Yeah, This Is Feeling As Bad As Eight Years Ago

I don't want to rehash how I was feeling, but it was eerily similar to how I felt tonight, and being in a bar with like- and correct-minded people did not help with my anxiety and fear at all.

One thing I have noticed, however.  The doomsaying I am seeing now, as accurate as it probably is, was something I didn't see four years ago.  Why?  I can't just explain it away by the pandemic ... can I?  I was unable to congregate anywhere public, obviously, but I remember that on the Saturday after Election Day, when Pennsylvania and the presidency was called for Joe Biden, that I was helping to set up the Vikings Game at U. S. Bank Stadium.  I don't think the euphoria I felt then was reflected by any bonhomie on Election Night four days before.  But it was four years ago, so I could be wrong.

What I am hoping is that, like four years ago, the tabulations won't be done for a while.  Things weren't looking great for Biden this time in 2020, but then states began counting mail-in votes and the totals from the big cities started to pile in.  Maybe it could come sooner, and there are significant headwinds Harris is encounter now.  But I am hoping beyond hope that there is a blue tsunami, or a blue-nami, that will save us from ourselves.

With that said, I haven't looked on social media yet, so maybe democracy's already dead.  Who knows?

I've Had A Bad Day Since, Oh, Dinner Or So

Dinner at home last night was great.  But I ate at a Brazilian steakhouse Sunday night, so I'm already full, plus I have been fat for a while, so what we had last night isn't helping the waistline.  And I won't be going to the gym anytime soon, I'm afraid.

I was leading in all three of my fantasy football teams, including the one I care about because I have money in it, the one in which I have money.  But then Monday Night Football went into Overtime and Kareem Hunt scored the Game-ending Touchdown.  My opponent had Kareem Hunt.  He came back to win.  The guy I just choked away the lead to was winless until last night.  I still lead him in the standings, but I'm next-to-last in the league.  I checked, by the way; I was good four years ago.  That's the only reason I haven't thrown myself off the roof of my house.

Just woke up from a nightmare where, for some reason, I climbed a tree, then realized I was really high up and I froze because I'm afraid of heights.  People offered to climb up to help me.  One dude tried and fell to the ground; I don't know what happened to him.  The others helped me down -- quickly, actually, so quickly that I realized when I got down on the ground that I wasn't as high up as I thought I was.  Whoops.

Oh, and today's Election Day.  Will we still have a democracy after tonight?  Who bleepin' knows?

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Positive Numbers: United FC (Re-Entry!).  I need to give some love to the Loons -- mostly because I decided to go to St. Paul and watch their Game instead of seeing my alumni lose at a bar.  MNUFC spared me a night of frustration and heartache.  Instead, I got to watch my hometown side sweep and upset Real Salt Lake in their First Round Series, something I didn't think would happen this season.

Now, to be fair, both Games reached Penalty Kicks after the squads finished regular time tied (scoreless in Tuesday's Game 1 in Salt Lake City, at 1 after Game 2).  PKs are the worst tie-breakers in world sport (with the possible exception of college football, but hey, when you see Dayne St. Clair stop two shots right in your line of sight, you gotta be happy.  It's rare for a local team to win in a clutch situation.  It's also rare to see them win as an underdog.  And, now that I think about it, this is the first time MNUFC has won a playoff Game at home in front of fans (they beat The Colorado Rapids at Allianz Field in the First Round of the 2020 MLS Cup Playoffs, but that was the pandemic, so no one was there to watch them win).  So, for all those reasons (but mostly for justifying my decision to see them instead of my alma mater), I am not only putting them at the top perch of the survey, but also above negative numbers.

Now for the sucky news: Due to the International Break as well as Major League Soccer spreading out this round's Game 3's till next weekend (of which there will be four), United FC's Conference Semifinal matchup, a one-Match-only setup at The Los Angeles Galaxy, won't be played until Saturday the 23rd.  It seems as though MLS's postseason always drags on like this.  Wonder if this is one of the reasons the league is thinking about flipping its calendar to August-May, matching pretty much every other country on Earth.  I think that's a huge mistake because I don't want to be freezing my dick off in early February.  In fact, I might be forced to sell my season ticket if MLS decides to do that.

#0: Gopher football (Last Week: 0).  After some early struggles, P. J. Fleck has gotten this team to buy in and turn things around.  They beat Illinois in Champaign, 25-17, on Saturday, notching their fourth consecutive victory and reaching their E- (Eligibility) Day in early November.  Also of note: This is the first time Bret Bielema has ever lost to the U.  Ha!

And let's look over the horizon real quick: They visit flaccid Rutgers Saturday.  After a Week off, they host Penn St., who, after losing at home to Ohio St., ain't all that.  They finish up the season at Madison Black Friday, and they're not great shakes, either.  The vibes are good around the gridiron Gophers right now; why can't this team run the table and finish 9-3?  They probably won't make the College Football Playoff, but a New Year's Day Bowl probably is in the offing.  And that's why these guys are above negative numbers as well.

#-1: Wild (Last Week: -5).  This hamstrung outfit somehow has the third-most Points in the National Hockey League after sweeping all three contests they had this screening Week: At Pittsburgh (in what is Marc-Andre Fleury's final appearance at his old stomping ground), then at home over Tampa and, in Overtime, Toronto.  Kirill Kaprisov, who usually starts seasons off slow, is as hot as a two-buck pistol, and is getting very early Hart Trophy consideration.  But I like their trajectory because they just passed The Bastard North Stars to reach third place overall.

They've got a very busy week coming up. The Wild finish up their three-Game homestand Tuesday vs. Los Angeles, then go out for a quick three-Game road trip: Back-to-back at San Jose and Anaheim Thursday and Friday, then at Chicago Sunday.

#-2: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -2).  A two-Game sweep of ranked Penn St. at home over the weekend to start conference play is surely good.  And ... that's all I got to say about that.  At Wisconsin for two this weekend.

#-3: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -1).  Back-to-back sweeps of the Michigan, and both on the road?  That's surely good, too.  And ... that's all I got to say about that as well.  They host the Pacific Northwest schools this weekend (that would be Washington on Thursday and tenth-ranked Oregon on Saturday afternoon).

#-4: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -3).  Swept Bemidji St. in Bemidji over the weekend.  That's surely good ... but it's Bemidji St., so who cares?  At Minnesota-Duluth over the weekend.

#-5: Vikings (Last Week: -6).  Well, at least they got off the schneid and ended their two-Game losing streak by beating The Bastard Baltimore Colts in Sunday Night Football.  Still, I'm not really impressed with this club right now.  I think the Defense really wasn't tested because Indianapolis really isn't a good squad.  Moreover, I think we have seen the ceiling of what Sam Darnold can do.  He was responsible for all three Turnovers the Vikes committed (even though the Fumble was a result of the Colts defender clubbing Darnold across the facemask, which is illegal).  He has trouble making reads and opts for the home run ball when the checkdown is the much better option.

Sunday night started a three-Game stretch where they finish up the AFC South portion of their schedule.  Sunday they visit reeling and lifeless Jacksonville.  After that they visit The Bastard Houston Oilers.  Very weak competition, but they can be 8-2 by the time they play at Chicago.

#-6: Timberwolves (Last Week: -4).  Want to note that overall, it was good Week for local sports.  The seven teams above this line went undefeated, going a perfect 13-0 over the past seven Days.  And that ends here, with the Timberwolves.

Anyway, with the Wolves being firmly his team now, the evolution of Anthony Edwards continues.  He has largely abandoned the mid-range jumper he was known for, and instead has basically taken Karl-Anthony Towns's place in letting it loose from the arc.  It's a healthier shot diet, and so far, he's hitting 43.2% of them.  That's quite good.

Unfortunately it was tough sledding for these guys.  In a Western Conference Finals rematch from last Year, Dallas came into Target Center Tuesday and again beat the Woofs, 120-114.  On Friday they made a hellacious comeback to beat Denver at home.  But playing less than 24 hours later in San Antonio, older and wiser San Antonio took advantage of the club's fatigue and beat them, 113-103.

The T-Wolves have a busy Week as well.  They host Charlotte tonight/Monday night, make a quick stop in Chicago Thursday, come back to host Portland the next night, then play Miami at home Sunday.

#-7: Gopher soccer (Last Week: Positive Numbers).  I was at chilly Robbie Stadium Friday night to watch Minnesota drop their Opening Round tilt versus Penn St., on a Free Kick by Mieke Schiemann with 97 Seconds left to go in the Match.  A gut punch, no doubt; even though I was cold, I wanted to see Extra Time (and in women's college soccer, it appears as though at least the Big Ten relies on an old format of two 10-Minute Extra Time periods before heading to Penalty Kicks and, glory be praised, The Golden Goal).

While that sucked, it looks as though this has not damaged the Gophers' chances of making the NCAA Tournament, which seem to be a lock.  In fact, this bracketologist believes the U. will be part of the top half of the field that will be seeded, specifically a 6-Seed.  We'll see where, and if, Minnesota is going dancing when the 64 teams are selected and placed next Monday.

I Now Hate My Whole Goddamn Family Right Now

I still object to today's plans, even though, thankfully, things have kind of changed.  My sister and brother-in-law are not picking up my niece in Carver County and then going back to St. Paul.  Instead, later this afternoon they are meeting my niece and their parent(s; brother's going, sister-in-law may not be my sister-in-law for all I know) in St. Paul.  Appreciate not taking the car back down there a second straight day.  But my parents and I are still taking the minivan to meet them in downtown St. Paul just a few hours later -- in downtown St. Paul, at the same time as the Wild Game.  And just now, I helped Father load in the removable back seats.  Mother said that if they need to junk the van, they can do so with all the seats in the back.

Wait -- are they junking the car?  She now fucking springs me the news that it's leaking oil and water.  Is the minivan even going to fucking make it to St. Paul?  Is it going to not overheat while it's idling behind a dozen cars full of hockey fans?  And I don't even know if I'm going to find parking on such a busy night. 

And then my parents just told me that they need to use the van on Tuesday, so if my sister needs to fucking take my car, that I have no car on Tuesday.  Where the hell am I going to sleep?  Goddammit, I hate my whole fucking family right now, this is too goddamn much. ...

Aunt Is Hurt

And I heard this morning that my aunt's in the hospital.  Fell and broke her back.  She's got a lot of rehab ahead of her.  How does someone in her eighties do rehab?

Anyway, we are driving down to Carver County, I think right now, to see her.  It's obvious.  But I have to leave in the early evening, get to downtown Minneapolis to make sure the Game is on for all my alumni buddies, than head on over to Midway for the United Match.  And there's also dinner.  And I have about four hours to do this all.  By the way, yes, the car is getting taxed today.  It needs to, also obvious, but considering that I took this to the airport this morning and my sister and brother-in-law are taking it to Carver County tomorrow, this is exactly the work and wear I was afraid the car was going to go through.

Hell, I'll just say it: I kind of resent my sister being here.  I feel as though she's horning in on my space, and that she's staying for only a little while before I have to readjust to her (and my brother-in-law) leaving is only aggravating me even more.  But it's the car that bothers me.  I finally realized something obvious: When I was out in Hawai'i, I never asked to use their car to just drive around.  But while they're here, they're driving my car, and they're driving it everywhere, and they will be driving it so much I am really, really bothered and scared that, at worst, they'll get into an accident and, at best, they'll be tacking on miles and bringing big repairs that much closer to today ... and that will be crap I will have to clean up.

Come to think of it, I gave her use of my car for some, if not most, of the days the last time she visited here, which wasn't too long ago (a year ago?  Two years?), by herself, while the parents had started wintering in Las Vegas.  Does she now feel, for lack of a better word, entitled to the use of my car whenever she's in town?  That cannot be the way this works, and I feel bad if that is the impression I gave her.  But she is coming off as if she can just waltz in to the house and use my car willy-nilly.  I really don't mind if those two tool around the metro area -- within reason.  But going outstate every day while they're here?  Hell no, but that is impression I am getting from her, and I don't know if I need to set her straight.

Anyway, I need to get up in several hours to pick them up at the airport.  Hope the car stays in one piece.

I Don't Know When To Go Out/Don't Know When To Stay In

Adding to my anxiety as my sister and brother-in-law come back home for a week and a half is that for every workday this week, I spent some time out.  With this headache coming tomorrow/Saturday morning (and I mean that in the nicest way), I could have used an evening just to myself, at home.  But I was out instead -- sometimes because I wanted to (I hit this bar in the outskirts of downtown Minneapolis Monday because it had a Halloween theme; I was going to see the Opening Round of The Big Ten Women's Soccer Tournament yesterday/Thursday), sometimes because I had to (had to go to our bar Tuesday to make sure we could watch the Game this Saturday; and I had to stash my shit because My Fucking Father threw it in the recycling bin on Wednesday).  Goddamn, I was so busy.

Today/Friday was going to be my nothing day.  But then *****y texted Wednesday that she was hosting a party, and considering all the stress I had from My Fucking Father making decisions on stuff that wasn't his and from my sister and brother-in-law coming tomorrow/Saturday, I thought a little sexual healing would be good for me.  But then yesterday's/Thursday's snow came.  It sure was no Halloween Blizzard, but it was a lot more than the trace that was forecast to fall in our area.  Because of that, the Matches that were supposed to be played yesterday/Thursday are instead going to be played today/Friday.  And because I love being an in-person neutral for big tournaments like this -- and because I don't know if I can get my money back -- instead of getting my pee-pee yanked, I'll be braving the cold of sitting at the Robbie Stadium bleachers.  And I'll be tired as hell once I get home ... after I have a late dinner and gas up my car.  My sis and bro-in-law come in at 6 in the morning Saturday.

But hey, the headlight bulbs finally came, and in time.  Maybe we won't need a rental car this weekend after all.  Unfortunately, the long line of what-ifs regarding this stupid decision to have dinner in St. Paul around the time the Wild Game starts remains.

Motherfucker Back To His Cruel Ways

I'm just kind of running red right now because Father went through my bedroom and threw everything away.  Well, not everything, but the papers I keep around my bedroom which, for some goddamn reason, has always set him off.  I didn't think he would do it, but the occasion of my sister and brother-in-law gave him an excuse to go on his fucking cleaning jags.

I went home to see my bedroom a lot less, uh, "cluttered" than usual, and then I had to really control my temper in order not to lose it.  I acted passive-aggressively after that -- I had to go out and retrieve two bags of my stuff that motherfucker stuffed into the recycling bin (glad I did that; recycling day's today), I stomped into my sister's room and my former bedroom to find my other stuff, and I didn't eat much dinner (there wasn't much I liked anyway).  I didn't want to start a fight with My Fucking Father, but if My Fucking Father wanted to start a fight, I was ready to meet his challenge.  But he didn't, so I didn't.

And yet my paranoia and anger still wells in me.  I had to alter my plans tonight; I wanted to buy stuff at Target in anticipation of them coming back home, but I had to go to my storage unit to give my stuff safe harbor.  But there is still one big bag of my stuff that, for some fuckin' reason, My Fucking Father put into my old room and not the recycling bin.  He might've thought he couldn't throw it away.  But after I leave in the morning -- and I will leave earlier than I do, and because it's Halloween, I won't be coming back till late -- I could see him going outside, looking into the bin, see that I pulled stuff out (if he hasn't already suspected it), and dumping the rest of my stuff there.  Would he be so cruel?  Yes.  He's My Fucking Father.

The only reason I haven't is because, if he doesn't care enough to look at the bin in the morning, then he has done all he wanted to do, and moving even more stuff into storage is wasted energy when I have other shit I need to do.  But considering this supreme violation, I cannot put anything past him.  He had to fucking escalate again because he has nothing else in his life, that asshole.

Anxiety (Should Be) Rising

Alright, I still don't know if I'm going out to dinner with family Sunday, I don't know if my parents have decided they're going out to dinner with family Sunday, I don't know if the headlight bulbs will be delivered in time to use the minivan for dinner Sunday, I don't know if I should get a rental car to use for dinner on Sunday (and I have to worry whether my parents are not going to freak out about getting a rental car too, but that's another layer of anxiety), and worst of all, I don't know if anybody involved with dinner on Sunday even cares.  I'm afraid this entire damn family is just "playing it by ear" when it comes to dinner on Sunday, and we can't.

Are we doing this or not?  I don't like that I feel as though I need to be the one to initiate conversation.  Yeah, I might be the one who most knows what's going on, and I had to buy the bulbs, and I'm the one going back and forth between my parents and my sister.  But you know, they can talk to each other.  They can make plans.  They can fret over plans, such as dinner on Sunday, and not just me.

So that's what I'm afraid of: Them not caring, me standing my ground and refusing to invest more energy than I already am, and then Sunday rolls around and we can't go because we can't drive the van at night.  So, whose fault is it then?  I'm worried about everything else about them coming; I don't need this, too.

I Have To Admit -- I'm Really Starting To Resent Them Coming Here

Yeah, it's the disruption, the (kind of) lack of privacy, and, once again, my sister's need to make things all about her.  She gets that way sometimes, but mostly on big occasions where she's the center of attention, and it pisses me off.

The last time she was here she wanted all the suitcases we have stowed in her bedroom out of her bedroom, and she wanted all her bedsheets washed.  Now, I think normal family members would of course do that for her, and wouldn't need prompting.  I am not normal.  I could sleep in dusty bedsheets for all I care.  I just need a clean damn bed.  But no, she wants what she and my brother-in-law are going to sleep in all clean and fresh-smelling, even if they're only going to be here a week and a half.

And I think I touched on this before, but this dinner in St. Paul on Sunday is really grinding my gears.  First of all, my sister wants to use my car, and I'm going to give it to her.  Also, it seems really damn inconvenient for one group of people who are staying in this house to go out to St. Paul and then have the people who live in the same house go out to St. Paul later that same day.  And then my folks told me on Saturday that the minivan, the vehicle I will purportedly be using whenever my sister and brother-in-law want to use my car, had its headlights short out.  I had to buy them on Amazon; they might get here before they get here, and they might not.  And on top of all that, I realized that the Wild are playing in St. Paul on Sunday, and around the same time as the early dinner.  I am not that familiar with St. Paul, and now I have to worry about getting stuck in hockey traffic, too??

Once I realized the minivan had no night lights and I'd have to deal with Wild traffic on Sunday, I obsessed over it all day at work yesterday/Monday -- like, distractingly so.  I really do love my sister and brother-in-law, and I really want to spend some time with my niece, who is the reason my sis and bro-in-law are taking my car on Sunday.  But I hate, hate, hate these dinner plans the more I learned what I have to deal with.  I could feel my body well up with rage and anxiety and dread and helplessness because I feel forced to do something I really, really don't want to do.

And then it hit me: If I don't want to go, don't go.  At first that thought was insane.  I don't see my niece a whole lot as it is.  If I don't see her on this opportunity, I don't know when I'll see her again.  Also, has she noticed how seldomly I see her?  If I make the decision not to go, well, she has to know, and what will she think of me?  But as I kept thinking yesterday ... you know, my sister did raise the idea that I didn't have to go.  And I am such an incorrigible bastard that I might say, yeah, screw it, I'll see you guys some other time, tell my niece I say hi.  Frankly, I'm leaning that way right now.  It is selfish and self-centered of me, but once I started being more accepting of that decision, a weight was lifted off of me.  And I would do anything for peace of mind, even ditching family.

So I texted her my concerns.  I asked her if our parents wanted to go to dinner and she said yeah.  Guess I should have talked to them directly since, you know, I live with them.  Anyway, my thoughts are moot if they want to go; I can't not go if they're going.  Then again, their desire to go to dinner on Sunday may be moot if Amazon can't deliver these headlight bulbs in time.  (Yes, they can go to a store to get them, but Father did that on Saturday, and he's so goddamn cheap that when I told him we could get bulbs through Amazon for less than half the price he got them at Wal-Mart, he immediately went back and returned them.)  My sister couldn't foresee this shitshow, but in a shitshow like this, maybe this isn't a good idea, you know?  But these fucking plans are going through, and I have to be the dutiful brother/son and just fucking fall in line, no matter the stress and stupidity of the whole thing.