#-1: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -1). Guys, in this shitty sports scene we have right now, the Gopher women's hockey team has played, by far, the best over the new year, whether you like that or not. Two more wins over North Dakota keeps them on top of the weekly rankings, and they're poised to win the WCHA regular-season championship with a home-and-home this weekend against St. Cloud State. For all the accolades the team has won, they haven't had a player win Defensive Player Of The Week honors ... till this week. Congratulations to Kelly Seeler. Now, let's see if they don't poop out come tournament time.
#-2: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -7). It is only because of the mediocre performances turned in by the teams below them that the women's hockey's worse halves are the big riser this week. Otherwise, a tie against Alaska-Anchorage at home would be enough offense to keep them closer to the bottom. That Jay Barriball earned co-Offensive Player Of The Week hosannahs does little to dispel the growing consensus that this team will be nothing more than an also-ran. Their two games at Colorado College, who is only a point ahead of them in the standings, looks close only on paper.
#-3: Timberwolves (Last Week: -8). OK, so I was wrong about them not winning another single goddamn game, I admit it. Congratulations for winning at Miami, a playoff team, with Al Jefferson! Maybe this team has talent and heart behind Big Al after all. They have four this week, the highlight being a Sunday evening game against the Bastard Minneapolis Lakers.
My thoughts on the trade: Calvin Booth's face seemed a lot older than he actually was. Rashad McCants being ushered out is definitive proof that even Kevin McHale knows he should've taken Danny Granger instead in the '05 draft. I think we traded away two humps for two humps, but at least Shelden Williams is a year younger than McCants ... and he has for a wife Candace Parker, WNBA superstar and the closest thing to a hot female basketball player we have since that Florida player posed in Playboy! Even better news: We've got Bobby Brown! Which means we get Whitney "Crack Is Whack" Houston, too! Wait a second, that's wrong. Bobby and Whitney are divorced.
#-4: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -5). One game -- a loss at Penn State, which looks a lot less embarrassing now that the Nittany Lions beat Illinois at Illinois and seem poised to get an invite to the Big Dance. The buzz, for all of Tubby Smith's magic, seems to have gone. It'll be great for the program to get back to the Tournament, but where did tenacious D go? They have two very important games this week: At fellow Bubbler Michigan tonight, at home for a gimme against Northwestern (which beat Ohio State at home) Sunday afternoon.
#-5: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -2). Normally a team that won once would be placed above a team that didn't win a single game. But when you lose at home, to a potential Tournament team, that broke your home-losing cherry for the year, you should be docked. Even the win at Michigan, important as that may have been, wasn't that great because Brittany McCoy needed to bank a three-pointer almost at the buzzer to avoid the loss. The Lady Gophs, who still are not in any tournament discussion (at least as far as I know) also have two important games. They host ranked Ohio State, a team they upset on the road earlier in the season, tonight; should I go? They then visit Northwestern Monday night.
#-6: Swarm (Last Week: -6). Treading water because they didn't play this week. (Thank Buddha.) Weird schedule and tidbits you'll only see in a fledgling sports league: After they host expansion Boston Friday night, then visit Philadelphia Saturday night -- the first of six consecutive road games ... that will complete the road portion of their schedule. Like I said, weird.
#-7: Wrestling (Last Week: -4). Well that tears it. They were going to get their asses kicked in Iowa, but to lose at Wisconsin, too? If this were a normal Gopher wrestling team, they'd beat the shit out of them. It's not like Wisconsin's a hockey school. Goes to prove that this team is a far cry from the championship squads of the past. Is it too early to start questioning the coaching of J Robinson? Mercifully, they end their regular-season schedule this week: They go to Ames to get sodomized by Iowa State and then "celebrate" the season hosting Indiana on Sunday.
#-8: Wild (Last Week: -3). 0-2 this week, the second loss at home to Ottawa, 5-3, after they were up 3-0 after the first period. That pissaway may have been the single most pathetic display of Minnesota professional hockey I've seen since the North Stars pissed down their own fucking legs in the Stanley Cup Finals to Pittsburgh. How do you let that happen and expect to make the playoffs? Right now they're sitting on the outside looking in, and I don't know why they don't just trade Niklas Backstrom and Marian Gaborik now and say fuck this. They get a chance to embarrass themselves four more times this week before their schedule goes road-heavy the rest of the way.
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