Shit That Happened To Me This Weekend (Non-Gas Getting Edition)

• I'm sorry, Mr. Scalper, for being a dick to you, and then being mush-mouthed when I tried to apologize to you.  It's just that I was trying to get scalped tickets to the college basketball and hockey games being played here a couple weeks ago, and all the scalpers were being dicks, insulting me and cursing me out.  So I had my guard up in case you were the same.  I should remember that not all of you are like that.
• Yeah, I pushed you, you son-of-a-bitch.  You were pushing your way through The Hockey Lodge, and not just to get to your parents or something, but to get to a rack of stuff before everyone else.  You're a whiny little kid, and you needed to be shoved by someone, preferably by someone you disrespected.  In other words, me.
• Mom, if the DVD Player isn't at Wal-Mart, it won't be at Target.  Wal-Mart's the place to buy all the shit DVD Players for cheap; Target has some standards, at least.  Wait -- you went there this afternoon?  Well, you didn't have to do that. ...
• Geez, Mother, your smoothies are fine, but I don't know if I can continue drinking them from the measuring cups.  I know, I've drank smoothies from them all my life, but I'm getting old now, and it took me three hours to drink it, and afterwards it feels like my spleen is leaking strawberries and bananas.  Maybe I should use my own cup next time.