#-1: Twins (Last Week: -3). My fucking God, what a miserable sports week it's been for Minnesota. So bad, in fact, that after looking at all the records, it is the fucking Twinks, of which I saw a highlight of one Twinks Pitcher (don't remember who) airmailing a pickoff throw to Second Base, has to be the best team this screening Week. Sad, really. But they went 3-3, and those three Wins came in consecutive Games Saturday, Sunday and Tuesday, the first two of which gave them the series Win over Division-leading Cleveland. They're still in a three-way tie with Kansas City and Detroit for third, or last. But this Week, that's enough to climb to the top.
They finish their series at home versus Miami this/Thursday afternoon. They then host The Bastard Seattle Pilots thrice over the weekend and Houston for a trio beginning on Monday, completing a nine-Game homestand.
#-2: Lynx (NEW SEASON!!). So they Lynx, who've lost half their team and is without superstar Napheesa Collier until June due to double ankle surgery, began their season Saturday night at home vs. Atlanta. First Round Draft pick Olivia Miles is the wizard many thought she would become. There were five or six passes she made that seemed to materialize out of nowhere. She may be a keeper.
Unfortunately, Miles doesn't yet have a jumpshot. Also, the reason I hated the Lynx drafting her over Awa Fam (who went third to Seattle) is her unwillingness to play Defense, and besides the Steals she accumulated on the Dream, she was largely a door saloon. Blowing a 15-Point Halftime lead to lose at the very end of the Game isn't solely her fault; after all, they went on the road and defeated Phoenix, the club that eliminated them last Year, for their first victory in 2026. But I was at that Loss, and seeing the wheels slowly and then quickly fall off the team is something I begrudge whenever a local team blows a lead and eventually loses. You might as well tank.
At The Bastard Detroit Shock tonight/Thursday night, hosting Chicago Sunday.
#-3: Timberwolves (Last Week: -1). Can't say I feel comfortable that the T-Wolves will somehow pull off the series Win over San Antonio. Victor Wembanyama is growing into the alien form many are projected him to become. And at many points this series, the Spurs have acted like they are the better team. And yet, while the Wolves are down 3-2, they have tomorrow/Friday night's Game 6 at home to make this series go the distance. It should be noted that in both of Minnesota's Wins, the margins of victory were two and five Points. In two of three Spurs victories, San Antonio routed them by 38 and 29.
#-4: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -2). Lost two-of-three at home to Michigan. They actually mercy-ruled the Wolverines in Friday's opener, 13-1 in seven Innings. But then they lost 9-8 Saturday and 8-5 Sunday. So the Gophers are in a three-way tied for tenth place in the B1G. The top twelves teams make it to the conference tournament (which, by the way, is configured in a way I've never seen before: The lowest eight Seeds play double-elimination with each other until four schools are bumped off. The remaining four Seeds play the top four Seeds in a single-elimination knockout round that begins next Friday). The only way the U. doesn't make it is if they lose all three Games this weekend and the team in 13th place, Michigan St., sweeps. The chances of that nightmare scenario happening gets raised a bit once you learn that for their last Games of the regular season, they host 24th-ranked Nebraska this weekend.
#-5: United FC (Last Week: 0). My fatigue is really setting in, so my grandiose essay about James Rodriguez will have to either wait or be forgotten. But let me say I finally saw him on the Allianz Field pitch, and even though MLS still hasn't shed its reputation as the equivalent of a retirement home, seeing James make pinpoint passes no one else could see and thus prove he is one of the five best players in MLS doesn't get me up in arms. The pair of Assists he dished out in the 2-all Draw Sunday vs. Austin at home were sublime. Too bad he couldn't score in last/Wednesday night's droll affair versus Colorado. The Loons got an xG of 1.50, but got shut out, 1-0. Meanwhile, the Rapids accrued an xG of .45, and yet scored on a breakaway. xG has always seemed to be sus.
At New England Saturday. That's three Games over the course of a week.
#-Infinity: Wild (Last Week: -1). I really don't want to give these assholes more oxygen than they can waste. But with their backs against the wall and playing in an hostile environment, the Mild blew a 3-0 lead to The Bastard Quebec Nordiques and lost Game 5 and the series in Overtime, thus sending them to Cancun. I'm just glad I was able to see a disaster (MNUFC's defeat) in person that served as a distraction from seeing a different collapse (the Mild) in real time.
What now? Kirill Kaprizov's mammoth contract kicks in next season. Quinn Hughes might be asked to be traded. And the most promising roster in Wild history has fallen short, again. Do you know the precise moment when the Wild were eliminated from postseason play? Of course, it's Bill Guerin inviting dirty dumbfuck Kash Patel into the Team USA men's hockey locker room to get drunk on piss beer! They were damned from that point on.
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