Unearned).  The Lineup is raking.  And the starting rotation, with the possible exception of Simeon Woods Richardson, who was the one who got lit up yesterday/Wednesday, has been solid.  A great start so far for this young team ... which may be a smack in the face for Pohlad haters because, once again, the club is playing well after ownership refused to pay money for star players.

They have today/Thursday off, host Cincinnati for a three-Game series beginning tomorrow/Friday night, have Monday off, then have a three-Game series in Queens vs. The New York Mets starting on Tuesday.

#-2: Timberwolves (Last Week: -4).  Sure, they completed their regular season by beating the Rockets in Houston and The Bastard Charlotte Hornets at Target Center.  But they were already locked into the 6-Seed, so playing out the string without getting any players injured was the only goal.  I got a ticket to Sunday night's regular season finale versus New Orleans, and only Donte Divincenzo, Terrance Shannon, Jr., and maybe Joan Beringer and Joe Ingles will see playing time in the playoffs.

And they still only won by six.  Man, I want to think that the squad was just mailing it in during the regular season and now they'll turn it on.  And they've always played Denver, the team they're facing in the First Round of the NBA Playoffs, well, especially in the postseason.  But my eyes saw a frustrating, sometimes lackadaisical group of people whose play with and without the ball have fallen off.  And now we need to see how hurt Anthony Edwards and Jaden McDaniels are without them being honest with us.  I hate to say it, but the Wolves are getting eliminated by the Nuggets.  And then where will this organization be?

#-3: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -2).  I wish the athletic department would announce when they adjust baseball schedules.  For example, I know, for a fact, that their weekend series at Siebert versus Washington was a weekend trio to be played Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  And yet they swapped out the Sunday Game for a Doubleheader that began Friday afternoon.  Don't get why; there was no inclement weather on Sunday.  In fact, it was sunny and hot -- perfect baseball weather.

Anyhoo, they split the Doubleheader, but the Gophers nipped the Huskies in the Saturday getaway Game, 5-4.  Then they put a hurtin' on St. Thomas at their park on Tuesday, mercy ruling the Tommies in seven Innings by a score of, wow, 24-2.  I doubt they're getting into the NCAA Tournament, but at 22-14 overall (yeah, they're 5-10 in-conference) with the ability to hit, I've seen worse from this program.

And now they face the tallest task: At the #1 team in the country, UCLA, this weekend.  They then come back home to play North Dakota St. in a one-off Tuesday.

#-4: Wild (Last Week: Positive Numbers).  Wound up their regular season 1-3 this Week, which started off with a 5-4 Loss at The Bastard North Stars in which they blew leads not once but twice.  That's bad enough (as a principle I always weigh Wins and Losses against The Team That Was Stolen From Us v.2.0 heavier than other Games the Wild and all other local teams play), but it portends poorly for the postseason since the Wild will play The Bastard North Stars in the First Round.  (Aside: I've heard a lot of bitching about the first two Rounds of The Stanley Cup Playoffs being intra-Division because two powerful teams like Minnesota and The Team That Was Stolen From Us v.2.0 will meet sooner than maybe they should.  I don't give a fuck.  This is how the NHL postseason was for me growing up, and I don't mind it at all.  Just fucking win, Wild.)

With this matchup set in stone since Valentine's Day, Minnesota has had time to set up their roster.  But one roiling question as they begin the series over the weekend is who to start in net.  Filip Gustavsson was the Goaltender in Monday's 6-3 shellacking in St. Louis, and a couple of the Goals, if reports are correct, should have been stopped, and easily.  Jesper Wallstedt was the Goalie in Tuesday's season finale at the Gica vs. Anaheim, and he allowed only two Goals and, by all accounts, played great.  And yet there are rumors, of fears, that Gus Bus will handle the goaltending duties for the series instead of The Wall Of St. Paul.  We'll see, won't we?

Aw, fuck it; I'll predict they'll get swept.  I don't care about the law -- the Wild refusing to embrace the legacy of The Minnesota North Stars will damn them to yet another early exit, and deservedly so.

#-5: Gopher softball (Last Week: -3).  We might need to start talking about how moribund the U. softball program is these days.  They were facing a ranked Washington club in Seattle, but they got swept anyway.  The softballers now sit at 6-9 in B1G play, but 14-27 overall.  They're going to miss the tournament for the third Year in a row.  And I get the feeling things aren't getting better.

Maybe some home cookin' will do them some good.  They start a seven-Game homestand with a weekend series against Nebraska, then host North Dakota for a one-off at Cowles Tuesday.