My Parents Are Too Happy

Maybe it's because of the hellacious snowstorm we went through today. May it was because I saw Sam's Wine Shop close and clean out its store and Cheapo not open till midnight during my Lone Wolf Sojourn last night. But a funny thing occurred to me last night when my parents were in a good mood again: Are my parents about to close our store?

I fight with them a lot, but I'm most proud of them for doing two things I don't think I have the courage to do: Immigrate to the United States and start their own (successful) business. It's stressful work, the latter, but the upside to me is that they are their own bosses (well, they do have to listen to their customers, but that doesn't reallyh count). They have made their own way through this world, and they dragged three children through college with their store. That is an accomplishment.

But being the worrywarts that they are, they have complained for a long time how bad business is. To this day I have no idea if they're telling the truth, or how much of it is the truth. And they keep wanting to retire, they've said for years they've wanted to retire. But I've been seeing signs that trouble me. For the past, oh, half-decade, for example, that they've been getting home at a regular time, like 5 or 6; when I was really young, they would sometimes stay at the store till 7 or even 8, it was so busy. Also, my parents have taken frequent trips to Las Vegas. They love to go to Vegas. And finally, my father has started branching off into real estate since the country's economy has gone to shit the last couple of years.

These circumstances have been around for awhile, so maybe there isn't anything imminent, although the economy appears to be nothing most of us on earth has ever experienced. I don't know, I guess I just thought that with a late-February snowstorm, I'd expect them, in particular my father, to come home pissed off. He wasn't. It's like they say with people who have made the decision to commit suicide: They are very emotional, disruptive, prone to fits of anger and unconsolable, but then they are calm, almost serene -- and then they kill themselves. Does the same fate befit the store, the vehicle that has allowed me and this family to enjoy our American Dream? I hated working there when I was young, but I couldn't bear to see it die, especially in this economic climate, even though I wouldn't know the first thing about how to run a business.

Maybe I'm just depressed over the snowstorm.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

We introduce the Gophers baseball team, which started play last weekend. Maybe they'll be able to add some wins to this area's total. Lord knows we need it.

#0: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -1). With two more wins against St. Cloud State they win the regular season. And with UMD, archrival and team that I saw beat the Gopher ladies at Ridder in my only game in person, losing a spot to 4th in the weekly rankings, I'll give these girls a bump up to nothing. The accolades keep coming; this time, goalie Alyssa Grogan was named WCHA Defensive Player Of The Week. The playoffs begin this weekend with Bemidji State at the U., best-two-out-of-three. I'll say it again; if you want a winner in this town, the Gopher women's hockey team will have to do.

#-1: Gopher baseball (New!). Since it's too goddamn cold up here, they once again start on the road in a much sunnier place: Florida. But the circumstances are new; aping what basketball does, they and most of their conference opponents played in the inaugural Big Ten/Big East Challenge, where the Gophs began their season with a 2-1 road trip. (It's a good thing these two BCS conferences are banding together; note that when it comes to college baseball, these leagues are mid-majors at best.) They host Hawai'i twice: tonight and then Sunday, as part of this weekend's Dairy Queen Classic, which is in its 25th year. (I will be there Saturday evening when they play Washington.) This team is expected to suck this year, however. Last year was the first time in Manager John Anderson's 27 years here he had a losing season, and most predictions say he'll repeat that feat. The best this squad has to offer are OF(/WR!) Eric Decker, OF Matt Nohelty, and SP Scott Matyas.

#-2: Wild (Last Week: -8). I should call their week two wins and two losses, but one loss (to Los Angeles) was via shootout where you get a point you really shouldn't get, and the other (to Calgary) was in overtime on a goal that deflected off Brent Burns. Two asides: a) that the losses happened on games being aired on free TV (when I could watch it) doesn't help; and b) that kind of lucky shot is symptomatic of why hockey is the Shemp of the Major Sports, namely, it's hard to analyze the sport when goals are scored by chance. The state of the NHL is such that a thoroughly mediocre team still can beat Detroit at home and then beat a rising Chicago team on the road the night after. But the end of their season is coming: They're leaving town to make way for the high school hockey tournaments, they embark on a six-game road trip, and they only have seven home games left. Also, the trading deadline is on Wednesday; says here they should still trade Backstrom and Gaborik, preferably together.

#-3: Wrestling (Last Week: -7). It's a sad state of affairs for TWMSS when the fourth-best team is a former superpower that has fallen from grace and expects to get their asses kicked by the current superpower (Iowa State) -- and does. The only bright spot this past weekend's 1-1 record is that 133-lb.'er Jayson Ness pinned his 51st opponent in his college career during their victory over Indiana on Sunday, tying a school record. They have next week off. The week after is the conference championships at Penn State.

#-4: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -4). These guys are still projected to make the tournament, but damn if they're trying to get out of it. They crushed Northwestern at home, but who cares when you flop at fellow Bubbler Michigan? They have two very pivotal contests this week: tonight at Illinois, then have just about a week before they host Wisconsin.

#-5: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -2). I have given up on this team. Any belief they can make this season meaningful was lost in a weekend sweep at Colorado College. But no lack of backchecking or defensive lapses or breakaways allowed was the reason this time. This time, they just got beat by a better team. UMD comes to town for two this weekend, and I think these guys are better than the Gophs too.

#-6: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -5). They only lost once, but they are ranked lower than the men's hockey team because they lost a gimme at Northwestern, the worst team in the Big 10. Pretty soon they'll be giving that title to the Gophers. What exactly has Pam Borton done since inheriting Brenda Oldfield/Frese's recruits? Driving away the state's blue-chippers to the point of making them cry and quitting the sport? Whatever, I don't think I'll go to your games anymore. They finish their season visiting Michigan State and hosting Illinois.

#-7: Timberwolves (Last Week: -3). As expected, they lost every single fucking game this week. Most embarrassing was a collapse at Toronto. The Woofie Dogs have now lost four in a row, 9-of-10 and 12-of-14. Now that's the team we've grown to hate. They "stand their ground" this week: vs. Portland, Houston and Golden State.

#-8: Swarm (Last Week: -6). Swept away last weekend. For a fledgling team in a fledgling league, this is not the way to save your business from failure. I could flip-flop these guys and the Wolves, but they've lost five in a row and haven't won the past 30 days. God, this team blows. And I wanted to go to your games too. If you guys keep going like this, I'll stay home and touch my pee-pee instead. They continue their Bataan Death March this weekend.

I sent my Playboys to be signed by one of the "Girls of the Big 10." I got her P.O. Box, tee-hee! It was my second attempt; the first time I mistakenly added her name to the sending address, and I guess when sending something to a P.O. Box you should leave names out of it. Anyway, this time she e-mailed me (I have her e-mail address too, double tee-hee!!) and said she got it and would send it back shortly.

I still live with my parents. I blame them for turning me onto porn, but I don't want them to know that I read porn and buy Playboy's college issues and hunt for the e-mail addresses and MySpace pages of the girls who get bare-ass naked. But when I decided to go out tonight and watch some college basketball games at Hooters and maybe take a shot at seeing the Wolves game for five bucks (see previous post on how that went), I totally forgot about the package of magazines. This morning, I remembered that today could be the day that the mags come back, and I reminded myself to call my grandmother in the late afternoon and ask her if any big envelope came addressed to me.

I had "work" this afternoon and I didn't want to drive during evening rush on my downtown, so I went to the U.'s student union and proceeded to pass out for about an hour -- just the time when I should've called my grandmother about the package. By the time I awoke, it was 5 o'clock; my parents could've been home by then. Maybe I was being paranoid. After all, today is the only day where I wouldn't be there to get the mail before my parents do. What's the chance it'd come?

Uh, 100%? I came home at 12:30 and I see, on the sill where we keep all the new mail, the self-addressed stamped envelope I sent with the mags. Fuck! Did my parents see? I look around the edge of the package. There is one tear where the flap is. Did they make this tear? What can you see inside it? I jostle the contents of the package to see what's the most they can see through this hole. Answer: Not much. Thank Buddha she threw in a small car show summer festival guide to cover up the front cover (and "Playboy"). I don't think there was enough space to flex out that small guide and flex back all the other contents to see for certain what else was in there, unless my parents really wanted to spend a lot of time flipping the package around and peering through the hole without tearing the damn thing open and completely undermining their son's trust.

I don't think they saw anything. I really hope they just looked at the package without a second thought. But if tomorrow they ask me, "You got a package yesterday. What was it?" I have an answer I prepared for an hour tonight to back up. I'm going to tell them that a hot woman I met online wanted me to send her an old book on astrology, and the package is her sending those books back.

I hope they don't ask me about the package.

Went Downtown Tonight ...

And I walked past Target Center. I was planning on just hanging out by myself at Hooters and watch college basketball games all night, but I just wanted to say if I can get a dirt-cheap ticket. I still have a college ID, and Wednesday/College Night Timberwolves games are $10; if I can get one for $5, I'll go, even if they were gonna lose (and they did).

I finally got the attention of one guy:

"I got lower-level tickets!"

"Whoa, sorry, too expensive." (start walking away)

"Well, what do you want to pay?"

"Look, I'm a college student, and..."

"WHAT DO YOU WANT TO PAY?"

(sigh) "$5"

And this motherfucker walks away from me.

I had to chase this guy down: "Of course I was gonna walk away!" I should've hit him.

Asshole. Fucking asshole.

College Baskeball Bubble Watch/Tournament Bracket Prognostication Websites

This is a compendium mostly for my benefit, mostly to think about whether I want to put it in my "Favorite Blogs" column to the left:

I have to start with March Madness All Season (http://www.collegehoopsnet.com/blog/marchmadness/) because I'm copping its links column down below. Some of them are dedicated to a school or conference, so I ignore them. There also are several sites that have not been updated for some time, so I leaving them out.

ESPN: http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/bracketology

Sports Illustrated: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/writers/andy_glockner/02/23/bracket/index.html?eref=T1&eref=T1

Sabrematrician Ken Pomeroy's proprietary statistics (if you want to know which teams will reach the third weekend, which teams will surprise and which will flop, use this chart): http://kenpom.com/rate.php

Basketball Prospectus (great analysis on stats similar to Pomeroy's): http://basketballprospectus.com/

Bracketography: http://www.bracketography.com/

NCAA Hoops Today: http://ncaahoopstoday.blogspot.com/

Bracketology 101: http://bracketology101.blogspot.com/

Vegas Watch (synthesizes "sabrematrized" stats with betting odds on Internet sportsbooks): http://vegaswatch.net/

Rush The Court: http://rushthecourt.net/

The Bracket Board: http://thebracketboard.com/

The Bracket Project: http://bracketproject.50webs.com/ and, in what is, to me, like the Golden Age of Penthouse (during the mid-to-late '90's, when they finally showed oral, penetration and even golden showers) for brackets, a compendium of tournament predictions called The Bracket Matrix: http://bracketproject.50webs.com/matrix.htm.

Yet Another Basketball Blog: http://yetanotherbasketblog.blogspot.com/

My 69th Post For This Blog Will Not Be A Perverted One

It will be about employment. I have good news and bad news.

The bad news is there was an anxiety study backed by Pfizer that I decided I was enthusiastic to participate in. But today I was told that they're ending the study, either due to the lack of funding or ineffectiveness. Too bad -- I needed the money, and if I wasn't given the placebo I might have been taking a pill that would help me find a job, and get paid while doing it, too.

The good news? I overreacted on the hearing test thing I've been participating in for years now. They still have trials and conditions for me to go through, they just didn't have time that point a few weeks ago where I thought my job with them was ending. So I'll at least be able to make some walking-around money.

So I'm Wankin' My Dick To The SI Swimsuit Issue...

And I have to admit that through one "run-through" I'm disappointed. There are many reasons for this. I think last year was one of their better efforts: Marisa Miller became an SI Swimsuit Hall Of Famer with her performance, and they got strong bench support from the surprisingly sexy Danica Patrick (I didn't think she would have a good swimsuit body) and NFL cheerleaders. This year, although the NBA cheerleaders were just as spank-worthy, there was only one Patrick shot as far as I can see, and worse yet, Miller was nowhere to be found. Why? Did she move on to bigger and better things, or was she forced out?

I liken the girls in this issue to, say, the Florida Marlins: Few vets and many rookies who may have potential, but will have to spend a season (in this case, this issue) learning the ropes. They are all too indistinguishable now, but I'll give them a year and maybe their bosoms will blossom. Brooklyn Decker seems to be riping fine, but the other big gun, cover girl Bar Refaeli, didn't get me hard. That's probably due to her defensive interview on Late Show With David Letterman, where she wouldn't talk about boyfriend Leonardo DiCaprio even once. Babe, I know that's private, but you chose to work in a very public arena, so at least try and be classy when refusing to answer the questions, please? Sheesh.

But do you know the real surprise in this issue? Daniella Sarahyba! The Brazilian's got long dark hair, tan skin and a great smile that was the best part of every one of her shots. And her last shot, the two-pager of her lying on top of a balcony wall with her back arched her ass-in-a-thong in the air and her top untied? That's where I shot.

The three tennis players in the end were pretty good as well; they're not model-hot, but the big reason I don't like this is because I wanted to see more pictures of them. Tatiana Golovin is the hottest of the three only because in one shot she is posing with her hands in front of her tits. Maybe one day she'll follow down Ashley Harkleroad!

We Are Loserville, USA

I forgot the pathetic display by local teams last night -- Wild, Gopher men's and women's basketball teams all lose. God, we suck.

No Shit

That's why we like seeing bikini-clad women.

The two quotes I want to pull:

"The suggestion might be that there's some hard-wiring there that can
interfere with the average man's ability to interact on deeper levels with
really hot looking stranger women in bikinis," [Dr. Charles Raison, a
psychiatrist not affiliated with any of the studies cited in the
article] said.

Like I said, no shit.

Another avenue to explore would be showing images of men's wives and girlfriends
in bikinis, Raison said. He predicts the objectifying effect would not happen in
this context.

Uh, I'll have to disagree with the good doctor on that one. I'd jerk off to some guy's chick if she's hot and in a swimsuit.

Which reminds me ... mental note: Plan on jerking off to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue tomorrow night, well after my parents and grandmother are sleeping.

My family sent in some LLC forms but we haven't heard back on its status. I called today and was told the application was sent back because it was incomplete -- I didn't put down the words "LLC," for fuck's sake. Coincidentally, and this seems to happen more often than I think it should, my father got a fax of that application and asked/told me to do it again.

My father was kind of riding me on getting it done. I had a self-defense class to go to at 7, but I thought I had time and so I went through it before I left a little after 6:30, which is a little late. Possibly because I was running late, possibly due to some subconscious anger over my father yelling at me, I throw the app in front of him on the dining room table. He starts to scream as I get the recyclables out from the back deck to be put on the curb for morning pickup -- "Why didn't you put 'LLC' on in the first place? Which of these papers do I have to send back? What is this initial list of managers you didn't fill out? What's the address?" And I have to say that I didn't yell or complain or whine, I sternly told and ordered and did things for my father -- not too calmly, but not overreacting so that my father would have a reason to escalate a fight. I left late, but got to my class on time. I got back at 1:30.

Now I'm worried that he'll passive-aggressively get back at me for "disrespecting" him. I kind of did, but if I did, it was for shit he's done to me ... in the past. Maybe I learned my passive-aggressiveness from him. For now, my comeback is, "What, you have a problem with how I acted to you last night? Why, are you mad?"