With that being said, I did have the option of choosing my words carefully, even deciding not to comment on something she said. And yet, on Facebook, I went over the breach when she posted a screenshot of a text exchange with, er, someone. This guy started off the conversation (or at least the the first part of the conversation she showed) with something along the lines of, "Well, I'll probably get shot down, but YOLO -- would you go out with me?" to which she replied, "Well, since you started off being so insecure, you definitely will get shot down." See, I see a lot of myself in this guy. He needs to put up his walls even if he tries to do something positive because he is afraid, and he knows, that he will get hurt. I think that's totally understandable.
Therefore, I ventured into her comments section and said something to the effect of, "I think he was only being humble." For some reason I thought she wouldn't respond. She is busy working on a film, or something. Instead, she immediately goes, "WHAT?!" Ah, whoops.
Just then I imagined myself at a fork in the road -- like, literally standing on the spot where one road splits into two. I could just not respond, and so she would either let it go or think that I was being a dick who couldn't back up what I said. On the other hand, I could respond, and either she could be understanding (or, better yet, laugh at my comment) ... or she could totally ridicule me. Either way, there remains the possibility that she would block me.
With what I thought was a binary choice, I think I actually found a middle path that may have made things even worse. I replied, quickly, and I thought I had something to say, something like, "So you're telling me this dude, who I assume you've never met, actually had a chance to meet or go out with or even have sex with you, but you shot him down because he expressed self-doubt that someone who is both gorgeous and in adult films would say yes?" But I thought that I would be saying too much. Also, I thought time was of the essence; if I didn't say something, she would cut me off at the knees. So, as a stupid compromise, I went "I just ..." and then I threw up a shrug emoji. And she replied, "ok weirdo."
Well, I guess I blew my chance to meet or go out with or even have sex with her, too. But ever since it happened last night, she's been on my mind, and my brain continues to ask why that is. I have seen her naked. I have seen her "work." She's bleepin' gorgeous and can go all night like an incinerator. But I've never met her. We have interacted through social media a few times, but I have never met her. So why is her comment affecting me so much? Better I put it this way: Why am I letting someone I've never met affect me so much? It's because she's a porn star, or that she's hot, or that she was nice to me a few times before. But still, I have to be honest: We've never met. We are not friends. So why does her comment to me make me so sad? I can't be like that. Otherwise, my day will be ruined whenever someone isn't nice to me. Well, that actually happens now, but that's something that I shouldn't let happen to me, you know?
I'll try and get over it. But there is one saving grace to all this. I would think that if she snaps at someone like she did to me, she would block that person. It's the Internet, after all, and if she didn't like what I said, it stands to reason that she would block me, for safety's sake or because she's annoyed. But she hasn't, at least not yet. Maybe she recognizes my name and thinks, "Whatever, he's harmless." That probably is the best I can shoot for, and maybe, just maybe, I can think of something more clever to say to her in order to get back in her good graces. (Gosh, look at me caring what she thinks of me again.)
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