I was digging for something in my laptop bag last night -- for what I forget, and I fear that as soon as I remember why I was digging in there in the first place, my week would have gotten worse and I would have to blog about it -- when I see an envelope. When I take it out, I see it's an envelope containing rebates that I meant to send by the due date ... which was Wednesday.
I'm still so mad at myself for not sending these rebates in time that I feel like banging my head against the wall until I bleed. I'm considering just sticking a knife in the side of my neck right now and laying down to bleed out -- not because I want to stop my suffering, but I feel like such a goddamn fuckup that I don't deserve to live.
You see, I went to the hardware store for Father, who wanted me to buy these items which are rebatable. I've done this many times before, and will many times after. After I check out, I pick up the rebate forms. Then I put aside a half-hour to fill them out, slice the copy receipts, then put them all into an envelope.
That's my usual routine. However, one time, about a year ago, I got caught in a lie when Mother said she had more rebates that she could send in with the ones I had. When I was filling these out, that memory was foremost on my mind. That I had sent in other rebates since without Mother saying she had some as well didn't enter my mind.
However, I wanted to make sure I wasn't too late with the rebates. So I had placed them in an envelope, filled out all the information, then put it off to the side of my desk where I could see it. I mentally thought that they'd be there in case Mother or Father asked me to buy more rebatable stuff. I wouldn't have to use two stamps then. I had fleeting thoughts of, Christ, this is stupid, just send the fucking thing. But I waited. And I told myself that as long as I could see the envelope, I would send it in time.
Fast forward to earlier this week. It was time for me to send them; I knew that it was foolish to wait for other rebates because my parents rarely ask me to go back to buy stuff so quickly. So, as I was gathering my laptop for coffee, I made the fateful mistake of putting it into my computer bag. I thought, I will finish these rebates then send them on my way back home. I can remember thinking in the back of my head, But you're going to forget. But I put it in my bag. And I completely forgot, like I thought I would.
I am so pissed off at myself for so many reasons:
- First of all, it's obvious I so stupid I can't do something as simple as sending a goddamn envelope.
- I had almost a month -- almost a fucking month -- to do this simple task, and I didn't.
- Little voices inside my head warned me that procrastinating on this was a bad idea, and I ignored them.
- My mistakes are costing me money, and if you follow this blog, you know I have to make every penny count these days.
- Worst of all, I have done this before. My forgetfulness, my absentmindedness, my scatterbrainedness, they have all reared their ugly heads and derailed my best intentions, making me feel crummy about myself and, ultimately, making me lose money.
The AmEx late fee is different from the rebates. I had fewer lingering doubts about not opening the statement, and I certainly didn't say to myself, Why am I getting a bill when I haven't used their card in months? The bottom line is I have to pay an extra $15 and I probably have a dent on my credit score.
Now, tack that late fee onto the amount of money I should have gotten in rebates. How much? I don't fucking know. I soon ran into another thing I hate about myself: How I react irrationally in the face of immense pressure.
After confirming that the rebates needed to be postmarked by the 2nd, I bitterly licked the envelope shut in preparation of sending it. I think that, in my mind, I was hurriedly doing what I was supposed to do. But if I thought about it for a second, I would've known that it was a little too goddamn late at that point, and at the very least I should've looked through the rebates for any piece of information that would help me. Trying to "make up" for my mistake, I made another one: Preventing me from seeing how much money I could have gotten back in rebates, what were the rebate numbers in case I need to reference them later, if I filled out all the information, whether I put in all the receipts, etc. I compounded my fuck-ups, and that makes me even more infuriated at myself.
I still sent it in anyway. Maybe these rebate people are nice and won't hold the postmark date against me. Or, maybe they'll enforce the rules I was too dumb and lazy to follow. If that's the case, I'll have ... oh, I know there were eight items I bought, and let's say I would've received two bucks apiece ... $31 that I need to make up for somewhere else. I want to go downtown and see my All-Time Favorite and get a handjob and maybe a blowjob from her. But I really shouldn't now that I've pissed all this money down the drain because of my carelessness and lack of preparation.
I don't deserve to live. And don't think I should get another chance, because there will be no end to this. I will do this again: Put something off, ignore my conscience, and lose an opportunity to save money, or pay money I didn't have to pay. I will feel shitty about myself again. And I will have to make up for it by depriving myself of things I enjoy, which will mean I will hate myself even more.
I should go fuck myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment