We introduce the Gophers baseball team, which started play last weekend. Maybe they'll be able to add some wins to this area's total. Lord knows we need it.
#0: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -1). With two more wins against St. Cloud State they win the regular season. And with UMD, archrival and team that I saw beat the Gopher ladies at Ridder in my only game in person, losing a spot to 4th in the weekly rankings, I'll give these girls a bump up to nothing. The accolades keep coming; this time, goalie Alyssa Grogan was named WCHA Defensive Player Of The Week. The playoffs begin this weekend with Bemidji State at the U., best-two-out-of-three. I'll say it again; if you want a winner in this town, the Gopher women's hockey team will have to do.
#-1: Gopher baseball (New!). Since it's too goddamn cold up here, they once again start on the road in a much sunnier place: Florida. But the circumstances are new; aping what basketball does, they and most of their conference opponents played in the inaugural Big Ten/Big East Challenge, where the Gophs began their season with a 2-1 road trip. (It's a good thing these two BCS conferences are banding together; note that when it comes to college baseball, these leagues are mid-majors at best.) They host Hawai'i twice: tonight and then Sunday, as part of this weekend's Dairy Queen Classic, which is in its 25th year. (I will be there Saturday evening when they play Washington.) This team is expected to suck this year, however. Last year was the first time in Manager John Anderson's 27 years here he had a losing season, and most predictions say he'll repeat that feat. The best this squad has to offer are OF(/WR!) Eric Decker, OF Matt Nohelty, and SP Scott Matyas.
#-2: Wild (Last Week: -8). I should call their week two wins and two losses, but one loss (to Los Angeles) was via shootout where you get a point you really shouldn't get, and the other (to Calgary) was in overtime on a goal that deflected off Brent Burns. Two asides: a) that the losses happened on games being aired on free TV (when I could watch it) doesn't help; and b) that kind of lucky shot is symptomatic of why hockey is the Shemp of the Major Sports, namely, it's hard to analyze the sport when goals are scored by chance. The state of the NHL is such that a thoroughly mediocre team still can beat Detroit at home and then beat a rising Chicago team on the road the night after. But the end of their season is coming: They're leaving town to make way for the high school hockey tournaments, they embark on a six-game road trip, and they only have seven home games left. Also, the trading deadline is on Wednesday; says here they should still trade Backstrom and Gaborik, preferably together.
#-3: Wrestling (Last Week: -7). It's a sad state of affairs for TWMSS when the fourth-best team is a former superpower that has fallen from grace and expects to get their asses kicked by the current superpower (Iowa State) -- and does. The only bright spot this past weekend's 1-1 record is that 133-lb.'er Jayson Ness pinned his 51st opponent in his college career during their victory over Indiana on Sunday, tying a school record. They have next week off. The week after is the conference championships at Penn State.
#-4: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -4). These guys are still projected to make the tournament, but damn if they're trying to get out of it. They crushed Northwestern at home, but who cares when you flop at fellow Bubbler Michigan? They have two very pivotal contests this week: tonight at Illinois, then have just about a week before they host Wisconsin.
#-5: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -2). I have given up on this team. Any belief they can make this season meaningful was lost in a weekend sweep at Colorado College. But no lack of backchecking or defensive lapses or breakaways allowed was the reason this time. This time, they just got beat by a better team. UMD comes to town for two this weekend, and I think these guys are better than the Gophs too.
#-6: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -5). They only lost once, but they are ranked lower than the men's hockey team because they lost a gimme at Northwestern, the worst team in the Big 10. Pretty soon they'll be giving that title to the Gophers. What exactly has Pam Borton done since inheriting Brenda Oldfield/Frese's recruits? Driving away the state's blue-chippers to the point of making them cry and quitting the sport? Whatever, I don't think I'll go to your games anymore. They finish their season visiting Michigan State and hosting Illinois.
#-7: Timberwolves (Last Week: -3). As expected, they lost every single fucking game this week. Most embarrassing was a collapse at Toronto. The Woofie Dogs have now lost four in a row, 9-of-10 and 12-of-14. Now that's the team we've grown to hate. They "stand their ground" this week: vs. Portland, Houston and Golden State.
#-8: Swarm (Last Week: -6). Swept away last weekend. For a fledgling team in a fledgling league, this is not the way to save your business from failure. I could flip-flop these guys and the Wolves, but they've lost five in a row and haven't won the past 30 days. God, this team blows. And I wanted to go to your games too. If you guys keep going like this, I'll stay home and touch my pee-pee instead. They continue their Bataan Death March this weekend.
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