The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Twins (Last Week: 0).  They went 5-1 this past Week, even though it doesn't matter, really.  They needed The Bastard Washington Senators v.2.0 to go on a losing streak, and they've righted their ship enough so that Minnesota wasn't going to get that other bye into the American League Division Series.  So the 3-Seed is theirs; the only remaining question going to the regular season finale this/Sunday afternoon is whether Texas, The Houston Asterisks or Jose Berrios and The Toronto Blue Jays will be the team they face for the American League Wild Card Series, a best-of-3 all at Target Field mid-Week.

I find it very sad that the unquestioned top team in this Week's Survey has both the longest-active and the longest-ever losing streak of consecutive playoff Games with 18.  Man, fuck this sports town.

Oh, their final Game of the regular season is in Denver vs. The Colorado Rockies.  Both a friend and a Minnesota-based person I follow on X/Twitter are in Denver, went to at least one Game, and posted at least one picture from their seat at Coors Field.  Been there for one contest; it was really hot (I had an upper-deck seat) and the view of the Rocky Mountains out in the outfield is great.

#-2: Gopher football (Last Week: -3).  After fucking trailing at Halftime, 17-14, the Gophs roared back to defeat the Louisiana (formerly Louisiana-Lafayette) Ragin' Cajuns for Homecoming yesterday/Saturday afternoon, 35-24.  But the damage to the atmosphere may have already been done after the previous collapse at Northwestern.  I didn't watch the Game all that much because my alma mater was playing at the same time, but I wonder how many empty seats there were, and how many were empty as a result of that unacceptable Loss to the Wildcats.  Meanwhile, Head Coach P. J. Fleck brought up the NIL arms race in one of his press conferences leading up the Game.  Lamenting how the U. needs to step up its game makes me believe he actually is greasing the skids on an exit.  There is such a thing as a seven-year itch.

Michigan comes to town Saturday night.  The Little Brown Jug will be contested for only the third time in the past seven seasons (it was contested annually between 1928 and 1998; college football has broken away from tradition for a while now).  Wait, wait, wait ... who am I fucking kidding?  Michigan is ranked second in the polls; that trophy isn't going to be contested.

#-3: Gopher soccer (Last Week: -2).  Scoreless Tie at Iowa Sunday, then were handled at Robbie by Wisconsin Thursday, 3-1.  The Badgers are a good outfit, so the talent and result difference between the border schools is stark.  This is Erin Chastain's third Year as Head Coach, and she hasn't taken her alma mater to NCAA Tournament yet, and she has yet to win a conference Match.  Maybe more scrutiny is in order?

Only one Match this screening Week, but it's a big one, and it happens this/Sunday afternoon: At Indiana, ranked 16th in one poll.

#-4: United FC (Last Week: -Infinity).  Blew another goddamn lead last/Saturday night, although this time they managed to tie San Jose at Allianz at 1.  This is the third straight motherfucking Match where they held a lead and then lost it.  After hearing they blew the lead and lost to both the Galaxy and St. Louis the previous screening Week, I wanted to compile how many leads they've given away this Year, and just tonight I was able to find the time to compile it: For 2023, throughout all competitions, the Looooooooons have blown 14 leads over twelve Matches.  (I have heard the statistic "'x" Points dropped from a winning position," and that's such a haughty, soccer-centric kind of stat that I wonder why in the hell can't we just say blown leads instead.  It's an American stat!)  Adrian Heath pulled Emanuel Reynoso late in the Second Half when MNUFC was leading but when I thought they still needed a Goal.  Heard Bebelo is playing hurt, but he was still pulling the Earthquakes into his orbit, and they equalized shortly thereafter.  I don't fucking get it.

The only reason I've lifted these underachievers above -Infinity -- well, besides calming down -- is that I looked at the standings after last/Saturday night's Draw.  If United FC were able to keep leads and win two of their last three Matches, not only would they be well into playoff position, right now they would be in fifth place in the Western Conference.  Sadly, because of their recent and season-long fuck-ups, they're in 11th.  They're only three Points behind ninth, but they have to hope teams ahead of them stumble, and they have only three Matches left in order for all that to happen.  Moreover, the XI visits LAFC Wednesday and host the Galaxy (which came back from 3-1 down in Carson, Calif. to defeat the Looooooooooooons 4-3 on September 20) Saturday night.  Their streak of reaching the postseason is in very serious jeopardy.

#-5: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -1).  Yes, I keep saying First-Year Mulligan, but while this team swept Michigan at Maturi Friday, they got swept Sunday at Nebraska and lost at home to Penn St. last/Saturday night in four Sets, and both the Cornhuskers and Nittany Lions are ranked.  A second weekend finish appears to be the goal, and I think that's very underwhelming.

Visit the Atlantic schools over the weekend.

#-6: Vikings (Re-Entry!).  The season's over.  I was ready to declare the ViQueens' season over after getting upset at home to fucking Tampa Bay, but after fucking up at home and losing to The Los Angeles Chargers, they're 0-3, and very few squads rebound from such a hole to make the playoffs.

Karma, in a sense, is coming back to bite these guys in the asses.  After being undefeated in one-score Games, they're now winless in the three contests they've played so far.  That's a vicious regression to the mean.  More disturbing, however (even moreso than the continuing deficiencies on Defense), is the continuing lack of focus when it comes to fundamentals and when it counts.  Alexander Mattison had a ball ripped from his hands.  The Chargers earned First Downs through Vikes Penalties.  And the most egregious example of not being able to perform in clutch moments was the last drive, where, after getting a First Down and driving for the go-ahead Touchdown, Kirk Cousins decided he needed to wait to hear Head Coach Kevin O'Connell radio in a play.  He couldn't hear, however, because the U. S. Bank Stadium crowd was too loud after that First Down.  Cousins may or may not have heard the play, Cousins threw to T. J. Hockenson, and Hockenson allowed it to bobble across his hands into the arms of an awaiting Chargers defender.  O'Connell had a Time Out, but he said he would rather have the Offense run a play to keep the Chargers off-balance.  Well, the ones off-balance on that Interception were his team.

And now they're going down to Carolina, with an amped-up Adam Thielen poised to show his old (and childhood) club that he still has something left in the tank and Bryce Young ready to have his first big performance against a Minnesota team because all Rookies and unknowns have big performances against Minnesota teams.  They are likely going to be 0-4 with a home tilt versus Kansas City (and possibly Taylor Swift?) looming.  This season and franchise is circling the drain.