One positive thing about my seasonal job: It has ordered the rest of my day so that I know that anything I want to do I need to squeeze into a finite set of hours, particularly in the morning.
Since this is the last day of November, the local county compost dump is closing after today, which meant that I had to finish raking the leaves today. Also, I needed to purchase a new set of tires today to take advantage of an American Express rebate. Finally, I hear there's snow coming Saturday, and I looked at my really dirty car and figured I should get it washed.
So as I was spending four hours this morning dumping bags of leaves, buying tires and then dropping off the rebate in the mail, going to Target to pick up Grandmother's medications and trying out Burger King's Chef's Burger (pretty good, but the best part is the apple-smoked bacon), I kept looking up at the sky. The sun was out this morning as I was gathering the leaves, but ever since I got in my car it was overcast -- perfectly overcast.
I love cloudy autumn days like this -- or at least used to. I don't know when I decided I liked it, or when I realized it, but to me, a cloudy day is perfect for fall. Cool temperatures but not too cold, no allergies I have to suffer from, and all the beautiful leaves blazing in hot colors as they lie on the ground. The lack of sun tempers my anxiety. Things just feel ... stable in this tableau. Maybe that's why I like it so much: It means that things are alright.
But things are not alright. The Store is closing. Grandmother is ailing. She and my parents are fighting, and the house has been an empty, lonely, unloving home for a long, long time. So now, when I look up and see what had always been the perfect setting, I am sad for the changes going on in my life, the things out of my control that will give me pain and suffering. And that's why it hurts so much more: What used to be a scene of comfort is now a trigger for depression.
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