I Suck At Fantasy Football

Of the three fantasy football leagues I'm in, I am, after Week 6 finished last/Monday night, above .500 in the one I run (which now has only six Managers after one of them, the son of my best friend, left), at .500 at the one at work, and 1-5 in the one I have cash money in.  And goddammit, I am obsessed with the league I have cash money in.  Not only because I have cash money in it, but also because I am 1-5, and have, more often than not, been awful in that league.  I have finished second once, winning $100.  But I have finished out of the money every other season, and more towards the bottom of the league than the top.

I don't know what it is.  I have one theory that since the commissioner of this league doesn't freeze free agents, every other Manager in this league scoops them up as soon as they see a player blow up and have a great game.  But I think I did that this year pretty well, and I'm still getting my ass kicked.

This week may have been a new all-time low.  My opponent had Marvin Harrison, Jr., and James Cook in his starting lineup.  Harrison left the Game in the Second Quarter Sunday after suffering a concussion and accumulating no points for the Manager.  Cook had a bad toe, and it was announced before his Game last/Monday night that he was out.  Still, the guy I was facing didn't replace Cook with anyone playing the Monday night Game.  He may have been busy, but he may have noticed it didn't matter, because he was beating the shit out of me.  Going into the Bills-Jets Game last/Monday night, he was leading me by about, I think, 104 points.  I had Josh Allen, Khalil Shakir, and Tyler Bass, but of course it didn't matter; he doubled me up, 141.32-70.50.  Two of my dudes, Allen and Bucky Irving, reached double-digit fantasy points.  Of the ten players that comprise our starting roster, seven of his reached double figures, and remember, two of his guys gave him nothing, absolutely nothing.

And here I am, completely embarrassed, again.  Why am I throwing money away at something I'm terrible at?

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -3).  I highly doubt they'll reach the Final Four, which is too bad considering the wave of increased popularity for women's volleyball in the wake of the exponential rise in popularity for women's college basketball.  Sweeping Indiana and Maryland on consecutive evenings at the Sports Pavilion is nice, and that's why the get the top spot for this Week's WMNSS.  But beating ranked clubs is where it's at, and against teams who were ranked when they faced them, the U. is 2-4.  Title teams show College Volleyball Nation what they're made of then, and there hasn't been enough good results from the Gophers this season.

No needles will be moving Friday when they visit Rutgers either.  But Sunday afternoon they're at third-ranked Penn St.  An upset likely is not in the cards, but they'll get everybody's attention if they somehow pull it off.

#-2: Gopher football (Last Week: -2).  OK, you fuckers have to cool it.  Yeah, you swept both Los Angeles schools after coming back to beat UCLA Saturday night at the Rose Bowl.  (Man, I thought the Goofs were going to lose and my alma mater was going to win.  Jesus fucking Christ, of course neither thing happened.  Guess it's good I don't bet on Games anymore, huh?)  You have beaten two brand-new programs that may be as bad as they have ever been in their respective programs' histories.  And you're acting like you're going to The College Football Playoff (wanking motion).  I remember three Weeks ago when everybody in this town was blasting P. J. Fleck for getting boatraced in the Second Half of their blowout Loss to Iowa.  And he's been teasing the U. and its fans for, what, almost a Decade now?  You think something huge changed about him after his squad beat a pair of tomato cans that represent a huge city in The West Coast back-to-back?  Calm down.  I'll bet y'all lose to Maryland in two Weeks.

#-3: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -5).  This XI really caught my attention when they upset eighth-ranked Ohio St. 3-2 Thursday in Columbus.  It's the U.'s first Win over a ranked team since 2014 and their first over a top ten-ranked team since 2015.  That should get them some cred; this bracketologist, on Tuesday, had the U. on the right side of the at-large bubble -- if I am reading his blog post correctly.  Sadly, the side could have made it a road trip to remember by beating 20th-ranked Penn St. at Happy Valley Sunday, but they blew a 2-1 lead they built after just 15 Minutes (the first Goal being scored by Khyah Harper, who braced against the Buckeyes and now has 16 Goals on the season) and lost, 3-2.

There are only three regular season Games before the Big Ten Tournament, and luckily for the Golden Gophers, they finish the season with a homestand.  They host Maryland Thursday and Indiana Sunday afternoon.

#-4: Gopher men's hockey (NEW SEASON!).  I'm still not over these guys blowing a 2-0 lead in the national championship Game two Years ago and losing to Minnesota-Duluth.  I remember their Twitter account vowing that they'd be back.  Welp, they didn't go back last season, and I doubt they'll be much better this Year.

They kicked off their season in Las Vegas and The Ice Breaker, a tournament which also included Massachusetts, Air Force and Nebraska-Omaha.  Frankly, if you look at brand names, Minnesota should not stoop to the level of the other three.  And yet here they are.  They dominated the Falcons (that's the Air Force) Friday, 7-1, but fuckin' A, they lost to the Mavericks (that's Nebraska-Omaha) the next night in OT, 2-1.  And I'm just (shrug)

Oh, look ... speaking of the Bulldogs, the Gophs travel to Duluth to play them in a two-Game series this weekend.

#-5: Lynx (Last Week: -4).  I'll be completely honest with you: I have no fucking clue where to put the Lynx in the survey.  They started off the screening Week advancing in Game 5 of their WNBA Playoff Semifinal series by beating Connecticut, 88-77, Tuesday at Target Center.  They then won Game 1 of the WNBA Finals over The New York Liberty Thursday, 95-93 in Overtime, in Brooklyn in what may be The Greatest Playoff Game In WNBA History and The Best Basketball Game Of The Year.  But last/Sunday night they lost Game 2 through a late Libs spurt, 80-66.  (By the way, here's a weird stat for you: The Lynx are now 1-3 this postseason playing on Sunday and 5-0 playing on all the other days of the week.)

Yes, they stole home-court advantage after the Game 1 thriller.  And playing at home means more in basketball than in any other sport.  But while Minnesota closed to within two with about three Minutes left in Game 2, to me, the ensuing reaction by the Libs in blowing them out late feels more like the team the Lynx will have to overcome to win their fifth championship than the one who blew a 15-Point lead with more than five Minutes to go in regulation, blew a Free Throw that would have won it at the end of regulation, and missed a lay-up that would have sent the Game to a second OT.  (OK, those last two things came only from Breanna Stewart, but apparently she came up big in Game 2, so it's that monster the Lynx will have to face here, not the one who inexplicably choked late in Game 1.)

I don't want to put this squad at the very bottom of the WMNSS just because I'm wetting my pants over them losing the Finals.  But I can't put them above all the other clubs who had at least one Loss this Week because I'm not absolutely hopeful they can close out New York in Games 3 and 4 because hey, we're Minnesota.  So of the five other teams that won and lost contests this screening Week ... shit, I'm just putting them in the middle.

Please win.  Please.

#-6: Wild (NEW SEASON!).  I have the same expectations for this organization that I had for the Vikings before they began their season: None.  They are in the second of a two-Year self-imposed salary cap hell when General Manager Bill Guerin decided to trade Zach Parise and Ryan Suter and eat their huge contracts.  They certainly can't make any blockbuster moves until next Year, so the organization is stuck with what they got.  A lot of experts seem very high on the talent, both with the senior squad and those doing time in Iowa.  I don't see it.  Maybe I'm just looking ahead to only this season.

They have suffered diminishing returns to start the Year, winning in regulation at The Xcel Energy Center over Columbus in the season opener Thursday, losing at home to Seattle in a Shootout Saturday, then losing in Overtime to The Bastard Atlanta Thrashers last/Sunday night in Winnipeg.  And in that last tilt, they were without Jared Spurgeon and Joel Eriksson Ek, both of whom suffered injuries in the defeat to the Kraken.  The team was without those two very important pieces of big parts of the Year (and for the former for pretty much the whole Year), and goddammit, that same fucking shit is happening now.  But who cares?  They're not winning the Stanley Cup this Year.

This Week they finish their road trip with Games at St. Louis tomorrow/Tuesday night and Columbus Saturday night.

#-7: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -1).  I continue to assert that when it comes to women's college hockey, it's Ohio St. and Wisconsin on top, then there's a not insignificant gap to where Minnesota is.  This weekend was a sad reinforcement of that hierarchy, as they went to Columbus and lost both of their Games, 4-3 Friday and 2-1 in a Shootout Saturday.  The Goofers were ranked second and the Buckeyes fourth or fifth, so it's probable this overwhelmed club will pass Ohio St. on its way down.  I don't know if there is any hope these icers will win a championship, or even shake things up and compete for one.  And oh, look -- the Badgers come to town for two this weekend.  Maybe there will be a better showing from this now-second-tier program.  Or maybe not.

Beyond yesterday's inexcusable Loss, I checked one of my e-mails just now and saw that a fellow alum had a layover at MSP and wondered if he could come up to downtown to watch with us.  He e-mailed just as I was preparing to leave, and frankly, it never dawned on me to check that e-mail all day.  But dammit, I feel so bad not returning his e-mail until now.  I hope he's not mad.

There is a guy from my alumni group who I basically screwed because I decided to go to last Week's Game with this other friend and not him.  I thought he was going to go the Game with his father, which freed me up to go with my other friend.  But when I texted him while at the Game, he said he decided not to go.  In fact, I think he was up north somewhere walking in the woods.  I texted him hours after the Game that he made the right decision.

Just saw now that he spent the day walking in more woods somewhere in Minnesota today.  Once again, he made the right decision.  He's a smart man.  He hasn't let sports take over his life, like I have.

I Can't See The Northern Lights And It's Pissing Me Off

Apparently, the Northern Lights are, like, fucking going off right now.  The Sun, I guess, is in the middle of an 11-year cycle where it's really active, so not only are the lights more vibrant, they can be seen farther and farther south -- to, like, where I live.

But goddammit, I can't see them.  I try looking out my window for them, but I don't see shit.  I haven't seen shit all this week, where apparently everybody's seeing the northern lights except me.  And those people don't even have to go north to get away from all the artificial light.  They're just looking up through their window and the skies are dancing in greens and purples.  I know they are because those fucking people post their beautiful photos on Twitter, and that pisses me off even more.  You goddamn right I have FOMO, and if I still can't see the aurora borealis just by looking up, and if I still have people fuckin' shoving photos in my face of the northern lights they see as they lie in their bedrooms, I'm gonna go off.

This Weekend, It'll Just Be Me And Him

Mother's going on a girls-only road trip this weekend.  This, I think, is her third one.  I'm glad that this time, she actually told me beforehand.  And I'm also glad, although I was surprised when Father told me she was spending those two weekends away, that she has girlfriends with whom she can go on road trips.

So that leaves Father and me this weekend.  That will be strange as all get out.  I really think that without Mother as a buffer, he will feel free to lecture me around the dinner table about cleaning my room and going back to school.  It's been a while since he hectored me about that, but anticipating the worst this weekend, I might react to it, uh, not well, let's just say.

I wanted to take the heat off leading into this weekend by doing things that make it look as though I am being a productive member of this household.  Namely, I had intentions this week of cleaning up my room.  But instead, I had a movie I wanted to go to Monday (I told my folks I was going to work out), on Tuesday I had to visit my alumni bar downtown, and Wednesday and last/Thursday night I just fell asleep after dinner.  And I had plans on exercising for real at least one of those days.  So, those best laid plans are ruined, and I have invited My Father to call me on the carpet for doing nothing around the house.

And yet, beyond all that, I am now worried about Father's health.  There is nothing telling me he is sick or going to hurt himself.  But I have never worried about him because he is never alone.  Seriously, I cannot remember my parents being apart for more than a weekend, such as this weekend.  But I go to work today, and tomorrow/Saturday I have that Game-watching event, and then I plan on working on my receipts while hanging out at a coffeeshop after that Game.  Meanwhile, he will be all alone, and while I am worried about his old age, I am also kind of scared he'll get bored out of his mind.  Then again, like I alluded to above, I don't know if I can stand being alone with him, either.

Mother comes back Sunday.  I hope it's closer to the morning than the evening.  But she doesn't even know the city the hotel she's staying in is located.  I will hope Father remains in good spirits while she is gone.  I will also hope I don't kill him.

Have I Mentioned How Much I Hate Going Into The Lab?

I don't know why my work schedule is getting to me this week, but it is.  I was in The Fourth Department to start off the week, and then yesterday/Wednesday I was in Filing for the first half of the day, then keying the back half.  Today/Thursday I am in The Third Department to start off, but only for two hours, then I'm in My Main Department the rest of the day, working the scanner in the afternoon, and I don't know how good I feel about that.  Finally, tomorrow/Friday I'm out there all day, including my weekly trip into the lab to cut open packages and reach into piss.

My time in My Main Department increases throughout the week from zero to four to six to eight, and while I usually like varying my workday because it keeps me awake, seeing my workweek end in the lab this week puts me off.  It ends my week with a thud.  I prefer (at least right now; my mood can change if you ask me another time) getting the worst part of my job out of the way in the middle of the week because my workweek only gets better from there, while this week will end in a nadir.

It probably is my own fault, but I have made little to no effort to make my time back there a good or even an endurable one.  Case in point was my time in there last week.  I unfortunately had to work next to the old hag, the one who threw a package I shoved her way in order to get all the work done.  Partly because of that, uh, incident, but also because I was in hell, I just kept to myself -- I didn't grouse or bitch, but I certainly wasn't gregarious.  I just did my job in order to be done with it.

It is possible that this, uh, lab worker was making entreaties to me, but I admit that any time she said something to me, I kept my comments to a brief "OK" without making eye contact.  Was it possible that my terseness was the reason that, when I moved over an open package from one side of the table to the other, she angrily yelled, "Leave that over there!  We are closed!"?  Probably, possibly, who knows?  All I know is that because of that moment, I am justified in not acting totally friendly to her.  Seriously, what is her fucking problem?

Meanwhile, my problem is that I hate this part of the job so much that it's beginning to affect my whole job.  I don't have to do this crap until tomorrow and I'm allowing it to piss me off.  But I can't help but think about it because I know I will have to do it.  You know, that reaction should be impetus enough to find a new job.  And I guess I will ... when I have the time and the energy to do it.  Which is not now.

Slow-Walked (-Cut?) Into Bad Luck

OK, I no longer remember where I saw it, but I read in a book when I was a kid that you shouldn't cut your nails on Wednesday, Fridays or Sundays.  That has stuck with me ever since, and so I don't trim my nails on those days.  I have never tried finding that superstition till just now.  I haven't seen any consensus about this on the Internet (of course), but more than a couple sites have this nursery rhyme about, I think, not cutting nails on Fridays and Sundays, meaning Wednesdays are A-OK.  Then again, there apparently is a Hindu superstition that the only days you should trim your nails are Wednesdays or Fridays.  And then there's the whole concept of time zones.  I mean, like, it's Wednesday somewhere ... right?

Such are the vagaries of and lack of logic behind superstitions, but like I said, I make it a habit of not doing it on Wednesdays, Fridays or Sundays.  I say this, however, because I just cut my nails just now, on a Wednesday.  But I didn't mean it!  I showered, and that obviously softens up my nails, and so I do my normal routine of trimming my fingernails, going into my bedroom to put my glasses on, hoping the bathroom is cool enough not to fog up my glasses, hoisting myself onto the bathroom counter, curling up into a ball, and cutting my toenails.

The problem is that it took a long time.  I actually went to my bedroom before I trimmed my fingers because I wanted to check what time it was.  It was 11:43, so I had time to cut all 20 of my nails -- or so I thought.  I got done with my final nail (actually, come to think of it, I only trim 19 because I still don't cut my right pinkie toe; otherwise it might rub up against the inside of my Doc Martens boot to the point it gets raw, and I think I blog posted about this a long time ago) and finally retreated into my bedroom for good.  I then checked my watch to make sure ... and it was 12:05.  Shit.

I know I probably am not a fast nail trimmer.  But did it really take me 20 minutes to cut all my nails?  Does it usually take that long?  Saying that, I could have avoided this predicament if I just showered for a shorter amount of time.  I think I started a quarter past 11.  I know it doesn't have to take me almost half an hour to shower, but I like the me time while I'm in there.  And beyond that, I could have started my shower earlier, but I was doomscrolling through Twitter/X about Hurricane Milton.  (Aside: One of the hot models with whom I'm "friends" on Facebook noted that potentially one of the most destructive hurricanes of all-time, and this is shaping up to be a horrific monster of a storm, has one of the fucking dorkiest names you can have ... Milton.)

So, if I follow the superstition I have followed all my life based on a book I read as a kid, I just screwed myself.  Maybe I should have set a timer, given myself a two-minute warning whereby I know I would have to hurry to finish my nails on time.  Whatever.  I guess I'll die on the road tomorrow because I was too slow cutting my damn nails.

Goddamn Sun In My Eyes Weather

I do love autumn, but this is the time of the year where the sun rises just as I am getting to work.  And since I primarily have to head east to get to work, the fucking Sun is in my eyes.  It's on everybody else's eyes, too, and that's why I think traffic is so backed up nowadays: Everyone has to drive slower because they can't fucking see.  I know the cycle of the sunrise is going to change, but dammit, I hope it changes soon, because I am going to other burn my eyes out, get into a crash, or both.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Positive Numbers: Vikings (Last Week: -2).  Going into the Bye Week, I had these guys pegged, at best, at 2-3.  I don't think any of us were expecting anything from this club this season.  But look at them now, look at them now; by hanging on to defeat The New York Jets in London, 23-17, they are one of only two undefeated teams right now -- and if somehow New Orleans were to upset The Bastard Dallas Texans tonight on Monday Night Football, they will stand alone as perfect.  Giving the Vikes the top spot and Positive Numbers is a no-brainer, no?

For the second Game in a row the squad had to hold on, but also for the second Game in a row, the Defense stepped up to hold back the opposing Offense.  At Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, that took the form of picking off Aaron Rodgers thrice, the last from Stephon Gilmore in the last Minute that salted the Win away.  I may have said it before, but if so, I'll say it again: Brian Flores is a fucking Defense whisperer, and he should get another Head Coaching job even if he is suing the NFL.

A huge one in two Weeks: Hosting Detroit.

#0: United FC (Last Week: 0).  Even though I am a season-ticketholder, I am still learning how soccer works.  So I look at the record, see that drew at Salt Lake, beat the Whitecaps in Vancouver, 1-0, sewed up a playoff spot and put themselves in contention to even get out of the Play-In (I guess MLS is calling it the Wild Card Match), and even though they don't have a perfect record, they should get out of negative numbers.

After starting off gangbusters and tailing off big-time in the middle of the season, the side are unbeaten in their last four Matches, and heading into the postseason with a head of steam is the best way to go into the playoffs.  Eric Ramsay apparently wants his players to be flexible but Defense-minded, and many writers believe he finally is getting the type of XI he wants to field.  And while Joaquin Pereyra has overwhelmed so far, Kelvin Yeboah has almost poured in as many Goals as Games he's played in.  And apparently (again, I can't see this myself), Carlos Harvey has been a revelation at Right Back, a position which is not his natural one.  He did yeoman's work filling in for Michael Boxall, who served a suspension for Yellow Card Accumulation after getting booked in the Real Salt Lake contest.

I wish these guys were good enough at least get home-pitch advantage for the First Round, but like I said, positive momentum is also a very good thing.  And they have one final tilt, home to St. Louis, on the 19th, to stay hot.

#-1: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -1).  I just assumed Boston University would have a good women's team because BU usually has a good men's team, but it looks as though they're unranked, so maybe sweeping them at Ridder Arena (1-0 Friday and 5-2 yesterday/Sunday afternoon) ain't such a huge accomplishment.  Still, the team is perfect through four Games.  Now comes the heart of the schedule already: The U. begins WCHA play with a two-Game series in Columbus vs. Ohio St.

#-2: Gopher football (Last Week: -5).  Look, I'm going to tell you all this now: Beating my alma mater isn't impressive.  I guess you all stormed the field; I didn't look because I was too fucking depressed that my team lost to you mediocre motherfuckers.  Because, and I'm not trolling, your team didn't win; our team lost.  My team didn't respect you guys.  My team didn't take the Golden Gophers seriously.  Add to that subpar Offensive Line play, a Quarterback who has been quite shaky the past three tilts, some questionable Penalties and a bullshit Referee reversal from short to Touchdown even though you had no goddamn irrefutable proof on replay Max Brosmer crossed the Goal Line, and my worst fears came true.

But go ahead and take selfies of yourself in the middle of Huntington Bank Stadium.  You beat a name brand, not necessarily a decent team.  Because knowing this team and this program, they're going to head into The Rose Bowl on Saturday and lose to UCLA.  I can almost guarantee it.

#-3: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -3).  Went out to Los Angeles.  Beat UCLA in five thrilling Sets Friday (was able to see the end on my B1G+ app, which is free for alumni of the four schools that came over from the Pac-12, and I need to thank my friend for the tip), then lost to my alma mater in four Saturday.  Hey, at least my alma mater beat the Gophers in something!  While I think these players sport a good resume, at 2-2 so far in-conference and 9-5 overall, I don't know how high of a seed they'll get come tournament time.  This weekend they host Indiana and Pur Maryland.

#-4: Lynx (Last Week: -6).  OK, so I was a bit negative after they lost at home in Game 1 of their Semifinal series versus Connecticut.  They won Game 2.  And then they went to that casino they play in and won Game 3.  But yesterday/Sunday afternoon the Sun won Game 4, setting up a winner-take-all Game 5 at Target Center Tuesday night.  This would be the type of Game that would sell out.  But are team and arena officials even pulling off the tarp to the upper level for this Game after keeping them on for the WNBA Playoffs up till now?  (I just checked the team's website; apparently none of the upper bowl is being sold.  Damn, folks, bad look for a league taking advantage of a massive infusion of popularity.)  The team either faces a quick turnaround to face New York in Game 1 of the WNBA Finals Thursday ... or their season ends ignominiously in a half-filled arena.

#-5: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -4).  This was a very successful screening Week for local teams.  The only one not win at least one Game this Week were the Gopher soccer club, and they didn't lose, they just tied Northwest on Friday at 1.  Their 8-3-2 (Win-Draw-Loss) Record appears to be good enough, at least for now, to put them at the heart of the tournament conversation, at least according to The Only Website I Can Find That Is Doing Women's Soccer Bracketology (which is different from previous websites that have tried bracketology for this sport).  But they have a tall task ahead of them this Week: On the road to face seventh-ranked Ohio St. Thursday and 15th-ranked Penn St. Sunday.