#-1: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -2). Swept St. Thomas by a combined 12-0 over the weekend. The 8-0 rout Friday was played in the afternoon at the Xcel Energy Center as part of a women's & men's college hockey Doubleheader between the two schools; see the men below.
Other than that, blah-blah-blah, tournament. Busy Week ahead: They host St. Cloud St. on a rare Tuesday tilt, then visit Ohio St. Friday and Saturday for a two-Game series.
#-2: Gopher men's hockey (NEW SEASON!). In one way, last Year's title-Game losers didn't ease their way into the new season: The club's first regular season Game was back on Friday night as the back end of the U./St. Thomas college hockey DH at the X. But since they were playing The Tommies, they were easing their way into the start of the season.
Or so they thought. The Gophers made it 2-0 after one Period, but St. Thomas then scored four straight. Minnesota then scored three in a row, only for The Tommies to tie it with about seven Minutes left to go in regulation. Then, in the cheap scheme known as 3x3 Overtime, Jimmy Snuggerud scored the Game-ender by jetting past a Tommies Defender and getting one past St. Thomas Goalie Aaron Trotter. I thought about going to the Game but decided against it because I have triskaidekaphobia. The Gophs then completed the home-and-home sweep last/Saturday night by beating The Tommies by a more-comfortable 3-0 score.
They should retain their ranking, whether it be 2 or 1, for next Week, a Week in which they'll revive their cooled-off rivalry with North Dakota this weekend in Grand Forks, N. D.
#-3: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -4). Hmmm ... just as I was ready to write these women off, they rip off a pair of Wins at home (3-1 over Illinois on Sunday, 2-0 over Ohio St. Thursday) to put them in the conversation for the conference tournament. With three Matches and two screening Weeks left, the Golden Gophers (along with Iowa) are only two Points behind The Buckeyes, Michigan and Rutgers for sixth. Now, they face a red-hot Nebraska outfit this/Sunday afternoon to finish up their three-Game homestand (as well as wrap up the home portion of their schedule), but as the Cornhuskers have won their last three, the U. is unbeaten in its last three. A visit to Northwestern comes Thursday.
#-4: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -7). This team rebounded from their humiliating sweep at the Atlantic schools by sweeping Michigan in Ann Arbor -- guess they're not as good right now as they historically are -- on Wednesday. But those back-to-back Losses to Maryland and Rutgers feels fatal to their tournament hopes. They begin a three-Game homestand with contests versus Northwestern Sunday and Rutgers Friday.
#-5: Wild (NEW SEASON!). It's, er, wild to see all the U. teams ranked before the pro teams for this Week's survey. But to be a Minnesota sports fan is to know pain, and to be pain, and then to become pain. Anyway, the Mild started their season Thursday by beating Stanley Cup Finals Losers Florida, 2-0, on home ice. They then went to Toronto last/Saturday night and ruined their perfect record as they got clubbed by the Maple Leafs, 7-4. Auston Matthews notched a Hat Trick; he becomes only the fifth player in National Hockey League history to open a season with consecutive Hat Tricks, and only the second to do so in the past 105 seasons. For the record, Alex Ovechkin did it in 2017, and then you have to go back an exact Century, to 1917, to see that feat accomplished -- and, by chance, it was done by three players.
Oh, but back to the Wild: Is anybody really thinking these guys are going to do anything special? This is the second of four Years where the buyouts of Zach Parise and Ryan Suter are damaging the organization's salary cap, and this is the first of two seasons where those buyouts bite the hardest, with a $14.7 million salary cap hit. (It was only $12.7 million last season.) They're banking on Rookies to grow up fast and become superstars and scorers (Matt Boldy, Marco Rossi, Brock Faber) because they have no other way to improve the team. And yet, writers and analytics people think the Mild will reach the playoffs ... and summarily excuse themselves out of the Stanley Cup Playoffs as soon as they walk in. I think I've said that same shit for the past Decade about this squad now. Why in the fuck should we think this season will be any different?
You wanna jazz up this organization? Take back The North Stars name, logo, colors and history. Do that -- and make sure Dallas doesn't get to use any North Stars intellectual property -- and I'll be yours forever.
This Week: In Montreal Tuesday, then home to Los Angeles Thursday and Columbus Saturday.
#-6: Vikings (Last Week: -3). It was a lot closer than I initially thought it would be. But honestly, it was Patrick Mahomes making plays out of nowhere that helped his Bastard Dallas Texans walk out of Ooooooosbahhhhhhhhhhhnk Stadium with a 27-10 victory. That pushed the Vikes down to 1-4. Worse yet, the turf monster apparently was hungry in Minneapolis as both Justin Jefferson and Travis Kelce slipped on the ... whatever that is and were slow to get up. Jefferson got victimized by it badly; he's out 4-6 Weeks with a bad hamstring.
So the season's over, even though no one is saying it is. Talk continues to foment that the squad should just trade Kirk Cousins. It makes sense, but no one seriously believes that'll happen, mostly because Cousins has a no-trade clause. So we are just playing out the string; this/Sunday afternoon they face The Bears in Chicago, who are also 1-4 but might be very close to hitting rock bottom.
#-Infinity: Twins (Last Week: -1). As a Minnesota sports fan, I'm used to seeing so many good Twin Cities clubs play their way into a postseason only to be eliminated nowhere near the championship series/Game that, when the Twinks were finally bumped off by The Houston Asterisks, all I could do was shrug. I mean, at least they broke their 18-Game postseason losing streak, then won their Wild Card Series vs. Toronto. That's ... something. And as a beaten and abused Minnesota sports fan, we'll take it.
Now, seeing that of the four Division Series, the underdog won three of them, and the fourth were the Twinks, that hurts and I think the franchise is responsible for knuckling under the superior Trashtros when Philadelphia, Arizona and The Bastard Washington Senators v.2.0 were able to overcome home-field advantage. And yeah, I know Minnesota won Game 2 in Houston. But they lost Games 3 and 4 in Minneapolis, and that was fucking humiliating. (I couldn't even stand to watch it, and I was working both Games! I paced outside by the production trucks while the Games were on, and it turns out that was the right decision.) So, this wasn't the worst playoff Loss in Minnesota sports history, it may not even reach the middle of the list, but it has its low points.
What to do in the offseason? Say goodbye to Byron Buxton, figure out their Starting Rotation (I think Kenta Maeda is the first starter out the door, but I want to keep him around), and hope to Buddha Royce Lewis comes back to Ft. Myers at 100%. They get all those things right and ... they'll be back in the playoffs and I'll pray they don't go out like bitches.
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