Douche-In-Waiting

I wanted to go to a coffeeshop because I needed to finish the postseason draft for this fantasy football league I'm in.  My laptop had no juice in it, and all I wanted was a socket to plug it in.  So I go this very crowded Borders around noon.

Their Seattle's Best coffeeshop was packed.  However, there was this one guy right in front of me who had gotten up, stashed away his laptop, and picked it up.  However, he left his jacket on the chair and a book on the table as he went around the corner into the bathroom.  What does that mean?  Did he just not want to deal with his jacket and book while he took a piss?

I didn't know what to do.  This asshole didn't give me any sign that he was staying or going.  But I needed a socket to plug in my laptop, and see one right there, right there next to the now-empty table except for some black jacket draped over a chair and a fuckin' book.  Should I just take it?  I didn't; instead I just stayed standing six feet away, paralyzed, like a douche-in-waiting.

He comes back.  He takes the book.  He has this douchey smile on his face as he makes his way to the checkout counter.  He seems chummy with the guy at the counter as he buys a drink and maybe the book.  He takes his sweet-ass time taking a stirrer and spooning the whip cream into his mouth at the condiment way station.

And then, right in front of me, without looking at me for even a second, he comes back to "his" table and unpacks his laptop.  Well fuck you in the ass, asshole, don't you see people are waiting for that socket?  You mean, cruel motherfuck.  Making me wait like that, goddamn you.  Goddamn you!!!

Meanwhile there was one table that's been open all this time.  The girl there got up the same time as this fucker, except that she actually left.  But there was no socket there ... oh wait, there is.  Right around the corner.  Sheesh.  Glad no one else got to the table or else I really would've lost my mind.

Peered at this asshole my whole time there.  Still had that shit-eating grin on his face.

Either it's the season or I really am taking My Father's edict to heart, but I have turned in earlier than usual just about half the nights the past fortnight.  Usually after a long night out (with no rest in the evening), I feel like crashing around 1, 2 or 3, and then I do, and I wake up at a respectable hour, like 10, 9 ... or even 8:30, like I did this morning.  Scary weird ... and yet I feel quite satisfied at the six hours of sleep I got.  And this despite the fact that I'm fucking late on a lot of writing I have to do.

Is My Father right?  Oh, I hope to God it's no. ...

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Vikings (Last Week: -6).  Well, after all the Strum  und Drang about how they could slip all the way to the four-seed and have to host a dangerous Dallas or Green Bay team, they wound up back where we thought they would be: at #2 in the NFC playoff seeding and receiving a first-round bye.  They were playing the Giants, a team that had nothing to play for, and they showed it.  Still, I'm pleased that the team turned them out, 44-7.  It was running up the score, but it was important to demonstrate to themselves that they can dominate if they want to, something that fans haven't seen in weeks.

So they finished their end-of-season gauntlet at 2-3, losing all their road games.  At least the only road game they could have is against New Orleans, which plays in a dome and is playing horribly as of late.  But one gets the feeling that they could be a one-and-done team.  The NFC is wide open, and their opponent, Dallas, Arizona or Green Bay, are playing as well or better than the Vikings right now.  Also, who knows if having a week off is a good thing or a bad thing for a team that hasn't been firing on all cylinders as of late?

Oh well; those are worries for next week.  What could derail the team's good humor this week besides some off-the-field arrest, like the coach's son getting popped for a DUI?  Oh wait . ...

#-2: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -4).  The Gopher ladies went 2-0 this week -- both at home, both after trailing at halftime.  The defense at least is doing its part to bring the team back into games (even though if they're even in the same ballpark talent-wise as the Final Four team they would be blowing the likes of Iowa and Northwestern out of the water).  But what will happen on the road against Illinois Sunday afternoon?  At least they get another shot against Purdue at the Barn Thursday.  (How come they're playing the Boilermakers twice in a span of 16 days?)

#-3: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -1).  Well, leaving the cocoon of Williams exposed the team as they lost at fourth-ranked Purdue by 19 on Tuesday.  However, I do like that they went on the road and beat Iowa by eight New Year's Post.  Note: the lowest number of points they've scored when winning this year is 75; the highest number of points they've scored when losing this year is 65.  That's a pretty big spread.  This week: vs. Ohio St. Saturday, at Michigan St. Wednesday (good luck).

#-4: Wrestling (Last Week: -5).  They had a chance to upset second-ranked Iowa St Sunday.  With three matches to go the Gophs held a tight one-point lead on the Cyclones, but they won two of the last three and squeaked by for a 19-16 win.  At least they didn't slip from their #6 ranking in the NWCA Poll.  They are now in National Duals, which is essentially an in-season 16-team wrestling version of March Madness.  Look at the bracket -- awesome, isn't it?  They face Missouri, which is #17 in the NWCA.  However, they're seeded fifth and might face fourth-seeded Central Michigan Saturday afternoon.  They might be putting in only a half-day's work in Cedar Falls, Iowa.

#-5: Wild (Last Week: -2).  They're skidding again, losing three of four the past eight days, two of three at home.  And the losses were big; the closest was two goals, New Year's Post, against the New Jersey Devils and the team's former coach, Jacques Lemaire.  Fortunately, they broke their four-game losing streak Wednesday with a 4-1 ass-kicking of Calgary at the X, ending the Flames' winning streak at five games.  Saw most of the game on TV; Mikko Koivu kicks ass, and Eric Belanger can play.  They just have to keep their mental focus.  They have three in a row at home, but it's a tough trio -- Chicago, Pittsburgh (although they haven't been playing well lately), and Vancouver -- before finishing the week at St. Louis.

#-6: Timberwolves (Last Week: -3).  They are winless for the decade, losing by 12, 11, and 6 points.  This could be a time (middle of a long regular season, when contenders shift down a couple years because they're just plain bored) to prove to themselves and to the league that they have talent.  Well, they're not starting out 2010 on the right foot; any momentum they had seems to be gone.  Four for the week: home to Indiana tonight (very winnable) before going to Chicago, Denver and Houston.

#-7: Gopher football (Re-Entry!).  Not like anybody gives a shit, but they lost in the Insight Bowl to Iowa St. (damn you Cyclones, why do you lord it over us Gophers in all athletics?!) New Year's Eve by a point.  MarQueis Gray was driving the team down the field but muffed a snap.  The Cyclones recovered, and that was it.

So the team ends up at 6-7, another mediocre finish.  Tim Brewster's schitck has finally worn thin.  He kicked Running Back Kevin Whaley off the team for getting into a fight after the game.  And he was given a contract extension even though he openly sassed his boss, Athletic Director Joel Maturi.  Put aside the fact that the Pollyannas thought bringing the team back on-campus would bring in more elite recruits.  The saga of TCF Bank Stadium has already chewed up one coach, and if Brewster somehow doesn't get his act together next year (and I think he only gets one more year), it'll chew up a second.

Threatened By Collection Agency

Maybe they come for all of us at some point.

Got woken up at a bit after 11 by the phone.  Grandmother answered it and, coincidentally, it was for me.  I answered yes when he asked for me.  He seemed nice, but when he said that this call was being monitored, all my fatigue evacuated through my pores.  This is something serious.

The guy was calling for a collection agency, and he said I owed a thousand bucks on a loan for an '04 Ford.  I told him he's got the wrong guy.  He gives me a birthdate of this guy he's looking for -- "No," I said, "my birthday is ..." -- d'oh!  I just remembered that guys are trying to scam people by making them give out their personal information!!  Shit!!!

I played coy the rest of the way.  Somehow he thought that I sounded "too old" for the guy he was looking for, who apparently was born in '79.  And then he said the last name which didn't sound like my last name.  It wasn't me, I told him.  He started to verbally retreat, and he was actually starting to be nice to me.  I asked him for his name and number.  He gave it to me.  In the back of my mind I thought he was bullshitting me, but whatever, I thought I had won.  I made him say I wasn't the guy he was looking for; when he did, he said that that was it, and he hung up.

No.  It can't be it.  I know it can't be it because I know these asshole collection agencies.  They keep calling, start to harass, then go on to threats, all in an attempt to break you and make you pay up.  I know they're going to fuck up and call me again.  Those pricks think I'm the guy who owes them money and they will not stop calling me.

So I had to take the offensive.  I call the number the guy gave me; if it didn't work, these guys aren't collection agents but some scammers that are about to charge the fuck out of my credit cards.  Instead, I get this lady.  I tell her I wanted to make sure this number checked out.  I caught her in the middle of something because she wasn't responding to my questions quickly enough and it sounded like she was harassing other people on other calls.  All I wanted to do was make sure these people never called me again about some bogus loan in a name that sounds close to mine but wasn't.

Then this woman said my last name.  That's when I became alarmed.  "How did you know my last name?" I demanded to know.

She may have gotten really busy at that point, but then she started jabbering some gibberish about social security numbers and "Why did you say this was you?" when it wasn't (if I had the right presence of mine I would've shot back, "I heard you wrong.  What, you never heard someone wrong ever?  Bitch."), then said, get this, "Why are you wasting our time?"  Wasting your time?!  You call the wrong guy and scare the shit out of me that the big bad collection agency is going to come after me for money I don't owe, and I call to make sure you're not going to be using my credit card to pay for cars and trips to Jamaica, AND I'M WASTING YOUR FUCKING TIME?!?!?!  Fuck off and die, bitch!

Blah-blah-blah no-litigation state, and then she said goodbye.  Oh, I am so pissed at this collector cunt.  This might be her telling me to buzz off so she can continue working, but I do not deserve this shit from somebody whose company holds so much power that they can fuck with my credit even when they get the wrong guy.  I'm filing a complaint with my state Attorney General.  I need somebody to know what is happening, especially if they call again.

Oh yeah, and I need to publicize these people.  I was called by a company called Tiburon Financial, based in Omaha, Neb.  The nasty bitch was ... man, I want to say her name was "Keshia," but I could totally be wrong.  She sounded black, though.  The number I was given was (888) 339-6750, and although these guys are rude, the company is legitimate.  Won't stop me from filing a complaint, or at least calling the appropriate parties to ask what could be done about this.

Fuck, they'd better not call me again.  Fuck!  I called them on my cellphone!!  They have my cell number now!!!  GODDAMMIT!!!!  Oh my fucking God, I have to get ready for war against these motherfuckers!!!!!

Triple Study Pre-Screening Rejection

I am now in full bore trying to participate in as many trial studies as possible.  It's the only job I can find these days.  It's also the only ones that I'm really OK with.  Going to an office 40 hours a week?  Ugh.

But I've stumbled upon a rough stretch lately.  I've been on the phone three times with people representing studies.  When they've asked me questions, I've said the wrong thing and was summarily rejected:

• First time was with someone whom I talked to before for this study, actually.  It's as if she didn't recognize me from before.  How heartless.  And when I said that I took allergy medicine, I got the kibosh.  Just for allergy medicine?  And didn't I tell you this already?  This was going to pay sweet money, but I had to drink this protein shake.  I probably wasn't going to be able to hide it from my parents, whom I know would ask something like, "What the fuck is this?" and we'd get into an argument.  Actually, there was a requirement that I wake up in the morning to drink the shake.  I actually qualified the first time I spoke to this woman but balked because of that.  But I convinced myself I'd adjust my sleep schedule, or lie, to take part.  Too bad I didn't qualify the second time after qualifying the first time.  Whatever the fuck that means.
• Second time I was driving and had to literally find the closest parking lot (my local post office) to talk to her.  I had things to do that day.  She seemed nice, chatted me up, blah-blah-blah.  But then she asked me if I did any other studies at the U.  My guess was that studies at the U. talk to each other, so I came clean.  And after asking me a couple light questions -- "How's it going?  Do you like it?" -- she abruptly told me I didn't qualify.  Screw you, lady.  Man, I should've lied and said I wasn't in any other studies.  The U.'s a huge bureaucracy, she wouldn't find out.  Dammit, I should've lied.
• And the last time was a couple days ago when I was having coffee in the morning.  The pre-screening questions got real personal, unlike the others, so when they asked me if I had a certain disease I had to hope the men's room was unoccupied.  It was, but my voice echoed in it, so somebody might've heard that I had ... uh, the disease she asked me about.  I knew that she was going to cut me, but again, what if I get caught lying?  She was the nicest of the three, though.

Why can't I find a study that doesn't mind having a 33-year-old, glasses-wearing, somewhat-pudgy, sort-of-diseased, ongoing study-taking, allergy medicine-popping unemployed dude as a participant?

So, Father, after telling me that you're going to be home because you have not one but two doctor's appointments Wednesday, you tell me yesterday that they're actually on Tuesday (in other words, today).  So I change my art ticket to Wednesday so you can use the car Tuesday.  But, you then tell me after coming home yesterday that you decided just to take your car to the appointments today, so I can use my own car today.  But it's too fucking late, isn't it, because now I'm rescheduled to go to the exhibition Wednesday (in other words, tomorrow).

I have all this fucking time now, and even though it's -80 million, it's safe to drive to MIA if I so choose -- which I did.  But now I go tomorrow, and it's quite a different story: 1 or 2 inches of snow.  I could've gone to the art show today and stayed home tomorrow where I'd be safe.  But fuck it, right?

Oh, who am I kidding, I'd probably just drive somewhere today and tomorrow...

Another Bullshit Thing I Hate About My Father

Sometimes he will say something good-natured towards me, then ask for something from me.  It's both a way of softening me up and a quick test to see how my attitude is.

The bullshit way he did it tonight was when I just finished climbing up the stairs.  Just got back home from a long day at work.  "So," he starts nonchalantly, even though everything he says is either a calculation or a whiny screed, "the Vikings won, huh?"

I barely got off a "Yeah, big ..." when he launches into what he really wants to say: "Son?"

Now I know what's coming.  "Yeah?!" I barked.

Then My Fucking Father yells at me about Grandmother bringing food into her room and attracting mice.  When I walked in he was giving his soul an orgasm by cleaning the kitchen cabinets.  I'm guessing he either saw a mouse when preparing dinner tonight or had thought he did in the past and only decided now to act the martyr, wash everything in the kitchen and then tell me about it.  He threatened to throw Grandmother in a nursing home.  That'll be the day.

The thing is, he's right about the rats; there are some.  Heard them scratching in the cabinets a couple times.  They needed a thorough cleaning, I just wasn't going to do it.  Mother said I need to wash the utensils before putting them out for dinner.  Gosh, do I have to?  Maybe I do -- although we haven't gotten sick from rat droppings so far.

My Fucking Father wasn't coming down on me; he needed to convey some information to my Grandmother because he thinks she's doing it, but he thinks only I can talk to her.  And he's right.  Still, I don't like the sneaky, manipulative way he went about doing it.  Typical MO of a father who has failed.  And I really wasn't liking being piled on after hearing about some he-bitch at work be a pussy over the cold.  Who do you think you are, my boss?  Asshole.

RIP, Ralph Marlin And Godfather's Pizza

Unless I'm wrong, the economy has claimed two more victims.

I was driving the other day and I saw a torn-off and shatter sign where the sign for Godfather's Pizza used to be. They apparently closed. I may have eaten there about 20 years ago, and one time about a decade ago I walked in to try and eat a lunch buffet only to walk back out because I was afraid to be seen eating at a buffet all by myself.

The one that kind of bothers me, but one I anticipated for some time, is the Ralph Marlin store at the Mall Of America. When I was working and wearing ties because I wanted to, I would buy all of my ties at Ralph Marlin, known for putting identifiable pop culture things on them. I particularly was partial to their art collection; I have Marlin ties of Homer's "American Gothic," Van Gogh's "Starry Night," and Munch's "The Scream."

But I haven't had to wear those ties for a long time now. A lot of people don't now that business suits are relegated to some very high-office positions. I sensed the end about a year ago, when I bought three ties for $15. Haven't worn them yet. I last peered in the store just before Christmas. They have a lot of nice, though loud, ties, and they tried to branch out to pajamas, but I guess it wasn't enough.

I went to the Megamall earlier this week. Went by Ralph Marlin and saw black paper over the translucent doors and windows. Sorry, dude.

One Day And My Year's Already Fucked

So it started with me turning in early last night because I needed to wake up at 9 this morning because I was afraid my parents were going to spend the holiday sleeping in and I didn't want to deal with them staying in the house with me all fucking day.  I managed to get lucid quickly, but not before I heard them leave for work.  Phew!

However, I did want some coffee for breakfast, and I toted my laptop with me.  But before I went out the door and into temps that got as high as 0 -- think about it; there was a total absence of degree outside today ... that has got to have some meaning -- I saw the new calendar my parents brought home.  It's very Chinese, so I thought, hey, I might as well plan ahead and find out when Chinese New Year is.  It falls on February 14 this year, exactly on Valentine's Day.  You want to know what else it falls on?  The trip to St. Louis I booked Christmas Day.  So I decided to change my ticket on Southwest to two weeks later.  I wanted to catch a couple Blues games before they broke for the Olympics, but now I'm going while they're still on their sabbatical.  My Plan B weekend was the first weekend in March; there's the Missouri Valley Conference men's basketball tournament then, and I thought that would be something I could do if I couldn't do anything else.  But the prices crept up beyond their sale prices for their nonstop flights; I could get the same price ticket if I stopped over in Chicago.  With weather potentially fucking everything up, and with stopping over in Chicago always like playing russian roulette with getting anywhere on time, I decided not to do it.  I love the Loo, but now I'm going on a dead weekend.  What the fuck am I going to do?

Another question that arises from this, one I don't have time to dissect now: How could an Asian man make plans without first asking himself when's Chinese New Year?

---

I wanted to go to the museum today.  (Better to avoid all those meaningless bowl games on TV.)  Unfortunately, the exhibition I wanted to see, a special loaner collection from the Lourve, was sold out.  I was told I had to reserve a spot before it left next Sunday.  Reserve a ticket for an art show?  Really???  Never heard of that before.  Well, when the "Bodies" exhibit was in the cities for the first time several years ago they went 24/7 and I got a ticket for 5 a.m.  But I never thought I'd have to buy a ticket in advance for paintings.  Whatever, there are other paintings out there, so I spent a couple hours at MIA being cultured anyway.  A productive way to start 2010, no?

---

Through the cold I drove around downtown because I thought about taking advantage of the free parking meters and diving into the downtown Hooters for a quick beer.  But the sun at 3 in the afternoon hangs real low this time of year, and it was like I was driving directly into the fucking sun.  Plus, I realized that the only sporting event on TV was the, ugh, Rose Bowl.  I decided to go to the mall close by my house because I didn't want to go home too early.  Would otherwise confront my parents, who definitely would be home early, and I didn't feel like getting into an argument over cleaning.

I wanted to eat something that counteracted the oogy feeling I had in my stomach after drinking a mocha and cookie this morning.  Hadn't had Orange Julius in a long time, so I decided to stand in line, something I had never done before at an OJ.  Pretty soon I realized things were pretty fucked up.  I was fourth in line, but we lined up in two separate lines.  Only one cash register was working: the one I wasn't lined up in front of.  And the two employees there, both short Asian kids, looked absolutely flummoxed.  The one helping the people two people in front of me was pouring popcorn into this huge tin they bought (this OJ is connected with KarmelKorn).  Then for some fucking reason the mom and daughter in front of me asked not only for popcorn but mini-donuts.  They sell mini-donuts here?  That obviously backed me up enough for a group of younguns that happened to line up in front of the working register to basically cut in front of me and order before me.  I swear, in a social situation like this, people should know that everbody is queueing up in one line; first in line, next to get served.  This is something I know I will have to address later in the year, because it'll raise its ugly fucking head once again.

Anyway, I get my small piña colada smoothie.  I start walking around, eventually going to LensCrafters to check on prices for new lenses.  But then I catch something in my straw.  I'm sucking, hard.  Nothing comes out.  I'm just sucking up the straw up into my mouth, not drinking anything.  So I disengage suction, swirl the straw around, and do it again -- Standard Operating Procedure.  But the straw clogs again.  And again.  And again.  And again.  I've never had so much trouble drinking an Orange Julius ever.  What the fuck?!

I had to sit down, open up my cup, and start examining what the hell was happening.  I look into my cup of OJ as I start sucking and immediately catch something that's too big to suck through the straw.  So I lift up the straw and see it's a huge chunk of ice.  I have to use the straw as a chopstick now so I bat it up to my mouth to eat it.  Maybe that's the problem ... no, I suck and it does it again.  Another large chunk of ice, again.  So I have to gather it up into my mouth and chew it.

This happens for the next 20 goddamn minutes.  Virtually the entire cup has these floating ice-chunk mines ready to ruin my OJ experience.  I wasn't drinking this; I was digging and picking through it like I was panning for gold.  And all I got were these icy nuggets.  And the fucking drink wasn't even fucking good, either!  Once I realized what I had to go through I had half a mind to go marching through the mall and rip these girls a new asshole for fucking up my drink.  But the only thing they probably could give me was another drink, and I wasn't hungry for that.  Besides, I might have had to wait in line.  So I just negotiated my way through The Worst, Most Labor-Intensive Orange Julius Smoothie In My Life.  And once I was done, it was about five minutes to five -- closing time this New Year's Day at the mall.

I had to pass by the OJ again on my way to my car.  There was a line.

I'm so pissed that I looked up the Orange Julius website.  Did you know they're now owned by Dairy Queen?  Sent them a complaint e-mail.  Will it work?

---

And by the way: Father, I was just trying to be proactive when asking for tuition money.  I know I can sometimes be a pain, and I probably was asking in a way that made you subconsciously gird yourself for what I was about to ask because it's a decent bet it'd be something that would annoy you.  But this is a new year in the western calendar, and I was hoping that you wouldn't be reacting like a child.  Sadly, when I thought it was a good time to ask for money during dinner when everyone seemed to be in a good mood, that's exactly what you did.  You got off on the wrong foot for 2010.

Thanks for the money, though.

Happy New Year! And It's My Blog's One-Year Anniversary!!

Can you believe it's been a year since I started this blog? Well, no one's reading this ... can I believe it's been a year since I started this blog? No!

There are three big reasons why I'm glad I started and have maintained this blog: 1) it has helped me work on my writing; 2) it's allowed me to vent my frustrations, fears, and weird thoughts and urges; and 3) I believe that my almost-daily adding to this has given me a sense of responsibility and thus pride about sticking to something.

In many ways it's been a shitty year. I still haven't found a full-time job that I like, and worst of all, I haven't found any direction. But there have been many good things about 2009, and this blog is definitely one of them.

I will go back to being pessimistic, but for right now at least, I can be happy.

Happy New Year, everyone.