Forgetfulness, Choices And Loss Of Time

Today is the kind of day that makes me want to say in the house.

I wanted to leave the house early this afternoon so I can finally go to Uncle Franky's with enough time for me to eat something without needing to hoover it down before I get to "work" at 1. I left the house at 11:45 ... but I forgot my goddamn phone. I wouldn't have gone back for it except 1) my Grandmother warned me she might call me if she needed something, 2) I needed to pick something up for all of us to eat for dinner and I knew that if I just left without my phone she wouldn't called me, and 3) I needed to call someone to fill something out and send it back to me today. So I had no choice but to turn back. Unfortunately that meant I had to do a U-turn onto lunchtime traffic, then wait at an intersection to turn left. I'll be damned if being only a mile and a half away from my house meant I had to take 10 minutes to go home and retrieve my phone. I ate slowly anyway, but I got to "work" a couple minutes after 1. It's not a big deal unless you remember that if I remembered my fuckin' phone I would've been there early, which is always better.

Meanwhile, I was debating whether or not to go out tonight or tomorrow night. Going out meant both going to a coffeehouse and working on my taxes and going to my favorite strip club and getting a few lapdances before I have to pay my enormous tax bill. I couldn't decide, though, and all day I was going back and forth mentally listing the pros and cons of going out both days -- "See ... if I go tonight I can get an LD from my ATF, plus I'm out already, so I won't potentially take my car out tomorrow when it's not absolutely necessary. But there are those two Frozen Four college hockey games I want to watch, and I guess I can go to BJ's and watch there, plus maybe my ex-stripper waitress ATF will be allowed to give me a lapdance." You can tell that I couldn't decide.

In cases like this I wait for the decision to be made for me. And I thought it was when I finally got home from grabbing a chicken for dinner. My Mother beat me home, and she put her minivan right in front of the garage door so I couldn't park my car. I'll have to either ask her to move or get the keys so I can move it, and since I have to go through all this shit I might as well park my car now and not go out tonight.

So I leave my car running and run inside to see that the door's open and my mom's keys are still in the lock. She's dropping by before going to get her mammogram. Oh, OK, so I can wait till she leaves and then park my car. So Mother, you leavin' now. "Not yet," she replied, "5:40." It's 5:20, and I can't just have my car running for 20 minutes, so now I have to go and turn my car off, and since I'm turning my car off that changes my night's plans completely and I now have to go out tonight. The only thing worse than leaving my car running for 20 minutes is to turn it on for just 1 in order to put in my garage.

The minute I turn it off, however, my mom comes out.

"I thought you weren't leaving!"

"I leave now."

"But you said you weren't leaving!"

"My appointment's at 5:40. It's 5:20. I go now."

"But you didn't fucking say your appointment was at 5:40, you said you were fuckin' leaving at 5:40. You made me turn off my car, goddamn you!!" (OK, I didn't say this part out loud, but I was thinking it.)

I turned off my car unnecessarily. I am now forced to go out and do my taxes and get a lapdance at a stripclub because my Mother, well, she misled me.

OK, I wasn't totally on the up-and-up either. I spent too much of my time at the SC and less than an hour at the coffeehouse, and once there I spent most of it surfing the Internet and not checking my taxes. I had to leave 'round midnight because 1) I wanted to see if Jimmy Kimmel Live was live this week (it's not -- hey, no talk show is live this week! What the hell am I supposed to watch late at night?!) and 2) the coffeeshop closes at midnight.

These three incidents all have one similarity: They cost me time. And although I really need money right now, time is something I will never get back.

I Hate The Dallas Stars And I Hope The Franchise And All Their Fans Rot In Hell, And Any Wild Fans Who Don't Agree Can Go Fuck Themselves

One thing people who are sports fans who want to get to know me is that I hate the Dallas Stars because they were here. I still remember the move like it was yesterday. Still can't quite articulate the pain and anger that damn franchise still strikes in me, but after the theft -- and it was theft -- I concluded two things: 1) for all the talk that it's a business, sports teams create a civic bond with its community because they appeal to the "family experience" in order to make money; and 2) college sports are better because they never move. For now and ever more, I consider that team the Bastard North Stars, or the Team That Was Stolen From Us, or The Team That Should Still Be Here. All of those things are true.

And yet the thing that may upset me the most is that I think I'm the only one this angry about it. I don't feel that Minnesota sports fans, let alone Minnesota Wild fans, care all that much that the history, statistics, championships and retired numbers of the North Stars aren't technically ours. They should be because we're the ones the rooted for them, for fuck's sake. And yet I don't see too many people angry about the North Stars being taken away from us the way Seattle SuperSonics fans do, or even Brooklyn Dodgers fans do (and that was a half-century ago!), or even Cleveland Browns fans do (and they actually kept all the history, statistics, championships and retired numbers, even though the 2nd version of the franchise kind of blows). Is it because hockey fans here are placated with another team that's just like the first? Is it because we Minnesotans are docile pushovers by nature? Either case is terrible and pathetic. Where's our anger? The move doesn't get less wrong as it recedes further into the past.

I say this because the Wild beat the Bastard North Stars tonight. (It was a rare good night for local teams; the Timberwolves and Twins all won, too!) And yet when I read the recaps of the game, none of them, not one article, didn't even slip in the fact that the Wild beat The Team That Was Stolen From Us. I read this and this and this, and none of them made even a mention. It was as if this was another team. WHICH IT ISN'T.

I'm glad we beat those motherfuckers. I'm glad they're doing worse than we are. I hope that entire fucking franchise goes under so we can buy back all the North Stars intellectual property at garage sale prices. But people here want to "move on" and cheer on the Wild because they're our team now. You people don't give a shit about the past? The North Stars are our history, those Dallas sons-of-bitches have it, and you're OK with that because you have shiny new team, a team that's never been good, had one fluky playoff run, won't make the playoff this year (they won't and you know it) and is about to lose the first player they ever drafted? You're gonna ditch the North Stars for all eternity for that?

Why am I the only one who cares about this?

I was going to talk about passing out this evening, but goddammit, the Team That Should Still Be Here always pisses me off like this.

Poor Bastard Of The Moment: Lazar Hayward

As I said on my previous post, this year's college basketball tournament has got to go down as one of the worst and most boring in history. Not to say that there weren't close games. How can you not have a few if you're playing 63 games? The ones off the top of my head include Oklahoma State-Tennessee, Siena-Ohio State (I saw those two after the games at the Dome wrapped up Friday night on the TV screens in the concourse; thank Buddha the ushers let us stay till the end), Gonzaga-Western Kentucky, and Villanova-Pittsburgh. However, even though they were great games all tight down the finish, they weren't buzzer-beaters, games where the final shot is in the air or hanging on the rim as the horn sounds. (A buzzer-beater is the end of the Division II basketball championship, and I'll say that that shot alone makes their tournament a much better one than the Division I tourney.)

You need four things to make a great tournament: Great players (not necessarily teams, just players), close games, Cinderella squads, and buzzer-beaters. If you don't count Arizona, a 12-seed, making it to the Sweet 16 (and I do, even though I understand the reasons why others don't), you are missing the last two ingredients, and so Big Dance '09 lacks a lot more than others. But if there was one indelible moment I will remember from this tournament is the spectacular brainfart committed by Marquette junior forward Lazar Hayward in the Golden Eagles' second-round game against Missouri. I'll assume you guys know what happened, but for those who don't, look at the video; the offense occurs at about 2:09:



I understand that in the heat of the game, when you need to get the ball in to make the shot that'll prevent the end of your season, mistakes happen. But shit, stepping on the inbounds line as you're trying to throw in the ball?

Poor bastard. Hope he gets a chance to redeem himself next year.

I'm Vaguely Disgusted With This Year's College Basketball Tournament

I turned it off and fell asleep at halftime. Many reasons: There was obviously no way Michigan State was coming back; I also saw the Twins lose their season opener at home, a bad sign of things to come; I thought the Spartans were going to make a game of it; and I kind of was rooting for the underdog to win.

But I guess what most compelled me to turn off the end to the Greatest Three Weeks In American Sport, what I believe to be the best sporting event in the country every year, is that in retrospect, North Carolina was going to win the title and I now feel I should've known that. I love playing the brackets every year, and the fact that this was by far my worst performance in years -- I had Memphis beating Gonzaga in the final, with Duke and Louisville comprising the rest of the Final Four -- if not ever left me no personal or financial stake in the matter. (Once again, thank you, Ken Pomeroy!)

Now, since I'm a fan of college basketball I should get into the tournament just as a fan. That it was a blowout probably contributed to me just turning the fucking thing off. But I have to admit something: Even though we're talking about the best battling the best, my interest in the Big Dance diminishes as it goes on because there are less games. Sure, if they're compelling (like last year's was, with Chalmers[?]) they're great. But remember the first Thursday of the tournament? You played hooky -- or in my case you woke up early to go to Hooters -- to bear witness to yet another yearly installment of the Big Dance. It comes around every spring, and it coincides around the time of my birthday, so it truly feels like the weather here in Minnesota, and I, am reborn every year. Seriously. I feel that the Tournament is something not just special, but sacred to the country. Seriously!

Not to blaspheme, but the odds are greater that that excitement will fall and even end because not only does the excitement of a new tournament wear off each round, but the freneticism of the first two days (both during the workday) are gone, replaced by fewer games to divert your attention and less of a chance that you're going to see a buzzer-beater. (And by the way, the fact that there weren't any buzzer-beaters is another reason why this year's tourney will go down as one of the most boring in history.) And by the end, on a Monday night (and is it played at 8:30 in the evening local? That means the game tonight started at 9:30 Detroit time, which means that, I'm guessing, half of the 88% of the people of Michigan who went to see the game still had jobs and thus thought "fuck it" and left to get a good night's sleep. Move up the fuckin' time already!) we had one game we were hoping that the home team would be competitive, and since they weren't, we were left groping for alternatives and finding none. Boring end to a boring tournament, sad to say. I couldn't bring myself to stick around and care.

Oh, and by the way, "One Shining Moment" is so overrated.

The Women In My Life

• This morning I woke up at 9, saw my mom wasn't stirring yet, so I fell back into my bed. My Grandmother cracked open my open door and said I should help wipe the snow off the minivan. I waved her off: "Later, I'll do it later." I really would've done it if my Mother wanted me to start the car for her. But while I was getting ready she went out and warmed up the car, so she wiped off the snow. And since it's April and the sun did shine for a bit, all the snow on top of the minvan melted by the afternoon.
• Late tonight, my sister called home. My mom talked to her first downstairs, but I took the upstairs phone and waited in my room. I can hear my Mother when she shouts up from her room, and I heard her tell me it's my turn to talk to my sister. So I turn on the phone and talk to her. But my Grandmother, being all obvious and overreactive again, starts to shout down to my hallway, repeatedly. When my parents ask for me or tell me to do something, many times my Grandmother will repeat what they say, and that always pisses me off, especially if we're all the dinner table together and my Grandmother can see that I've heard them. This time I can just see her get up from watching her Vietnamese movies in her room and immediately shout for me, like an obnoxious Siren on the rocks, and slowly walk my way just in case I didn't hear my Mother. But I usually do, and I did in this case, and I wanted my Grandmother to pipe down, so I interrupted my conversation with my sister, left my room and just yelled my Grandmother's way: "I already heard her!!!" We met at the end of my hallway just when I finished bellowing "her!!!" And she just walked away, like she was saying it's all good, either because she's really cool with me yelling at her or she's senile.
• I've even had run-ins with my Mother today, even though they've been minor. The big thing was oversleeping when I was supposed to make my KFC run tonight. I said I'd leave at 5:30, but because I was so gosh-darn tired she had to wake me up at 7. And she yelled at me to finish my dinner plate because she was about done cleaning up. (I'm a slow eater.) I didn't appreciate that, but I was kind of an ass tonight, too. Just before midnight I went downstairs and opened up the closet just outside the master bed to grab some shampoo. When I opened the door something banged against its inside. My mom's a pretty sound sleeper, but that probably woke her up. And I should stop presuming that she'll sleep through anything and abuse the wide personal space she deserves when she's sleeping. And I also feel bad for sleeping through the dinner time I promised.

Yelled At My Grandmother This Morning

Was working with my Mother for my Father while he's away. She runs off to do some shopping at some early bird specials so I fall back asleep. She opens my door about an hour and 45 minutes later asking me if I'm going with her or not. I get up, piss, get changed, grab my things and leave, all in a quick huff and with dazed eyes.

Meanwhile, we have a TV (sitting on a rolling stand) we watch while eating dinner in the dining room. It's kind of in an awkward spot: the threshold that separates the dining and living rooms. Moreover, the antenna and its two VHF antennae block the way. If you don't see it, you could run into it. I didn't see it this morning, so the damn antenna whips me on the head. Partly because I thought it could handle it but partly in anger, I push the antenna aside with my arm, but since I'm bigger than the poor, poor antenna, I knock the whole damn thing off the pedestal and onto its side on the ground.

My grandmother is at the dining table. This is not the best time for her to state the obvious like she always does. Yet she says: "Well, pick it up! Why did you push it over for?"

So I says: "You think I was just gonna fuckin' leave it there?"

She gets up and tells me to go to the minivan, where my mom's waiting. She picked it up.

Why do you have to say anything? And why do you have to joke around when I'm not in the mood for you to be joking around, or to hear you say anything?

I Owe Almost Two Grand In Taxes

Ever since I paid up my college student loans, I've owed. I had to pay big-time last year, too. The culprit is unemployment, of which I don't pay withholding for.

They say that writing a check to the government this time of year is good; it means you made money. I believe in the contrapositive to get me through: If you get a refund, that means you lent the government a loan at no interest. In this case, you got all this extra money that ain't yours to make money off of. Yeah, I'll go with that.

Maybe I should go to a tax preparer, just in case. Don't see what I could do to prevent writing such a big-ass check, though. I'm bummed.

I'm In A Very Angry Mood Tonight

I keep having dreams of yelling at my Father, but he's been OK with me tonight.

I remember you, loud tall white dude with the University of Illinois hat. Sitting down in the chair right next to me at Barnes & Noble this afternoon with a loud "fwhomp!" to let everyone know you just plopped your ass down! Oh, you must've been pissed about something, with the way you noisily turned the pages in the fantasy baseball magazine you were sneak-reading. And when you were done, you acted the gentleman, put the mag on the coffee table and got up as quickly as you sat down. You got up so fast it was like you had hydraulic legs raise you up instead of using your knees, arms and torso to free you from the angry chair! And since you didn't even take your lame-ass jacket off, you had no reason to say and chit-chat with us dirty peons. No, I saw you dart and slalom your way through the aisles to the front door, as if you totally forgot your fantasy baseball research.

And when a sweet, nice woman came five minutes later to sit in the seat your ass occupied, I noticed you left her a special gift on the chair: A balled-up used napkin! Just for her?! Why, you don't even know her! What a sweet, conscientious asshole you are!

Just went to my favorite strip club. Three of my ATF's were there. Could only get lapdances from two of them. Who to choose?

Not one of them got a dance from another guy, so the choice wasn't made for me, dammit.

So I got dances from none of them. I just left with money in my wallet.

I wonder if any of them will get any dances tonight. I just figure that I won't be the one deciding who's going to get the better night.

Guess that's the best way for me to keep balance in the world.

I'm going to hell.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Positive Numbers: Minnesota State-Mankato women's basketball (New!). Congratulations to the Mavericks, who beat Franklin Pierce to win the Division II National Championship. It was a very impressive season for the Lady Mavs, which one the first b-ball title in program history. They finished with a record of 32-2, and both losses were in overtime. What may be more impressive is that their coach, Pam Gohl, is technically an interim head coach. The woman she replaced, Lori Fish, got the same job at St. Cloud State. She feels pretty stupid now, huh? Meanwhile, Gohl should get fuckin' paid for what she did, and for getting the Division II Coach Of The Year Award too. Tournament MVP and high scorer of the game was Heather Johnson, with 29 points. Check out her bio: Not a bad looker! Again, congrats for showing the big school in the state how to actually fucking win!

#-1: Gopher baseball (Last Week: 0). When a small regional school wins a championsip, you're pretty far down any list regardless. But even record-wise there are the Lady Mavs ... and then there's every other Twin Cities sports team. The Gopher ballers split with Indiana over the weekend; like most series in college baseball, one game (in this case the finale on Sunday) was rained out and cancelled. Much more awful was Wednesday's loss to Northern Iowa at the Metrodome because they pissed away a 6-1 lead in the sixth inning and lost 9-7. And yet somehow they remained ranked at #25 for the third week in a row -- even though they got jumped in the polls by Ohio State -- so that's the reason they rank above all the others in this pile of suckitude. They commence with the home portion of their Big 10 schedule with three against Ohio State -- and since these will also be at the Dome, there will be no rainouts.

#-2: Wild (Last Week: -1). The only salvation for the Wild apologists: In the NHL, no one's really ever out of the playoff chase. Breathe in, breathe out. Hold onto to that, ass-kissers, because every other Wild fan who actually thinks thinks these guys are done. A 1-2 record is nothing but bad news for a team that needs to climb over three others to just make the playoffs. One of those losses was a not-a-loss overtime loss to Vancouver Tuesday, the main question coming out of that being the benching of Marian Gaborik on the 4-on-3 Wild power play that began overtime. He definitely should've been on the ice -- he's been on fire ever since he's been able to, you know, contribute to the team -- but I blame Niklas Backstrom for allowing the easy game-winning slapshot by Henrik Sedin more than anyone. It's over for the Wild, and there should be some serious scrutiny over what I've heard called on sports-talk radio here "The Ultimate Build Job." But just in case, this week they play thrice: Friday they host Calgary, Sunday afternoon they visit Detroit in a game broadcast nationally on NBC; and on Tuesday they host the Bastard North Stars. If you're not going to make the playoffs, Jacques Lemaire, then do me a favor: Get Derek Boogaard to beat the shit out of those Dallas thieves, please?

#-3: Timberwolves (Last Week: -3). It's not like there's been a great time out there to take the home page of all the sports website on the Internet (although I guess Tubby's Gophers men's basketball team was kind of close), but has there been any news about the Woofie Dogs since Big Al was shut down for the season? Not that I think there should, but it's really as if this was 1988 and there was no NBA franchise here, and it's eerie. So, for those of you who don't know, these guys also went 1-2. Embarrassing blowout losses at Cleveland and home to Dallas were sandwiched around a win against New Jersey. In an effort to get this season done as quickly as possible, the Wolves have four games on tap this week, even though only one (Denver Sunday evening) is at home.

Let me add this, in case I haven't said this in a previous survey: This is possibly the worst draft in decades. There is Blake Griffin, and then there's everybody else. (MSU-Mankato:Blake Griffin::everybody else available in this year's NBA Draft:everybody else on this week's Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey.) Unless you get the first pick, Fred Hoiberg -- and knowing this franchise's damned luck when it comes to the lottery -- trade the goddamn thing. It ain't worth it.

#-4: Swarm (Last Week: -2). Unlike the three losers ranked ahead of them, the local lacrosse team did not go 1-2 for the week. No, they lost their only game this week, 13-10 at home versus Calgary Saturday, so they bring up the rear this week. Thankfully, they are still clinging onto the fourth playoff spot in the West Division (assuming the top four teams in each divison do make the playoffs, and I could be wrong). It's a pivotal week for them; they are playing the two teams hunting them down for that spot. They visit San Jose, which is only a half-game behind, Friday night, and then host Edmonton, which is a full game behind, at the X Saturday night.