I just know that he's going to say something, though. And then I'll get in trouble. Fuck, I'm new to this, but he doesn't care, he's just gonna go, "Aw, I'm trying to the best I can, but then he made me do that!" Ooh, that would so piss me off. ...
Monday, February 9, 2015
Addendum To: Alright, Just Chill The Fuck Out, OK?
I should add that I really hope no one from work tells my boss about what happened with the spreadsheets. Especially the male of The Two. Though I'm scared he'll act like a little bitch, turn around, and tell him what I did. Ratting me out, that bastard. Drama is not necessary, you panicky Hellboy -- just accept my apology and go back and delete the payments, please, without saying a damn thing.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
The Arduous Task Of Picking Out Warby Parker Glasses ... Well, Glasses In General
I have needed a new prescription for at least several years, and last month I finally went in to get an eye test. Talk about procrastinating -- it's been weeks since I got my eyes checked and I didn't tell you guys ... well, I didn't think it was blog-worthy until now.
Getting new eyeglasses are expensive. I assumed that my health insurance (which I get through the state, thank goodness) would give me a good deal on frames. But, like the last time I got new frames, the place I went to (I went to the three at the mall closest to me; one doesn't take state insurance and the other was busy when I dropped by and frankly I've been too lazy to go back there) had such a shitty, underwhelming selection that I went to Plan B: Warby Parker.
Warby Parker probably is the pre-eminent eyeware company that does most of its business online, or at least is the eyeware company with the heaviest online and social media presence, in the country. They are trying to turn glasses into a fashion statement, but they have combined stylish eyeware with affordable eye lenses to transform the eyeglasses business. In 2013 they had what they called a "class trip," a travelling store (housed in a school bus) to places in the U.S. where they didn't have stores. They hit Minneapolis (specifically Uptown) that August. I had read about this hip new glasses company, how they melded style with affordability and, despite it having a dark side to their philanthropic efforts, I fell under Warby Parker's spell and went to this bus determined to do what this Esquire article said and replace the Ray-Bans that were so wide they would slip off my face if I leaned forward for a long time with the Everett in midnight blue. And I did and the bus was cool and so were the people helping me. And the sunglasses were shipped a little later and, even though I wonder if the sunglass frames are too big for me, they do not slip off my face, and therefore I am happy.
---
Before ordering my glasses at the WP website, I started to obsess over something that I wondered about the last time I was purchasing new frames: What kind of eyelgass frames are best for my face shape? And there's a concurrent question: What is my face shape? Searching for that, I somehow (I don't remember how) stumbled onto a website about the best type of frames for Asian faces, and then I was reading about the difficulty Asians have of finding glasses that fit -- not face shape, just glasses that accommodate our faces. Honestly, I have never known until now that my people have regular difficulty with finding eyeglasses for our smaller nose bridge (I think my nose is kind of fat myself) and high cheekbones. So now I have to worry about this, too?
It was at this point did I realize that I fell into a rabbit hole, and I had two issues to deal with: What kind of shape is my face, and what features on a frame will fit a Chinese face like mine? There is a website of a San Francisco-based Warby Parker-esque company catering to Asian glass-wearers that will tell you what kind of shape you have (and which of their glasses would look best on you) if you send them a photo. I did, and the person who told me said I have an oblong shape. Later, when doing some independent research on what kind of frame shapes fit oblong faces, I ran into many sites that have answers for oval faces, but not oblong. So there are no frame shapes that make an oblong face like mine look good? Or am I to think that oval and oblong are pretty much the same thing? I kind of think they are. In fact, after looking in the mirror a few times I can be persuaded to believe that my face in fact has an oval shape. But can I really just find frames that go with oval faces? I don't know. It's a pain in the ass.
After sending her measurements of the WP Everett I wear, I was given five frames -- and none of them look like the small oval glasses I prefer. Really? These kinds that I wear don't look good on me? I'm shocked. I always thought that big, chunky glasses call too much attention to me and my face. I always thought that these ovals make me look understated and intelligent -- or, in other words, Chinese. But I guess I was wrong all this time. Seriously, from, like, my second pair of glasses I have had small oval glasses. Guess I was doing my face no favors.
For all their efforts I was completely prepared to give them my business. But then I checked, and the cheapest of the five recommended frames is $250. Whoa, no thanks. (That's why I'm not naming or linking to the company.) There were a couple other companies that I looked into online, but one had all but one style that I would not put on my face even at gunpoint, and the other was so difficult to navigate for glasses online that I cannot on principle give my money to a company that frustrates me with a bad website. In other words, back to Warby Parker.
But how will I know if the WP eyeglass frames I get have the padding on the nose bridge so they will fit on Asian noses? I was going to rely on its Try-At-Home feature, where they mail you five frames so you can see how they look on your face, and then you ship them back, all for free. I didn't want to do it because I just wanted to be done with it, but now I'm obsessed that I'm getting non-Asian eyeglasses. Luckily, I stumbled onto this blog post where a guy was so kind-hearted as to tell me which of the frames are, um, Asian-worthy.
Some styles have been discontinued since his post, but there are nine that fit me. I can only ask for five frames for the Try-At-Home. After considering the dimensions, lens width and frame shape of my WP sunglasses and those of the nine that fit me, and using the five frames I was sent from this Asian glasses company as models (I honestly did not understand the description the person gave me for the frames that look best on me; she said I need an angular frame that's deeper vertically -- what the hell does that mean?!), I think I've settled on five that probably look good on me. They're a mix of the Everett and some sizes both larger and smaller, a couple square-shaped like the Everett and some that are rectangular and round. If I'm not totally happy with the way my sunglasses look on me, the five should give me a better alternative, even though I would have been happier with more choices (hell, I'd be happier with going to a WP store).
I had to break some ties with some of the glasses I am about to order for Try-At-Home. In the end I axed two for superficial reasons. One shares the name of a certain asshole governor of a state bordering us. (Esquire's Charlie Pierce has an excellent article on him; I think he'll be the Koch Brothers-backed Republican nominee for President, and I'm really scared that he'll win.) The other shares the name of The Asshole who yelled at me at work. Look, I don't have tangible reasons to reject these glasses, but thinking about it I don't want the wear their names on my face, OK?
So at some point I'm going to settle on which color of each of these five frames I want, then I am going to ask for Warby Parker to send these glasses to me, and I'll hopefully tolerate one of them, and then I'll take out $95 from my HSA and finally get new glasses, that are appropriate for my weird oblong face, and finally see properly. Didn't think it'd take this long or be this complicated, but maybe it is, or maybe I wanted it to be this hard.
Getting new eyeglasses are expensive. I assumed that my health insurance (which I get through the state, thank goodness) would give me a good deal on frames. But, like the last time I got new frames, the place I went to (I went to the three at the mall closest to me; one doesn't take state insurance and the other was busy when I dropped by and frankly I've been too lazy to go back there) had such a shitty, underwhelming selection that I went to Plan B: Warby Parker.
Warby Parker probably is the pre-eminent eyeware company that does most of its business online, or at least is the eyeware company with the heaviest online and social media presence, in the country. They are trying to turn glasses into a fashion statement, but they have combined stylish eyeware with affordable eye lenses to transform the eyeglasses business. In 2013 they had what they called a "class trip," a travelling store (housed in a school bus) to places in the U.S. where they didn't have stores. They hit Minneapolis (specifically Uptown) that August. I had read about this hip new glasses company, how they melded style with affordability and, despite it having a dark side to their philanthropic efforts, I fell under Warby Parker's spell and went to this bus determined to do what this Esquire article said and replace the Ray-Bans that were so wide they would slip off my face if I leaned forward for a long time with the Everett in midnight blue. And I did and the bus was cool and so were the people helping me. And the sunglasses were shipped a little later and, even though I wonder if the sunglass frames are too big for me, they do not slip off my face, and therefore I am happy.
---
Before ordering my glasses at the WP website, I started to obsess over something that I wondered about the last time I was purchasing new frames: What kind of eyelgass frames are best for my face shape? And there's a concurrent question: What is my face shape? Searching for that, I somehow (I don't remember how) stumbled onto a website about the best type of frames for Asian faces, and then I was reading about the difficulty Asians have of finding glasses that fit -- not face shape, just glasses that accommodate our faces. Honestly, I have never known until now that my people have regular difficulty with finding eyeglasses for our smaller nose bridge (I think my nose is kind of fat myself) and high cheekbones. So now I have to worry about this, too?
It was at this point did I realize that I fell into a rabbit hole, and I had two issues to deal with: What kind of shape is my face, and what features on a frame will fit a Chinese face like mine? There is a website of a San Francisco-based Warby Parker-esque company catering to Asian glass-wearers that will tell you what kind of shape you have (and which of their glasses would look best on you) if you send them a photo. I did, and the person who told me said I have an oblong shape. Later, when doing some independent research on what kind of frame shapes fit oblong faces, I ran into many sites that have answers for oval faces, but not oblong. So there are no frame shapes that make an oblong face like mine look good? Or am I to think that oval and oblong are pretty much the same thing? I kind of think they are. In fact, after looking in the mirror a few times I can be persuaded to believe that my face in fact has an oval shape. But can I really just find frames that go with oval faces? I don't know. It's a pain in the ass.
After sending her measurements of the WP Everett I wear, I was given five frames -- and none of them look like the small oval glasses I prefer. Really? These kinds that I wear don't look good on me? I'm shocked. I always thought that big, chunky glasses call too much attention to me and my face. I always thought that these ovals make me look understated and intelligent -- or, in other words, Chinese. But I guess I was wrong all this time. Seriously, from, like, my second pair of glasses I have had small oval glasses. Guess I was doing my face no favors.
For all their efforts I was completely prepared to give them my business. But then I checked, and the cheapest of the five recommended frames is $250. Whoa, no thanks. (That's why I'm not naming or linking to the company.) There were a couple other companies that I looked into online, but one had all but one style that I would not put on my face even at gunpoint, and the other was so difficult to navigate for glasses online that I cannot on principle give my money to a company that frustrates me with a bad website. In other words, back to Warby Parker.
But how will I know if the WP eyeglass frames I get have the padding on the nose bridge so they will fit on Asian noses? I was going to rely on its Try-At-Home feature, where they mail you five frames so you can see how they look on your face, and then you ship them back, all for free. I didn't want to do it because I just wanted to be done with it, but now I'm obsessed that I'm getting non-Asian eyeglasses. Luckily, I stumbled onto this blog post where a guy was so kind-hearted as to tell me which of the frames are, um, Asian-worthy.
Some styles have been discontinued since his post, but there are nine that fit me. I can only ask for five frames for the Try-At-Home. After considering the dimensions, lens width and frame shape of my WP sunglasses and those of the nine that fit me, and using the five frames I was sent from this Asian glasses company as models (I honestly did not understand the description the person gave me for the frames that look best on me; she said I need an angular frame that's deeper vertically -- what the hell does that mean?!), I think I've settled on five that probably look good on me. They're a mix of the Everett and some sizes both larger and smaller, a couple square-shaped like the Everett and some that are rectangular and round. If I'm not totally happy with the way my sunglasses look on me, the five should give me a better alternative, even though I would have been happier with more choices (hell, I'd be happier with going to a WP store).
I had to break some ties with some of the glasses I am about to order for Try-At-Home. In the end I axed two for superficial reasons. One shares the name of a certain asshole governor of a state bordering us. (Esquire's Charlie Pierce has an excellent article on him; I think he'll be the Koch Brothers-backed Republican nominee for President, and I'm really scared that he'll win.) The other shares the name of The Asshole who yelled at me at work. Look, I don't have tangible reasons to reject these glasses, but thinking about it I don't want the wear their names on my face, OK?
So at some point I'm going to settle on which color of each of these five frames I want, then I am going to ask for Warby Parker to send these glasses to me, and I'll hopefully tolerate one of them, and then I'll take out $95 from my HSA and finally get new glasses, that are appropriate for my weird oblong face, and finally see properly. Didn't think it'd take this long or be this complicated, but maybe it is, or maybe I wanted it to be this hard.
Alright, Just Chill The Fuck Out, OK?
Without giving too much away -- probably wouldn't be able to explain it even if I thought I'd be able to tell you everything -- we're putting payments into our system now, so we have to worry about the total of amounts we put in for each claim equal the total amount of the check. So far -- and we probably have gone through five checks, about half -- it hasn't.
Friday afternoon I realized why. Again, without getting too deep into it, I know that for some of the packets, payments should not be applied to all of the names on the list. We have many checks. Each check is supposed to be for this huge roster (in spreadsheet form) of names. Meanwhile, we were going off of a different spreadsheet, or in this case, spreadsheets. Those are not organized by roster; they're organized by packet. They are different, because the names on a certain packet may have been moved by us to a different insurance company after a roster has been sent (and I send a roster every week). So I send in an entire roster which includes some names out of this packet. Later I learn that there are new names that have to be sent on a new roster. You would not specifically know that, however, on the spreadsheet we are applying payments from unless you know where to look. I and the male of The Two have not; we've just been shotgunning the names that we see.
I realized this and remember that one of the full-timers said that we're not balancing. So I told her, because she needs to know, and it's probably better for me that she gets pissed at me now and not later. I told the male of The Two, and as usual he pissed and moaned about it like a bitch, then talked about it to the full-timer behind my back. So I had to step in and show the two where on the spreadsheet you can (at least I hope you can) see which payments come from which check. I don't think going over the spreadsheets we've done will be a hard, just long, and I don't know if it's going to be even be that long.
So all we have to do is, at some point, probably Monday, we'll go through the spreadsheets we've already gone through and remove payments of any person if the information attached to that person shows that it's part of a roster of a different check. That's all. I think. And then the numbers will balance out. I hope. So let's just chill the fuck out. Please. For me.
Man, maybe I should look forward to losing this job.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Finally!
I alluded to the other stripper party I went to one weekend when I blogged about the first party I went to this same weekend, and because it makes me happy (plus I promised I would), I'll document it here. Hope replaying the day makes my dick hard.
The party was at some guy's place -- who, thankfully, was nowhere to be seen the half-hour or so I was there. This was in a secluded part of the Twin Cities, truly an "over the river and through the woods"-type of place. Moreover, street parking was at a premium, so when the two strippers who were there told me I could park on the driveway without a permit, I did so fearing that a car would be going down the road too fast and hit my car. I'll take the risk in order to get what I want from here.
As soon as I get in and survey the place for other guys, I ask what I usually ask the dancers that are there: "Are there no other guys there?" And *****a, the girl who invited me, said there's no sausage there, not even the host.
Well, you know what that means.
Seeing me there spurred them to get into work mode. *****a got out her iPhone and flipped it to Pandora, which was going to supply the music they were going to "dance" to. While crouching down and getting it to the station she wanted, I, standing right beside her, reached into my open fly and took It out. Surprise! She gave my penis a back-handed slap. "But you said you wanted to see it!" I replied.
And ... for the next few minutes I just let it hang out. The front door was wide open, and I exposed myself in the living room just to its right, so I had to make damn sure I re-holstered myself as soon as a guy approached. But I didn't dare just walk around with my cock hanging out either. I kind of was ... standing where I was, with my little man given space to breathe. Both of the girls who were there (there was supposed to be four total at this all-day party) walked by, looked at It, and smirked.
The other stripper, who is named ... uh, maybe I'll give her name some other time ... she was on her way to the kitchen as I was soft and out. The rules of this party changed from what *****a told me earlier that week: Despite my horniness, this was supposed to be a "clean" party, but *****a said that there were rooms available for "dirty" stuff. That complicated a bunch of things. One, of course, is money -- namely, I didn't bring enough. The other is figuring out which of the girls do do nasty shit and which ones don't. While the rules did change, *****a assured me that some girls are there just to dance, not to touch. So, for this goth girl who has wicked tattoos all over the place, I didn't know if she did or didn't.
I was also trying to calculate getting a dance (or "dance") from all the girls there while getting home in time for dinner. Time was short, so I had to get cracking. My hope was to get down and dirty with *****a first, but she was busy and she encouraged me to start with the other girl. So, sensing that she doesn't want to play, I put myself back in, went to the kitchen, and asked for a dance. And getting my wires crossed, I asked for a room. The simple dances are $20 and out in the couches, but I was hoping that she would touch my pee-pee after all, despite my thinking that she wouldn't.
In the room, I took my shirt off, but kept my pants on and my dick inside. She got on top of me on this bed (with a great view of the woods in the backyard, BTW) and I think changed her mind and took off her panties, showing her completely shaven twat. Boob-touching was OK, as it is in all of these house parties. But when I moved my hands to her down-there place, she grabbed them and threw them by my side. That leads me to believe she wouldn't give me a handjob. But she did lift me up off of the bed once were done.
Damn shame that she isn't perverted like me. She is beautiful.
---
I was still the only customer/guy at the party, which had technically started about 45 minutes ago after getting a dance from that stripper. I was under a time crunch, but I really want to let go and enjoy myself when there's no other guys around. So I roped *****a back to the room as soon as I could.
Finally it was time for her to make good on the sexytime she promised when she said she wanted to see my cock. Upon entering the room I immediately took off my pants and laid down on the bed. (She gave me the option of "dancing" standing up. Since there's no actual dancing involved, I wonder if it would be easier to get off if I weren't lying down.) *****a laid next to me and, just like that, clasped her left hand around my semi-flaccid member and jacked and twisted it and whatnot. Wish I were more aroused by the situation; really, I was anticipating something like this for some time, and I had to look down to see me being controlled by her to actually believe it was true. Unfortunately, I didn't think it was going to happen at this party. She told me it was clean; I only came because I had refused an invite from her before, and I wanted to remain in her good graces when the time came where she would be able to work like a whore.
Fortunately she was good for the one dance I could afford her. Even better, she only charged me $40 for that one song (she took her Pandora-loaded iPhone into the room with us; it didn't have to be out in the living room because no one else was there). Now, there's a five-buck "charge for the room," and because she touched me for the very first time, I rounded up to $50. But for handies, that's a damn good bargain.
There was a guy who finally came to the party when I stepped out of the bedroom. Was there an hour, tops. Good thing I didn't really let loose and scream. Still would feel much more comfortable if there were no other customers and I can arrange a one-on-one. But that will be for another time.
The party was at some guy's place -- who, thankfully, was nowhere to be seen the half-hour or so I was there. This was in a secluded part of the Twin Cities, truly an "over the river and through the woods"-type of place. Moreover, street parking was at a premium, so when the two strippers who were there told me I could park on the driveway without a permit, I did so fearing that a car would be going down the road too fast and hit my car. I'll take the risk in order to get what I want from here.
As soon as I get in and survey the place for other guys, I ask what I usually ask the dancers that are there: "Are there no other guys there?" And *****a, the girl who invited me, said there's no sausage there, not even the host.
Well, you know what that means.
Seeing me there spurred them to get into work mode. *****a got out her iPhone and flipped it to Pandora, which was going to supply the music they were going to "dance" to. While crouching down and getting it to the station she wanted, I, standing right beside her, reached into my open fly and took It out. Surprise! She gave my penis a back-handed slap. "But you said you wanted to see it!" I replied.
And ... for the next few minutes I just let it hang out. The front door was wide open, and I exposed myself in the living room just to its right, so I had to make damn sure I re-holstered myself as soon as a guy approached. But I didn't dare just walk around with my cock hanging out either. I kind of was ... standing where I was, with my little man given space to breathe. Both of the girls who were there (there was supposed to be four total at this all-day party) walked by, looked at It, and smirked.
The other stripper, who is named ... uh, maybe I'll give her name some other time ... she was on her way to the kitchen as I was soft and out. The rules of this party changed from what *****a told me earlier that week: Despite my horniness, this was supposed to be a "clean" party, but *****a said that there were rooms available for "dirty" stuff. That complicated a bunch of things. One, of course, is money -- namely, I didn't bring enough. The other is figuring out which of the girls do do nasty shit and which ones don't. While the rules did change, *****a assured me that some girls are there just to dance, not to touch. So, for this goth girl who has wicked tattoos all over the place, I didn't know if she did or didn't.
I was also trying to calculate getting a dance (or "dance") from all the girls there while getting home in time for dinner. Time was short, so I had to get cracking. My hope was to get down and dirty with *****a first, but she was busy and she encouraged me to start with the other girl. So, sensing that she doesn't want to play, I put myself back in, went to the kitchen, and asked for a dance. And getting my wires crossed, I asked for a room. The simple dances are $20 and out in the couches, but I was hoping that she would touch my pee-pee after all, despite my thinking that she wouldn't.
In the room, I took my shirt off, but kept my pants on and my dick inside. She got on top of me on this bed (with a great view of the woods in the backyard, BTW) and I think changed her mind and took off her panties, showing her completely shaven twat. Boob-touching was OK, as it is in all of these house parties. But when I moved my hands to her down-there place, she grabbed them and threw them by my side. That leads me to believe she wouldn't give me a handjob. But she did lift me up off of the bed once were done.
Damn shame that she isn't perverted like me. She is beautiful.
---
I was still the only customer/guy at the party, which had technically started about 45 minutes ago after getting a dance from that stripper. I was under a time crunch, but I really want to let go and enjoy myself when there's no other guys around. So I roped *****a back to the room as soon as I could.
Finally it was time for her to make good on the sexytime she promised when she said she wanted to see my cock. Upon entering the room I immediately took off my pants and laid down on the bed. (She gave me the option of "dancing" standing up. Since there's no actual dancing involved, I wonder if it would be easier to get off if I weren't lying down.) *****a laid next to me and, just like that, clasped her left hand around my semi-flaccid member and jacked and twisted it and whatnot. Wish I were more aroused by the situation; really, I was anticipating something like this for some time, and I had to look down to see me being controlled by her to actually believe it was true. Unfortunately, I didn't think it was going to happen at this party. She told me it was clean; I only came because I had refused an invite from her before, and I wanted to remain in her good graces when the time came where she would be able to work like a whore.
Fortunately she was good for the one dance I could afford her. Even better, she only charged me $40 for that one song (she took her Pandora-loaded iPhone into the room with us; it didn't have to be out in the living room because no one else was there). Now, there's a five-buck "charge for the room," and because she touched me for the very first time, I rounded up to $50. But for handies, that's a damn good bargain.
There was a guy who finally came to the party when I stepped out of the bedroom. Was there an hour, tops. Good thing I didn't really let loose and scream. Still would feel much more comfortable if there were no other customers and I can arrange a one-on-one. But that will be for another time.
Friday, February 6, 2015
For Me, 7:30 Equals 7 And Whenever Means I'm Done
I need to confess something: Even though my workday technically starts at 7, I usually get to work by 7:30, but I put 7 on my timesheet. It was a little after all the other temps were fired where I didn't feel the need to get there when everybody else did and I was largely left to my own devices. That's when I slowly started slipping that way, now to the point where I'm regularly half an hour behind where I usually start.
The thing is, I still wake up at around the same time as before. I think that I allow myself some time to dink around the Internet before work. I don't shoot up out of bed and immediately begin my day like I did when I was younger. Don't know why; maybe I should just ratchet my alarm back 15 minutes. But that would mean I'll be late for work.
Also, I'm fudging the time I leave work. I figure that since I've stayed past eight hours so often during the middle of the project, I can cut a few minutes off of work here and there. My boss even said that if I stay late, I can leave early some days. Well, I stayed about 30 minutes late for days in a row. Now is the time I take those minutes back. Now I just hope he doesn't get too upset.
---
Had thoughts about getting in early today, just because. But I typed this instead. Oh well -- 7:30 it is!
The thing is, I still wake up at around the same time as before. I think that I allow myself some time to dink around the Internet before work. I don't shoot up out of bed and immediately begin my day like I did when I was younger. Don't know why; maybe I should just ratchet my alarm back 15 minutes. But that would mean I'll be late for work.
Also, I'm fudging the time I leave work. I figure that since I've stayed past eight hours so often during the middle of the project, I can cut a few minutes off of work here and there. My boss even said that if I stay late, I can leave early some days. Well, I stayed about 30 minutes late for days in a row. Now is the time I take those minutes back. Now I just hope he doesn't get too upset.
---
Had thoughts about getting in early today, just because. But I typed this instead. Oh well -- 7:30 it is!
Thursday, February 5, 2015
The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey
#-1: Wild (Last Week: -2). In an overall down week for Minnesota sports, the Mild make a rare return to the top, by virtue of a 3-0 screening week. They defeat Calgary and Vancouver on the road (those wins plus a victory over Edmonton complete a Prairie Province sweep), then they whipped a hungover Chicago Blackhawks team at Xcel Energy Center 3-0. They remain well on the outside looking in, but this is the first time they've won four in a row since mid-November.
I, like many Wild fans, were getting very anxious about a month ago when they were in a world-class rut. I was kind of panicking to the point where, although I didn't think trading players and/or firing Head Coach Mike Yeo would solve anything, I would understand if those changes were made, because in times of trouble changes are always made. But two things happened, and both happened kind of passively. First is the team waited for Zach Parise to come back from injury and the death of his father, North Stars great J.P. Parise. With the possible exception of Jason Zucker and Marco Scandella at points in the season (Scandella much more so lately), Parise has been the best player for a greater part of the season. His return rekindled a spirit, a drive, and a professionalism that has spread through the rest of the team. The other thing was a change: A mid-level draft pick traded to Arizona for Goalie Devan Dubnyk. Although he's played only eight games, he already has outplayed Darcy Kuemper and Nicklas Backstrom, combined, this year. Forget about standing on your head; someone who can competently stop easy shots has apparently provided a lift for this team.
Hey, this squad has enough talent to be really good -- assuming that they play without injury and at their best, every game, at 100%. They seem to have all the pieces in place now, so who knows if they can re-enter the playoff picture?
The Wild beat the 'Hawks Tuesday. They next play The Bastard Quebec Nordiques Saturday at home, then host Vancouver Monday before heading up north to play Winnipeg the next night.
#-2: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -1). A little blip this week. Technically they swept Ohio St. at Ridder, but Friday's game went to a shootout, which they won, but it goes down as a tie. And since I predicted they would have no trouble against the Buckeyes and they did, it made #1 this week really easy.
Still waiting for the inevitable (fingers crossed) final tilt against Boston College on the campus of the U. At North Dakota this week. I will not make any predictions about how easy that series should be.
#-3: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -5). The season is just about gone; it's not College Basketball Invitational or bust for this club. But hey, at least they dominated a very disappointing Nebraska team at Williams Arena Saturday, 60-42. They have a week off inbetween games; they host Purdue Saturday, then visit Iowa early Thursday evening.
#-4: Timberwolves (Last Week: -4). Look, Flip. Your team sucks. The only notoriety it has right now is you trading away its best player, Kevin Love, to the team that came to town last weekend. It also is one of the few things you can show your community that it has a sense of humor. And, it was funny. To criticize it as not funny is 1) wrong and 2) you taking umbrage when you are in no position to piss and moan about anything. This franchise has been a joke virtually from Day One. The "country club" image this organization has portrayed ever since Glen Taylor bought the team was only reinforced when you came down from your ivory tower in the front office to lead a search for a new Head Coach -- only to name yourself to the post, to the surprise of absolutely no one. The injuries don't help what is so far a single-digit win season, but nevertheless the squad you lead is once again looking up from the bottom. So please, just give us this.
Rant over. Having said all that, I think there is a similarity between the Woofie Dogs and the Wild in the sense that, even though the outlook is far from rosy, and the Wolves are still on the bottom, they may -- just may -- have turned a corner. Kevin Martin, Nikola Pekovic and Ricky Rubio are all back, and even though they lost the first three games of the week, they fought back from a ten-point deficit late in regulation to defeat Miami last (Wednesday) night, 102-101. The Heat were without Dwyane Wade, Rubio had to risk butting up against his minutes quota, and Miami had three chances to win the game at the very end. But without all their starters, Miami would have won going away.
The team seems transformed just by the return of Rubio. It was good to finally see someone who has the court vision and the passing skills to direct an offense. That's why I still think he is incredibly vital to the Timberwolves' long-term prospects. So what if he has no arc on his jump shot? Ricky Ricky can do filthy shit like this:
Frankly, that's why I think that, with all hands on deck, this team could have been the best 30-win team the NBA has seen in a long time. This week: Home to Memphis, at Detroit, then arguably (or inarguably?) the best team in each conference (Atlanta and Golden State) come to town.
#-5: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -Infinity). This squad has no room for error. They have to win every single game from now till the end of the year to even get consideration for inclusion in the NCAA Tournament. They didn't do that at Wisconsin over the weekend. They had a thrilling 7-5 victory over the Badgers Friday where they scored four goals in 100 seconds (and three of those goals in only 39 seconds; I was at My Favorite Stripclub [Non-Cover Edition] and was half watching the game and half having boobs in my face, and when I saw the score change and change and change again I was like, "Holy shit!"), but then they dropped a shootout 4-4 loss Saturday.
I shouldn't be totally down on that tie/loss. The Gophs were actually down 4-3, but with two seconds to go, Seth Ambroz scored to send the game to extended play. For that and the three other goals he scored in the Badger series, Ambroz was named B1G Second Star Of The Week.
On the downside: Connor Reilly, Sophomore Forward the team's leading scorer, is out indefinitely after getting kneed by Wisconsin's Corbin McGuire in the knee in the Saturday game. McGuire will miss Wisky's next game; who knows when Reilly returns. Regardless, Minnesota's hopes of getting back into the tournament are now dead and gone. Host Ohio St. this weekend.
#-6: Swarm (Last Week: 0). The team is now 2-2 after losing at Buffalo Friday, 15-12. The Smarm actually outscored the Bandits 9-4 in the second half, but couldn't climb out of the 11-3 hole they dug themselves in the first half.
After a month of not playing at the X, they get back-to-back Fridays at home. Tomorrow (Friday) night they host Rochester.
#-7: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -3). OK, now I'm worried. In last week's WMNSS I really thought that beating Northwestern in Evanston was a gimme. That was before I saw that the Wildcats did not have a crappy record. What was crap was the Goofs' performance that Sunday afternoon: 70-49. Only 49 points? Did they hit a wall or something?
They might have; right now, as of press time, they're getting the shit kicked out of them by Illinois on the road. If the deficit holds, this team, which started the season 14-1, would now lose four of their last five. And while they would remain a tournament team (Charlie Creme has downgraded Minnesota to an 8-seed, but website College Sports Madness has them on the 5-line -- why such a disparity?), they are no longer a lock. And that terrifies me, because they have nowhere to go but down. After this they have home games against Michigan St. and Wisconsin.
#-Infinity: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: Positive Numbers). Ugh, what a thud. I got to my seat (13,630 packed the Barn, so thank you to the guy who gave me a ticket so I wouldn't have to stand in line) just about a couple minutes before Iowa's Nick Moore, then the seventh-ranked grappler at 165 lbs., pinned Brandon Kingsley to start the dual. Then at 174, #2 Mike Evans beat Minnesota's Logan Storley (ranked fourth) in Overtime. That made it Iowa 9-0, and frankly, that was that. In a matchup of 1 vs. 2, the second-ranked Hawkeyes come into Minneapolis and destroy the top-ranked Gophers easily, 23-12.
What a fucking buzzkill. When was the last time a Twin Cities sports team won a big game at home? It took me a while to think. I first thought of the Lynx during its championship season in 2013, but they were favored in every game at home, and they won. I don't think that counts, you know? So I would go back to the University of Minnesota mens's basketball team, Tuesday, February 26, 2013, aka Tubby Smith's last season. Indiana, ranked first in the country, came to Williams Arena. Now, on paper the Hoosiers were the more talented team. But the Gophers were good enough for everyone here to think that they had a chance, and in fact a pretty good chance, to spring the upset. And they did. The Goofs' meet would also have sufficed, but if only Kingsley had merely lost instead of got pinned ... and if only Storley got the Takedown before Evans ... well, they still would have lost.
I thought being at home was going to be the advantage the Gophers needed. But I didn't realize until I got a program that Iowa had the higher-ranked wrestler in seven of the ten matches. In retrospect, I don't see how Iowa hasn't been ranked #1 from the start. They are now, in both dual meet and tournament rankings. Minnesota is a solid #2; if they were dropped lower for their embarrassing defeat, I would've understood. And unless something drastic changes, they no longer are the team to beat in the NCAA championships, and the Twin Cities will go begging for a title in something for another year.
The club finishes the regular season with road contests against #5 Ohio St. tomorrow (Friday) and Maryland Sunday.
I, like many Wild fans, were getting very anxious about a month ago when they were in a world-class rut. I was kind of panicking to the point where, although I didn't think trading players and/or firing Head Coach Mike Yeo would solve anything, I would understand if those changes were made, because in times of trouble changes are always made. But two things happened, and both happened kind of passively. First is the team waited for Zach Parise to come back from injury and the death of his father, North Stars great J.P. Parise. With the possible exception of Jason Zucker and Marco Scandella at points in the season (Scandella much more so lately), Parise has been the best player for a greater part of the season. His return rekindled a spirit, a drive, and a professionalism that has spread through the rest of the team. The other thing was a change: A mid-level draft pick traded to Arizona for Goalie Devan Dubnyk. Although he's played only eight games, he already has outplayed Darcy Kuemper and Nicklas Backstrom, combined, this year. Forget about standing on your head; someone who can competently stop easy shots has apparently provided a lift for this team.
Hey, this squad has enough talent to be really good -- assuming that they play without injury and at their best, every game, at 100%. They seem to have all the pieces in place now, so who knows if they can re-enter the playoff picture?
The Wild beat the 'Hawks Tuesday. They next play The Bastard Quebec Nordiques Saturday at home, then host Vancouver Monday before heading up north to play Winnipeg the next night.
#-2: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -1). A little blip this week. Technically they swept Ohio St. at Ridder, but Friday's game went to a shootout, which they won, but it goes down as a tie. And since I predicted they would have no trouble against the Buckeyes and they did, it made #1 this week really easy.
Still waiting for the inevitable (fingers crossed) final tilt against Boston College on the campus of the U. At North Dakota this week. I will not make any predictions about how easy that series should be.
#-3: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -5). The season is just about gone; it's not College Basketball Invitational or bust for this club. But hey, at least they dominated a very disappointing Nebraska team at Williams Arena Saturday, 60-42. They have a week off inbetween games; they host Purdue Saturday, then visit Iowa early Thursday evening.
#-4: Timberwolves (Last Week: -4). Look, Flip. Your team sucks. The only notoriety it has right now is you trading away its best player, Kevin Love, to the team that came to town last weekend. It also is one of the few things you can show your community that it has a sense of humor. And, it was funny. To criticize it as not funny is 1) wrong and 2) you taking umbrage when you are in no position to piss and moan about anything. This franchise has been a joke virtually from Day One. The "country club" image this organization has portrayed ever since Glen Taylor bought the team was only reinforced when you came down from your ivory tower in the front office to lead a search for a new Head Coach -- only to name yourself to the post, to the surprise of absolutely no one. The injuries don't help what is so far a single-digit win season, but nevertheless the squad you lead is once again looking up from the bottom. So please, just give us this.
Rant over. Having said all that, I think there is a similarity between the Woofie Dogs and the Wild in the sense that, even though the outlook is far from rosy, and the Wolves are still on the bottom, they may -- just may -- have turned a corner. Kevin Martin, Nikola Pekovic and Ricky Rubio are all back, and even though they lost the first three games of the week, they fought back from a ten-point deficit late in regulation to defeat Miami last (Wednesday) night, 102-101. The Heat were without Dwyane Wade, Rubio had to risk butting up against his minutes quota, and Miami had three chances to win the game at the very end. But without all their starters, Miami would have won going away.
The team seems transformed just by the return of Rubio. It was good to finally see someone who has the court vision and the passing skills to direct an offense. That's why I still think he is incredibly vital to the Timberwolves' long-term prospects. So what if he has no arc on his jump shot? Ricky Ricky can do filthy shit like this:
Frankly, that's why I think that, with all hands on deck, this team could have been the best 30-win team the NBA has seen in a long time. This week: Home to Memphis, at Detroit, then arguably (or inarguably?) the best team in each conference (Atlanta and Golden State) come to town.
#-5: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -Infinity). This squad has no room for error. They have to win every single game from now till the end of the year to even get consideration for inclusion in the NCAA Tournament. They didn't do that at Wisconsin over the weekend. They had a thrilling 7-5 victory over the Badgers Friday where they scored four goals in 100 seconds (and three of those goals in only 39 seconds; I was at My Favorite Stripclub [Non-Cover Edition] and was half watching the game and half having boobs in my face, and when I saw the score change and change and change again I was like, "Holy shit!"), but then they dropped a shootout 4-4 loss Saturday.
I shouldn't be totally down on that tie/loss. The Gophs were actually down 4-3, but with two seconds to go, Seth Ambroz scored to send the game to extended play. For that and the three other goals he scored in the Badger series, Ambroz was named B1G Second Star Of The Week.
On the downside: Connor Reilly, Sophomore Forward the team's leading scorer, is out indefinitely after getting kneed by Wisconsin's Corbin McGuire in the knee in the Saturday game. McGuire will miss Wisky's next game; who knows when Reilly returns. Regardless, Minnesota's hopes of getting back into the tournament are now dead and gone. Host Ohio St. this weekend.
#-6: Swarm (Last Week: 0). The team is now 2-2 after losing at Buffalo Friday, 15-12. The Smarm actually outscored the Bandits 9-4 in the second half, but couldn't climb out of the 11-3 hole they dug themselves in the first half.
After a month of not playing at the X, they get back-to-back Fridays at home. Tomorrow (Friday) night they host Rochester.
#-7: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -3). OK, now I'm worried. In last week's WMNSS I really thought that beating Northwestern in Evanston was a gimme. That was before I saw that the Wildcats did not have a crappy record. What was crap was the Goofs' performance that Sunday afternoon: 70-49. Only 49 points? Did they hit a wall or something?
They might have; right now, as of press time, they're getting the shit kicked out of them by Illinois on the road. If the deficit holds, this team, which started the season 14-1, would now lose four of their last five. And while they would remain a tournament team (Charlie Creme has downgraded Minnesota to an 8-seed, but website College Sports Madness has them on the 5-line -- why such a disparity?), they are no longer a lock. And that terrifies me, because they have nowhere to go but down. After this they have home games against Michigan St. and Wisconsin.
#-Infinity: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: Positive Numbers). Ugh, what a thud. I got to my seat (13,630 packed the Barn, so thank you to the guy who gave me a ticket so I wouldn't have to stand in line) just about a couple minutes before Iowa's Nick Moore, then the seventh-ranked grappler at 165 lbs., pinned Brandon Kingsley to start the dual. Then at 174, #2 Mike Evans beat Minnesota's Logan Storley (ranked fourth) in Overtime. That made it Iowa 9-0, and frankly, that was that. In a matchup of 1 vs. 2, the second-ranked Hawkeyes come into Minneapolis and destroy the top-ranked Gophers easily, 23-12.
What a fucking buzzkill. When was the last time a Twin Cities sports team won a big game at home? It took me a while to think. I first thought of the Lynx during its championship season in 2013, but they were favored in every game at home, and they won. I don't think that counts, you know? So I would go back to the University of Minnesota mens's basketball team, Tuesday, February 26, 2013, aka Tubby Smith's last season. Indiana, ranked first in the country, came to Williams Arena. Now, on paper the Hoosiers were the more talented team. But the Gophers were good enough for everyone here to think that they had a chance, and in fact a pretty good chance, to spring the upset. And they did. The Goofs' meet would also have sufficed, but if only Kingsley had merely lost instead of got pinned ... and if only Storley got the Takedown before Evans ... well, they still would have lost.
I thought being at home was going to be the advantage the Gophers needed. But I didn't realize until I got a program that Iowa had the higher-ranked wrestler in seven of the ten matches. In retrospect, I don't see how Iowa hasn't been ranked #1 from the start. They are now, in both dual meet and tournament rankings. Minnesota is a solid #2; if they were dropped lower for their embarrassing defeat, I would've understood. And unless something drastic changes, they no longer are the team to beat in the NCAA championships, and the Twin Cities will go begging for a title in something for another year.
The club finishes the regular season with road contests against #5 Ohio St. tomorrow (Friday) and Maryland Sunday.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
How Did I Do Predicting Super Bowl XLIX?
Not well. Shitty, in fact.
First of all, I'm not going to say that The Call was The Worst Call In The History Of Recorded Sport. (Vikings fans know that The Worst Call In The History Of Recorded Sport can be summed up in three words: Take A Knee.) I take Pete Carroll at face value when he said that he wanted to go spread because he saw the defense in a goal line formation. And even though it was a yard out, and Marshawn Lynch had been running tough all game, who knows, he could have lost the ball on a fumble. I understand the concept of zigging when the other team thinks you're zagging. This was not a sin of playcalling; it was one of execution. Rather, Malcolm Butler knew immediately this was a pick play, knew where the ball was going to be, and raced to that spot before Wide Receiver Ricardo Lockette could get there. One hell of a play that was designed to pick on the backup Cornerback, but the backup Cornerback instead made one of the most memorable plays to decide a Super Bowl.
Besides, deep down, I really don't think people who are bitching about the call are bitching about the call. What I mean by that is, if Lynch ran the ball and couldn't get in, and if somehow Seattle wasn't able to punch the ball in from a yard out with the three remaining downs they had left in the game, Seahawks fans would be complaining about that all the same. What they are really upset about isn't that they should have run when they passed (although I would have given the ball to Beast Mode at that moment); they are upset that they didn't score and win the game. That's what they're truly pissed about, and that's what they should be. But in my mind, they shouldn't bitch about, "Why the hell did you pass the ball when you should've ran it?" No one's God here; you can't predict the future, so you can't tell me for sure that Seattle was going to score on the ground. Be honest that your rage is coming from defeat, and not the way your team was defeated, and then we can talk. Anything other than that is you believing you can predict the future.
OK, so back to my predictions:
So, all in all -- yep, I was dead wrong on just about everything. But at least my hope that we would have a good and close game came true!
First of all, I'm not going to say that The Call was The Worst Call In The History Of Recorded Sport. (Vikings fans know that The Worst Call In The History Of Recorded Sport can be summed up in three words: Take A Knee.) I take Pete Carroll at face value when he said that he wanted to go spread because he saw the defense in a goal line formation. And even though it was a yard out, and Marshawn Lynch had been running tough all game, who knows, he could have lost the ball on a fumble. I understand the concept of zigging when the other team thinks you're zagging. This was not a sin of playcalling; it was one of execution. Rather, Malcolm Butler knew immediately this was a pick play, knew where the ball was going to be, and raced to that spot before Wide Receiver Ricardo Lockette could get there. One hell of a play that was designed to pick on the backup Cornerback, but the backup Cornerback instead made one of the most memorable plays to decide a Super Bowl.
Besides, deep down, I really don't think people who are bitching about the call are bitching about the call. What I mean by that is, if Lynch ran the ball and couldn't get in, and if somehow Seattle wasn't able to punch the ball in from a yard out with the three remaining downs they had left in the game, Seahawks fans would be complaining about that all the same. What they are really upset about isn't that they should have run when they passed (although I would have given the ball to Beast Mode at that moment); they are upset that they didn't score and win the game. That's what they're truly pissed about, and that's what they should be. But in my mind, they shouldn't bitch about, "Why the hell did you pass the ball when you should've ran it?" No one's God here; you can't predict the future, so you can't tell me for sure that Seattle was going to score on the ground. Be honest that your rage is coming from defeat, and not the way your team was defeated, and then we can talk. Anything other than that is you believing you can predict the future.
OK, so back to my predictions:
- Lynch will rush for at least 150 yards and a garbage time Touchdown. One TD, but it was early, and he got only 102. No.
- Russell Wilson will rush for close to 100 yards. 39. No.
- Wilson will pass for less than 200 yards. 247, with 2 TDs and that pick. No.
- Tom Brady gets sacked at least four times. Sacked once. No.
- Michael Bennett will sack Brady twice. Bruce Irvin brought Brady down. No.
- Brady throws for 300 yards and one TD, but also one Interception. 328 yards, four TDs (he accounted for all the scoring, therefore he won Super Bowl MVP), and two Interceptions. See, even though this doesn't look bad, my prediction for Brady was supposed to illustrate how bad his night was going to be. I forgot to include this in my predictions blog post, but according to this ESPN Insider article I read, the vast majority of Brady's passes are short, and that was where Seattle's defense was at its best. But as you saw, Brady was able to inside slant on them all game. Moreover, I thought that the two Patriots Offensive Guards would have a long game yielding to the Seahawks' pass rush, but that did not happen. Shocking. And, No.
- LeGarrette Blount is held to 50 yards rushing. 40. Uh ... not close enough. No.
- Seattle will dominate. Oh, God, no. I thought the Seahawks were going to blow past its +1 line and win by 20. I am so glad I didn't bet real money on this. I was able to watch with my cousin and his friend at his place and screamed "Whoa!" so loudly at Butler's pick that I think I startled my cousin's pitbull. I couldn't imagine how I would feel if I were at Caesar's Palace watching this game. I would've gone from elation to devastation. I might have been put in jail for the tantrum I would've pulled after that Interception.
So, all in all -- yep, I was dead wrong on just about everything. But at least my hope that we would have a good and close game came true!
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
List Of What I Ate The Past Three Days That Have Made Me Fat
- I woke up early Saturday morning and had a mocha and a cookie at Caribou ...
- ... then I followed that up with Arby's about 90 minutes later because it was the last day I could use one of its coupons;
- That evening we had a huge fest to celebrate my brother's birthday. What did we have ... um ... shrimp, fried rice, regular rice, fish, bunch of other stuff, and cake.
- Sunday morning I tried to get out to exercise early, but failed to do so, so I cut it to just an hour. Drank Gatorade 1 and 2 to get me going.
- I then was deciding on where to go for lunch. Thought about Wendy's, but decided that I could try their new stuff some other time. So I went to El Taco Riendo because I've wanted to go there since they moved next door. Didn't think that I should have saved my stomach because of the Super Bowl feast I was going to partake in at my cousin's place (let alone dinner at home). Nevertheless I took advantage of its special of an asada taco, a barbacoa enchilada and a tamale. Really good; so good, in fact, that I tipped more than a buck. Well, I rounded up.
- Hoped that walking around the Minneapolis Institute of Arts (I went to check on a famous painting the museum has borrowed from the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam, Vermeer's Woman (in Blue) Reading a Letter [MIA's website omits the "in Blue" part, although a quick search apparently shows every other website keeping those two words in as part of the official title]) and Target (to purchase some creamer for work) would burn enough calories to save my stomach for the 1-2 punch that evening. Didn't think that Mother would treat me for Super Bowl Sunday with spaghetti. She knows how to make it, and I don't. Should learn why.
- Already feeling kind of fat, I nonetheless indulged in my cousin's football feast: chicken wings, sloppy joes, bacon-wrapped, brown sugar-infused cocktail wienies, chips, and to make the food more nutritious, vegetables and dip. One of my cousin's friends (when I walked in I couldn't help but notice her awesome cleavage, but her husband and child were there, plus she's pregnant) made this sopapilla; I had seconds and thirds of the food my cousin made -- and damn, he can cook, especially those wienies! -- but it was the two pieces of sopapilla that pushed me over the edge. Oh, and I had two beers too, the second of which made me logy and kind of hungover at work Monday.
- And it didn't stop Monday, either. I thought I would be safe from the onslaught at work. But as soon as I came in one of the employees there told me that they had donuts to eat. Seeing as they were free, I ate two. They were good, but I knew my stomach ballooned even further, dammit.
- And then Sonic just had to announce that they were slashing the price of their footlongs half-off. Well, shit, I had to go there to take advantage of that, and to take advantage of their Happy Hour, where all drinks and slushes (I got a small cherry slush -- froze shortly after I got it) are half-off as well. Is it a good idea to do this food promotion the day after what may be the day Americans consume the most food? Oh, it wasn't a good idea to get a footlong -- not this day nor ever; the chili spilled over to one side and completely disintegrated the bun, so I had to scrape pieces of it into my mouth. Made a damn mess all over my right hand. Won't eat that again.
- Monday nights there's a deal on chicken at the local grocery store. My parents are back to having me get the box every Monday. I usually eat three pieces, but because of all the shit I ate this weekend I wanted to limit myself to two. But Mother gave me pieces of a third, and I had no choice.
- Then I got some Chinese drink to drink. Don't hate it like I did when I was force-drank it as a kid, but I still don't like it. And it made me exceptionally lethargic tonight.
- Finally, My Father knocked on my door and pushed a slice of my brother's birthday cake at me. He wanted that damn thing gone two days after we cut it up for the first time. I am still so stuffed that I decided to throw it into a plastic container and take it with me to work. Hopefully I'll remember it in the morning.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Addendum To: Oh, Fuck, Friday Really Is My Last Day At Work. For Reals, Guys
Oh Thursday my boss apparently convinced his boss that me and the male of The Two should stay for at least another two weeks. So we are staying for at least another two weeks.
At this point maybe it would be best not to make pronouncements on when I'm actually going to lose my job. Well, that's not gonna happen. But this shows I don't really know when my last day is.
This at least gives me time to file on the papers I've generated, which is totally necessary.
Now, I've got to get my fat belly to work. Damn Super Bowl feast, cousin.
At this point maybe it would be best not to make pronouncements on when I'm actually going to lose my job. Well, that's not gonna happen. But this shows I don't really know when my last day is.
This at least gives me time to file on the papers I've generated, which is totally necessary.
Now, I've got to get my fat belly to work. Damn Super Bowl feast, cousin.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Super Bowl XLIX Prediction: Seattle 42, New England 22
I will bring back, if not resurrect, a feature of my Anti-Picks and really, really break down the Big Game between the Seahawks and the Patriots, going so far as to predict specific statistics and plays:
- I have learned that, generally, the team who is favored wins. That is helped, in part, by the fact that there are two weeks of preparation for the Super Bowl, which I think could be shortened to a week. That being said, there has been a lot of late money pushing some lines from New England -1 to a Pick 'Em. (I think the opening lines after both conference championship games had Seattle -1). Last year's Super Bowl spread wasn't that much bigger: the consensus is 2 1/2 points, I think. But it was also Denver whom they favored, and you remember how well that went. Bottom line: Seattle will dominate like they did last year.
- Initially I was persuaded by a fact I heard on The Fan last week: The Patriot defense has seen the read option only three snaps. There is something to be said about that side's preparation, and I think Bill Belichick has hammered home the importance of lane discipline and sure tackling. But I keep harkening back to last year's AFC Championship Game, when Denver was able to establish the run in order to set up the pass. I have just looked at last year's game and the running totals are a lot less rosy than I thought they were, plus I am trying hard not to be swayed by the breakdown by MMQB's Greg A. Bedard that the Pats will keep the Seahawks' run game in check. So, against all present evidence, I will say that Seattle will have a big day on the ground. Marshawn Lynch will have at least 150 yards rushing. (Also, I think he'll have a late touchdown in garbage time where he'll grab his crotch, drawing an unsportsmanlike conduct flag.) And even though he won't eclipse 200 yards passing, Russell Wilson will get close to 100 yards rushing as well.
- Bedard doesn't single out much praise for the New England offensive line, so I'll alter my initial projection to reflect a greater consensus that the Patriots' O-line may be the weak spot in Super Bowl XLIX. Pro Football Outsiders says that line is weaker than it was last year. In particular, Guards Dan Connolly and Ryan Wendell can be bumrushed against. So that makes Seattle Defensive Lineman Michael Bennett the guy who could cause the most havoc in this game. If he can beat either Connolly or Wendell, if Seattle's vaunted secondary continues to win the one-on-one matchups against the Patriot Wide Receivers, and if Head Coach Pete Carroll and Defensive Coordinator (and soon-to-be Atlanta Head Coach) Dan Quinn can find a way to neutralize Rob Gronkowski (and they will -- I predict no more than 50 yards and no Touchdowns), Bennett will get a lot of chances to get to Tom Brady, who still is not a mobile quarterback. Brady gets sacked at least four times, and Bennett gets two of them.
- Brady will eventually have to go pass-happy once the second half begins and the game gets out of hand, and he'll get to 300 yards and throw, oh, at least one TD. But he'll also throw one interception. And New England will lose the ground game; LeGarrette Blount, whom I suspected engineered his way out of Pittsburgh so he could latch back onto New England, a team many people thought would have a better chance of reaching The Big Game, will be exposed as the charlatan as he is and held to 50 yards.
- Three other things about Sunday's event, thought not the game: The best commercial of the Super Bowl will once again not be funny but serious and/or moving; that commercial will not have an animal in it (even though the most popular commercial of SB XLIX will probably have one cute animal if not several -- that's not a prediction I'm making, it's damn near a fact); and confirming a couple suspicions I've heard, Katy Perry will insult Taylor Swift at some point in her halftime show.
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