I Didn't Look Forward To This Birthday

Never noticed till now that I really, really anticipated the milestone of my birth every year.  That is, until this year's.  I was quite nonplussed about my 34th birthday today/yesterday.  I believe I was busy, even though I didn't work or anything.  But I think, deep down inside of me, I was dreading this birthday.

There are many reasons for the combination of ennui and fear.  Things at home, especially with My Fucking Father, are not well; he continues to ride my ass on keeping the room he cleaned up without my opinion clean.  Yeah, that'll be the day.  But there's more to it than that.  Moreso than any of the birthdays I've experienced while virtually unemployed, I am resigned to a directionlessness that is codified for all posterity upon my birthday.  And at 34, I feel now more than ever the inevitability of my death.

I kind of have a routine that I followed the day of my birthday.  Instead of braving the bars and parades and inviting the potential of someone talking to me while I'm alone, I did things that amused myself without attracting attention.  First I went to the library, logged in and went to the I went to Matt's Bar and ate a Jucy Lucy.  Then I made sure I got out of there in time to reach my car by 2:17, the minute I was born.  I turn the radio on and check what songs are playing on the radio then.  Don't know why I started or why it matters to me, but it does.  Best song: "Whaddaya Want From Me," by Adam Lambert.

The only birthday deal I know of that doesn't involve eating and/or calling attention to myself was at a car wash, so I went there.  Afterward I wanted to go to a movie, but I arrived at 3 and the closest times for films I wanted to see was 3:30.  I thought of waiting, but I realized that I had shit I could be doing instead -- namely, shopping for a new modem.  We need a new modem, but subconsiously this was a way to placate My Fucking Father.  So for the rest of the afternoon I went to Best Buy and Target and finally got down to some serious researching for modems online.  Then I went home for dinner.

(sigh) I'm not done yet, but I'm tired and there's basketball on, so I'll get back to this some other time -- maybe.  Besides, I have to devote my blogging attention to the Survey for tonight/tomorrow.