The last time she was here she wanted all the suitcases we have stowed in her bedroom out of her bedroom, and she wanted all her bedsheets washed. Now, I think normal family members would of course do that for her, and wouldn't need prompting. I am not normal. I could sleep in dusty bedsheets for all I care. I just need a clean damn bed. But no, she wants what she and my brother-in-law are going to sleep in all clean and fresh-smelling, even if they're only going to be here a week and a half.
And I think I touched on this before, but this dinner in St. Paul on Sunday is really grinding my gears. First of all, my sister wants to use my car, and I'm going to give it to her. Also, it seems really damn inconvenient for one group of people who are staying in this house to go out to St. Paul and then have the people who live in the same house go out to St. Paul later that same day. And then my folks told me on Saturday that the minivan, the vehicle I will purportedly be using whenever my sister and brother-in-law want to use my car, had its headlights short out. I had to buy them on Amazon; they might get here before they get here, and they might not. And on top of all that, I realized that the Wild are playing in St. Paul on Sunday, and around the same time as the early dinner. I am not that familiar with St. Paul, and now I have to worry about getting stuck in hockey traffic, too??
Once I realized the minivan had no night lights and I'd have to deal with Wild traffic on Sunday, I obsessed over it all day at work yesterday/Monday -- like, distractingly so. I really do love my sister and brother-in-law, and I really want to spend some time with my niece, who is the reason my sis and bro-in-law are taking my car on Sunday. But I hate, hate, hate these dinner plans the more I learned what I have to deal with. I could feel my body well up with rage and anxiety and dread and helplessness because I feel forced to do something I really, really don't want to do.
And then it hit me: If I don't want to go, don't go. At first that thought was insane. I don't see my niece a whole lot as it is. If I don't see her on this opportunity, I don't know when I'll see her again. Also, has she noticed how seldomly I see her? If I make the decision not to go, well, she has to know, and what will she think of me? But as I kept thinking yesterday ... you know, my sister did raise the idea that I didn't have to go. And I am such an incorrigible bastard that I might say, yeah, screw it, I'll see you guys some other time, tell my niece I say hi. Frankly, I'm leaning that way right now. It is selfish and self-centered of me, but once I started being more accepting of that decision, a weight was lifted off of me. And I would do anything for peace of mind, even ditching family.
So I texted her my concerns. I asked her if our parents wanted to go to dinner and she said yeah. Guess I should have talked to them directly since, you know, I live with them. Anyway, my thoughts are moot if they want to go; I can't not go if they're going. Then again, their desire to go to dinner on Sunday may be moot if Amazon can't deliver these headlight bulbs in time. (Yes, they can go to a store to get them, but Father did that on Saturday, and he's so goddamn cheap that when I told him we could get bulbs through Amazon for less than half the price he got them at Wal-Mart, he immediately went back and returned them.) My sister couldn't foresee this shitshow, but in a shitshow like this, maybe this isn't a good idea, you know? But these fucking plans are going through, and I have to be the dutiful brother/son and just fucking fall in line, no matter the stress and stupidity of the whole thing.
No comments:
Post a Comment