The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher softball (Last Week: -1).  On the whole, this screening Week has been very lackluster.  In fact, of all the local teams in action, I feel best about one that had their season end; that's below.

And yet the clear best team this Week are the Gopher softballers, who won their series at Cowles over Illinois over the weekend (despite getting bludgeoned in the middle Game Saturday, 14-6).  They've nosed over .500 in the B1G ... but if you can do that, you shouldn't be losing to smaller programs, and yet the U. did at St. Thomas yesterday/Wednesday afternoon, and by a score of 7-2.  Seriously?

They host Ohio St. for a three-Game series.  And I find this pretty odd -- the series goes from Saturday to Monday afternoon.

#-2: Wild (Last Week: -4).  Sure, they're just about assured of a First Round playoff series versus The Bastard North Stars, and they probably won't have home ice, but can you see this team doing anything with the way they're playing right now?  They managed to scrape by Florida, beating the two-time defending Stanley Cup champs (who now sit in last place in The Atlantic Division) 3-2 Thursday at Sunrise, but got doubled up at Boston on Saturday, 6-3.  This team looks tired, so having several Days off before resuming at home versus Vancouver, The Worst Team In The NHL, could be a nice reset.  But they'll be busy with about two Weeks left in the Regular Season; they travel to Ottawa and Detroit this weekend back-to-back, then come back to face Seattle Tuesday.  How about some consistency, boys?

#-3: Timberwolves (Last Week: 0).  The thought that they could spark to life and gain momentum to end the season is rapidly fading, what with a 22-Point ass-kicking at home on Saturday to leaders of the East, Detroit, and no, winning by 30 at Dallas on Monday means little to nothing.  They currently sit in sixth place in The Western Conference by 4 1/2 Games above Phoenix, so getting pulled into the Play-In probably is no longer a concern.  But Denver is in fourth place by 2 Games, and there are less than two Weeks left in the Regular Season.  And now, not only is Anthony Edwards still rounding back into shape (and missing the start of Games because he needed to take a shit), now Jaden McDaniels is out from week to week with an injury.  The mojo isn't there with this team, and so the expectation that they're contenders is quickly becoming a delusion.

Holy fuck: They have a five-Game screening Week.  It starts punishingly, with visits to Detroit and Philadelphia tonight/Thursday night and tomorrow/Friday night.  They come home to face Charlotte Sunday evening, then have another Eastern Conference back-to-back on the road, namely Indiana and Orlando, Tuesday and Wednesday night.

#-4: Twins (NEW SEASON!).  Whoo, baseball's back!  And whoo-whoo, the Twinks are already 1-4, whoo-whoo!!  I could break down the upcoming season, but who cares?  They have three established guys of note: Byron Buxton, Joe Ryan, and Pablo Lopez.  Lopez is out for the beginning of the season.  I and many others would bet good money that both Lopez and Ryan will be traded in the middle of the season.  There are a bunch of youngsters trying to figure things out with the big ballclub, none of whom move the needle and capture the imaginations of Twins fans to make them think he's the next Kirby Puckett.  I swear that the Pohlads could sell the team right now to someone in Nashville and we would be like, "See ya!  Don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out!"  So who cares what they're going to do now?

And tomorrow's/Friday's Home Opener might not start due to rain!  No one's going to show up to see them because they suck, and now more people might not show up because they might not even play it!  Serves them right this could be the most embarrassing home opener in the history of the franchise!!!  Whoo-whoo-whoo!!!

#-5: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -3).  Got swept at home to Ohio St.  Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!!!  The baseballers are now 2-7 in-conference, so this season feels lost already.

This Week: At Iowa for three, then have a one-off vs. South Dakota St. at Siebert Field on Wednesday.  The weird thing is all times for First Pitch is listed at two Minutes after the Hour.  Two?  Is this some sort of promotional thing?

#-Infinity (tie): Gopher women's basketball and Gopher wrestling (Last Week, respectively: Positive Numbers and Re-Entry!).  OK, so the Gopher women's b-ball team got routed by UCLA Friday by 24 in Sacramento.  Not saying it's not a big deal -- all seasons that end short of a championship are, in its most distilled essence, failures -- but we all knew it was going to happen.  And like I said last Week, this is what I could have hoped for for this program before the Year began, and what I expected as the team finally founds itself during conference play.  The recruits Lindsay Whalen brought in, Amaya Battle most notably, were finally developed because of Dawn Plitzuweit, and this season the results came through.  So this is the proof of concept that there is a plan and it could work.  These are the roots from which hopefully blooms even stronger and better recruits and yields greater outcomes for next Year and beyond.  You never know what will happen, but at the risk of getting ahead of myself, this program is finally looking good for the immediate future.

In the meantime I forgot to talk about the NCAA (men's) wrestling championships back on March 21.  Minnesota as a whole finished an irrelevant ninth place.  But maybe I shouldn't be so hard on the entire team; Penn St. won the title again, so as of now, every other school is as irrelevant as the U.

But, one Golden Gopher won an individual championship.  Max McEnelly, out of Waconia, won the NCAA title at 184 Pounds.  And he did it as the third-ranked wrestler at the weight and upsetting the top-ranked wrestler, Rocco Welsh out of, natch, Penn St., 4-3.  According to the U. athletic department, McEnelly's individual title is the 25th in Gopher wrestling history (won by 19 Gophers total); it's the first individual championship for Minnesota since the great Gable Steveson won back-to-back at Heavyweight in 2021 and 2022; and it's the first title won at a weight other than Heavyweight since Jayson Ness at 133 Pounds back in 2010.  At least that's something.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Positive Numbers: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -6).  For this Week's Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey, I am giving the top spot, and the ultimate superlative of Positive Numbers, to the U. of M. women's basketball team after I treat them with the all-22, so to speak, perspective.  They just played one Game this screening Week, a 78-73 Win over at Illinois on Sunday that finished their regular season.  But that gave the Golden Gophers a 13-5 record in the Big Ten, a 22-7 record overall, and, most impressive to me, fourth place and thus a double bye (you can't get more than two) in the B1G Tournament, which will start (for them) tomorrow/Friday.

On top of that, Charlie Creme says that the U. is in line for a 4-Seed in the NCAA Tournament, and thus the right to host Games for the First and Second Rounds of the Big Dance.  Compared to her first two seasons as Head Coach here, Dawn Plitzuweit has finally engineered the big turnaround in the program she was hired to do.  I wish it came much sooner.  But from what I consider the squad's nadir, blowing a nine-Point lead late at home to Maryland around the holidays, they have been in the ascendancy with a bullet.  I couldn't imaging these Gophs fighting for hosting slot.  But here they are, with a fighting chance to do that and to reach the second weekend for the first time since 2005.

They will play either Ohio St. or Indiana in their first tournament matchup.  This is a conference tournament, where motivations for teams that are already in the tourney are suspicious.  Could the U. make a run toward the B1G title Game ... and maybe win it?

#0: Timberwolves (Last Week: -1).  I was at Tuesday's victory over The Bastard Vancouver Grizzlies.  But it didn't look like they were going to emerge victorious.  Memphis started out hot, especially from deep.  But Minnesota finally took a lead they didn't relinquish with about 6 1/2 Minutes left in The Third Quarter.

As wobbly as they looked, that Win completed a 3-0 screening Week for the Wolves.  They've won four in a row.  They sit fourth in the West, tied in Games behind the conference leader (which are The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics) with The Bastard San Diego Rockets.  They're not looking polished as they win, but they're winning.  This Week will be a busy one.  They finish a three-Game homestand with Games against Toronto and Orlando, then they'll visit both Los Angeles clubs Tuesday (The Bastard Minneapolis Lakers) and Wednesday (The Bastard Buffalo Braves-cum-San Diego Clippers).

#-1: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -2).  I feel bad that this club had a really good Week, going 4-1, but I put them down here because of what the Gopher women's b-ball team and the T-Wolves.  The only blemish was Sunday's 8-3 Loss at U. S. Bank Stadium to Kansas, which gave the Jayhawks a split of the four-Game series vs. Minnesota.  The Gophers did sweep Wisconsin-Milwaukee in a two-showdown set, also at Oooooos-Bahnk Stadium, Tuesday and last/Wednesday night.  I don't know if this is the apex of their season.  I hope not; they deserve more shine than I'm giving them this competitive Week in local sports.

This weekend is the Cambria Classic, formerly sponsored by Dairy Queen.  Unlike in years past, the field is, well, a caliber below.  No BcS schools here besides Northwestern.  The others are Southern Illinois (the Salukis and the Wildcats are the two teams Minnesota will not play), UNLV, South Dakota St., and Nebraska-Omaha.  I will hopefully be there to see all three Games, and all six teams, play on Saturday.  After that, the Gophs have a mid-Week two-fer at the Vikings stadium versus Gonzaga.

#-2: United FC (Last Week: -3).  I want to delve into their tumultuous off-season, but not this Week, because I'm tired and I have to wake up for an early shift today/Thursday.  Till then, I'll note that the Loons outlasted FC Cincinnati, 1-0, on a below-freezing Saturday afternoon at Allianz Field.  It was Kelvin Yeboah cleaning up a rebound off a Free Kick.  Glad to see Yeboah contributing early in the season.  And hey, James Rodriguez should be playing soon, maybe as soon as this Saturday night, when MNUFC travel to Nashville.

#-3: Gopher men's hockey (Re-Entry!).  It's hockey, so upsetting ranked teams will happen.  Nonetheless, considering the rough year the Gophers are having, there are still some signs of encouragement that the youngsters on the team are learning and growing.  They were at second-ranked Michigan last Thursday and Friday and got a split.  They beat the Wolverines by a 4-2 score last Thursday before they returned the favor with the exact same score Friday.  But beating an excellent team, and on the road?  Encouraging!

Final series of the regular season is tonight/Thursday night and tomorrow/Friday night, when they host second- or third-ranked (depends on which poll you look at) Michigan St.  All seven teams in the Big Ten Hockey Conference will play in the conference tournament, the Quarterfinals of which (and which the U. will play) is Wednesday.

#-4: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -4).  Beat UCLA by five at Williams Saturday afternoon, got throttle at Indiana by 30 -- egads -- Wednesday.  Eh, it's Niko Medved's first season here.  They wrap up the season home to Northwestern Saturday night.  The B1G tourney begins Tuesday, and unlike the B1G's women's tournament, all 18 teams will play in a six-round tournament.  Thankfully, Minnesota cannot be one of the four worst teams in the league and must play that Tuesday.  However, they will play Wednesday, hoping to reel off five victories in a row.  Man, conferences are too big now.

#-5: Wild (Last Week: -Infinity).  Their post-Olympics sprint begins with a 2-2 Week.  Ass-kickings at Colorado and home to Tampa Bay sandwich Losses at Utah and home to St. Louis, a Game that was tied till very late.

Because of this recent swoon, Minnesota sits in third in the Central, three Points behind The Bastard North Stars.  And it's not getting any easier: This Week they visit (Las) Vegas and said Bastard Quebec Nordiques, then come home to start a four-Game homestand with contests against The Bastard Winnipeg Jets/Phoenix Coyotes and Philadelphia.  Hopefully Quinn Hughes will stop his starfucking, else he'll be the next example of both TDS and, more importantly, ETTD.

#-6: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -7).  No, I don't give a fuck that the Gophers won their WCHA First Round series over St. Cloud St. over the weekend.  The Huskies took the Goofs to a third Game in their series.  They did that by battling the U. to a scoreless tie in regulation of Friday's Game 1, only for SCSU to pot one and steal the tilt in Overtime.  Sure, Minnesota roared back with a vengeance, taking Game 2, 4-1 and Game 3, 6-1.  But it shouldn't have taken them three goddamn Games to advance to the Frozen Faceoff, where they will square off against 2-Seed and second-ranked Ohio St. at St. Thomas' new arena in St. Paul.  I fear for the Goofs' fates.

#-7: Gopher softball (Last Week: -5).  Got blanked Thursday at for-profit diploma mill Grand Canyon, 6-0.  Then, in the Hillenbrand Invitational in Tucson, Ariz., they defeated Howard, 4-1 in eight Innings, before getting creamed by Arizona (11-2), Long Beach St. (7-0) and ... Howard again.  They now sit at 7-13 with a strength of schedule that won't dazzle anyone.  They have not demonstrated they will be an even decent team this season.

They begin conference play at Indiana for three over the weekend, then travel to the St. Louis area to play mid-Week one-offs at Southern Illinois-Edwardsville (Tuesday) and Lindenwood in St. Charles (Wednesday).

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -1).  Swept Bemidji St. in Bemidji over the weekend by scores of 5-3 and, eek, 11-1.  Great, but like I continually say, beat Ohio St. or Wisconsin and then get back to me.  A home-and-home with St. Cloud St. this weekend.

#-2: Wild (Last Week: -5).  Not only has The Quinn Hughes Honeymoon worn off, the bloom seems to have blown off the rose, too.  A 4-4 Week for the pro hockey club in town: Got tripled up by The Bastard Atlanta Thrashers at the Gica, then won in Overtime at red-hot Buffalo, then doubled up the Maple Leafs in Toronto, then gave up the Game-winning Goal in Montreal with just 15 Seconds left.

And yet they now are tied with The Bastard North Stars for second place in the Central.  (To put this in greater context, however, the talk that The Three Best Teams In The NHL all come from The Central Division should cool down because Tampa Bay, Detroit and The Bastard Hartford Whalers all have one more Point than both Minnesota and The Team That Was Stolen From Us.)  To be tied for second in the Division despite having a rocky screening Week?  You have to take that.

They begin a four-Game homestand with contests versus said Red Wings, Florida, and Chicago.

#-3: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -4).  Got drubbed Sunday evening in Washington by a baker's dozen, but came back with a notable 65-60 Win at Oregon last/Wednesday night.  Charlie Creme still has the Gophers in The Big Dance, and this Quad 1 victory is a solid marker in keeping them in there.  And they can continue to burnish their resume with Games at home against Wisconsin Sunday afternoon and at Penn St. Wednesday evening.

#-4: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -6).  A ten-Point Loss at Illinois followed by an eight-Point defeat at Ohio St. in Overtime extends this squad's losing streak to four.  But hey, it's Niko Medved's first Year as Head Coach -- don't worry about it!  This Week they host seventh-ranked Nebraska (!!!) early Saturday afternoon and go to Wisconsin Wednesday night.

#-5: Gopher wrestling (Last Week: -2).  The then-seventh-ranked Gophers lost at Maturi Friday night to sixth-ranked Nebraska, 20-12.  The Cornhuskers won six of the ten Matches, including a Fall from the fifth-ranked grappler at 157 Pounds, Antrell Taylor.  Hrmph.  I don't think it's too much to assume that the U. wins a Dual like this, one at home against a team similar in strength to theirs.

These guys are finishing a three-Game homestand; Ohio St. and Wisconsin come to town this weekend.

#-6: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -7).  Let's see ... when you host the top-ranked team in the country, you're just hoping you don't get pantsed.  And I don't think this team got pantsed, even though the Gophs had a chance Saturday evening to clip a Win over the juggernaut Wolverines, only to give up a Goal to Michigan's Jayden Perron about two Minutes into OT and lose, 3-2.  Oh, and on Friday night the Goofers got destroyed by the Wolverines by a 5-1 score.

This is a retrenching year, just like with the U. football squad.  And looky-here -- right as the #1-ranked Michigan Wolverines leave, the #2-ranked club in the country, Michigan's hated Little Brother, Michigan St., blows into town for two this weekend.  Minnesota is already on a five-Game losing streak.  This could get ugly.

#-7: Timberwolves (Last Week: -3).  And the Woofie Dogs are in trouble again.  Believe it or not, they went winless this Week, losing on the road to Houston, San Antonio, and The Bastard New Orleans Jazz.  And because The Western Conference is so competitive, that three-Game losing skid has dropped them into seventh, even though they are tied with Phoenix, tied in Winning Percentage with The Bastard Minneapolis Lakers, and a half-Game out of fourth.  Oof.  They host Chicago tonight/Thursday night, then host The Bastard Philadelphia Warriors for a pair of tilts before heading off to Dallas.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#0: Vikings (Re-Entry!).  OK, yesterday/Sunday afternoon's gut punch Win in Seattle was pretty fucking impressive.  I was shopping for groceries, getting my sis lottery tickets, and washing my parents' minivan during a second half where the Seahawks climbed back into the Game and then took the lead.  As a fatalistic Vikings/Minnesota sports fan, I was totally prepared to hear that the Vikes lost; it just goes with the territory, you know?  And yet, goddamn, Kevin O'Connell, Sam Darnold, and Justin Jefferson took the team on a Game-winning drive that culminated with a Darnold-to-JJ Touchdown Pass that put the Vikings ahead for good.

It was a resilient victory over a game opponent in a situation where too many times before this franchise would just come up short.  While I can nitpick (they are playing a third-place schedule, and this organization has historically yo-yoed depending on the strength of the schedule), not too often do you see these Vikings beat a good foe on the road, especially in Seattle.  My goodness, they're tied with Detroit atop the NFC Central with a 13-2 record.  O'Connell is the first Head Coach in franchise history to lead the Vikings to two 13-Win seasons ... and he's done it in his first three seasons as HC.  I'm not totally believing, but more parts of me are getting on the bandwagon, if you know what I mean.

Now, there are still two Matches left in the Year.  First up is a crucial one at home versus Green Bay Sunday afternoon.  But these Vikings have shown they can come up with the crucial play when the situation calls for it, so I'm not ruling the club out.  Gosh, could these guys ... actually win it all?

With all the being said, while they obviously take the top spot in the WMNSS, I'm not putting them in Positive Numbers only because the rest of the sports scene had lackluster results, and none of the other squads that played over the last Week deserve 0.  Even ... 

#-1: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -2).  ... the U. of M. women's basketball team, who finished up their non-conference schedule by beating the shit out of Prairie View A&M Friday afternoon, 96-57.  Hope the check for the bodybag Game was worth it, because it proved nothing about your team's strength.  Hosting Penn St. Saturday afternoon, however, will.

#-2: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -5).  Beat Farleigh Dickinson, only the second school ever to defeat a #1 Seed in the NCAA Tournament while being a #16 Seed, at Williams Saturday, 74-60.  I can't help but think that if the Gophers were a better team, they would've beaten the Knights by a larger margin.  Anyway, they have one final chance to feel good about themselves Sunday afternoon, when they finish up the non-conference portion of their schedule hosting Morgan St.

#-3: Timberwolves (Last Week: -1).  OK, now's the time to panic.  They had only two Games this screening Week, both of them were at home, and they were not competitive in either one.  On Thursday, Karl-Anthony Towns came back to the team that made him and he and the New York Knicks (with former Wolves Head Coach Tom Thibodeau in tow) embarrassed the Two Elves, 133-107.  Then on Saturday, they were playing catch-up all Game and fell to The Bastard Philadelphia Warriors, 113-103.

Any problems that could be ironed out to prove that the club has been able to adjust to new personnel should have been solved by now.  The Wolves are not an excellent team right now, and they just might not be a great team, either.  And they have slipped back down to tenth in the West.  Like I said, it is time to get seriously worried about the Timberwolves.

It is a privilege to be one of the ten teams selected to play on Christmas.  They will do so in the afternoon at Dallas.  That is the middle of a three-Game road trip that starts in Atlanta tonight/Monday night and concludes Friday night at Houston.  They then come home Sunday to host San Antonio.

#-4: Wild (Last Week: -3).  Shit, man.  You could say what happened to the Mild.  Then again, they are still under an onerous salary cap deficit and no one predicted they would even be in the playoffs this Year.  Still, it is injuries that are biting this squad hard right now, as evidenced by them getting totally wiped out this Week, losing at home to Florida and The Bastard Winnipeg Jets/Phoenix-Arizona Coyotes (both at home) and at The Bastard Atlanta Thrashers.  They once tied with Winnipeg for most Points in the NHL; as of now, five teams have more Points and two are tied with the Mild.  Oh, and they've lost five out of their last six.  But like I said, maybe they are who we once thought they were.

This Week: Home dates with Chicago and Ottawa bookend a trip Friday vs. The Bastard North Stars.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#0: Timberwolves (Last Week: -2).  A 3-1 Week.  Lost in Overtime at Boston, but took care of Orlando (on the road) and Portland and The Bastard Buffalo Braves/San Diego Clippers (at home).  That last Game vs. the Clips was kind of dicey, but they managed to stave them off by a 109-105 score.  That keeps them up on The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics for best record in the West, albeit by half a Game.  This team continues to amaze us and, recklessly, makes us wonder what they can do in the playoffs.  A championship -- egad, am I still saying that could happen with the Timberwolves?? -- is still a fantasy for now, but they keep the top spot in the WMNSS.

This Week: At Detroit, then home to The Bastard Vancouver Grizzlies and said Bastard Sonics.  I was offered a ticket by my friend to the Game versus Memphis, but that Game starts at 9.  Really, 9 p.m. local time?  I don't think a Game should start any later than 8:30 p.m.  If I were younger, that would not be a deterrent, but because of principle (as well as needing to get up to work in the morning), my old ass had to decline.  Damn, TV can just say they can play that late?!  Shit. ...

#-1: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -5).  This is the achievement I expected out of this club with new Head Coach Dawn Plitzuweit.  They swept both matchups they had this screening Week, routing Michigan in Ann Arbor Tuesday evening, then coming home and barely squeaking by Nebraska yesterday/Sunday afternoon, 62-58, courtesy of a very late Three from Amaya Battle.

That puts this team at 3-2 in the B1G and 13-3 overall.  More importantly, Charlie Creme of ESPN.com, in his latest Bracketology (which was run on the 12th), had the Golden Gophers in the Play-In.  In other words, this team isn't in the "real" tournament -- yet.  It is for this reason alone that I have these players behind the Wolves for the top spot in the survey and not above negative numbers.  That might, and maybe should, change now that they've racked up two Wins.  And they might just be getting started: They're at Indiana Wednesday night and host Michigan St. Saturday afternoon.

#-2: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -4).  This is an instance where the Monday-Sunday screening Week format for 2024 helps a local squad.  The Gopher men's hockey club is able to cut off their Loss to Colorado College on the 7th and get three Wins instead, a payback 6-2 victory over the Tigers on Monday and a sweep of Robert Morris (in their final non-conference series of the season) over the weekend, all at home.  Unfortunately, according to the latest PairWise, the U. ranks 12th, dangerously on the bubble.  They need to rack up some Wins soon.  They host Ohio St. for a pair this weekend.

#-3: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: 0).  In their only Game this Week, they lost at Indiana by 12, but hey, what are you gonna do?  They are markedly improved from the previous two iterations, and Ben Johnson is doing a good (maybe not excellent) job of keeping in-state talent at the U.

This Week they host Iowa and visit Michigan St.  These two, believe it or not, are winnable Games.

#-4: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -1).  I cannot recall another regular season series that turned out to be such a humiliating disaster for the Gopher women icers than this past weekend where top-ranked Ohio St. came into Ridder Arena and didn't just sweep the Goofers but outright dehumanized them.  They lost by scores of 7-0 and 6-1.  I don't think that program has ever lost a two-Game series at home by a combined 13-1 ever.  And this is Minnesota we're talking about here.  They're the first program to ever build a hockey arena just for its women's hockey program.  And the Buckeyes just waltzed in here and took it over.

This is sad but true: Minnesota is no longer one of the leading blue bloods in top-flight women's college hockey.  It's Wisconsin and Ohio St. (led by Nadine Muzerall, a U. alum, by the way), and then there's everyone else.  This weekend proved that Minnesota is no longer in the inner circle, and I think that's a goddamn embarrassment.  (Hey, can Mark Coyle pony up enough money to bring her here?)

They're at Bemidji St. for two, but I don't know why I'm covering this squad because they're not fucking going anywhere this Year, or any other Year, for that matter.

#-Infinity: Wild (Last Week: -3).  It is exceedingly rare that I give out an in-season -Infinity, but motherfucking goddamn, the Mild certainly deserved it after the shit performance they pulled this screening Week.  They lost every single fucking contest this Week, all four of them, and that's bad enough.  But they also lost both ends of a home-and-home to The Bastard North Stars, and I fucking hate that we act like such goddamn cucks to The That Was Stolen From Us.  WHERE'S YOUR FUCKING PRICE, ASSHOLES?!?!?!  (And I say that not only to the Mild players but also to the Mild fanbase.)  They then proceeded to lose in Overtime to Philadelphia and then got fucking mauled by The Bastard Winnipeg Jets (hey, are they leaving Phoenix or what?) by fuckin' 6-0.  And those last two Losses were at home!!!

These guys weren't too far away from a playoff spot, believe it or not.  Now they're eight Points behind, and by the way they played this screening Week, they don't deserve it.  Yeah-yeah-yeah, Parise & Suter, and all the injuries, blah-blah-blah; the bottom line is that there is very, very little pride being exerted by most members of this godforsaken squad.  I'll go further than that: I totally believe that this passivity is organization-wide and it's because they embrace the name of the Wild and don't give two shits about the history of the North Stars.  They bring back the name and fight for its logo and colors (yeah, they use North Stars colors, but they still plaster that fucking shit-ass creature logo with it) and history, and they wouldn't go through shit like they just did.  Man, fuck this organization.

Four more tilts this Week -- home to the Islanders then away to both Florida clubs and The Bastard Hartford Whalers.  Great; four more Losses to pile on.  Might as well tank, right, boys?

So It Wasn't The Batteries???

My temper continues to get the better of me.  A couple or few weeks ago, I was fuming because the Wild were crushed by The Bastard North Stars.  Couldn't help but think and ruminate and just stew in my anger.  Once I allow this red mist to descend upon my mind, it's very hard to get myself out of this anger spiral.

I was lying in bed thinking about it.  My thoughts in this state often turn into revenge fantasies whereby I am at the X and see some Dallasshole rooting for The Team That Was Stolen From Us v.2.0. and he starts to fight me and I kill him.  Like it usually happens, I kind of snap to from this fugue state and realize I should get my mind off something else.  I think I was going to grab something from the fridge to drink because I was thirsty, so I flung the blanket open so I could hop out.  I did not remember, however, that I had recently turned off the TV set and placed the remote control beside me on top of the blanket and not at the corner of the dresser where it would have been safe.

Since it was not safe, that poor remote control went flying -- Whooooomp! across my bedroom onto the wood floor.  It was still intact, but I couldn't change the channel or turn the volume up or down.  I took apart the whole thing the next day hoping that I could put back something that got loose from the hit.  But nothing seemed out of place and I still couldn't use the remote.  This reminds me of the time way, way back when I was watching the Vikings play The Tampa Bay Buccaneers when the Bucs were permanently shitty.  Or was it The Detroit Lions?  Anyway, the team the Vikes were playing were bad, but the Vikings this Year (and really most Years) were underachieving, and so in this Game they were struggling to take the lead late.  A pass was thrown to, I believe, Wide Receiver Anthony Carter, but it went through his hands and into the hands of the defender behind him for an Interception.  And I got so fucking angry that I threw the remote I had in my hand across my room.  It hit the floor and shattered into a dozen pieces.

So based on experience, I was sure that, once again, because of my temper and because I didn't put the remote where I should have, I have ruined another remote control.  So I bought another one through eBay.  Got it, took it out, exchanged the batteries in the old remote into the new one ... and it still didn't work.  Man, did I get suckered into buying a lemon remote control?

But then I stopped and thought.  This new (well, actually used) remote has to work.  So ... is it the batteries?  I grabbed two new AAs and put them into the remote control I bought -- and it worked.  And so I put those same new batteries into the remote that I flung across my bedroom -- and it worked, too!  So the remote wasn't broken, but the batteries just didn't work?!  I was able to use that remote up to, oh, 30 minutes before it got catapulted by my blanket, and that is precisely when the batteries decided to run out of juice???

I don't believe it, and I still don't fuckin' believe it.  Now I got a back-up remote I don't need (no way am I returning that to the person who sent it; I have some sense of pride and I can afford to waste eight bucks) and two batteries I'm still puzzled as to how it suddenly died on me at the exact same time I should have broken my remote control.  But hey, I don't have to get up to change the television any more like I used to when I was a kid, so maybe this will be the last thing I say about it.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -2).  Beat Harvard and Cornell over the weekend in the "D1 In DC" proof-of-concept showcase in Our Nation's Capitol.  Yeah, I don't know what else to say -- except that winning two tilts away from home is good enough (at least for this screening Week) to reach the top spot.

Hosting Bemidji St. Friday and Saturday.

#-2: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -8).  Crushed Arkansas-Pine Bluff by 19 Tuesday, but I'm still very sour about their choke Loss to Missouri, so whatever.

They visit San Francisco tonight/Sunday night; they're no pushover, so this might be a tough one.  Plus, this is this club's first away Game after starting the Year with five at Williams Arena.  Will this be like the Game against Mizzou?

#-3: Timberwolves (Last Week: Positive Numbers).  So I detailed my trip to see the Wolves face and beat New York here.  I was afraid I would be going to the Game that ended this suddenly-frisky team's winning streak.  Didn't happen on Monday, nor did it happen when they defeated Philadelphia by 13 at Target Center Thanksgiving Eve, although that may be because the Joel Embiid decided not to suit up.

Unfortunately the streak did end at three after Friday's 13-Point defeat at home to Sacramento.  This one hurts a tad more because that Loss was an In-Season Tournament Game.  That gave the group the Timberwolves are in to Sacramento, which, if I am right, means that there is only spot left in the Western Conference (as comprised for this In-Season Tournament) for a Wild Card, so that drops these Dogs down in this survey.

There is one more Game left in the Group State of the In-Season: Tuesday at Target against The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics.  Thank goodness my friend has a free ticket for that one.  Not only do I want a picture of the court being used for only this tournament (kind of a shame such a court is being used for only two Games), I want to see if the Timberwolves play as if they want to advance to the Tournament's Knockout Round.  If the records are tied, I believe the tie-breaker is Point Difference, and right now, Minnesota is in the red, so that means that they need to blow out Oklahoma City and not let Point Difference get its grubby hands on this process.  And as I hear, sadly, the Bastard Sonics are stronger this year than last -- kind of just like the Timberwolves.

This is just the apex of a busy four-Game Week.  They also visit Memphis, host Utah, and play at Charlotte (all these are non-In-Season Tournament Games).

#-4: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -3).  Was at last Sunday's mammoth tilt vs. Paige Bueckers and UConn.  First of all, while it was only nearly a sell-out (there was enough empty space around me in the nosebleeds to feel I wasn't being crowded), there were a hell of a lot of people there (over 10,000, even though that may be tickets scanned and not actual attendance) and a hell of a lot more people than I thought would be at the Gopher men's Game versus Missouri but definitely weren't.

And second of all, believe it or not, there was a path for the Gophers to topple the Huskies.  Head Coach Dawn Plitzuweit told her players to shoot the fuck out of the ball from three, and they did.  Can't blame the strategy: If those shots would've gone in, Minnesota was going to give Connecticut a game.  Hell, for one half they did; they only trailed 26-23 at Halftime.  Unfortunately, they couldn't hit the broad side of a barn, even though the Huskies let them fire up shot after shot from deep.  In the first half, they hoisted 20 3's ... and made only four of them.  It could've been such a different story if they had made more treys early in the Game to set the tone, but unfortunately the big run great teams in women's college basketball have in them happened in the Third Quarter, where UConn outscored the Gophs 21-6 to blow the Game wide open on their way to a 62-44 Win.

The team recovered to rout Cal State-Northridge Wednesday 84-31 (!!!), which means to me that this group has a lot of talent, just nowhere near enough to compete with the elite and maybe even ranked teams.  I don't know where Stony Brook, Norfolk St. and Drake fall in that spectrum, but I know that this club is playing all three of them this screening Week to finish up their eight-Match season-opening homestand.

#-5: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: 0).  In their last regular season Matches of the Year, both at home, they swept Illinois and lost to top-ranked (and presumptive Queens Of The Hill/overall #1 Seed for the NCAA Tournament) Nebraska in four Sets.  People are now saying that the U. not only has been safe for the field for some time, they are now the proverbial "team that no one wants to face."  It's great to go in hot, but they probably won't host a regional.  In fact, they will not be seeded and so will be sent somewhere to play on the road.  Selection show's tonight/Sunday at 5; their season may be over this time next Week.

#-6: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -5).  The second Game of their season at home against Michigan St. is this/Sunday afternoon, so there's only Game for the Week, which was a Shootout Loss Black Friday night.  Not that big of a deal unless the Spartans win this/Sunday afternoon.  They will also visit Penn St. for two Friday and Saturday.  Busy screening Week for the male icers.

#-7: Vikings (Last Week: -4).  The Josh Dobbs hype was so overblown that the correction was going to be equally absurd.  And yet the narrative around him has changed after last Sunday's Loss in Denver from "This guy could be an MVP contender!" to "No wonder this guy has been on three teams over the past year!"  I admit that I got suckered into a feel-good story.  I think he knows what he's doing.  But Dobbs wasn't able to do his part; the Vikes were settling for Field Goals where getting Touchdowns would have put the tilt away.  Instead, they let the Broncos hang around, and Russell Wilson, who has lost only once all-time against Minnesota, led them on a late drive that was capped by a Hail Mary-esque cross-field catch in the End Zone by Courtland Sutton.  The Broncos repeatedly dialed up Blitzes on Dobbs on the ensuing drive, and the Vikes couldn't advance the ball.

Tomorrow/Monday night they host Chicago.  Is the Dobbs bloom permanently off the rose?

#-8: Wild (Last Week: -7).  Lost to Toronto in Sweden, then lost at home to The Bastard Quebec Nordiques to extend their losing streak to six.  People thought this was a playoff squad -- wouldn't do anything once there, but they would've made it.  Now?  Heh, perish the thought.

The most fight this team has exhibited, in fact, came during warm-ups before Friday's defeat to Colorado.  Marc-Andre Fleury wanted permission to wear a specially-designed Native American mask for warm-ups.  The NHL, because they fucking suck (BRING BACK THE NORTH STARS!!!), said no, and they were threatening to fine both Flower and the organization if he did.  Well, Fleury fucking wore the facemask anyway -- and it appears as though the league will not fine at least him.  Flower and the Wild put up the mask for auction; it's getting bucks now, I hear.  Good.

This Week: At Detroit, home to St. Louis, at Nashville.

#-Infinity: Gopher football (Last Week: -6).  Possibly the most disappointing season in The P. J. Fleck Era came to in ignominious end -- a doubling-up by Wisconsin whereby they won back Paul Bunyan's Axe, and they did it at Huntington Bank.  The Badgers were there for the taking, especially because they reached bowl eligibility last Week.  But not only did the U. lose, they didn't seem all that competitive.

So the Goofers end at 5-7.  They actually have an outside shot of making a bowl if there aren't enough 6-6 teams to grab up all the bowl spots because the players are so smart.  Still, having a below .500 record in Fleck's seventh season here feels like a step back.  A few Weeks ago I could believe Fleck would bolt for a lateral job.  I think now his aura has dimmed, to the point where he could be on the hot seat if things stay this bad next season.  I think most fans are realistic that they're not Michigan or Alabama; that doesn't mean they'll just accept a series of 5-7 seasons.  For less than charitable reasons, watch this space.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

Positive Numbers: Timberwolves (Last Week: -3).  The hype surrounding this club is as deafening as I can remember hearing it.  Target Center had that proverbial "playoff atmosphere" as they fended off Boston in Overtime Monday, 114-109, then stacked that with victories at home over The Bastard Charlotte Hornets Wednesday and at San Antonio Friday in the Wolves' first (-ever) In-Season Tournament Group Stage Game.  For a team that has consistently been inconsistent over the Years, they have won five in a row.  Most impressively, they are currently the best defensive team in the NBA.  Maybe, just maybe, this franchise has turned a corner.  And I'm encouraged enough to not only put them in the top spot of the WMNSS, but also place them in Positive Numbers.

So they will conclude their five-Game road trip this Week.  They have two Games at Golden State, this/Sunday night and Tuesday.  However, only the Tuesday night Game is an In-Tournament one.  They will the play Phoenix Wednesday and New Orleans Saturday.

#0: Vikings (Last Week: -2).  OK, Kevin O'Connell can coach.  He loses his starting Quarterback, Kirk Cousins, for the season; he sees his back-up, rookie Jaren Hall, leave in the First Quarter of the Game last Sunday versus the Falcons in Atlanta.  So in comes Josh Dobbs, who was traded from Arizona but started several of their Games this season.  He hadn't had reps with the first team.  He has barely taken any practice snaps.  And yet KOC brought him up to speed during the Game and directed him to throw the ball where he was supposed to.  Dobbs did, and along with some timely runs, the Vikings came back to defeat Atlanta, 31-28, their fourth Win in a row that puts them above .500 for the first time all Year.  Detroit (of all teams) might be the class of the NFC North Division, but the Vikings are fighting for a playoff spot, and I didn't see that coming coming into the Year.  That puts them also above negative numbers.  But can they keep it going at home today/Sunday against New Orleans?

#-1: Gopher men's basketball (NEW SEASON!!!).  A promising start, so far, for Head Coach Ben Johnson, who, in only his third Year, by all rights is on the hot seat.  His first Year was bad, at 13-17, although everyone was giving him a mulligan.  Last Year, his second, the squad was 9-22, and there were Games where the Losses were so bad that you wondered if leadership knew what it was doing.  He's doing a good job rectifying what predecessor Richard Pitino simply didn't want to do: Keep the best players in Minnesota in-state.  But there has to be a little more than competence shown this season.

Bethune-Cookman and Texas-San Antonio certainly ain't Duke and Kansas, but you would be right to be suspicious based on track record whether the Gophs could win both Games, even if they were at Williams Arena.  But they did, and by respective margins of 20 and 26.  But now comes the only non-conference tilt vs. a BcS school, as Missouri comes to The Barn Thursday.  This will be a fair test as to how good, or at least not bad, they are this season.  And I'll get to see it in-person 'cause I bought a ticket!  Oh, they'll continue their five-Game homestand that opens their season against South Carolina-Upstate Saturday.

#-2: Gopher women's basketball (NEW SEASON!!!).  They began their season Wednesday with a 92-57 rout of Long Island at Williams, a right start for new Head Coach Dawn Plitzuweit.  After the unfortunately bad tenure of local legend Lindsay Whalen, Plitzuweit comes here with an opportunity to jump-start the club and the program.  I truly believe that Minnesota is a sleeping giant.  Whalen was able to keep some of the best high schoolers in-state; she just could not coach them up.  Plitzuweit, who has coached at four colleges dating back to 2002, has a .721 coaching record and, in her only season coaching at West Virginia last Year, took the Mountaineers to the NCAA Tournament, can.  More importantly, Whalen's recruits all have decided to stay.  If Whalen was the issue, Plitzuweit can change things around in a snap.

Like the men, the women are also kicking off the season with a lengthy homestand.  They'll host Chicago St. and North Dakota St. this screening Week.

#-3: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -4).  If there is any rivalry that has leaped in prominence over the past, oh, five Years or so, it's Minnesota-Michigan.  They're the two programs that recruit the best, and they have clashed in the postseason more and more often, which creates the animosity that fans come to the arena to enjoy.  Like I have said before, it'll have to be heated rivalries like this that will help erase the memories of the old WCHA and CCHA.

The U. split their series with the Wolverines at Yost Arena over the weekend, coming back from a 3-1 deficit by scoring three straight to win on Friday, 4-3, then losing in a Shootout last/Saturday night.  These two teams will see a lot more of each other over the rest of the season.

Host Notre Dame Friday and Saturday.

#-4: Wild (Last Week: -6).  Was in New York State all screening Week.  Doubled up the Islanders, but got whacked by the Rangers and then got nipped in the bud in Buffalo.  Meanwhile, Jared Spurgeon just got back from Long-Term Injury Reserve.  He wasn't gone that long, so how could he have ever gone on LTIR?  Just a thought.

Season's still young(-ish), so being out of a playoff spot isn't the worst thing in the world.  But that Defense had better get its act together or ... oh, who are we kidding, they're not winning the Stanley Cup this Year.

Weirdly sparse screening Week.  This/Sunday evening they host The Team That Was Stolen From Us v.2.0.  They then visit Ottawa Saturday.

#-5: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -5).  Won in four Sets at Northwestern, lost in four Sets at home to Purdue.  There is some serious retrenching going on.  I might have to take back my prediction that these players have done enough to ensure their place in the NCAA Tournament.

Busy Week ahead for this squad: At Indiana this/Sunday afternoon, then host Iowa and Ohio St. back-to-back at home Friday and Saturday.

#-6: Gopher football (Last Week: -7).  You've heard of the seven-year itch, haven't you?  Well, this is P. J. Fleck's seventh season at the helm of the Gopher program, and after getting blasted yesterday/Saturday afternoon by a 49-30 score to a Purdue team that was 1-5 in the Big Ten and 2-7 overall, I think both sides are getting pretty goddamn antsy as to where this is headed.  Minnesota is nowhere close to being Ohio St. or Michigan.  (It's a goal, it's always a goal, but college football has a hardened hierarchy, and recognizing that isn't submitted, it's just reality.)  But there has to be progress, and I think one of those steps in progressing is being the best of the rest, and beating teams you are supposed to beat on paper.

But along with inexplicable Losses to Northwestern and Illinois, this is the third defeat to a club the U. should be better than.  And as I have said before, the Losses to inferior teams in the past pile up.  No one is saying that Fleck hasn't changed this program for the better.  But I think they are saying that they expected more, and they should.  Now, we still have a team that has yet to become bowl-eligible, and I doubt they'll be able to do that next Week when they visit Ohio St.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -2).  Swept St. Thomas by a combined 12-0 over the weekend.  The 8-0 rout Friday was played in the afternoon at the Xcel Energy Center as part of a women's & men's college hockey Doubleheader between the two schools; see the men below.

Other than that, blah-blah-blah, tournament.  Busy Week ahead: They host St. Cloud St. on a rare Tuesday tilt, then visit Ohio St. Friday and Saturday for a two-Game series.

#-2: Gopher men's hockey (NEW SEASON!).  In one way, last Year's title-Game losers didn't ease their way into the new season: The club's first regular season Game was back on Friday night as the back end of the U./St. Thomas college hockey DH at the X.  But since they were playing The Tommies, they were easing their way into the start of the season.

Or so they thought.  The Gophers made it 2-0 after one Period, but St. Thomas then scored four straight.  Minnesota then scored three in a row, only for The Tommies to tie it with about seven Minutes left to go in regulation.  Then, in the cheap scheme known as 3x3 Overtime, Jimmy Snuggerud scored the Game-ender by jetting past a Tommies Defender and getting one past St. Thomas Goalie Aaron Trotter.  I thought about going to the Game but decided against it because I have triskaidekaphobia.  The Gophs then completed the home-and-home sweep last/Saturday night by beating The Tommies by a more-comfortable 3-0 score.

They should retain their ranking, whether it be 2 or 1, for next Week, a Week in which they'll revive their cooled-off rivalry with North Dakota this weekend in Grand Forks, N. D.

#-3: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -4).  Hmmm ... just as I was ready to write these women off, they rip off a pair of Wins at home (3-1 over Illinois on Sunday, 2-0 over Ohio St. Thursday) to put them in the conversation for the conference tournament.  With three Matches and two screening Weeks left, the Golden Gophers (along with Iowa) are only two Points behind The Buckeyes, Michigan and Rutgers for sixth.  Now, they face a red-hot Nebraska outfit this/Sunday afternoon to finish up their three-Game homestand (as well as wrap up the home portion of their schedule), but as the Cornhuskers have won their last three, the U. is unbeaten in its last three.  A visit to Northwestern comes Thursday.

#-4: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -7).  This team rebounded from their humiliating sweep at the Atlantic schools by sweeping Michigan in Ann Arbor -- guess they're not as good right now as they historically are -- on Wednesday.  But those back-to-back Losses to Maryland and Rutgers feels fatal to their tournament hopes.  They begin a three-Game homestand with contests versus Northwestern Sunday and Rutgers Friday.

#-5: Wild (NEW SEASON!).  It's, er, wild to see all the U. teams ranked before the pro teams for this Week's survey.  But to be a Minnesota sports fan is to know pain, and to be pain, and then to become pain.  Anyway, the Mild started their season Thursday by beating Stanley Cup Finals Losers Florida, 2-0, on home ice.  They then went to Toronto last/Saturday night and ruined their perfect record as they got clubbed by the Maple Leafs, 7-4.  Auston Matthews notched a Hat Trick; he becomes only the fifth player in National Hockey League history to open a season with consecutive Hat Tricks, and only the second to do so in the past 105 seasons.  For the record, Alex Ovechkin did it in 2017, and then you have to go back an exact Century, to 1917, to see that feat accomplished -- and, by chance, it was done by three players.

Oh, but back to the Wild: Is anybody really thinking these guys are going to do anything special?  This is the second of four Years where the buyouts of Zach Parise and Ryan Suter are damaging the organization's salary cap, and this is the first of two seasons where those buyouts bite the hardest, with a $14.7 million salary cap hit.  (It was only $12.7 million last season.)  They're banking on Rookies to grow up fast and become superstars and scorers (Matt Boldy, Marco Rossi, Brock Faber) because they have no other way to improve the team.  And yet, writers and analytics people think the Mild will reach the playoffs ... and summarily excuse themselves out of the Stanley Cup Playoffs as soon as they walk in.  I think I've said that same shit for the past Decade about this squad now.  Why in the fuck should we think this season will be any different?

You wanna jazz up this organization?  Take back The North Stars name, logo, colors and history.  Do that -- and make sure Dallas doesn't get to use any North Stars intellectual property -- and I'll be yours forever.

This Week: In Montreal Tuesday, then home to Los Angeles Thursday and Columbus Saturday.

#-6: Vikings (Last Week: -3).  It was a lot closer than I initially thought it would be.  But honestly, it was Patrick Mahomes making plays out of nowhere that helped his Bastard Dallas Texans walk out of Ooooooosbahhhhhhhhhhhnk Stadium with a 27-10 victory.  That pushed the Vikes down to 1-4.  Worse yet, the turf monster apparently was hungry in Minneapolis as both Justin Jefferson and Travis Kelce slipped on the ... whatever that is and were slow to get up.  Jefferson got victimized by it badly; he's out 4-6 Weeks with a bad hamstring.

So the season's over, even though no one is saying it is.  Talk continues to foment that the squad should just trade Kirk Cousins.  It makes sense, but no one seriously believes that'll happen, mostly because Cousins has a no-trade clause.  So we are just playing out the string; this/Sunday afternoon they face The Bears in Chicago, who are also 1-4 but might be very close to hitting rock bottom.

#-Infinity: Twins (Last Week: -1).  As a Minnesota sports fan, I'm used to seeing so many good Twin Cities clubs play their way into a postseason only to be eliminated nowhere near the championship series/Game that, when the Twinks were finally bumped off by The Houston Asterisks, all I could do was shrug.  I mean, at least they broke their 18-Game postseason losing streak, then won their Wild Card Series vs. Toronto.  That's ... something.  And as a beaten and abused Minnesota sports fan, we'll take it.

Now, seeing that of the four Division Series, the underdog won three of them, and the fourth were the Twinks, that hurts and I think the franchise is responsible for knuckling under the superior Trashtros when Philadelphia, Arizona and The Bastard Washington Senators v.2.0 were able to overcome home-field advantage.  And yeah, I know Minnesota won Game 2 in Houston.  But they lost Games 3 and 4 in Minneapolis, and that was fucking humiliating.  (I couldn't even stand to watch it, and I was working both Games!  I paced outside by the production trucks while the Games were on, and it turns out that was the right decision.)  So, this wasn't the worst playoff Loss in Minnesota sports history, it may not even reach the middle of the list, but it has its low points.

What to do in the offseason?  Say goodbye to Byron Buxton, figure out their Starting Rotation (I think Kenta Maeda is the first starter out the door, but I want to keep him around), and hope to Buddha Royce Lewis comes back to Ft. Myers at 100%.  They get all those things right and ... they'll be back in the playoffs and I'll pray they don't go out like bitches.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

This might have been the Week that broke me.  This might be the Week where I finally stop giving a flying fuck about sports because no goddamn team in this town can win when it fucking counts.

#-1: Gopher softball (Last Week: -1).  In a dark Week for Minnesota sports, you take your victories where you can get them.  And you look to the bright spot that is the Golden Gopher softball squad, who ran the table with a perfect 5-0 Week.  They finished off a sweep of at Cowles Stadium last Sunday, 2-1 in nine Innings, then dominated Wisconsin in Madison in a Doubleheader Shutout sweep Tuesday, 9-0 (in five Innings) and 7-0.  And they're going to win their series over Ohio St. in Columbus after winning 7-1 and 10-6.  Now that I understand how the projected bracket is laid out, it looks as though the U. is safely in the field for the NCAA Tournament, even though it looks very unlikely they'll get to host a Regional.  No matter; they're on a seven-Game winning streak with one more at the Buckeyes finishing the regular season at home against Michigan.

#-2: Twins (Last Week: -3).  The Woofie Dogs and the Mild fucked up so spectacularly this screening Week that we forgot that the Twinks went 5-2 this Week.  They took two-of-three at home versus The New York Yankees and thus won the season series vs. the Yanks for the first time since 2001.  Think about it: The last time the Twinks won more Games than lost versus the Yanks was before 9/11.

They currently hold a 2 1/2-Game lead over Cleveland in the AL Central, but don't worry, they're a Minnesota team, so they'll fuck this up soon enough.  One more at home vs. Kansas City, then they travel to the horrifically underachieving White Sox and said Guardians, both for three.

#-3: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -4).  The baseball Nine are doing a Goofus-and-Gallant routine with the softball team.  Finished the Week 2-3.  Started off said Week by getting swept by Illinois on the road, even though they lost last Sunday, 6-5.  They then got blitzed at Siebert Tuesday by North Dakota St., 10-3, before bouncing back and beating St. Thomas the next evening by a score of 9-4.  They came back in a big way against Nebraska in Lincoln, scoring five Runs in the Ninth Inning to defeat the Cornhuskers 9-7 on Friday.  But the 'Huskers paid them back yesterday/Saturday afternoon.  They beat Minnesota -- or, according to the U. of M. athletic website, the Golden Gophers got "gashed" by Nebraska -- 18-0.  Do I regret saying this program has turned the corner?  Yeah, I'm starting to think saying that was unwise.

After one more in Lincoln, they host Michigan for a trio beginning on Friday.  Say, the softball Nine hosts Michigan the same weekend.  The Wolverines are flying out both teams on the same plane, right?

#-Infinity (tie): Wild and Timberwolves (Last Week: -2 and -6, respectively).  They're the reason I feel like I'm done with sports, these two fucking teams.  They go out like bitches in the same goddamn Week, at the same goddamn Round, and both in the same Round all Minnesota teams fucking do, the First fucking Round.  It's all the fucking same.

First of all, what did I tell you?  Nuggets in 5, Bastard North Stars in 6.  Should've opened up an online gambling account, put a quarter of my checking account on the Nugz, a quarter on The Team That Was Stolen From Us, and the rest in a parlay with those two.  I would have made a goddamn fortune, and at least some fucking good would have come from these twin emasculations.

It's the Mild that hurts more than the Woofie Dogs.  They lost to The Bastard North Stars.  Also, I reviewed what I said about them this time last Week, where I felt good since they were up 2-1.  Forgot that they were up 2-1 to St. Louis in the First Round of last season's Stanley Cup Playoffs, and then they proceeded to capitulate in three straight tilts.  Well ain't it a bitch, but they pissed down their fucking legs once again, and to The Team That Was Stolen From Us, too.  And like I feared but expected, they came back to the place they rightfully belong and fuckin' humiliate us on our home ice.  And we let them, like a bunch of motherfucking cucks.

Friday afternoon, just before Game 6, I heard Michael Russo, Mild beat writer for The Athletic, report that the morning skate was shit -- no energy, no passion, no work.  It was then I was convinced that Game 6 and the series was lost, and this mailing it in summarized the complete giving up of what ultimately appears to be a gutless club of chumps and quitters.  And it pains me since I actually, stupidly praised this merry band of mediocrities in last Week's WMNSS.

I don't care that Kirill Kaprizov was skating one leg, or that Mats Zuccarello was hurt the second half of the season, or that Joel Eriksson Ek wasn't around to win Faceoffs, or that Marcus Foligno got fucked over with bogus penalty calls.  With the possible exception of Brock Faber, not one of these fuckers stood up to The Team That Was Stolen From Us and fought back when it fuckin' mattered.  Ryan Suter is still a pussy-ass bitch, but he's on a winner.  And Dallas hockey fans are thieves and appropriators, but we're the losers.  Because our goddamn team apparently is filled with losers.

And they're in the same boat as the Woofie Dogs, who went out like the bitches they are against a Denver squad that outclassed them at every turn and gave them a pity Win so that the Nuggets organization could make money from tickets, concessions, merchandise and parking from a Game 5 home Win.  Both teams are capped out (although under slightly different circumstances; the Woofs are just capped out while the Mild will now go through the Dark Ages of being saddled with, like, $15 million in dead cap space for the next two Years).  Both teams anodyne but are too paralyzed to surround their star players (Kaprizov and Anthony Edwards) any meaningful help.  They might have to give up good players just so they can get under their respective caps, and then there's no apparent plan as to who they can bring in to actually help the team.  The only way forward, it looks like, is down.  And since their highs are a series of First Round exits, these moribund franchises haven't really done a fuckin' thing when they were supposedly good.

What a goddamn disaster this is -- these postseasons, these teams, and Twin Cities sports in general.  Why in the fuck do I give a shit about sports?  Why?

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Twins (Last Week: -1).  In an overall not great screening Week for the Twin Cities sports teams, I'm putting the Twins on top in spite of their 4-3 performance ending the 16th.  Couldn't complete the sweep of the Asterisks, but took two-of-three at Target vs. the White Sox and then won the first two Games of a four-Game series at the Yankees before falling on Saturday.  Sure, it's not the postseason, where the cuck hex really hangs over this franchise, and they have won regular season tilts there before, but it's still better to beat the Yankees than not.  And they still lead the Guardians in the American League Central Division with a 10-5 record.  Hey, it could be worse.  And for this Week, that's best in Minnesota.

One more versus the Yanks, then they go to the other lodestar in Major League Baseball, Boston, for three starting on Tuesday.  They then return home for a trio beginning on Friday against The Bastard Montreal Expos.

#-2: Gopher softball (Last Week: -4).  Won the series with an 8-5 Win in the rubber Match with Indiana at Cowles Sunday, then went to East Lansing and ripped Michigan St., 13-1 Friday before splitting a Doubleheader Saturday (they were supposed to finish this trio today/Sunday, but inclement weather today/Sunday led them to push that contest up to yesterday/Saturday afternoon).  A 3-1 Week gets them to 6-6 in the Big Ten and 25-16 overall.  And before this Week, this website projects the Gophers to be in the NCAA Tournament.  Cool.

It seems as though they will permanently play Wisconsin only twice a season in the form of a Doubleheader in the middle of a Week.  This Year that occurs Wednesday in Madison.  They then have a weekend three-Game series at home against Iowa.

#-3: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -5).  Prevented a sweep with a tripling of Purdue, 9-3, last Sunday at Siebert.  Then they beat North Dakota St. Tuesday, 12-9.  The weather then caused a couple changes with the weekend series here versus Iowa.  First they turned Saturday's Game to a Friday DH, which the teams split.  (By the way, the Hawkeyes have what I think is their first genuine First Round Draft Pick in my lifetime in Pitcher Brody Brecht.  He made news recently because he was a two-sport star at Iowa, but after not doing much as a Wide Receiver [I hear the whole Hawkeyes Offense didn't do much last season] and seeing how good he really is as hurler, he has done a reverse Kyler Murray and is going to drop football and focus on baseball.  Brecht was the Starting Pitcher for the Hawkeyes for the first Game of the Doubleheader ... and he took the Loss.  He lasted only 4 1/3 Innings and gave up five Runs.)  The Sunday finale was supposed to remain on Sunday, but because there's FUCKING SNOW coming today, they moved that up to yesterday/Saturday, and the Gophs got drilled, 18-4.

OK, so the squad is 10-24 overall.  But they are 4-5 in-conference, and I feel as though they have been more competitive than they have been since the aborted 2020 season.  I continue to insist that they are rising off of rock bottom.

St. Thomas here Wednesday, then at Illinois for three starting on Friday.

#-4: Timberwolves (Last Week: -2).  This may have been The Wildest Week In Timberwolves History.  First, last Sunday, they closed out the regular season by roaring back from 30-18 deficit after one Quarter to beat The Bastard Charlotte Hornets by five.  Yes, this is the Game where Rudy Gobert took a swing at Kyle Anderson after Anderson called The Stifle Tower a "bitch" several times.  And before (I think) that incident, Jaden McDaniels, for reasons I still don't quite know, went partway down the tunnel to the team locker room, stopped, and punched the wall.  The wall usually wins; J-Mac fractured his hand and is out for the Year.

And through all that self-inflicted tumult, the Woofie Dogs got into the 7/8 Play-In Game Tuesday ... where they had an 11-Point Halftime lead at The Team That Was Stolen From Us v.1.0 and went ice cold in the Fourth Quarter, finally succumbing to Los Angeles in Overtime by six.  To their credit and to my surprise, they dominated The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics Friday in the last chance Game, stuffing Oklahoma City inside time after time and routing them by 25.  Their reward for reaching the real playoffs?  A series with Denver.  Now I hear that the Wolves are a bad fit for the Nuggets in a couple ways, foremost among them having two bigs (Gobert and Karl-Anthony Towns) to Denver's one (albeit a budding Hall Of Fame one in Nikola Jokic).  But Gobert still hasn't fully integrated himself into Minnesota's system.  Plus there's still the absence of McDaniels, the team's best defender.  Denver isn't a glamour, and that's probably why I think they have a non-zero chance of winning this series.  But really, I think the Nuggets will throw the Two Elves a pity Win in Game 4 just so they can close them out in front of their home fans.  Nugz in five.

#-5: Wild (Last Week: -3).  Beat Chicago, but ended their season with back-to-back defeats to a Winnipeg club that eked into the playoffs and also-ran Nashville.  That ended their chances of winning the Central Division, and home-ice advantage for the First Round of the postseason.  And because The Bastard Quebec Nordiques were able to beat Nashville, the Wild's First Round opponent will be ... The Team That Was Stolen From Us v.2.0.  Fucking great.

A part of me wants to go to a Game (by the way, Games 3 and 4 for the Wild and the Timberwolves will be on the same days, Friday and Sunday.  Moreover, Game 3 for both teams start at the same time, 8:30.  I find that to be both so wrong and so preventable.  Is there no consideration for the local fan base when it comes to giving different times for teams from the same city?) wearing my North Stars jersey, but I'm afraid a Wild fan will hit me.  But there's also a chance I'll punch a Bastard North Stars fan, too, so it's probably better I don't go at all.  Besides, this is a matchup I really dread, because I am scared that those Dallas hockey thieves are going to come in here and cuck us as a way to justify them stealing our team and our history.  And since God hates me, I think that'll happen.  And in a direct contrast to The Denver Nuggets, those motherfucking appropriators are going to close out their series in St. Paul as a way to humiliate us and (wrongly) claim our history as theirs.  Them in six, goddammit.

#-6: United FC (Last Week: -6).  The bloom from the great start this XI had is gone now that they're on a two-Game losing streak.  More distressing is that in three home Games, MNUFC had the lead in all three and have blown it.  At least for the first two they held on for a Draw.  But last/Saturday night they choked on the lead (no surprise, they're a Minnesota team) and lost 2-1 to Orlando.  The Game-winner was a fucking atrocity; a lateral pass was made to a wide-open OCSC player who, luckily, hit the crossbar.  But it went straight to Duncan McGuire, who was in the middle of at least four Loons players but wasn't really marked by any of them.  They surrounded him as if he was being sacrificed in a satanic ritual.  Anyway, McGuire headed it home, and now United FC seems to be who everyone thought they would be.  And since I witnessed this bullshit with my own eyes, they get the ass end of the WMNSS.

No league Match this Week, but they begin participation in the U. S. Open Cup Tuesday at Detroit City.  If they lose, I probably will talk about them in next Week's survey, and assuredly, they'll be at the ass end again.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Twins (Last Week: -1).  Not a bad start.  Started off the screening Week with a 7-4 win over Kansas City, finishing a road sweep of the Royals.  They then dropped two-of-three at Miami, but started the home portion of their schedule winning the first two Games of a three-Game series versus the defending World Series Champion Houston Asterisks Astros.  The pitching, particularly from the starters, has been exquisite.  Combined, all hurlers for Minnesota struck out 16 Houston batters in Friday's 3-2, ten-Inning Win and 17 in yesterday/Saturday afternoon's 9-6 victory.  Thirty-three Strikeouts against a team built by cheating?  That's very impressive.  Not enough to put them above negative numbers, don't get ahead of yourselves, but being able to mow opponents down in at-bats is going to be a great force multiplier if they can keep this up.

One more vs. Houston, then the White Sox come to town for three before they play at Yankee Stadium for four beginning Thursday.

#-2: Timberwolves (Last Week: -5).  They eked out a five-Point Win at Brooklyn, which was clutch, and they blew out the Spurs in a tilt that was being played in Austin for some reason.  But I have to go back to Sunday, where they hosted a Portland team that had already been eliminated from postseason contention and had shut down Damian Lillard for the season ... and lost, 107-105.  It didn't necessarily damage their standing when it comes to the Play-In Games, but this/Sunday afternoon's finale versus The Bastard Charlotte Hornets -- played at Target Center, so they had to hightail it back here after playing in Austin -- is mammoth; the Timberwolves sit ninth while New Orleans sits eighth.  The Team That Was Stolen From Us is seventh, but Minnesota technically could finish as high as seventh and thus be in the same position as they were last Year, being able to host (and win) the first Play-In contest.  Necessary for that to happen, of course, is for them to win.  But one more victory could have pushed more tie-breakers their way.  Now, there's a good chance they'll host The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics in the 9/10 Game On Wednesday and then have to play on the road Friday to get to the playoffs.

#-3: Wild (Last Week: -2).  Meanwhile, the Mild got nipped by Las Vegas in a Shootout at the X and got blasted by a desperate Pittsburgh squad Thursday before handling St. Louis at home last/Saturday night.  I keep comparing the Mild with the Woofie Dogs for this Week's WMNSS and even though the Mild went 1-2, the record for the Week is only one reason I have the Mild below the Woofie Dogs.  Yes, the Mild have a better overall regular season record, and yes, it appears as though both teams will fall short of reaching a plateau that will spare them more difficulties once the playoffs start -- for the Woofie Dogs it's getting at least the sixth Seed and thus escaping the Play-Ins; for the Mild it's capturing the Central Division crown.  But for now, it looks as though Minnesota will, once again, be third in the Division standings, and for this Year, there's a likelihood they'll face The Bastard North Stars.  While I want sweet revenge on The Team That Was Stolen From Us v.2.0, after seeing the leg-pissing the Goofer men's hockey team did in the title Game (see all the way below), I have no belief any Minnesota team will grow some balls and win when they are not supposed to.  For fuck's sake, Twin Cities clubs can't win when they are supposed to.  So I am sort of leaning on the burden the Minnesota pro hockey sports team bears in ranking them below the Minnesota pro basketball team.

But I digress.  On the bright side, the Mild are only two Points behind The Bastard North Stars and The Bastard Quebec Nordiques, and there are three Games left to play in the regular season.  And they'll all be played this Week: In Chicago tomorrow/Monday, home to The Bastard Atlanta Thrashers (who are fighting The Bastard Atlanta Flames for the final spot in the Western Conference) the very next night, and at Nashville Thursday.

#-4: Gopher softball (Last Week: -4).  Split a series-ending Doubleheader at home vs. Penn St. Sunday, then got tripled by Indiana Friday before winning 6-5 yesterday/Saturday afternoon on a Game-ending Sacrifice Fly which, wow, ended the Hoosiers' winning streak of 23 Games.  Kayla Chavez was the winning Run, and that is the second time I have mentioned her name here.  This Week: One more against Indiana this/Sunday afternoon, then three at Michigan St. starting on Friday.

#-5: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -3).  Won a Big Ten series for the first time in a long time (I think) by tripling up Ohio St. in Columbus Sunday.  Even with a Shutout defeat to Purdue on Friday and a 15-3 blowout Loss to the Boilermakers yesterday/Saturday afternoon, I kind of think this program has started to turn the corner.  I mean, they can't get any worse than the past couple seasons, right?  Oh yeah, their two midweek tilts have been cancelled (St. Thomas) or postponed (South Dakota St.) presumably because it's too cold.  After Purdue this/Sunday afternoon, they're scheduled to play North Dakota St. on Tuesday and a three-Game set at Siebert versus Iowa beginning Friday.

#-6: United FC (Last Week: 0).  Didn't expect their first Loss of the Year would come against Chicago (albeit on the road), but they did, 2-1 last/Saturday night.  Well, at least they lost on the road.  They host Orlando Saturday night.

#-Infinity: Gopher men's hockey (Re-Entry!).  All I can say is ... fuck you guys.  I don't care how bad you feel.  Fuck all you guys.  You represented the best chance for a Twin Cities championship in years, if not decades, if not a generation, featuring The Best Forward Line In Program History.  I mean that.

And you motherfuckers actually had a 2-0 lead.  And you choked, motherufucking big time.  All those haters who say #GoldenChokers?  They're right.  They're right and you know it.  And now we have to continue being #MinnesotaIsLoservilleUSA because of you goddamn failures.

I am now convinced I won't see a championship from a major sports team in town (and the Gopher men's hockey team probably is the cutline; if you think a Twin Cities team is less popular than them, then they're not a major sports team) as long as I live.  Fuck, at this rate, I won't see a championship from any sports team in town as long as I live.  We fucking suck at sports.  Guess we're OK when it comes to quality of life issues, but sports?  We're shit.  We fuckin' blew it when the Gopher women's hockey team got upset by Wisconsin.  We fuckin' blew it when the Whitecaps lost to Toronto in OT of the Isobel Cup Final.  And now we fuckin' blew it here.  My God, I want to fucking shoot myself.

(By the way, I was debating whether to watch this Game or go watch the Red Hot Chili Peppers concert.  I ultimately decided to go to the concert because 1) I saw a deal where someone was selling a nosebleed seat for cheap and, combined with a credit I got for being a season-ticketholder for United FC, I got in for less than eight bucks, and 2) I thought they were going to lose.  Would I give up watching RHCP to see them lose?  Fuck no; if they would have won, I would have been happy seeing the headline on my way out of U. S. Bank Stadium.  But while waiting for the outgoing crowd to clear so I could buy a t-shirt, I put on The Athletic and saw that those shitheads lost.  I made the right choice.)

It speaks to the popularity of the Goofer men's hockey team that so, so many people are pissed off at them for fucking this up.  There are a lot of angry, upset, hurt, and demoralized fans that are now convinced we are a damned sports fanbase.  It is cold comfort, but it seems like more people are coming around to my way of thinking.  If this is a catalyst for being even more furious at the decades-long mediocrity of local sports teams, and if that leads to those teams actually doing something in order to finally win a championship -- well, the viciousness and toxicity spewing out of all of our mouths right now would be worth it.  But I'm not holding my breath.

Meanwhile, I will put the U. men's hockey team on par with the U. volleyball team.  I might watch Games if the tickets are dirt cheap, but until you actually goddamn win something, I'm done.  And so I go back to my original point: Fuck you guys.

EVERYBODY SUCKS IN THIS GODDAMN SPORTS TOWN!!!  NO ONE CAN FUCKING WIN ANYTHING AROUND HERE!!!

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#0: Timberwolves (Last Week: -2).  OK, I have to note that the Timberwolves lost their season finale at home to Chicago, 124-120.  That gave me some pause as to winning Tuesday's Play-In at Target Center versus The Bastard Buffalo Braves/San Diego Clippers.  That squad announced that Paul George was coming back from injury, and even though Kawhi Leonard will not be back this season, hearing PG-13 was back made my teeth chatter.

And then I heard the Clips was able to harass Karl-Anthony Towns into foul trouble all Game.  KAT such a shit Game that he fouled himself out in the middle of the Fourth Quarter with only 11 Points on 3-of-11 shooting, upon which the Clippers built a sizable lead.  But the Wolves are more than one man, and the other members of The Big 3 -- Anthony Edwards and D'Angelo Russell -- plus sparkplug/asshole-who-I'm-glad-is-on-our-side Patrick Beverley stepped up and showed a grit and resilience I didn't quite believe they had.  Without KAT, the Timberwolves closed the last 7 1/2 Minutes of the Game on a 23-11 run to go from a seven-Point deficit to a 109-104 victory that officially put the Timberwolves into the playoffs.

The sold-out Target Center crowd by all accounts was wild and euphoric.  The celebration ripped the lid off of decades of frustration.  And to some, like the guys on The NBA On TNT, it was a little over the top:

"We need 'One Shining Moment'" 😂

Inside the NBA crew reacts to the Timberwolves' celebration after clinching the 7th seed. pic.twitter.com/kMkhQBhKkN

— NBA on TNT (@NBAonTNT) April 13, 2022

OK, first of all, we have sucked as a franchise since Day One.  This is only the second time this team has gotten into the playoffs since the 2004-5 season.  GIVE US THIS.

But also, I will say that this is a particularly gratifying way to reach the playoffs.  Not with a come-from-behind win behind (arguably) the best player on the team on the bench.  Towns and Anthony Edwards are original Timberwolves draftees.  Sure, D'Angelo Russell and Pat Bev came to Minnesota via trade.  But even unlike 2018, when the club was singularly sparked and led by trade product Jimmy Butler, the makeup of this Wolves squad feels organic, genuine -- in other words, to put it in passive-aggressive terms, "Minnesotan."  We tried to build this organization from the ground up and finally, goddamn finally, it seems to be working.

Sure, it looks as though the reward is a date with the similarly young and hungry Bastard Vancouver Grizzlies, starting this/Saturday afternoon.  ESPN.com asked 21 of its writers to predict the outcome of that First Round series, and all 21 picked the Grizz to win.  But note that even though Barkley and Smith busted the T-Wolves' balls for acting as if they won the NBA title, they both predicted the Wolves will win.  Now, KAT has to play better.  He has to, you know, actually play.  But regardless of what happens in this series, it feels like the franchise has finally done something right, and has built something that will be good for several Years.  And that's something to celebrate over.

#-1: Wild (Last Week: -1).  It is kind of shame to see that the Wild continue to play well -- they went undefeated this screening Week -- and yet not be able to make up any ground on The Bastard Quebec Nordiques nor get any separation away from the St. Louis Blues, the latter with which they remain tied on Points and therefore seem fated to clash with in the First Round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs.  The nature of the Wins gives some hope that these guys are tough; the Los Angeles Kings have been playing better as of late, and the Edmonton Oilers were red-hot, and both clubs came into the X and were promptly routed by Minnesota.

Also too, they went down to The Team That Was Stolen From Us and rightfully beat them after coughing up a pair of leads.  It's always a righteous day when The Team That Should Be The Minnesota North Stars beats The Bastard North Stars, even if it was in Overtime and gave them a fucking loser Point.

Does it really matter if the Blues gets home-ice advantage?  It's hockey, after all.  But those two teams meet in St. Louis this/Saturday afternoon -- about a half-hour before the Timberwolves tip; ooh, this could be another #MinnesotaIsLoservilleUSA day.  That starts a very busy Week for the club; they come back to St. Paul to host San Jose for Easter, visit Montreal Tuesday, then host Vancouver and Seattle Thursday and Friday.

#-2: Gopher softball (Last Week: -3).  This ballclub actually had some heat to them.  They won the series at Iowa last weekend by beating the Hawkeyes in eight Innings Saturday and six Sunday, then outlasted South Dakota St. at home in another eight-Inning affair on Wednesday.  But then they beginning this weekend's series at Nebraska last/Friday night by getting their brains beat in, 7-0.  They're 19-16-1 overall and only 5-5 in the Big Ten.

After finishing up in Lincoln, they host what appears to be an annual Doubleheader versus Wisconsin on Wednesday.  That kicks off a six-Game homestand; Maryland comes to town for three beginning Friday.

#-3: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -6).  A 2-2 Week.  Managed to avoid the sweep of the visiting (and ranked ... at the time) Maryland Terrapins with a 4-3 squeaker Sunday, a contest in which Manager John Anderson was tossed from the Game.  When's the last time that happened?  Anyway, with the tilt tied at 3 in the bottom of the Eighth, Brady Counsell, who had tripled, came home on a Wild Pitch.  That's the Goofers' first conference Win of the season, which means you take them however you can get them.  They then just got by St. Thomas at Sieber Tuesday, 2-1, before getting tripled at Iowa Friday, 9-3.

After finishing up in Iowa City, they host the Tommies for a second consecutive Tuesday.  Like with the softballers, that midweek showdown kicks off a six-Game homestand for the Nine; Penn St. comes to town for a trio starting on Friday.

#-4: Twins (Last Week: -4).  After losing last Saturday's Game by blowing a lead, they managed to win for the first time in the 2022 season Sunday, then gained a split with Seattle on Monday.  They then dropped both ends of a two-Game set vs. the Dodgers at Target.  In Wednesday's capper, Dodgers Pitcher Clayton Kershaw was pulled after seven perfect Innings, raising consternation by many who think baseball players are being too coddled in this age of analytics.  The hometown Bally Sports North crew, however, actually contributed to this debate with very good reasoning.  They kicked off this Jackie Robinson Weekend with an 8-4 victory at the Boston Red Sox yesterday/Friday where, ho-hum, Byron Buxton left the Game after sliding into Second Base awkwardly.  Hey, how much WAR can Buck generate on the Injured List?

The season is still young.  Let's see if they can generate any heat in Fenway.  This series against Boston is actually another four-Game series, so they will be the opponent for the Red Sox's annual Patriots Day/Boston Marathon Game Monday afternoon.  They then travel to Kansas City for three before returning to Minneapolis and beginning a three-Game series versus the White Sox Friday.

#-5: United FC (Last Week: -5).  A shabby 58th-Minute Goal equaled a 1-0 loss for the Loons at second-Year Austin FC Sunday.  First time they've been shut out, but they scored exactly one Goal in each of their previous five Matches to start the Year.  And now they're on their first losing streak as they return to Midway tonight/Saturday night and host the Colorado Rapids, who also have two Wins, two Draws, two Losses, and allowed as many Goals and they have scored.  It's like they're looking at their twins!!

Oh, and there is also U. S. Open Cup action.  The XI go to Madison to take on Forward Madison Wednesday.

#-Infinity: Gopher gymnastics (Re-Entry!).  You know what?  I think I am going to get into women's college gymnastics a little more.  And no, it's not because of what you think.

Minnesota has had outsized enthusiasm for niche/Olympic sports compared to the population, and gymnastics is no different.  But after reading this article in the Star Tribune (at work, so you may or may not be able to see it) previewing the Gophers going into the NCAA women's gymnastics Semifinal on Thursday, I was not aware of how many native Minnesotans are both competing and coaching.  Yeah, everyone knows of St. Paul's Suni Lee, who competes for Auburn.  But I didn't know that her fellow Olympian, Utah's Grace McCallum, is also One Of Us.  Three Head Coaches of the eight Semifinalists (including Lee's at Auburn) are from Minnesota.  Holy shit!

So I am kind of surprised to go through the U. of M.'s roster and see that Minnesotans comprise less than half of the squad.  Sure, the Gophs have Lexy Ramler.  But did all the blue-chip gymnasts (and I am shocked I even said that) think they could do better outside the state?  Is this a similar situation to men's basketball, where Ben Johnson is furtively trying to put up stake posts and barbed wire to keep top recruits in-state?

Well, I hope what is going with this program makes locals think twice.  No, they did not advance to this/Saturday afternoon's Final: Auburn, Florida, Oklahoma and Utah did, and the U. finished third in their Semifinal.  But officially they finished sixth, which is the highest ever for the school.  Moreover, the Big Ten Conference has seen an uptick in power in the sport, muscling out traditional powers from the SEC and Pac-12.  Michigan was also eliminated in the Semis, but they won it all last Year, being the first Big Ten school to do so.  The Gophers reached the Semis for the fifth time in program history, and like I said, there is a bevy of talent competing and coaching.  Someone on Twitter (I tried to find out who and I failed) said there is reason for high school Minnesotans to stay.  That's true.  This program is on the rise, and I for one am starting to take notice.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Timberwolves (Last Week: -1).  Overall, this has been a relatively shitty screening Week for Twin Cities sports.  But this might be the first time in a long time that the top spot goes to the local NBA club ... in which said club, the T-Wolves, legitimately earned this position.  They are doing so by making hay against a soft part of their schedule, but of course past Wolves teams haven't been able to win against such squads.  Even then, last/Friday night's inexplicable 118-110 Loss in Orlando harshes many a mellow.

But that can't quite undermine what this team earlier in the Week: A two-Game home sweep of the reeling, soon-to-be-rebuilding Portland Trail Blazers followed by a 30-Point ass-kicking at Target Center of The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics.  (By the way, I remember talk about OKC "being different" and bucking usual trends by always being a contender when they were initially moved.  Most people felt that as a small-market club, they would have many, many long periods where they would be retooling, many more seasons than at a larger market such as, oh, Seattle.  "No, that's not gonna happen!  We have Durant, and Westbrook, and sure we may have had to trade Harden, but we're getting role players that'll keep us in contention every Year!" bastard Sonics brass said.  Well, only The Bastard San Diego Rockets have a worse record in The Association and it doesn't seem they've bottomed out yet, so I ask: Wouldn't this team have been better off staying with the good people of Seattle?)  They remain stubbornly in seventh, mostly because the team in front of them, the Denver Nuggets, have won eight-of-ten, but again, it wasn't too long ago that being part of the Play-In was considered a pipe dream.

By the way, people are raving about the atmosphere at Target Center.  I think any arena comes alive with fans when the team they're cheering on is good.  There have always been Timberwolves fans.  They haven't cared enough to show up because the squad that squats there haven't given them a reason to show up ... until now.

They mosey on down from Central to South Florida to take on the Miami Heat a day after their six-Game winning streak (their longest streak of that many Games in 18 seasons) was snapped.  They then touch down in San Antonio Monday before flying home and hosting The Team That Was Stolen From Us v.1.0 on Wednesday.

#-2: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: Positive Numbers).  After crushing Minnesota-Duluth 5-1 Saturday, they lost the WCHA Final Faceoff, er, Final to Ohio St. in Overtime the next afternoon, 3-2.  I am not too crushed about it when it comes to the overall picture; that defeat put the Gophs behind the Buckeyes as the top two seeds in the NCAA Tournament, so by seed, they are expected to meet in the final on the Penn St. campus anyway.  However, it's never good to lose at home when you're hosting your conference's tournament.  More worrying, the U. had a two-Goal lead and they blew it.  Maybe Head Coach Brad Frost told his troops to throttle down the effort and save that energy for when it really counts.  That's smart.  Or ... Ohio St.'s a better team.  That's scary.

By the way, I didn't know until I looked at the bracket Sunday night that they expanded the tournament field.  It's been eight for Years.  It should still be eight.  But now it's ... eleven?  Yeah, it's eleven teams, and so the bracket is this unbalanced, monstrous-looking thing that seems half-formed, kind of like seeing a stillborn chick in a cracked-open egg.  I mean, there are five seeded teams, yet only the top three had to wait until Thursday to find out their opponent?  Besides, I don't remember a bunch of new teams now playing top-fight women's college hockey.  I love the sport, but it ain't growing like that.

Anyway, the U. begins the tourney in earnest this/Saturday afternoon against ... the Minnesota-Duluth Bulldogs, also at Ridder, just like they did this time exactly a Week ago.  In fact, it's a Week and an Hour: Those two played last Saturday at 1, and they'll drop the puck for this contest at 2.  Win that -- fingers crossed -- and they play either third-seeded Northeastern or ... unseeded and defending champion Wisconsin in the Semifinal on Friday.

#-3: United FC (Last Week: -2).  I was looking forward to Saturday's home opener against Nashville SC.  I even blogged about how it was going to be a centerpiece of my day.  But ... well, first I was shitting like crazy for a big part of the day; I think it was the Caribou mocha I got.  And then the storm, which was a type of storm people south of us usually get, with its vicious mix of rain, sleet and ice, blew through, and it settled upon Allianz Field right when the Match started at 5.

It was a joyous occasion regardless.  The crowd was back, in full force, for the first time in two Years.  But then there was a defensive breakdown and the Loons conceded a Goal, like, within the first five Minutes.  And then you could see the sheets of precipitation passing in front of the stadium lights.

And then a sight I had never seen happened.  Early in the Second Half, around the 50th Minute, the Referee blew his whistle, jogged toward the Touchline, and frantically waved everybody on the pitch off it.  Then the announcement came: The Match had been halted because of lightning in the area, and for our safety, everybody should get off their seats and head to the concourse.  Lightning?  In early March?  In what looks like a winter snowstorm?  Well, come to think of it, because of climate change, shit yeah that could happen.  And honestly, the weather forecasters said that there could be lightning coming with this storm.  But still, it was jarring.  And it fucked up my plans, because I was having ******a come over to rub me down at a certain time after I got home from the tilt.  Frankly, the weather wasn't going to get better; it was going to get colder, convert to ice, then convert to snow.  The longer I stayed at the Game, the worse the weather was going to get.  So, even though I hate leaving Matches early, shortly after that announcement, I decided it was best for me to leave.  I actually got home early enough to have ******a come over earlier than we scheduled, and my massage was great.  Meanwhile, that Match was delayed 70 Minutes.  I made the right choice.

And I made it even though I missed Hassani Dotson's equalizer in the Second.  It was off a Corner Kick, and apparently, for all their consistent play punching above their weight, Nashville SC has gotten a reputation for being leaky on Set Pieces.  That eventually gave MNUFC a Draw and a Point, as many such Draws and Points in as many Matches.  Are we happy with that?

They're on the road to face the Red Bulls in New Jersey tonight/Saturday night.

#-4: Wild (Last Week: -5).  After their recent form I was actually dreading going to the Mild's Game vs. the New York Rangers back on Tuesday, a Game I bought a ticket for back in January.  They had just come off an emasculating defeat by The Bastard North Stars (again, fuck them for stealing our history) and were in precipitous freefall.

But instead they turned in what appeared to be their best performance in a while.  They skated out to a 2-0 lead after the First Period.  They then choked on that lead, allowing two Rangers Goals in a bad way.  The second one was on a Wild Power Play; a Turnover had Mats Zuccarello trying and then falling over ass backwards to defend against an onrushing Mika Zibanejad, who deked past Cam Talbot for the Game-tying Goal.  It looked as though the fragile Mild was going to piss this one away.  But then, in the same PP, Kevin Fiala (I think) sniped in a Goal to take back the lead, and then Minnesota deposited two more later in the Second Period, and they were able to skate away with a 5-2 victory.  That was a show of resilience this club, frankly, hasn't demonstrated in Weeks now.

That was followed up by a Shootout Win in Detroit Thursday -- one, however, in which the Wild had to come back from a deficit.  Signs of vulnerability there.  And then came last/Friday night's Shootout Loss in Columbus.  It is not one step forward, one step back for this crew, which is slightly better than the fall down a lengthening set of stairs these guys were on a screening Week ago.  Moreover, they're only a Point behind St. Louis for second in the Central Division.  Go figure.

Light schedule but a portend for the near future staring this Week.  They host Nasvhille tomorrow/Sunday and Boston Wednesday.  Those are the first two Games of a nine-Game homestand; they're making up for ceding the Xcel Energy Center for the Boys' (and really also the Girls') State High School Hockey Tournaments.  If home cooking's any salve for this squad, it better happen starting now.

#-5: Gopher softball (Last Week: -3).  I should be putting this team up ahead of Mild; by principle, whenever the Mild lose to The Team That Was Stolen From Us, I knock them down a peg more than I usually would.  But I'm looking at this ballclub's schedule from the past Week, and it's both weird and, ultimately, demoralizing.

They played seven Games.  (They were supposed to play an eighth, last/Friday night versus Texas, hosting the Bevo Classic the U.'s participating in right now, but it got postponed.)  Three Wins sandwich a four-Game losing streak.  One of those Losses, the first Game of a Doubleheader Wednesday at eighth-ranked Oklahoma St., was a ten-Inning affair.  The second Game was a laugher, 7-0 in favor of the Cowgirls.  The Goofers were mercy-ruled in the other two defeats: A 9-1 beatdown at #1-ranked Oklahoma Monday in five, and more disconcerting, an 11-3 crushing in six, at Stillwater, Okla., to Stanford, a team that got votes but is not in the Top 25.  Their Wins, by the way, were over DePaul, Tulsa, and Nicholls St. (whom they walloped 17-9 in six.)  Some extreme Games there, but ultimately it adds further evidence that this team cannot hang with the big girls this Year.  And I don't know if it's going to get any better.

They have three or four more Games in Austin, Tex.  (I see that a rematch against the Nicholls St. Colonial scheduled for tomorrow/Sunday morning has been cancelled for some reason ... ?)  And that's it for non-con play.  They'll begin B1G play at Rutgers for a three-Game series beginning Friday.

#-6: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -4).  I keep saying there are worse ways to spend your waking days than at a baseball Game.  Why not three, and who cares if it's indoors, in winter, the day after a vicious storm that dropped rain, sleet, ice and (overnight) eventually almost four inches of snow, in a football stadium?

That's where I was: At U. S. Bank Stadium seeing the final three Games of the Cambria College Classic.  I am proud to say I saw all three.  The first was OK: West Virginia had a chance to rally in the seventh but lined into a rally-killing Double Play, the Michigan St. Spartans broke it open late to win, 9-3.  The second Game was the best of the three.  There were six lead changes between Kansas and Illinois.  The Jayhawks hit a Grand Slam, then tied the Game at seven as they beat (I say "they" only because I don't know the players' individual names) out a Double Play turn-two that plated the tying Run, then in the Ninth some dude who had to come off the bench because the starter got pulled early hit a three-Run Home Run to left-center to beat the Illini, 10-7.

The nightcap was Minnesota versus Notre Dame.  I doubt this Goofers Nine is scant better than last Year's debacle, and Notre Dame was ranked twelfth in the polls, but they had their chances in a 3-1 defeat.  It's just that the Starting Pitcher for the Fighting Irish, Austin Temple, was dealing, striking out nine Minnesota batsmen before leaving after the Seventh Inning.  Have no idea if Temple is considered a pro prospect, but he sure looked like one Sunday night.

The host Gophs went 1-2 in the CCC, beating the Jayhawks the night before, 8-1, but losing in Friday's opener to the Mountaineers (ranked 25th at the time), 5-4.  But they added two more Losses at Das Bank, however, losing to North Dakota St. (!!!) 5-2 Tuesday, then beginning their three-Game set with Air Force last/Friday night with an 8-7 setback.  They're 4-9 right now.

After finishing up with the Falcons, they go to Omaha, Neb., to play three against Creighton starting on Friday.

#-7: Whitecaps (Re-Entry!).  Shit, man, what the fuck happened to the Whitecraps?  Champions their inaugural season in the NWHL/PHF, losing in the Isobel Cup Final the second Year, and now next to last after getting swept at home by the Connecticut Whale over the weekend?  I know there isn't much coverage of this squad, but someone's got to know what is going on with this team.

The only saving grace I can say is that, in answering my question from an early WMNSS, all six teams in the Premier Hockey Federation reach the playoffs; it's that the top two teams get a bye.  That certainly won't happen with Minnesota, who finish up their regular season this weekend at the Metropolitan Riveters for a two-Game series.

#-Infinity: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -6).  Finished their Year losing at Northwestern by 13.  That sewed up last place in the Big Ten.  The last time the University of Minnesota finished dead last in the league was Clem Haskins's first Year.  They then stumbled into the First Round of the B1G Tourney and promptly stumbled out of it, and ending their season, with a 60-51 Loss to Penn St.  As they did sometimes during the regular season, the Golden Goofers were leading at Halftime.  As often was the case this regular season, the Golden Goofers were outrebounded -- in this Match, 30-22.

Yeah, mulligan, mulligan, mulligan.  But again, my perception over this team is warped by the rah-rahing in some parts of Twitter.  They fawn over seeing how Ben Johnson is instituting a "culture of winning" around this club, and they could see the growth of players and this squad over the course of the season.  Let's pump the brakes here.  Yes, maybe it was time to move on from Richard Pitino.  But in ten Years here, he never faced a scandal involving his players (there was that thing where he used company travel for personal gain, or something).  And even though it's Johnson's first Year, in Pitino's first Year, he got the U. to the NIT championship ... which is nothing, but he also did win one NCAA Tournament Game.  There are some things Pitino accomplished, so it is not factual that there was culture of losing here.  They might not have won enough, and Pitino's main flaw was failing to keep much of the state's bumper crop of blue-chip players in Minnesota, but there are critics shoveling dirt on the previous regime based on exaggerations, if not outright lies.

You don't have to tear down Pitino to build up Johnson.  Besides, Johnson has now used up his mulligan.  He now has to prove himself.