I should reveal why my parents and I went to the casino about ten days ago. We went up to Grand Casino Hinckley to participate in the traveling version of Wheel of Fortune. My parents have repeatedly groused to me that I should get on the show because whenever we watch the show over dinner I always solve the puzzle before the contestants do. When they saw in a commercial that they'd "be" at Grand Casino Hinckley, there was absolutely no chance I wouldn't do it. And besides, this show doesn't come around every day, so I might as well try it once to see what it's like.
Turns out there are three shows they seat for. You have to fill out an application, then get randomly picked to go up onstage in one of the hotel's grand ballrooms and compete in a modified version of the game. No, as I expected neither Pat Sajak nor Vanna White were there, though the Pat replacement was a nice guy and the Vanna replacement was quite pretty.
The trip started off with me driving, Father riding shotgun and Mother in the sole backseat in their minivan. They don't know where it was, but getting to the casino's easy enough -- it's just a highway. If I'm the one to try and compete on the show, and if they're just watching, shouldn't they be driving me?
I was even more internally infuriated that Father insisted on turning on the fan but pointing it down on the floor, towards the legs. He always does that because, I guess, he hates the air blowing in his face. But again, he wasn't driving. I was, and I was hot over being nervous about what could happen if I got on the show. But I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to make our 75-minute road trip ugly. So I sucked it up and took on all the responsibility on our way up there.
Grand Casino Hinckley is nice; I like their canopy over the valet front loading area the best. However, once we got into the casino, it looked quite small, though with all the slot machines it looks like one long, loud and confusing blur of spinning cherries and flashing lights and cacophonous dings like any other casino. Thankfully, once we entered there was a person who directed us to the line of WOF.
My God, the line was huge. And we were snaked through the aisles of slot machines so we could get the wristbands we need in order to get the application we need from another part of the gambling complex. (Special thanks to several of the workers for being so nice about pointing me where I needed to go and telling me what I needed to do.) And after all of that the instructions said we needed to sign up for a membership card with the casino. I think thats's a lie; I mean, why would the show care if someone doesn't sign up with a casino they're not going to see after they blow after the weekend. But I signed up just in case; I planned on doing it anyway.
At first I thought my parents were going to line up with me so I wouldn't be alone. Then they headed off by themselves in the gaming area. I then thought that was best because I didn't think they wanted to enter the show, so their time up there would best be spent pissing their money away at the slots.
I didn't think, however, that when the line started to move for the wristbands that my parents would join back up with me. They got their wristbands and their applications, and I had a bad thought that they would try and get on the show, even though their conversation English would probably make them trip over their words, assuming they could solve the puzzles.
Luckily, they knew best not to. However, their plan kind of pissed me off. Mother gave me the applications her and Father got and told me to fill those out under my name too. The rules specifically state that you can only enter one application per show; if I didn't get onstage the first show, there were two more shows afterward that I could do, so cheating like this wasn't necessary, and I kind of pitched a fit over Mother's idea. I didn't want to get called up, only to hear my name a second time. I don't want to get humiliation onstage and have a bunch of women who are fanatical over Wheel of Fortune want to murder me. I didn't need that shit.
In the end, though, I caved and broke the rules and filled out all three applications the same, all under my own name. First of all, I needed to keep the peace with my parents, who really wanted me to do this. Second, there were so many people lined up, the chances of two of my apps getting selected were low. Finally, I came to the realization of, Who cares? Wheel of Fortune might not be in town for another five years. These people I'm trying to get on the show with I'll probably never see again. Hell, I might not even see the casino again. What's the worst that could happen? I'll blame it on my parents.
So after about two hours of queuing and waiting and gambling, we finally shuffle with about 2,000 people (the vast majority females) into the casino's grand ballroom, where we dropped the applications into a box. They were then transferred into a hopper onstage with a smaller makeshift version of the letterboard on TV; the tiles swing around, like the old days, and the Vanna-lite (I forget her name) had to write each letter in and erase them all after the puzzle was solved.
Here's how it worked: Five names were picked at a time. After a very scary interview onstage in front of everybody, you get the category. From first to last, you get to name a letter; if it's in the puzzle, you get three seconds to guess the puzzle. Unless you solve, Pat-lite goes to the next person in line. No spinning the wheel for money, no paying for vowels; you just name letters.
The only wheel spun is a prize wheel the host pulled once before each puzzle. Whatever it lands on is the prize all five contestants get, regardless of whether they won or lost. They threw in something else, too. After the puzzle was solved, those five shuffled offstage to be replaced by the next five. There were supposed to be 50 people, but they took so long that they only got through, like, 30. Plus there was one no-show, and one person was able to stay onstage because the puzzle was solved before they got to her.
Anyway, I noticed that a lot more men were called up on average compared to what I think was the composition of the audience. In particular, it looked like a man was picked as the fifth and final contestant every single wave. And one of those last guys ... was me. My heart skipped a beat, and I felt both nervous and numb at the same time. What are the odds I'd get selected? Better than I thought, I guess.
I stammered through my interview. I told the host I was a home health aide, which is stretching it. I also said I love to travel, which I do, I just can't afford to because I have no job. And I think I was able to say I like going to the Twins' new ballpark clearly.
I'm one of those guys who thinks I know the puzzle faster than the ones onstage. In retrospect, I think the audience thought the same of me and my three fellow losers. The category was "place," (a magnetized placemat signifying below the puzzle on the mini-board) and there were two words. The woman in front of me, whom I made small chitchat with while onstage as the host was naming the last of the audience members to play, got three "L"'s. From that, I knew the second word was "alley." I got one "N," but I couldn't get the first word.
It came around a second time before the woman before me got the puzzle -- "bowling alley." Dammit! It's so obvious now!! Oh well. The host shook my hand a second time as I led all of us down the stairs where our swag was waiting. What did I get? A Wheel of Fortune single armhole backpack stuffed with a WOF t-shirt, hat, and plastic coffee mug.
The host said that they'll take the applications of all those who "won" and made it onstage, take several more apps from the hopper, and check them out back at headquarters in Los Angeles. If they like what I wrote, I get a call.
The three of us celebrated by eating at the buffet, mine of which I got free from swiping my Grand Casino card and playing an NFL pick 'em game. I have to say that I was cloud nine. And I felt so proud of "winning" my stuff that I told Mother to please keep it safe because there were people out there that wanted what I got. Played a few slots, tried to play 21 but got denied, and then we went home.
I asked Father to drive, and he was OK with it, and he hasn't seemed to try and get back at me for it by yelling at me for something else since. All in all, I have to say, it was a good night.
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