The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -7).  In total, this screening Week was a very, very shitty one for local teams.  (At first blush this might not be a good time for the Twins to start their season, but looking at how awful most local teams were the past seven Days, it actually might be a great time.)  It was particularly execrable on campus ... except for the Gopher Nine, who were able to feast on low-major talent, knocking off St. Thomas on Wednesday, 8-2, then then taking two-of-three over the weekend versus High Point, all four Games of which at Das Bank 2.0.  Compared with the crappy performances the other Twin Cities clubs turned in, this looks downright dynastic.

They now leave the Vikings' stadium and go to their home, Siebert Field, for the first time this season as they have a three-Game series against Iowa.

#-2: United FC (Last Week: -6).  I am trying to maintain hope for Eric Ramsay, but honestly, after the past two Matches, I don't think the Loons are a good team at all.  One Week after blowing a three-Goal lead and ending up tied at Kansas City, they hosted The Los Angeles Galaxy -- who, like Sporting Kansas City, had accrued only one Point going into their contest with MNUFC -- and blew not one lead but two.  The Galaxy, defending MLS Cup Champions and the squad that eliminated United FC in last Year's playoffs, hardly look like they did last Year.  But they do have Christian Ramirez, who started and leveled the Match at 1 with a header from a very acute angle.  (Why in the fuck did Adrian Heath and Manny Lagos trade Christian Ramirez I don't fucking know, but he still would fit in as the perfect Striker for the Loons, and I mean it.)  Kelvin Yeboah slotted home his second of the tilt via Penalty Kick, but three Minutes later, in the 90th Minute, traffic in front of fill-in Goalkeeper Alec Smir allowed the Galaxy's Carlos Emiro Garces to kick a slow ball into the corner, and the Match ended 2-2.  I'm sorry, but if you can't put away awful teams, you cannot be a good one.  And now the Loons, sixth in the West but falling slowly, host Real Salt Lake Saturday.  And RSL has six Points, not one, so they are going to be a tougher opponent to draw with.

#-3: Wild (Last Week: -2).  The slow-motion collapse continues.  They started off the Week crushing both Seattle and Buffalo at home, but versus real good teams, they folded: 3-0 at The Team That Was Stolen From Us v.2.0. Monday, 5-1 at home to (Las) Vegas last/Tuesday night.  Meanwhile, St. Louis is now only two Points behind the Mild.  And only four Points behind the Blues is Calgary.  The Flames are in ninth place ... and that's where Minnesota might be if they can't haul this quivering, malfunctioning carcass of a team across the regular season finish line.

They finish their three-Game homestand against Alex Ovechkin and Washington and The Bastard Colorado Rockies, which is the start of a home-and-home; the two teams play in New Jersey Monday.

#-4: Timberwolves (Last Week: -1).  The more the season plays out showing how the Timberwolves aren't gelling, the more infuriating it gets.  They had a two-Game series versus The Bastard Charlotte Hornets at Target Center.  They walloped New Orleans by 41 on Friday -- but that was after they lost to this shitty team by four on Wednesday.  They then lost by 16 at Indiana Monday, and the doubts surrounding Julius Randle, Rudy Gobert, and even Anthony Edwards are popping up again, with only nine Games left in the season.  And they are technically eighth in the West, a place where the Woofie Dogs have stubbornly been nearly all Year.  Maybe these guys aren't that good.

This Week they host Phoenix and Detroit before traveling to face Denver.

#-5: Gopher softball (Last Week: -4).  Oof, I'm getting the feeling this program is going nowhere.  The club got swept in Lincoln by Nebraska, who managed to score eight Runs in all three of their victories.  They are now 2-5 in the Big Ten and have lost four in a row, and open up play at Cowles Stadium vs. Nebraska Northwestern over the weekend.

#-Infinity (tie): Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -3) and Gopher wrestling (Last Week, respectively: -3 and -5).  Have I pointed out that the Gopher women's hockey and wrestling teams usually cease at the same time?  I may have not noticed much in recent Years, but this Year both teams ended with a conspicuous and extremely disappointing thud, albeit for their own distinct reasons.

For the U. women's hockey team, the way this season ended was more disastrous than others because they were hosting the Frozen Four.  It's great that the U. and Ridder Arena appear to be on a regular rotation for this great and burgeoning event.  (I just took a quick look at the history of the event; I think I've been to four of the past five Frozen Fours that took place at Ridder.  I'm kind of proud of myself.)  It would be even better if the U. won the NCAA championship.  But they haven't done that since 2016, and they haven't even been in the title Game since 2019.  In fact, the past three championship match-ups in top-flight women's college hockey have been Wisconsin vs. Ohio St.  That was assured when the Buckeyes doubled up Cornell and the Badgers ripped through the Goofers on Friday, 6-2.

So, like I said in my previous blog post, when I took my seat in Ridder Sunday for the title Game, I was in a row and a section and, frankly, a rink filled with Wisconsin fans.  There was one section and scattered small groups rooting for The Ohio State University.  Otherwise, it was LaBahn West.  And, like I said, the Badgers were rewarded with a thrilling, come-from-behind victory in Overtime.  Also, like I said, that the Goofers' home venue was filled with the two schools that have thoroughly lapped the U. in prestige and success should be a source of embarrassment for Minnesota Athletic Director Mark Coyle.  But there has been no talk (at least as far as I have heard) about replacing longtime Head Coach Brad Frost.  It looks like Coyle operates the athletic department laissez-faire; he will only make a change when there is significant pressure from the fanbase (and in particular the moneyed folk) to do so.  That might have happened when he relieved Ben Johnson of duties with the men's basketball team.  I would not disapprove of the same thing happening with Frost.  But it looks like it ain't happening.  So we will get another season of a team going through the motions with no possibility of breaking through.

As for the wrestlers, there is no reasonable path to thinking they're going to win a championship for a generation, or at least as long as Cael Sanderson is the Head Coach at Penn St.  Yes, those goddamn Nittany Lions won another overall title -- their fourth straight and twelfth in the last 15 NCAAs.  Turns out the Gophers finished in a tie for fifth, the best-ever finish under Brandon Eggum and the school's best since they finished second in 2014.  Sure, the U. only managed 51.5 Points when Penn St. got 177, but still.

That isn't the storyline coming out of the NCAAs, however and very, very unfortunately.  The only reason to follow this team is Gable Steveson, returning to lord over the heavyweight division once again.  He did it all season ... and then he fell in the final to the 2-seed, Oklahoma St.'s Wyatt Hendrickson.  Steveson was about to motor to his fifth overall title, but with two Seconds left, Hendrickson took him down and won, 5-4.  It was the first time Steveson ever lost as a collegian, and it apparently will be the last Match he will ever as a Gopher.  Many in the know call it The Greatest Upset In College Wrestling History.  (To make matters worse, Hendrickson shook the hand of That Fucking Guy, who was there getting his ego stroked.  Of course a Minnesotan has to lose to a fucking dumb MAGAt.)  Look, the fifth-place overall finish is nice, but the only thing we Gopher fans had to look forward to was Steveson being King Of The Mat again.  And it didn't happen.  And that is a very, very bitter pill to swallow.