#-1: Gopher softball (Last Week: -1). In a dark Week for Minnesota sports, you take your victories where you can get them. And you look to the bright spot that is the Golden Gopher softball squad, who ran the table with a perfect 5-0 Week. They finished off a sweep of at Cowles Stadium last Sunday, 2-1 in nine Innings, then dominated Wisconsin in Madison in a Doubleheader Shutout sweep Tuesday, 9-0 (in five Innings) and 7-0. And they're going to win their series over Ohio St. in Columbus after winning 7-1 and 10-6. Now that I understand how the projected bracket is laid out, it looks as though the U. is safely in the field for the NCAA Tournament, even though it looks very unlikely they'll get to host a Regional. No matter; they're on a seven-Game winning streak with one more at the Buckeyes finishing the regular season at home against Michigan.
#-2: Twins (Last Week: -3). The Woofie Dogs and the Mild fucked up so spectacularly this screening Week that we forgot that the Twinks went 5-2 this Week. They took two-of-three at home versus The New York Yankees and thus won the season series vs. the Yanks for the first time since 2001. Think about it: The last time the Twinks won more Games than lost versus the Yanks was before 9/11.
They currently hold a 2 1/2-Game lead over Cleveland in the AL Central, but don't worry, they're a Minnesota team, so they'll fuck this up soon enough. One more at home vs. Kansas City, then they travel to the horrifically underachieving White Sox and said Guardians, both for three.
#-3: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -4). The baseball Nine are doing a Goofus-and-Gallant routine with the softball team. Finished the Week 2-3. Started off said Week by getting swept by Illinois on the road, even though they lost last Sunday, 6-5. They then got blitzed at Siebert Tuesday by North Dakota St., 10-3, before bouncing back and beating St. Thomas the next evening by a score of 9-4. They came back in a big way against Nebraska in Lincoln, scoring five Runs in the Ninth Inning to defeat the Cornhuskers 9-7 on Friday. But the 'Huskers paid them back yesterday/Saturday afternoon. They beat Minnesota -- or, according to the U. of M. athletic website, the Golden Gophers got "gashed" by Nebraska -- 18-0. Do I regret saying this program has turned the corner? Yeah, I'm starting to think saying that was unwise.
After one more in Lincoln, they host Michigan for a trio beginning on Friday. Say, the softball Nine hosts Michigan the same weekend. The Wolverines are flying out both teams on the same plane, right?
#-Infinity (tie): Wild and Timberwolves (Last Week: -2 and -6, respectively). They're the reason I feel like I'm done with sports, these two fucking teams. They go out like bitches in the same goddamn Week, at the same goddamn Round, and both in the same Round all Minnesota teams fucking do, the First fucking Round. It's all the fucking same.
First of all, what did I tell you? Nuggets in 5, Bastard North Stars in 6. Should've opened up an online gambling account, put a quarter of my checking account on the Nugz, a quarter on The Team That Was Stolen From Us, and the rest in a parlay with those two. I would have made a goddamn fortune, and at least some fucking good would have come from these twin emasculations.
It's the Mild that hurts more than the Woofie Dogs. They lost to The Bastard North Stars. Also, I reviewed what I said about them this time last Week, where I felt good since they were up 2-1. Forgot that they were up 2-1 to St. Louis in the First Round of last season's Stanley Cup Playoffs, and then they proceeded to capitulate in three straight tilts. Well ain't it a bitch, but they pissed down their fucking legs once again, and to The Team That Was Stolen From Us, too. And like I feared but expected, they came back to the place they rightfully belong and fuckin' humiliate us on our home ice. And we let them, like a bunch of motherfucking cucks.
Friday afternoon, just before Game 6, I heard Michael Russo, Mild beat writer for The Athletic, report that the morning skate was shit -- no energy, no passion, no work. It was then I was convinced that Game 6 and the series was lost, and this mailing it in summarized the complete giving up of what ultimately appears to be a gutless club of chumps and quitters. And it pains me since I actually, stupidly praised this merry band of mediocrities in last Week's WMNSS.
I don't care that Kirill Kaprizov was skating one leg, or that Mats Zuccarello was hurt the second half of the season, or that Joel Eriksson Ek wasn't around to win Faceoffs, or that Marcus Foligno got fucked over with bogus penalty calls. With the possible exception of Brock Faber, not one of these fuckers stood up to The Team That Was Stolen From Us and fought back when it fuckin' mattered. Ryan Suter is still a pussy-ass bitch, but he's on a winner. And Dallas hockey fans are thieves and appropriators, but we're the losers. Because our goddamn team apparently is filled with losers.
And they're in the same boat as the Woofie Dogs, who went out like the bitches they are against a Denver squad that outclassed them at every turn and gave them a pity Win so that the Nuggets organization could make money from tickets, concessions, merchandise and parking from a Game 5 home Win. Both teams are capped out (although under slightly different circumstances; the Woofs are just capped out while the Mild will now go through the Dark Ages of being saddled with, like, $15 million in dead cap space for the next two Years). Both teams anodyne but are too paralyzed to surround their star players (Kaprizov and Anthony Edwards) any meaningful help. They might have to give up good players just so they can get under their respective caps, and then there's no apparent plan as to who they can bring in to actually help the team. The only way forward, it looks like, is down. And since their highs are a series of First Round exits, these moribund franchises haven't really done a fuckin' thing when they were supposedly good.
What a goddamn disaster this is -- these postseasons, these teams, and Twin Cities sports in general. Why in the fuck do I give a shit about sports? Why?
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