#-1: Twins (Last Week: -1). I don't know if I should start with the good news of the bad news. I'll start chronologically, with the good news.
So that motherfucking streak is over! First, on Tuesday, they beat Toronto at Target Field for their first playoff Win (after an all-time, all-major sport streak of 18 straight postseason Losses) since 2004. The next Day, the beat the Blue Jays again for their first playoff series Win since 2002. Both tilts were tight affairs; the Twins won by scores of 3-1 and 2-0. But the Defense was fantastic -- Carlos Correa is a cheater, but he made incredible defensive Outs in both Games -- and, by the way, Buddha bless Royce Lewis. Also, God bless Blue Jays Manager John Schneider for doing what too many Managers do in the postseason (IMHO) and yank his Starting Pitcher, in this case former Twins Pitcher Jose Berrios, in the fourth Inning when Game 2 was still scoreless.
I hope Twins fans aren't exhaling. I mean, I understand and they should, but in baseball, a team that is much better on paper can lose a series to an inferior team. Now, that didn't happen yesterday/Saturday afternoon vs. the Asterisks in Houston as they dropped Game 1 of their Division Series, 6-4. But Minnesota was down 5-0 against Trashstros Ace Justin Verlander and they fought back, which matters because it shows this young team, now that that goddamn cosmic yoke of The Losing Streak has been broken, ain't scared. Unfortunately, Minnesota was the only road team of the four Div Series that lost, which means that the Twins top the survey but sit in negative numbers, so this could be a 3-0 sweep on our team.
Game 2 is tonight/Sunday night. Games 3 and, if necessary 4 are Tuesday and Wednesday. I am taking off both Days to help out the television production and hoping in my quiet little heart that I see them win the series at home.
#-2: Gopher women's hockey (NEW SEASON!!!). Well, I think that we can expect this club to make it to the NCAA Tournament and then get upset by, like, fucking Colgate or something. But that is later. This is now, and the start of the season, when every good possibility lays in front of you. And these Gophers take advantage with a sweep of The Rochester Institute Of Technology this weekend by a combined score of 8-1.
Like with most other seasons, there really is no reason to dwell on this squad until they beat the likes of Wisconsin and Ohio St. St. Thomas is not one of those teams, and so we'll just state here that the U. has a quasi-home-and home with the Tommies, where the latter hosts Saturday but both outfits play at the X the afternoon before.
#-3: Vikings (Last Week: -6). Well, finally. The Vikes get off the schneid and broke their duck, defeating the Panthers in Charlotte, 21-13, last Sunday. Carolina's probably a terrible club, but the Vikes, despite the final margin of victory, looked really good at many points as the contest went on. The Defensive Line, in particular, was able to get to and maul Rookie Quarterback Bryce Young.
But let's not get all goo-goo-eyed here. They're 1-3. Season's over. Especially knowing that The Bastard Dallas Texans and Taylor Swift are comin' (naw, she ain't comin' -- if she did, I think we would have known by now). It may be closer than we think -- that Chiefs offense just isn't clicking, as if they're not of one Borg mind -- but the Vikes remain too deficient in too many areas to win this. At least I don't think.
#-4: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -3). Kind of surprised that this XI has a Week between Matches. And on Sundays, no less. I would assume that the Big Ten Network would like some live sports content during the Week, so they'd sneak in a Tuesday or Wednesday tilt. Anyway, last Sunday, they went to Bloomington and fought ranked Indiana to a scoreless Tie. They host Illinois this/Sunday afternoon; it ends about a half-hour before the Vikings Game starts.
#-5: United FC (Last Week: -4). Well, the people who wanted #HeathOut finally got their wish. And when the Looooooons scored first Wednesday at LAFC only to be bludgeoned, 5-1, I have to admit that I became one of them. That chokejob was the XI's 15th blown lead in 13 Matches this Year in all Competitions, and they have blown leads in the past five Games if you includes last/Saturday night's contest at home vs. The Los Angeles Galaxy. (To be clear, the statistic now stands at 16 blown leads over 14 Matches in all competitions in 2023.) And so, after seven Years, the first Head Coach for Minnesota United in top-flight American soccer was relieved of his duties.
Look, I have nothing personal against the guy. But it was obvious that his time had come. He simply wasn't winning enough, and blowing lead after lead after lead this season had to piss off somebody in management. He has a reputation for being the Striker Whisperer, but he tried to replace Christian Ramirez with scorer after scorer -- Mason Toye, Thomas Chacon, leading up to Teem Pukki right now -- and it didn't seem to work as well as we think it should. And he doesn't use all of the substitutions he's allotted, meaning a lot of players are gassed near the end of a Match, making them more susceptible to allowing Game-tying, or -winning, Goals from the other side.
People who are acolytes of advanced statistics continue to insist MNUFC is a good team; it just needed a break every now and then. I fall back to Bill Parcells, who says that "You are what your record says you are." And they are still on the outside looking in. Sure, they responded to a 1-all tie (under interim Head Coach Sean McCauley) with four Goals by Pukki as they routed the Galaxy, 5-2. But they are behind Kansas City on Goal Difference, and the club currently in ninth place, Dallas, has one more Game to play, which is a home Match versus Western Conference bottom-feeder Colorado. It's over. The Loooooooons streak of reaching the postseason will be broken this Year. Those back-to-back chokejobs to the Galaxy and St. Louis back on September 20 and 23 sealed this squad's fate, and Heath's.
Well, they do play Sporting on the 21st in the regular season finale. And it is in Kansas City, so they may win this one.
#-6: Gopher football (Last Week: -2). This is what I was afraid was going to happen. This is supposedly one of The Big Three Rivalry Trophies the U. plays for, even though expansion has led to The Little Brown Jug to be fought for only sporadically. I think that's a good thing, because last/Saturday night they got destroyed by the Wolverines at home, 52-10. The thing is, for the first several seasons Head Coach Jim Harbaugh looked lost and like he wasn't the answer for his alma mater, but he somehow has put it together the last two or three Years and now seems as unstoppable as Kirby Smart in Georgia. P. J. Fleck? Not so much.
The next contest is another rivalry Match: At Iowa for Floyd Of Rosedale, on the 21st.
#-7: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -5). I now have to repeat "This is his first year ... this is his first year" as I slowly inhale and exhale, but this weekend has become a new low for the program because they lost at the Atlantic schools for the first time since the B1G shoehorned in those schools. They lost at Rutgers last/Saturday night for the first time since 1983 -- and in four Sets, no less. And Friday night they lost at Maryland for the first time since ... ever. And now they are in serious danger of missing the NCAA Tournament altogether.
I have done a quick scour of the chatboards. Apparently Taylor Landfair ain't moving her ass and the Backline Defense is shit. I have no expectations for this club, especially after the city hosted the tourney and the Gophers didn't even get close to making the Final Four. But I did assume they would make the postseason even under a new Head Coach. I don't know what the fuck is going on right now, but this squad is in a tailspin.
At Michigan Wednesday.
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