Sunday, April 16, 2023

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Twins (Last Week: -1).  In an overall not great screening Week for the Twin Cities sports teams, I'm putting the Twins on top in spite of their 4-3 performance ending the 16th.  Couldn't complete the sweep of the Asterisks, but took two-of-three at Target vs. the White Sox and then won the first two Games of a four-Game series at the Yankees before falling on Saturday.  Sure, it's not the postseason, where the cuck hex really hangs over this franchise, and they have won regular season tilts there before, but it's still better to beat the Yankees than not.  And they still lead the Guardians in the American League Central Division with a 10-5 record.  Hey, it could be worse.  And for this Week, that's best in Minnesota.

One more versus the Yanks, then they go to the other lodestar in Major League Baseball, Boston, for three starting on Tuesday.  They then return home for a trio beginning on Friday against The Bastard Montreal Expos.

#-2: Gopher softball (Last Week: -4).  Won the series with an 8-5 Win in the rubber Match with Indiana at Cowles Sunday, then went to East Lansing and ripped Michigan St., 13-1 Friday before splitting a Doubleheader Saturday (they were supposed to finish this trio today/Sunday, but inclement weather today/Sunday led them to push that contest up to yesterday/Saturday afternoon).  A 3-1 Week gets them to 6-6 in the Big Ten and 25-16 overall.  And before this Week, this website projects the Gophers to be in the NCAA Tournament.  Cool.

It seems as though they will permanently play Wisconsin only twice a season in the form of a Doubleheader in the middle of a Week.  This Year that occurs Wednesday in Madison.  They then have a weekend three-Game series at home against Iowa.

#-3: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -5).  Prevented a sweep with a tripling of Purdue, 9-3, last Sunday at Siebert.  Then they beat North Dakota St. Tuesday, 12-9.  The weather then caused a couple changes with the weekend series here versus Iowa.  First they turned Saturday's Game to a Friday DH, which the teams split.  (By the way, the Hawkeyes have what I think is their first genuine First Round Draft Pick in my lifetime in Pitcher Brody Brecht.  He made news recently because he was a two-sport star at Iowa, but after not doing much as a Wide Receiver [I hear the whole Hawkeyes Offense didn't do much last season] and seeing how good he really is as hurler, he has done a reverse Kyler Murray and is going to drop football and focus on baseball.  Brecht was the Starting Pitcher for the Hawkeyes for the first Game of the Doubleheader ... and he took the Loss.  He lasted only 4 1/3 Innings and gave up five Runs.)  The Sunday finale was supposed to remain on Sunday, but because there's FUCKING SNOW coming today, they moved that up to yesterday/Saturday, and the Gophs got drilled, 18-4.

OK, so the squad is 10-24 overall.  But they are 4-5 in-conference, and I feel as though they have been more competitive than they have been since the aborted 2020 season.  I continue to insist that they are rising off of rock bottom.

St. Thomas here Wednesday, then at Illinois for three starting on Friday.

#-4: Timberwolves (Last Week: -2).  This may have been The Wildest Week In Timberwolves History.  First, last Sunday, they closed out the regular season by roaring back from 30-18 deficit after one Quarter to beat The Bastard Charlotte Hornets by five.  Yes, this is the Game where Rudy Gobert took a swing at Kyle Anderson after Anderson called The Stifle Tower a "bitch" several times.  And before (I think) that incident, Jaden McDaniels, for reasons I still don't quite know, went partway down the tunnel to the team locker room, stopped, and punched the wall.  The wall usually wins; J-Mac fractured his hand and is out for the Year.

And through all that self-inflicted tumult, the Woofie Dogs got into the 7/8 Play-In Game Tuesday ... where they had an 11-Point Halftime lead at The Team That Was Stolen From Us v.1.0 and went ice cold in the Fourth Quarter, finally succumbing to Los Angeles in Overtime by six.  To their credit and to my surprise, they dominated The Bastard Seattle SuperSonics Friday in the last chance Game, stuffing Oklahoma City inside time after time and routing them by 25.  Their reward for reaching the real playoffs?  A series with Denver.  Now I hear that the Wolves are a bad fit for the Nuggets in a couple ways, foremost among them having two bigs (Gobert and Karl-Anthony Towns) to Denver's one (albeit a budding Hall Of Fame one in Nikola Jokic).  But Gobert still hasn't fully integrated himself into Minnesota's system.  Plus there's still the absence of McDaniels, the team's best defender.  Denver isn't a glamour, and that's probably why I think they have a non-zero chance of winning this series.  But really, I think the Nuggets will throw the Two Elves a pity Win in Game 4 just so they can close them out in front of their home fans.  Nugz in five.

#-5: Wild (Last Week: -3).  Beat Chicago, but ended their season with back-to-back defeats to a Winnipeg club that eked into the playoffs and also-ran Nashville.  That ended their chances of winning the Central Division, and home-ice advantage for the First Round of the postseason.  And because The Bastard Quebec Nordiques were able to beat Nashville, the Wild's First Round opponent will be ... The Team That Was Stolen From Us v.2.0.  Fucking great.

A part of me wants to go to a Game (by the way, Games 3 and 4 for the Wild and the Timberwolves will be on the same days, Friday and Sunday.  Moreover, Game 3 for both teams start at the same time, 8:30.  I find that to be both so wrong and so preventable.  Is there no consideration for the local fan base when it comes to giving different times for teams from the same city?) wearing my North Stars jersey, but I'm afraid a Wild fan will hit me.  But there's also a chance I'll punch a Bastard North Stars fan, too, so it's probably better I don't go at all.  Besides, this is a matchup I really dread, because I am scared that those Dallas hockey thieves are going to come in here and cuck us as a way to justify them stealing our team and our history.  And since God hates me, I think that'll happen.  And in a direct contrast to The Denver Nuggets, those motherfucking appropriators are going to close out their series in St. Paul as a way to humiliate us and (wrongly) claim our history as theirs.  Them in six, goddammit.

#-6: United FC (Last Week: -6).  The bloom from the great start this XI had is gone now that they're on a two-Game losing streak.  More distressing is that in three home Games, MNUFC had the lead in all three and have blown it.  At least for the first two they held on for a Draw.  But last/Saturday night they choked on the lead (no surprise, they're a Minnesota team) and lost 2-1 to Orlando.  The Game-winner was a fucking atrocity; a lateral pass was made to a wide-open OCSC player who, luckily, hit the crossbar.  But it went straight to Duncan McGuire, who was in the middle of at least four Loons players but wasn't really marked by any of them.  They surrounded him as if he was being sacrificed in a satanic ritual.  Anyway, McGuire headed it home, and now United FC seems to be who everyone thought they would be.  And since I witnessed this bullshit with my own eyes, they get the ass end of the WMNSS.

No league Match this Week, but they begin participation in the U. S. Open Cup Tuesday at Detroit City.  If they lose, I probably will talk about them in next Week's survey, and assuredly, they'll be at the ass end again.

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