I wanted to hang out and work on my laptop a little more at a coffeeshop, but I forget that no mom-and-pop shops take American Express. (Mental note: Research why.) The one I go to -- or at least go to until, recently, maybe I'll blog about it -- let me stay and drink water. So generous, and I took them up on their offer. But after about a half-hour and realizing that I could still make it back home in time to watch the Kimmel monologue, I felt a rumbling in my bowels. It's one of those kinds of rumblings, if you know what I mean.
I hate taking a shit in a public restroom, so I did my best to tell myself, "You can do this, you can hold this in" as I briskly walked to my car and drove (around 65 so as not to incur a speeding ticket like I did in fuckin' St. Louis, thank you) back home. I was worried that Father would see me carrying in a big brown bag (in which I put the plastic bag in which the plastic jug was in so as not to arouse attention) and my pajamas in the house. He stayed downstairs on the Internet, so I burst upstairs.
I went to my bedroom before going to the bathroom, and that's when I realized my dilemma. I still need to collect my pee, but how in the hell am I going to do that when I have all this feces coming out of me? I can't do it staying up, of course. But how will I get the jug around my thing in the middle of my bowel movement? I pantomimed the scene of me on the toilet in my head, and it was awkward. But then there was another surge of pain in my gut, so I had to go to the bathroom, jug in hand.
What I did was sit up in the front of the toilet so my penis would hang on the edge of the seat. I would still shit into the water, thank God, but I would have to bring the jug in sideways in order to pee into it. And then I got all these bad images of the urine spilling onto me and the floor because I accidentally tipped the jar down and then peeing all over the floor because I recoiled from the pee from the jug -- the things in my head were just awful.
So what I had to do was tip over on one side. I was answering the call of nature on my right thigh as I hung my left thigh in the air. That gave me the downward hang I would need to make sure gravity would carry my piss out of my urethra and into the jug. That was the only way I felt secure enough to collect the sample without getting it all over me. But you should've seen the tableau: Me, in the middle of a violent bowel movement, at a 45-degree angle, trying to stick my dick through this plastic orange carton. Not proud.
I think I got most of it, but I was surprised that not a whole lot came out. It was coming out through my anus, that's for damn sure, but not through the front. I felt like it had to come out on both ends, but at the end I produced just a puddle of semen. Then I remembered I had thought this before, that you seem to piss or shit, but not at the same time. I have had bowel movements in the past where I'm waiting for the feces to come out of my rectum, and once it does, you start to pee. I imagine I could look inside my body, and then I imagine seeing my large intestine and rectum, and seeing my fecal matter inbetween pockets of piss.
And that's how I see the reason of shitting and pissing whenever I have an attack like this. I can only do one or the other because they both come through the large intestine, and obviously you can only eject one thing at a time. Of course, that's not how the body works: The shit comes out through the intestine but the piss goes through the kidney and bladder. I may still not be able to piss and shit simultaneously, but it's not because they come through the same body part. Maybe it's because the body can't take stuff coming out of it in two places at once.
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I felt the same diarrhea attack this morning after having coffee after dropping off my first jug of pee (just over 650 mL overnight, in which I slept just soon after I got home at 12:30 or so, way more than the 525 mL I pissed out during my 12-hour stay at the hospital yesterday -- weird, I think). Once again I struggled to get my little man into the jug without tipping the whole thing over, and once again I pissed very, very little. But I got so tired of being on my thigh that I just sat there and eased my cock over the edge of the seat and into the mouth of the jug -- slowly, like a camel's nose into a tent. This is no way to collect a sample, but this morning I didn't care. This attack was so bad I almost shit my pants as I reached the bathroom.
I get to do this 11 more times. What I do in the name of science -- and employment.
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