They face Michigan St. Friday; they will probably lose, and even a win won't put them into the Big Dance, according to all the bracketologists out there. But if you're a college basketball junkie this time of year, you know that there was a lot of carnage that happened on Thursday. Several bubble teams from the Big East and Conference USA lost, which might open the door for the Gophers to back into the NCAAs. But a defeat of the Spartans would strengthen that possibility. The final, by the way, is Sunday afternoon, the last conference title game to be played, which should end just after they begin announcing the field. Way to really fuck with the committee, guys.
#-2: Wrestling (Last Week: -2). Look, it is better to be 2nd than dead last, and this year's finish is a hell of a lot better than last year's 5th-place flameout. But they lost to Big Ten champion (and presumptive national favorite) Iowa by 37 fucking points. 37! They could finish third in next week's NCAA Tournament and be nowhere near the top spot. That's why I'm so underwhelmed by this team, that and the fact that I still remember their three national belts from the previous decade. Oh well. At least they have nine wrestlings going into the tourney, led by Big Ten Wrestler Of The Year (and 26-0) Jayson Ness at 133 pounds.
#-3: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -7). This is a young team, Manager John Anderson keeps saying, and he's right. They finished 1-2 in their annual Dairy Queen Classic, their only win over Northwestern, who for some reason is playing in this supposedly non-conference tournament even though they'll play the Gophers in Big Ten play. The Gophs they defeated St. Thomas, my brother's alma mater, but they needed a dozen innings to do it.
How weird is it that the main tenant at the Metrodome, once the epicenter of the sports universe, when it hosted the Super Bowl and Final Four, currently is the Minnesota baseball program? Anyhoo, they follow up their annual DQ Classic with their annual, non-sponsored Metrodome Tournament. They'll play Harvard and South Dakota St., but hopefully I'll get there Saturday to see them play Creighton.
#-4: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -4). The program's days of being the only major program in the WCHA are over. UMD, the higher seed, buried that notion forever with their 3-2 win over the U. on the Gophs' home ice in the Final Faceoff Final Saturday afternoon. It's a sad day indeed. At least the spread of good players hasn't meant a complete collapse; they were safely in the NCAA Tournament, placed as the 3-seed and given a home game against Clarkson this Saturday. Win that, and once again they're in the Frozen Four -- and this one will be played at Ridder. But what happens if they face the Bulldogs again?
Also, congratulations to Noora Räty; the Gopher netminder has been named one of three finalists for the Patty Kazmaier Trophy, given to the best player in women's college hockey. Doubt she'll win, however; the award will probably go to Vicki Bendus, the forward from the best team in the country, Mercyhurst. It might be because Bendus is a junior while Räty is only a freshman. It might also be because, even though Räty was the only goaltender between the pipes for Team Finland in the Winter Olympics, she dropped 11 goals to both the Canadians and Americans.
#-5: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -5). For only the third time in the past 11 years -- but for the second season in a row -- the male skaters will play their first-round conference tournament series on the road. That's due to their embarrassing 3-2 loss to Wisconsin in a special game at Target Center Friday. Apologists will point to their 6-1 win Sunday afternoon back at Mariucci that they're coming into postseason play on a high note, but so what? It was fucking Senior Day; the Badgers laid down so the home team could look good.
So the Gophs finish as the seventh team in the WCHA and now have to win two out of three games at hated rival North Dakota this weekend. Then they have to win the whole damn tournament to get to the NCAA Tournament. In other words, fuck and no. The boys' state high school hockey tournament is at the X this weekend; Xcel's also hosting regional games for the NCAAs. I'm hearing a lot of talk that the best players on the teams making it to state will go to the U. If the program continues to recruit so many good goddamn blue-chippers, why is this team fucking sucking?
#-6: Timberwolves (Last Week: -8). And yet for all the putridity going on at the U., all of the teams, every single program, had a better week than either pro team currently playing. I'm putting the Woofie Dogs as the penultimate team only because they played one less game, and therefore lost one less loss. They had a three-game homestand and went down in defeat in every single one. I was at the game Wednesday against Denver. They looked pretty good through the midpoint of the third quarter, but they turned it on after that. The Wolves got sloppy, J.R. Smith went nuts from behind the line and on that sick 360 alley-oop, and once the Nuggets were in control the home team packed it in. They have now lost seven in a row. They are by far the worst team in the West and the team with the second-worst record overall. Which means they'll pick fifth in this year's draft. And somehow fuck it up by drafting a guard.
This week: They finish up their homestand by completing their hosting of the Texas teams by
#-7: Wild (Last Week: -3). This team shut down with their loss to Atlanta before the Olympic Break, but they really, really shut it down after their 0-4 pissaway for the week. Oh, sure, two of the losses were in a shootout, but after the loss to Edmonton Friday they gave up. Disgusting losses vs. Calgary (5-2) and at Detroit (5-1) sandwich the worst of the four losses, a shootout loss to the should-be-folded Florida Panthers wherein they blew a 2-0 lead. They had a third of the shots the Panthers got. Some offense there, guys.
They too have four games to play for the week. My friend invited me to see them host St. Louis. It'd be great. I wanted to see the Blues when I was vacationing in St. Louis but couldn't because I was going during the break. Plus, one of their best players went to my high school. But dude, it's Selection Sunday! They'll announce the field just as the game starts!! And right now I'd rather eat my own shit than see the Wild!!!
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