My Shrink Is Losing It

OK, I am still going to speak with my therapist -- and it's been a while, so I'll speak with him again soon -- but I have to admit that I haven't been happy with him lately.  I need to talk to someone about my day and my anxieties.  But, and you may have already realized this when I've blog posted about him before, when it comes to fixing my problems, or even providing insight into what I'm going through and how I'm feeling, he has not provided anything of worth in a while.  Hate to say it, but I haven't felt as though he's been helping me for, eesh, many, many months.

In fact, this previous session, which was maybe a few weeks ago, was stranger and more ... hate to use this word, but pointless than any other call or session I've had with him before.  I'll say this about myself: As boring as my life is now, I don't have too much to be angry about.  I guess my country being overtaken by dictators and white supremacists is something that is absolutely enraging me, but I didn't talk about that with him.  Instead, I brought up typical topics about work, about family, etc.  This was around the time my co-worker decided to retire, so I talked to him about how I was struggling at work without her.  My psychologist suggested that I go see her.  I don't think I even offered a thought that I would want to see her beyond work, but I told him that I thought it was inappropriate.  And then he asked, "Is she cute?"

The hell??  She cute??  I said nothing about her appearance.  I don't give a damn about her appearance.  I've never been attracted to her because that also is inappropriate, and besides, I'm at work, and I won't think of anyone at work attractive because I'm at work.  (OK, there were a couple women there that are very attractive, but I think they've left the company because I haven't seen either in months, but anyway ...)  I don't know why he asked that question.  I guess I have told him so much about my sexual exploits with strippers that he put my ex-co-worker in that box.

I need to say this: For the past couple years, he has said, more and more, that he thinks of our calls less as sessions and more like ... well, "calls," like between friends.  I want to be friendly, but really, I still think of him as my psychotherapist.  That's what I need him as, even if my life is relatively stable and happy.  I am getting the feeling that he needs to hear from me more than the other way around, and that too is not appropriate.  Moreover, I have gotten the feeling that he likes it when I talk about the times I get down with my stripper girlfriends.  In fact, that's the only reason, I think, he asked me if my ex-co-worker was cute.  He's an old guy, so I guess he is also bored, but -- come on, man, what's your deal?  And also, ew.

I didn't say any of that to him.  I don't remember exactly what I said, but I think I snapped a bit when he asked me whether she was cute -- maybe not, "That's not the point!" but "No.  No!"  And I'm still in dis belief that asked that question.  It has made me think about not speaking to him anymore, I won't lie.  Guess I will because ... well, I don't know if he's charging me money for these sessions.  I don't think my health insurance is paying for this.  So, as long as it's free, I'll talk to him ... for now.