While in wonder of the hotel room in Toronto we were given for free, I stumbled upon something in the bathroom. This is Canada, so they were once a territory of the British Empire, which is European, so at the end, across from the toilet, there was a bidet.
It may have been the first time I ever had a bidet in a hotel room I had. If it wasn't, it had been in one when I was vacationing either in Europe or Asia, a long, long time ago. And I know I didn't use it then.
So I'm looking at this thing to see how it works. I know that it's supposed to clean your, um, undercarriage. But I was too scared to use when I first saw it (if I ever had indeed seen such a thing before), even though (just between you and me) its very purpose turned me on. Well, seeing as I just got through quite possibly the worst travel-related disaster in my life and I didn't know if I'd ever encounter a bidet again, I decided that I would try it after I shower.
In case you've never seen one and don't want to Google an image of it, it looks like a toilet except there is no lid, no tank and no seat, and the bowl is flatter and more shallow. There's a drain right in the middle of it, and at the back there are two dials, one for hot and one for cold.
So after cleaning my naked self, I mosey on over to the bidet. I turn it on. At the bottom of the bowl are two things, a drain plug and a cylinder with holes in it. That cylinder started shooting out water. I guess that's where I put myself. But there's no seat, which shocks me. It reminded me of the time I really needed to take a shit in a Chicago Metra train, and I was trying to find a seat but there wasn't one, but I had to go so fucking bad that I just sat and once I was done I saw the seat was just lifted up. (BTW, never see feces that's not immersed in water. Jus' sayin'.)
As I was trying to figure out what else there is to know, the water started to either overflow from the top or seep through the bottom. I don't know whether I concluded that the drain would fix that. The drain was closed and there wasn't water flowing in. I needed to do something, but I hesitated sticking my hand in the bowl and lifting up the plug because ... it's like you're reaching into a toilet bowl. I know it's not, but you never know if someone who was in the room before me mistook the bidet for a toilet ... or screwed around and used the bidet as a toilet. It's weird.
But the water wasn't going anywhere, so I sucked it up and yanked out the plug a little bit. The water was still coming in faster than it was going out, so I turned down the water. But then the water wasn't gushing out above the level of the bowl, so I wouldn't be able to wash my twig and berries. This bidet doesn't work unless I just take the whole drainplug out of the bowl. Do all bidets (not) work like that?
There wasn't any soap. Shouldn't there be a soap dish. So I grab the soap out of the shower, put it next to the hot water tap (the plug was next to the cold water one -- that seems so half-ass) sit on it, adjust myself so the water shoots up my fumunda place, and wash myself. I think that when I shower I get everything. But apparently, because Europeans are known to have very clean down-theres, using a bidet can be useful.
It's weird to watch myself soap myself without water coming down on me. I feel like the soap will dry and cake if water doesn't activate the liquid properties of the soap immediately. And I didn't know when to stop; I reached down under there, but then I soaped up my genitals, and then the crack of my ass. And then I started going down the back of my legs. Geez, I'm just showering again, aren't I?
And of course because I have my torso all soaped up I didn't know how to wash off the soap. The bidet only shoots up the water in one direction, up. I'd have to, like, bend down to get my cock and balls, then turn around and arch my back to get the soap off my buttcrack. That's just too unwieldy. So I hopped back in the shower to complete everything.
I felt clean. Was I cleaner? I guess, only because I just washed myself twice. I don't know if I used the bidet right, but I don't know if I would use it regularly.
I didn't see a bidet in Milan. Saw one that folded down from a wall in the bathroom in Florence. And there was one in the villa in Siena, which I used. In that one, the water came down the underside of the lip on one end of the bidet. That made it easier to rinse myself off, but then the water went everywhere, and I had to be careful not to make a mess on the floor. Besides that, I still had the same issues with the Siena bidet as the one in Toronto -- no soap dish, no seat, the water flow flows faster than it drains if you keep the plug partiall in. And this one wasn't cleaned; there were hard water stains around the rim. Ew.
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