I still miss Marisa Miller and her killer California attitude and her big, fake tits. God, how I long to bite into those titties. But Brooklyn Decker -- sounds like Black & Decker, doesn't it? -- will soon succeed her as the next SI Hall Of Famer if she keeps turning in performances like she has in this year's edition. She straddles the flipside of the busty and curvaceous Miller, but her slim, athletic figure is just as All-American. So her tits may not be as huge, but they're big enough, and she has a killer smile. And I haven't ever noticed an SI model shave her pubes as much as Decker does. It's the cover photo; that bikini bottom is hanging so low it might as well be off. If that photo were from 20 or even 15 years ago, we'd be seeing some pubes climbing out of that thing. Actually, I'd really want to see that!
Besides Decker, however, I'm afraid to say that the models' pictures, overall, were kind of weak. Nothing that made my eyes bulge out and my dick hard. Sure, all the babes are beautiful. And some had some very good overall spreads, like Hilary Rhoda and Irina Shayk. But the poses are too tame. It has to be raunchy, kind-of-vintage-Penthouse-like, or at the very least Maxim-like. Maybe I've seen too much porn to be fazed by what could be seen as very sexy pictures. But it's the same old, same old.
Oh, and by the way, drop the bodypainting. The soccer WAGs are fucking bangable, but if you're going to misled me into thinking I can see something that I really can't, then do me a favor and just shoot them fucking naked. Please.
Bar Rafaeli? She is walking sex, but after last year's disastrous interview with Letterman after she got the cover I am totally turned off by her. You don't have to be a cunt, Bar. Take notes on Brooklyn, all funny and cool with Dave for her interview with him last month.
The most shocking think about the Swimsuit Issue? The hottest chicks there aren't the models -- they're the Winter Olympic athletes! Every one of them, including aerialist Lacy Schnoor, snowboarder Clair Bediz (who actually didn't make the Olympic team) and snowboarder Hannah Teeter, had the hottest bods and posed in the hottest shots! I am a sucker for photos that make it seem like the girls are peeling out of their clothes, and all of them have one pic of that! Jeepers-creepers!
But the best of all of them, models included, is skier and gold medalist Lindsay Vonn. The World Cup Champion (and Minnesota native!) gives off a professional, quiet vibe, but in her shots she proves that the quietest ones are the naughtiest! She has her getting-naked shot, her often-overused hands-over-titties shot which is really awesome (putting on sunglasses makes Vonn look like a nympho!), and her lying-on-her-side-in-a-bikini shot. This one is in a sauna, but I swear this is the fucking sexiest goddamn pic in the whole issue, even better than Decker's. It's that smile of Vonn's, that faint Mona Lisa-like smirk, that reels me in and makes me want to wank my dick. Yeah, that and her thumb pulling down the side of her bikiki bottom, which is already low in the first place. Seems like despite all those long hours training, Vonn still has time to shave her pubes!
So overall: A once-every-four-years pictorial saves this otherwise mediocre SI S.I. But yes, I'd still fuck every single woman in the mag.
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