Overall I say it's another tepid outing. Nothing that made me bust my gut with laughter. There weren't a huge number of bad ones, either. But the ones that were bad were bad. So let's start out with those, in reverse order for least-worst to definite worst. I'll get to the best soon, hopefully.
I have come up with four awful spots, and they all share two common themes -- and they're the themes nearly all Super Bowl commercials fall back on like crutches in order to get cheap laughs: children and animals.
4) Any of the ones with the Coca-Cola polar bears
This is more of a case of promises broken than anything. I love the bears, they're really cute. But I was looking forward to something special when Coca-Cola said before Super Bowl XLVI that the commercials shown would reflect what's happening in the game. Switching ads depending on what's going on live? Sounds really technologically new -- I'll watch it!
But we got three spots that feature the polar bears doing things that weren't as cute or precious as I remembered them in years past. They were catching Coke bottles and performing superstitions and yelling in frustration. Worst of all, I don't see how the ads followed the game. It looked like they could've come on regardless of how the game was going, close match or blow-out. Apparently there were other commercials that could have been put into the slots, but I was led to believe all of them were tailored to the tenor of the game. We just got ads of cute polar bears being cute.
3) E*Trade's fucking talking baby
If this fucking creepy talking baby ever comes up in future Super Bowls, he'll automatically get a spot in a worst list like this. Babies acting like adults is not funny at all. And his smartass schtick, old the first time I heard it, is just as dumb this time around.
2) The Doritos "Sling Baby" spot
Oh, isn't he so cute?! Underdog baby and underdog grandma stick it to snot-nosed kid by taking his Doritos away. They needed to slingshot the baby in order to get to the chips, but the main thing that helped him get that was really shitty CGI.
I feel bad for trashing it. Doritos has once again relied on the public to "crowdsource" a spot for the Super Bowl. It's an ingenious way to save money (you don't have to spend exorbitant talent fees and instead can pay peanuts to people who just want their big break). Moreover, it proves that private citizens can come up with ideas as lazy and brain-dead as those developed by gigantic ad agencies charging an arm and a leg. If you can't come up with a good spot, might as well pay as little as possible for it.
What galls me is that this piece of shit won USA Today's Ad Meter. The people who vote on this will always go for spots with children and/or animals, without fail. Wit? Big ideas? Fuck that. Gimme cute babies and doggies!!! When I want to feel loathsome about mankind, I always wait until after the Super Bowl and read the Ad Meter. The winner has been an overrated, groan-inducing spot every year, and so I always come away with it believing that people are just plain fucking stupid.
1) TaxACT.com, the company that gave us the boy who had to go pee
Totally gross. I mean it; I don't think needing to piss is funny at all. It doesn't help that it's a kid, and having one that overacts through the excruciating 30 seconds makes it even worse. I feel bad for the girl who dove into the pool right after the boy decides to relieve himself in the pool. And what the fuck has this got to do with doing your taxes? It's free to do online through TaxACT ... just like pissing in a pool? Is that what you want your potential new customers to think when they use your products? If that's the case, the forms better be yellow.
The only way I enjoy seeing pissing are golden shower porn, preferably by women. Everything else is disgusting.
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