It's been more than a week since my predecessor basically blindsided me with a phone call that revealed a truly dark side to him. I have since stopped thinking he was undermining me; upon further reflection, I think that the host of the party demanded some help from my alma mater, who then was flailing about and finally found my predecessor, who basically felt he needed to step in and ask for help when I didn't think there was anything wrong.
So I can see how he was mad. But what to do beyond that is something I haven't figured out yet. My first instinct (after getting through the party, of course) is to apologize. But then I thought I had to apologize to so many other people first. If he was upset about stepping in, maybe continuing to rope him into something that he doesn't think he should be involved me isn't the smartest thing to do. It's been a week, so my thought on Sunday was now was the time to at least talk about it. But maybe I should still give him more time. Besides, I know he's busy right now.
Finally, and this is most important, I don't really know how to broach the subject with him. I really thought that he was so mad about what I failed to do that I should just outright hand him my resignation. He told me over this phone call that he was really concerned because, even though even he knew taking such a stand was kind of wrong, he felt ownership over the presidency. And if he's going to look over my shoulder to make sure I don't ruin his baby, I might as well give this all back to him. I love my alma mater, but even that's not worth the aggravation.
But after a few days I thought I was overreacting. Or, maybe with some hours' distance with that alarmed phone call from the alumni association, and assuming he caught wind that the party went off without a hitch and in fact was a huge hit, he would have calmed down. Then, I figure it'd be the time to apologize for not doing my job, and then have a serious talk about its direction. I was still willing to give the presidency back to him, but it would be less out of frustration over what I perceived as a humiliation towards me rather than a move for the good of the club.
I have, however, evolved from that mindset in the past 24 hours or so. I'm back to being defensive, at least a little. Why? It's still that thing about wandering around the house and not being professional, two accusations I still don't understand. Maybe he blurted those things out without really knowing its full context. Maybe he doesn't care. But all I know right now (without talking to him about it, of course) is that he thinks there's something weird, and thus wrong, with me. Does he still feel that way? Because even though I fucked up the preparation, I think everything else since the party has been pretty good.
So yeah, I think we need to talk. How and when, I'm still not sure. I don't want to jump to conclusions and give him more ammunition that I'm a loose cannon. But I don't want to act as if everything's OK and then have him act all weird to me the first time we see each other at an event ... or realize he's not coming to an event I thought he'd be at because of me. I still don't know if he likes me. And I don't really want to know, but if he's so damn concerned about the club, he'll have to talk to me, because right now I'm running it.
In other words, I don't know what the fuck I should do.
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In the meantime he's been in my head. How so? Last night I tweeted an event we're holding next month, and I was so scared that I somehow cut-and-pasted a link to a porn site that I had to check to make sure I didn't do that. I didn't; in fact I wasn't looking at porn at the time I got on the club's Twitter feed. But ever since I've been afraid that I'll post something, only to have my predecessor frantically call me in the middle of the night going, "YOU PUT UP A LINK TO A PORNSITE!!! DELETE IT, NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!" And then I would have lost his confidence permanently, and he'd probably tell me to leave the club immediately.
I am now reluctant to look at porn on this laptop -- especially when I'm communicating on behalf of the club, but all other times, too. I'm just scared I'll fuck up somehow. I'm even scared of putting a porn photo up as my desktop background now, as I have wanted to do ever since the party's over. I'm just scared that I'll bring it to a public place and I'll totally forget it's on and that shot of a girls sucking on a guy's dick as she's cradling it in a hot dog bun (I have weird fetishes) and everybody will see it at the coffeehouse ... or at the alumni event. I can't keep walking the line like this, it's just too much. I NEED MY PORN!!!
So I do the porn thing first, then close everything down and do my alumni stuff. And I hope to Buddha that if I post a link to something I check it to make absolutely sure it's safe ... and if I do screw up I delete it quickly enough that no one would have seen it.
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Oh, and another thing: That woman that hosted games last week, the one who I suspect was the one who talked about me wandering the house and talking to myself (even though I swear I did not do the former and don't think the latter's too bad), the one to whom I immediately apologized through Facebook because without her cooperation we won't be watching all the games this season? It didn't look like she had looked at it the last time I checked, which gave me hope that she wasn't snubbing me.
Well, I checked Facebook this evening; she has posted something on a date after I had apologized to her. So she has to -- has to!! -- have seen my apology to her. So why hasn't she said anything to me? She must be upset. So she is the one to have complained about me not bringing shit to her party and taking shit away after it, about wandering around (which, once again, I never did) or talking to myself (which is perfectly normal, goddammit!!!), and instead of dealing with me like a man she's sniping behind my back and ignoring me. I thought we had a better relationship than that. I thought she was a more mature woman than that. Guess not.
Therefore, because of her duplicity, I'll need to scramble to find another place to hold our parties ... or not hold them at all. And why, because she didn't like that I didn't bring any food to her party even though she didn't fucking say anything? That I talk to myself?? Fuck her!!!
Everybody's turning against me. I thought I was cool with both my predecessor and this host, but behind my back they conspire against me. Some friends you turned out to be. Pisses me off that my presidency and the club are going into the shitter because of these folks. ...
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