First things first: I have kind of an obsession with stores that have been at the Megamall from the start. (The store can't move from its original footprint. Also, it can be renovated, but it might not count in my eyes if it, say, closed down in order to make those renovations. Length of time is important in this case.) Hooters was one of them. With it being gone, what's left? Macy's? Nordstrom? Cinnabon on the 1st floor? That alpaca place that somehow stays in business?
But I am sad about what I think of as an institution closing down. That breastaurant made me a man. I'm joking. Well, only half-joking. Well, that half-joking part is perverted as hell, because going there was the first time in my life I felt good about being proud of looking at gorgeous women dressed daringly (or at least how I thought daring was at the time). I think the first time I went to Hooters I went with my high school buddies. My friend noticed that our (hot) waitress was stuffing a pack of cigarettes in her fanny pack, and I thought that was the hottest goddamn thing ever.
Hooters MOA overcame a flurry of sexual harassment lawsuits early in its tenure to just be the place teenage boys go to begin to get in touch with their heterosexual desires, and for parents to bring their boys to prevent them from becoming gay. I went from time to time to ogle, of course, but there are a few servers there that I'm familiar with. No way are we friends or anything, but I think that we are acquainted enough that whenever we see each other, we smile, and that's great. My "relationship" with Hooters was cemented over the past several years once I decided to buy the Hooters calendar every year and, if possible, get it autographed. It was nice to have the sexiest Hooters girls sign. I even took the calendar to other parts of the country if I were vacationing so I could have other Hooters girls in other branches sign it. And, of course, I came back ... well, not because of the food per se, but for the coupons that came with the calendar. If I spend $15 when I visit this month, I get a free dessert.
I planned on going Thursday to get that free dessert, and to watch the actual start of March Madness, but now I must go. And I probably will go that Sunday too, its final day. Thirty-three years, man, a third of a century, and they said it wasn't making enough money. I will miss the fuck out of that place.
You know, come to think of it ... I know the perfect place to replace Hooters -- Twin Peaks. Same concept, they're growing (the company, not my dick), and even though the closest stores are in Fargo and Omaha, it might be time to bring one to the Twin Cities. And who knows, maybe those Twin Peaks girls will do things beyond my wildest dreams. No, probably not. But a lonely hetero perv can dream, and Hooters allowed me to do that. RIP, Hooters Megamall.
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