Don't understand why there's a run on toilet paper, but that's just me.
I stocked up on toilet paper before the pandemic. Many, many years ago, as my parents shut down The Store, they moved much of the unbought and unused merchandise home. That included toilet paper, but the cheap, shitty, scratchy kind. Nevertheless, for the past several years I have had a surplus of toilet paper in my bathroom closet, and because of that, I've felt this subconscious need to replenish that surplus. I bought a bunch of toilet paper last winter, when my folks were gone, and I did so again shortly before they came home this time around.
But I wanted to make a point as to which kind I bought. In liberal circles, buying the "right" brand of toilet paper has been low-hanging fruit to signal your allegiance to the Resistance because a couple of toilet paper brands are owned by companies that are owned by Koch Industries, and as you may know, the Koch Brothers (Charles and the now-dead David) are nihilistic libertarians who are among the oligarchs running the country these days.
To not fund our oppression, there are lists showing what consumer products are made by subsidiaries owned by Koch Industries. When it comes to toilet paper, the Kochs own two: Quilted Northern and Angel Soft, made by Koch-owned Georgia-Pacific. So, no Quilted Northern or Angel Soft for me.
But then, which one should I buy? Believe it or not, there aren't too many webpages that pop up when you Google "best toilet paper." What I did when I went to Target was to look at who owns the other brands of toilet paper and pick one. I don't quite remember which one I bought -- it's the one with the swirly pattern on it -- but I think it's Charmin, and I think I bought it because it's made by Procter & Gamble and I hear they're a not-Republican company.
I think it sucks. Charmin (if I'm right) sucks in one very particular way, a way which was brought about by the virus. Ever since we were told that the coronavirus could last on stainless steel and other smooth surfaces for days, I have been paranoid not to touch any of said surfaces. So when I wash my hands in my bathroom, I have been leaving the faucet open, drying my hands on my bath towel, then reaching down to get a square of toilet paper that I use to turn off both handles.
When I take a square of Charmin, I don't take a square. I rip off only a portion of that square, and it's usually around where I grip that square. It rarely rips off at the perforation. I have even tried to hold the square with both hands, my right one right around the perforation, and I still get only one goddamn piece of it. It's so fucking flimsy as to be useless. Toilet paper shouldn't be that soft.
Does it wipe my ass? Yeah, sure. But so does a leaf, and even though it may not be as scratchy, that sure as shit doesn't make me appreciate the Charmin any more. Why can't it rip where it's supposed to rip? I now have to be so fucking careful that I don't come into contact with the handle of the sink faucet because I'm holding a piece of toilet paper only an inch wide and long. Fucking toilet paper.
I stocked up on toilet paper before the pandemic. Many, many years ago, as my parents shut down The Store, they moved much of the unbought and unused merchandise home. That included toilet paper, but the cheap, shitty, scratchy kind. Nevertheless, for the past several years I have had a surplus of toilet paper in my bathroom closet, and because of that, I've felt this subconscious need to replenish that surplus. I bought a bunch of toilet paper last winter, when my folks were gone, and I did so again shortly before they came home this time around.
But I wanted to make a point as to which kind I bought. In liberal circles, buying the "right" brand of toilet paper has been low-hanging fruit to signal your allegiance to the Resistance because a couple of toilet paper brands are owned by companies that are owned by Koch Industries, and as you may know, the Koch Brothers (Charles and the now-dead David) are nihilistic libertarians who are among the oligarchs running the country these days.
To not fund our oppression, there are lists showing what consumer products are made by subsidiaries owned by Koch Industries. When it comes to toilet paper, the Kochs own two: Quilted Northern and Angel Soft, made by Koch-owned Georgia-Pacific. So, no Quilted Northern or Angel Soft for me.
But then, which one should I buy? Believe it or not, there aren't too many webpages that pop up when you Google "best toilet paper." What I did when I went to Target was to look at who owns the other brands of toilet paper and pick one. I don't quite remember which one I bought -- it's the one with the swirly pattern on it -- but I think it's Charmin, and I think I bought it because it's made by Procter & Gamble and I hear they're a not-Republican company.
I think it sucks. Charmin (if I'm right) sucks in one very particular way, a way which was brought about by the virus. Ever since we were told that the coronavirus could last on stainless steel and other smooth surfaces for days, I have been paranoid not to touch any of said surfaces. So when I wash my hands in my bathroom, I have been leaving the faucet open, drying my hands on my bath towel, then reaching down to get a square of toilet paper that I use to turn off both handles.
When I take a square of Charmin, I don't take a square. I rip off only a portion of that square, and it's usually around where I grip that square. It rarely rips off at the perforation. I have even tried to hold the square with both hands, my right one right around the perforation, and I still get only one goddamn piece of it. It's so fucking flimsy as to be useless. Toilet paper shouldn't be that soft.
Does it wipe my ass? Yeah, sure. But so does a leaf, and even though it may not be as scratchy, that sure as shit doesn't make me appreciate the Charmin any more. Why can't it rip where it's supposed to rip? I now have to be so fucking careful that I don't come into contact with the handle of the sink faucet because I'm holding a piece of toilet paper only an inch wide and long. Fucking toilet paper.
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