I was going to take the trash out before I went. I open the front and then the screen door, and then I see Domino's on my stoop. Two boxes: The bigger being a pizza, the smaller, rectangular one being those "Loaded Tots" I think the company recently introduced. They were cold, which means the delivery driver delivered them to me, obviously by mistake, after I got home a bit past 4 but before I was out the door at 7. But I didn't hear the doorbell ring or a knock on the door, so even though there may have been a no-contact policy the driver followed, there's a non-zero chance some stranger just laid that food at my front door.
Still, the overwhelming probability is that this was just a driver dropping food off at the wrong address. In which case -- hell yeah, free food! But then I thought I shouldn't jump to that conclusion so fast. I thought that if this was a mistaken address, the house that made the order probably is a neighbor. If that's the case, maybe I shouldn't be so hasty in taking the food. It isn't mine; I didn't order it. So after a quick thought or two, I decided that I was going to leave the pizza and Loaded Tots out on the stoop. If Domino's came back to pick it up, or if this neighbor to whom those rightfully belong went out on a search, the food would be there for them to retrieve. And if I came back and saw those boxes still there -- well, that would be proof my neighborhood is still relatively safe and neighborly, and it would also mean I can take the food.
I didn't think about any other living creatures getting to the food first until it was way too late and I was sweating through my clothes. At work on Friday I saw a line of ants savaging some crumb of food on the floor -- why in the hell wouldn't they go after the pizza and the tots?? I felt so stupid. So, after changing back and using a discount for gasoline on my app that was going to expire at midnight, I got home and saw the boxes still there. But then I noticed a chunk of the cold, gloopy Loaded Tots on the walkway, and then another. And then I saw the small, rectangular box not exactly in the position I left it at. And it was ajar. I opened it and I saw, like, four or five cold tots with the now solid cheese and maybe it was bacon attached to them. So maybe ants didn't get to it, but a squirrel did, and even though I don't think squirrels have opposable thumbs, the squirrel knocked it over and/or pushed it open to get into it. And judging by the food that was spilled all over my pavement, it probably took a couple bites and recoiled at the coldness of the Loaded Tots, how rich in calories it was, or both, and said it had enough.
And you know what my thought was? Damn, I wish I could have tried those Loaded Tots! But there were four or five of them left in the box. That meant the squirrel ate all the ones it tossed out of the box and left these alone -- right? So I -- and don't judge me -- ate those Loaded Tots left in the box. And they were ... cold. And like all the loaded tots I've eaten from other places before. And then I had this image of the squirrel eating and touching the tots I just ate as well as the tots touching those tots. And then I thought about whether I can get sick from food with the saliva from a squirrel -- or, even more viscerally, from food that got in contact with a squirrel. Can you get rabies from that?
And so ever since I ate those tots I've felt a bit ... queasy. It might be from eating those cold, or it might be because that food was left out for more than two hours before refrigeration. But if I wake up in the morning running a fever or suffering from seizures, it has to be squirrel rabies. And in that case, regard me as a cautionary tale: Don't ever eat food that was ransacked by a squirrel.
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