I had told her the day before about this deposition, and the preparing for it, because she probably wouldn't remember if I told her before then. She seemed OK, but then wanted to back out. But I insisted that she do this because when she told me about the car accident she was in, she told me wanted to go through with it. Of course, that was several months ago, so she probably forgot, but dammit, what else could I do? I'm making her lie in the bed she made.
So I wake up about two hours early and remind her, once again, that we're going -- get your hair did and all. And she seemed as serene as an 84-year-old woman who may or may not know what's going on could be. So I showered and shaved for the big occasion.
But then, as I was in the bathroom, I hear her hacking up and spitting. She has had what sounds like a cold for about a week or so, so maybe there's that. But it continued, and then Grandmother did it with more frequency, and then she did louder. Finally, she started to dry-heave.
She tried faking being sick in order to get out of going to the law firm. I was afraid of this, although I didn't think she would have the balls to do it. I remember when I was 5 I was so scared of going to school that I threw this epic temper tantrums. I would literally back myself into a corner to ensure that I would not go. I remember looking at a report card one and seeing I missed nine days of school for that quarter. So dealing with this made me understand how my parents felt when I absolutely refused to go to school. Karma.
And so I felt like I had already lost her and this battle. There's no way I can make an old lady go to the law firm. Well, I guess I can lift her over my shoulder and carry her out fireman-style. But I don't want to expend the energy. Besides, would she cooperate once we got there?
I also reassessed my headstrong approach to this. I still have no idea what exactly happened in this accident, and I know even less about what Grandmother did after that. I still have no fucking clue how this law firm got ahold of her and her information. Did they literally chase the ambulance to the hospital and hectored her into suing? I don't know if I could have just blown this off, but maybe, just maybe, I should not have just rushed headlong into doing this because I wanted to hold Grandmother to her promises. What if I make things worse? And this could be a browbeating law firm that pressured Grandmother and took advantage of her frailty. I could just say that I'm stepping in and stopping this because she doesn't know what she's doing and therefore I am doing what's best for her.
In the meantime My Fucking Grandmother was pulling out all the goddamn stops. She was dry-heaving and spitting like her goddamn life depending on it. She was shouting through the walls, "I'm sick! I can't go! Cancel!! Cancel!!!" so I could hear it. When I finished showering I saw the kitchen sink turned all the way up. I thought she forgot to turn it off again, but when I called for her from the kitchen to turn it off, she bellowed from the bathroom, "I can't! I'm too sick!! You do it!! And cancel!!!" It was absolutely mind-blowing to see this elderly woman intentionally act like a brat on purpose. What 84-year-old thinks this is an acceptable way of refusing to go somewhere?
After I reminded her we were going to the deposition she started calling her friends, probably in a state of panic. Sadly, I imagine one of them going, "If you don't want to go, you have to make it sound like you really can't go. Quick, act like you're sick! Cough and wheeze and act you're about to throw up!! Then he can't make you go to work!!!"
One of the people Grandmother called is someone I refer to as her son. He's actually a family friend from way back. He doesn't have a job, so he often takes Grandmother to places she wants to go so she can buy things and, thus, feel important. She said he was coming; she even opened the front door for him to come in, despite being "sick" and all. But I was the one who needed him now. Not only could he translate what I fucking wanted to say to my immature Grandmother, I was certain he could tell me what was going on with this deposition and how she fucking got into an accident in the first place.
He told me. I still don't quite understand. But it was getting to the point where we were supposed to be at the law firm. It was too late, and Grandmother wasn't going anywhere except lying on her death bed. I knew for some time, but we called off the deposition. Well, he did.
I don't get what happened next. I was really scared that if I called to cancel the "depo," the law firm would somehow charge Grandmother and/or me for canceling. If we weren't going to go, I just thought we would just blow them off. For all I know this was a victim assembly line, and the firm just had its paralegals run through a series of boilerplate questions and make them sign forms and then just tell them to shoo. If that was the case, ignoring them felt like the best course of action.
But Grandmother's "boy" knew the deal. He knew about the accident from the start because he's very close to Grandmother's friend, who was driving the car Grandmother was in. I got him to call the firm because I was scared. He told them Grandmother was sick. And, according to him, they said, "OK, we don't need her, we can take it from here." Really? All the letters and veiled threats to charge us fees for canceling, and you didn't even fucking need her?
Fuck this, I don't care anymore. Maybe Grandmother should be put in a home.
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One other thing: I was certain from the first time she was really selling her pseudo-vomiting that she was faking it. But there's one important difference this day from most other days: Because I wanted to make sure Grandmother was sharp as she could be in recounting the accident, I made her take Aricept, the anti-Alzheimer's pill. It's a huge risk because I have heard that many elderly people have suffered side effects with little benefit. But I thought this was a good occasion to make her take a pill.
Just in case she wasn't faking the nausea, I logged on and Googled Aricept's side effects. One of the most common ones: nausea.
So maybe she wasn't faking it. But then, the next day, she was fine.
Fuck her, that goddamn liar.
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