My parents went down to Rochester for Father's surgery Sunday afternoon. Smooth sailing for me, I thought -- 2 1/2 days of the house all to myself, I can sleep in my sister's better bed and bedroom, I can throw all my dirty clothes wherever the fuck I want, and I can bring over my ATF, ***e*, for some fun handjobbin'.
But first, exercising at night, when I want! And since Sunday was Daylight Saving Time, when I left around 7, there was still a little daylight when I went to my car.
And so I was able to spot the dead squirrel on the driveway.
I had just opened the door and looked at the left side of the driveway, the side where my parents usually park their minivan. Through all the dirty ice melting in the spring-though-it-feels-more-like-winter sun, I looked down and saw this fuzzy lump. "No," I thought to myself, "that can't be a squirrel." And so I creep up on it, afraid that it'll scurry away or toward me.
But no, it was dead. It looked alive, however. It was fully formed, just a lump, though a big lump, like a rat you'd see in New York City. In fact, it was weird to see that the only part of the squirrel that was flattened, which one would expect to see when encountering roadkill, was the head. The rest of it was ... body-like, you know? Let me put it to you this way: Do you know those pastry bags, the ones that chefs cradle with both hands, one at the nose and the other at the butt end, and he or she squeezes with one hand the pastry through the nozzle? Say that that chef pushed that, uh, dough so that one quarter of it is all smushed. Now, put it in a squirrel shape and it'd look like this dead squirrel.
OK, maybe that's a horrible way to describe it. All's I'm saying is that the body looked normal but the head was completely run over, and that's weird. What's even weirder is that you would expect a run-over head to have blood splattered all over the place, but there wasn't. It's as if when my parents ran the squirrel over its brains didn't burst through its eyes or ears but was just pushed down into its body. It was a clean kill.
Assuming it was a kill. First of all, how did my parents not notice a dead squirrel? And second of all, how does a squirrel not hear my parents' footsteps going towards their car, let alone the sound of the engine? Maybe it just died there well before the minivan ran it over (assuming it did run it over). Or the squirrel was either deaf or stupid and just was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Regardless of the manner, it still gobsmacks me to see roadkill not on the road, but in our driveway. Drivewaykill, so to speak.
---
That basically ruined my day. First thing I did was use the shovel to see if I could get rid of it right then and there, but the squirrel apparently was fused with the ice below it. Maybe the cold body helped to shield that piece of ice from melting from the sun. And I couldn't get beneath the squirrel body to pick up the entire plate of ice it was under.
I didn't want to think about it at the gym, but that's all I could think about while working out. I had to get rid of it, but how? And who the hell ever had to remove a dead squirrel from their driveway? The logistics overwhelmed and thus discouraged me.
All I could do upon getting home is use the ice scraper from the back deck and try to get put it in a trash bag to throw the squirrel away under the cover of darkness at one of the local gas stations' trash cans. But that too proved impossible; the scraper would only manage to slide over the ice, and it was too dark for me to really dig under that because I didn't want the scraper to touch any part of the squirrel. Shit, I was afraid that if I accidentally touched it it would wake up and bite me, and then I would get rabies. After a couple minutes I decided to give up and try again after work the next day. Maybe the sun would melt the ice and make picking it up easier.
---
And what do you know, it worked! The sun Monday managed to melt a lot if ice surrounding the dead squirrel, and getting the ice scraper under the ice underneath the squirrel was a lot easier. I was also lucky that the body was intact; if it were splattered all over the place like I thought roadkill usually looked like, I would have to be shoveling pieces of it into the bag. So I was thus able to think of it like a Neapolitan pizza, and the ice scraper was one of those huge paddles that you use to slip that pizza into a wood-fired oven, except that I didn't expect the squirrel to be so heavy. Well, I didn't really expect it to be light. Actually, I didn't know what to expect when I picked it up.
Looking at it up close it was kind of eerie, and kind of beautiful. I was picking up a dead soul, and even though I wanted this thing to be gone from our property, I still fretted about just throwing it away, which is what Animal Control said to do. (Oh yeah, I should backtrack ... during my lunch break I looked up my city website and it said that I should call 911 if I had a question about roadkill removal. When I did, I got the feeling that the woman from Animal Control thought I was stupid to ask a question with an obvious answer. Babe, I ask again: Who the hell has experience disposing of roadkill?) I was fortunate that the squirrel was in one piece, and that the ice beneath it didn't break it when I picked it up. Going closer to get more control over the squirrel, I noticed the fur, the beautiful, tough fur on it. And this thing was huge. Maybe they normally are that big, but they're usually running finding food or raping female squirrels, and so I didn't notice. I wanted to touch it, but again, I was scared that the squirrel was, well, playing possum, and when I touched it it would raise its squished head, zombie eyes bulging, and bite my head, thus giving me rabies.
---
How to dispose of it? I was going to use the plastic grocery bag from the laundry room, but then I remembered I have used plastic bags I used to carry fallen leaves all the way to the county landfill in the trunk of my car. Better to keep the bag in the laundry room; besides, turns out that the squirrel was so big it wouldn't have fit into the bag.
I didn't want to lay down the trash bag(s) on the wet driveway, so what I thought I would do is to hold the bag in one hand and just toss the squirrel off of the ice scraper with the other hand into the bag. (So much for a dignified disposal.) But the squirrel was bigger, as well as heavier than I thought. Still didn't want to touch it, so I used three used trash bags that were in my trunk. I would lay down one and put the squirrel on, not in, it, lay the bag and dead squirrel on top of another bag, then throw the entire thing in a third bag. I had to lay down that third bag, so the inside of my trunk is wet and dirty as hell, even though it probably was both already. But I managed to ensure, I think, that that dead squirrel body didn't touch either me or the inside of my car.
My intention then was to go to the gas station (in the middle of afternoon rush, where people would be milling about, but dem's the breaks) and take off the lid off one of the receptacles to open up the mouth of the thing so I can gently lay the squirrel in its final resting place. But when I tried doing that it wouldn't slowly slide down into the plastic trash bin. I then saw that the body was "blocked" on one side by the towel holder. My dreams of placing it the squirrel in with dignity wound up with me shoving it in, either head or tail first.
Then I went home, saw there was a piece of brain or detritus or something on the driveway, scraped that up with the scraper and wiped it off by shoving the scraper into the snowpack. And then I was done, having grown from the experience of disposing a dead squirrel from our driveway.
But seriously, though: How the fuck does a squirrel just die on our driveway?
Friday, March 14, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Please Don't Go! I Didn't Think I'd Stay This Long!
Yeah, about losing my job this week ... um, I'm not. Either they like me, they really, really like me, or they have a lot of stuff they still need to get through for flu season, so my new boss has extended me another week and then said, essentially, "We'll see from there."
Unfortunately I had to break the news to him: I do have something almost lined up starting the following Monday, March 24. I didn't have the heart to tell him the real truth -- I do have a new job starting that day. It's test season again, and I had phoned in and agreed to help out with a math project. It won't last more than two weeks, and it is farther away from home and requires me to get on the highway, which means I'll have to deal with traffic. But it pays a few bucks more per hour than my flu billing job, plus I've done the job before and I like it as well as the people there.
I'm starting to chain together steady work. I started with the flu billing job shortly past Labor Day, then I'll go directly from there to this, then with the possibility of a week off, I'll start another test scoring job that will take me close to Memorial Day Weekend. The almost nine months of work might be the longest unbroken streak I've had since I worked the night shift for Xcel Energy for more than 2 1/2 years.
When I told him about this prospect, my boss said something that probably is a lot less sentimental that he meant it, but it has stayed with me nonetheless: "Well, I'll keep you until we have to let you go."
"Have to let me go?" The reason why I took these testing jobs -- well, besides the reasons I outlined above -- is that I assumed that I would be done with this place long before now. But ... shoot, I've gotten used to working there. I like it there. Hell, I love it there, OK? If they told me I would be working there through, oh, Memorial Day, I would have reconsidered working at the testing bureaus. And if they give me a full-time job, well, I'd totally accept. It's just that, as a temp, I have to look out for the next thing, and with my boss keeping me around a week or two at a time, understandable as that is, that isn't job security. Testing season, as temporary as that is, is just a tad more secure.
See, if I go back and reject the testing project(s), I won't know how long the flu billing place will keep me. If I don't get extended beyond next week then, well, I'm screwed. But damn it, I really will miss the place. I've worked there for over half a year when I only thought I'd be there a quarter at the most. I feel respected and I'm largely left alone. Who would want to leave? A guy who has to look out for number one, apparently. But I am so torn right now.
Then again, I realized this morning that I screwed up putting in codes and spent virtually the entire day fixing that mistake. It set me back in doing what else needs to be done, including listening to the dozen or so voicemails I have left on my phone the past two days. This might push back all the stuff I still have to do there beyond my last day there. And if anyone finds out about this, I might not last beyond tomorrow.
Unfortunately I had to break the news to him: I do have something almost lined up starting the following Monday, March 24. I didn't have the heart to tell him the real truth -- I do have a new job starting that day. It's test season again, and I had phoned in and agreed to help out with a math project. It won't last more than two weeks, and it is farther away from home and requires me to get on the highway, which means I'll have to deal with traffic. But it pays a few bucks more per hour than my flu billing job, plus I've done the job before and I like it as well as the people there.
I'm starting to chain together steady work. I started with the flu billing job shortly past Labor Day, then I'll go directly from there to this, then with the possibility of a week off, I'll start another test scoring job that will take me close to Memorial Day Weekend. The almost nine months of work might be the longest unbroken streak I've had since I worked the night shift for Xcel Energy for more than 2 1/2 years.
When I told him about this prospect, my boss said something that probably is a lot less sentimental that he meant it, but it has stayed with me nonetheless: "Well, I'll keep you until we have to let you go."
"Have to let me go?" The reason why I took these testing jobs -- well, besides the reasons I outlined above -- is that I assumed that I would be done with this place long before now. But ... shoot, I've gotten used to working there. I like it there. Hell, I love it there, OK? If they told me I would be working there through, oh, Memorial Day, I would have reconsidered working at the testing bureaus. And if they give me a full-time job, well, I'd totally accept. It's just that, as a temp, I have to look out for the next thing, and with my boss keeping me around a week or two at a time, understandable as that is, that isn't job security. Testing season, as temporary as that is, is just a tad more secure.
See, if I go back and reject the testing project(s), I won't know how long the flu billing place will keep me. If I don't get extended beyond next week then, well, I'm screwed. But damn it, I really will miss the place. I've worked there for over half a year when I only thought I'd be there a quarter at the most. I feel respected and I'm largely left alone. Who would want to leave? A guy who has to look out for number one, apparently. But I am so torn right now.
Then again, I realized this morning that I screwed up putting in codes and spent virtually the entire day fixing that mistake. It set me back in doing what else needs to be done, including listening to the dozen or so voicemails I have left on my phone the past two days. This might push back all the stuff I still have to do there beyond my last day there. And if anyone finds out about this, I might not last beyond tomorrow.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey
#-1: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -6). You may not notice it, but this screening week's survey is a lot more pessimistic than it's been in a long time. That's what happens when the team that finishes in first place has slowly been eased out of the playoff picture.
So they did take care of the business than can control, whipping Penn St. at Williams Arena in their regular season finale. But all those losses before that win meant that their dreams of making the NCAA Tournament is now largely out of their hands. As of right now, most every armchair bracketologist has the Goofs on the outside looking in, one of the misnomerically-named "First Four Out." And unless they can make a run to, I think, the semifinals of the B1G Tournament this weekend in Indianapolis (starting with a return date with the Nittany Lions Thursday), and possibly to the final, say hello again to the NIT, Goofer fans. I for one do not believe this team is capable of such a season-saving run, by the way.
#-2: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -4). I've seen some talk this week about instilling the three-point game in the National Hockey League, partly because it would bring more, for lack of a better word, justice to winning a game (and getting three points instead of two) even though the drama of getting a second point by winning in overtime or a shootout keeps things close. I think that's a great idea, damn the possibility of runaway standings. I have no idea why in the hell there can be a different amount of points given whether or not a hockey contest goes to extra time. Besides, with the advent of giving a point for an overtime loss the standings in the newspaper had to add an extra column called "OTL," and the math I try to compute using the number of wins, ties and overtime losses makes no sense.
In other words, the NHL should do it the way college hockey, or at least the Big Ten hockey conference, does it. They award three points for a win and none for a loss, but once you get into overcome you get either two or one. The standings don't make that clear -- what they should do is set up the columns as "Wins," "Overtime/Shootout Wins," "Overtime/Shootout Losses," and "Losses." (The initials would be hard to settle on because there's only so much space in the table, but it'd be clearer.) But this point distribution strikes a more just balance between rewarding teams that win in 60 minutes while making the conference race compelling. Besides, hell, the conference tournament is coming up next week; the teams will settle the title on the ice. And of course there's the only tourney that matters, the NCAAs, where it's projected that only the top half of Minnesota, Wisconsin and Michigan will make the 16-team field barring something screwy.
I say this because the U. escaped Ohio St. with a win and shootout loss, or in other words, a win and a loss. The dilution of losing in extra time is something I can't quite quantify, therefore I don't like it. But at least that loss is reflected in both college hockey polls; Minnesota remains on top, but the gap between them and #2 Boston College is thin.
Inbetween now and then is the final regular season series of the season, a road test against Michigan. Gophers Goaltender Adam Wilcox is coming off of a career-high 41 saves in Saturday's 3-2 shootout defeat to the Buckeyes. That means that they are five points clear of hard-charging Wisconsin for the Big Ten regular season title. They need to collect two points in the two games against the Wolverines to clinch it.
#-3: Gopher wrestling (Re-Entry!). OK, I don't get this: They have probably their best season since winning NCAA titles more than a year ago, and then they lay a relative egg by finishing a distant third in the B1G Wrestling Championships last weekend (after leading the first day)? Maybe they're resting up for the NCAAs, and I can see that. But what I am supposed to make of the Intermat Rankings, where they have two separate polls, one for tournaments and one for duals, and the latter has the U. first and the former has 'em third (behind Penn St. and Iowa, which just happen to be the two teams the Gophs finished behind in the conference tourney)? Maybe it doesn't matter, or maybe this means that they've lost momentum and aren't going to topple the Nittany Lions for the championship?
Should I make anything out of only one Gopher grappler, Heavyweight Tony Nelson winning his class at the B1G? At least he's going out in style; the Redshirt Senior won that title for the third year in a row. As for the rest of the team, they have one more week before trying to win the team NCAA championship in Oklahoma City, Okla.
#-4: Timberwolves (Last Week: -3). A week-long homestand against four teams from the decidedly weaker Eastern Conference ends in a 2-2 split, no ground gained in the Western Conference playoffs, and frankly, sticks the final nail in the coffin for the Woofie Dogs' faint postseason chances. New York and Toronto may have better records, but they are not good enough to beat the Wolves at home. Except that they did.
Kevin Love continues to amaze, Ricky Rubio continues to struggle shooting from the field, and the team as a whole continues to not play defense. My late-to-the-party revelation is that fans who actually pay to see these guys at Target Center have found their punching bag: J.J. Barea, whom I thought was a sabermatrician's wet dream. Apparently not; since Head Coach Rick Adelman started to trust him and not Rubio in late-game situations, he has had to face more instances where he either doesn't make the shot or the right play. I guess that's reason enough to boo him, but you really can boo everyone on the team.
Since the Minnesota State Boys' High School Basketball Tournaments have taken over Target, the Timberwolves are on the road Friday playing Charlotte. But it's only a one-off; they return home Sunday in match vs. Sacramento.
#-5: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -1). I'm surprised at this development: Just like their male analogues, the Minnesota Golden Gopher women's basketball team is now considered to be, according to the Internet's only women's college basketball bracketologist, Charlie Creme, the dreaded Team 65, aka The Last Team Out.
I'm not exactly sure why. First of all, the inside-outside tandem of Amanda Zahui B. and Rachel Banham would be a good one to showcase on ESPN's coverage of the NCAA Tournament. Second of all, I thought they had done enough to secure a spot in the Big Dance by dispatching Wisconsin in the first round of last weekend's B1G tournament (even though they had to go to overtime to do it). Maybe they needed to beat eventual tourney champ Nebraska instead, or at least not get shellacked by a tune of 80-67. However there is one possibility, and a personally cruel twist one: Fellow bubble team and my alma mater, USC, captured the Pac-12 Conference Championship Monday, and the Women of Troy could have pushed the Gophers out of the field. Sad face :(
Even though they won't play a game between now and next Wednesday (at least one of importance; the Women's NIT does not count), I'll put them on next week's WMNSS if they fail to make it. We'll see when the brackets are unveiled Monday night.
#-6: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -5). The Golden Gopher nine go 1-2 in the Chanticleer Classic, sandwiching a victory over host Coastal Carolina with losses to Elon and UNC-Greensboro, the last of which was a choke with a slight lead. Only in college baseball where small schools that aren't even in the same level in college football could places like Elon and UNC-Greensboro defeat a huge Big Ten school like Minnesota.
They are about to finish their last non-conference series, and the interminably long road trip's end is in sight. This weekend they travel to Sacramento St. for a three-game set, and then they begin a two-game midweek series at Saint Mary's.
#-7: Swarm (Re-Entry!). Ouch -- the Buffalo Bandits broke open a 9-9 game late by scoring the last three goals to send the Smarm to a 2-8 record. Might as well stick a fork in this team; even with all but one team reaching the National Lacrosse League playoffs, you certainly don't deserve to go with a 2-8 record. They host Toronto Sunday.
#-8: Wild (Last Week: -2). Now this is disconcerting. They broke their five-game winning streak by dropping all three games this screening week. To be fair, the last two were by shootout. To not be fair, those last two were also played at home.
Now, the game against The Bastard North Stars was a giveaway, literally: A turnover in the defensive zone led to the deciding tally. St. Louis is St. Louis; I saw them play when I vacationed down there, and they're a damn good team which only got better when they acquired Goalie Ryan Miller. But it's the loss Monday night to Edmonton, one where I saw the first period at Hooters (BTW, thank you, hot-hot-hot Alyssa!!!) and the Mild go up on The Worst Team In The Western Conference If Not The Whole National Hockey League, that makes my and other Mild fans' skin crawl.
Heard Michael Russo, Wild beat writer for the Star Tribune, on The Common Man Progrum this afternoon (with producer Brendan Mileskie filling in as host for the vacaying Dan Cole) broadcast from the Twin Cities Auto Show (a place where I go annually, even though I don't know when I'll be able to go this year). He said a lot of things about the awful choke job to the Oilers:
They're fucked, aren't they?
This week they finish their four-game homestand versus the New York Rangers and Columbus, then begin a three-game road trip with a Boston-New York Islanders back-to-back.
So they did take care of the business than can control, whipping Penn St. at Williams Arena in their regular season finale. But all those losses before that win meant that their dreams of making the NCAA Tournament is now largely out of their hands. As of right now, most every armchair bracketologist has the Goofs on the outside looking in, one of the misnomerically-named "First Four Out." And unless they can make a run to, I think, the semifinals of the B1G Tournament this weekend in Indianapolis (starting with a return date with the Nittany Lions Thursday), and possibly to the final, say hello again to the NIT, Goofer fans. I for one do not believe this team is capable of such a season-saving run, by the way.
#-2: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -4). I've seen some talk this week about instilling the three-point game in the National Hockey League, partly because it would bring more, for lack of a better word, justice to winning a game (and getting three points instead of two) even though the drama of getting a second point by winning in overtime or a shootout keeps things close. I think that's a great idea, damn the possibility of runaway standings. I have no idea why in the hell there can be a different amount of points given whether or not a hockey contest goes to extra time. Besides, with the advent of giving a point for an overtime loss the standings in the newspaper had to add an extra column called "OTL," and the math I try to compute using the number of wins, ties and overtime losses makes no sense.
In other words, the NHL should do it the way college hockey, or at least the Big Ten hockey conference, does it. They award three points for a win and none for a loss, but once you get into overcome you get either two or one. The standings don't make that clear -- what they should do is set up the columns as "Wins," "Overtime/Shootout Wins," "Overtime/Shootout Losses," and "Losses." (The initials would be hard to settle on because there's only so much space in the table, but it'd be clearer.) But this point distribution strikes a more just balance between rewarding teams that win in 60 minutes while making the conference race compelling. Besides, hell, the conference tournament is coming up next week; the teams will settle the title on the ice. And of course there's the only tourney that matters, the NCAAs, where it's projected that only the top half of Minnesota, Wisconsin and Michigan will make the 16-team field barring something screwy.
I say this because the U. escaped Ohio St. with a win and shootout loss, or in other words, a win and a loss. The dilution of losing in extra time is something I can't quite quantify, therefore I don't like it. But at least that loss is reflected in both college hockey polls; Minnesota remains on top, but the gap between them and #2 Boston College is thin.
Inbetween now and then is the final regular season series of the season, a road test against Michigan. Gophers Goaltender Adam Wilcox is coming off of a career-high 41 saves in Saturday's 3-2 shootout defeat to the Buckeyes. That means that they are five points clear of hard-charging Wisconsin for the Big Ten regular season title. They need to collect two points in the two games against the Wolverines to clinch it.
#-3: Gopher wrestling (Re-Entry!). OK, I don't get this: They have probably their best season since winning NCAA titles more than a year ago, and then they lay a relative egg by finishing a distant third in the B1G Wrestling Championships last weekend (after leading the first day)? Maybe they're resting up for the NCAAs, and I can see that. But what I am supposed to make of the Intermat Rankings, where they have two separate polls, one for tournaments and one for duals, and the latter has the U. first and the former has 'em third (behind Penn St. and Iowa, which just happen to be the two teams the Gophs finished behind in the conference tourney)? Maybe it doesn't matter, or maybe this means that they've lost momentum and aren't going to topple the Nittany Lions for the championship?
Should I make anything out of only one Gopher grappler, Heavyweight Tony Nelson winning his class at the B1G? At least he's going out in style; the Redshirt Senior won that title for the third year in a row. As for the rest of the team, they have one more week before trying to win the team NCAA championship in Oklahoma City, Okla.
#-4: Timberwolves (Last Week: -3). A week-long homestand against four teams from the decidedly weaker Eastern Conference ends in a 2-2 split, no ground gained in the Western Conference playoffs, and frankly, sticks the final nail in the coffin for the Woofie Dogs' faint postseason chances. New York and Toronto may have better records, but they are not good enough to beat the Wolves at home. Except that they did.
Kevin Love continues to amaze, Ricky Rubio continues to struggle shooting from the field, and the team as a whole continues to not play defense. My late-to-the-party revelation is that fans who actually pay to see these guys at Target Center have found their punching bag: J.J. Barea, whom I thought was a sabermatrician's wet dream. Apparently not; since Head Coach Rick Adelman started to trust him and not Rubio in late-game situations, he has had to face more instances where he either doesn't make the shot or the right play. I guess that's reason enough to boo him, but you really can boo everyone on the team.
Since the Minnesota State Boys' High School Basketball Tournaments have taken over Target, the Timberwolves are on the road Friday playing Charlotte. But it's only a one-off; they return home Sunday in match vs. Sacramento.
#-5: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -1). I'm surprised at this development: Just like their male analogues, the Minnesota Golden Gopher women's basketball team is now considered to be, according to the Internet's only women's college basketball bracketologist, Charlie Creme, the dreaded Team 65, aka The Last Team Out.
I'm not exactly sure why. First of all, the inside-outside tandem of Amanda Zahui B. and Rachel Banham would be a good one to showcase on ESPN's coverage of the NCAA Tournament. Second of all, I thought they had done enough to secure a spot in the Big Dance by dispatching Wisconsin in the first round of last weekend's B1G tournament (even though they had to go to overtime to do it). Maybe they needed to beat eventual tourney champ Nebraska instead, or at least not get shellacked by a tune of 80-67. However there is one possibility, and a personally cruel twist one: Fellow bubble team and my alma mater, USC, captured the Pac-12 Conference Championship Monday, and the Women of Troy could have pushed the Gophers out of the field. Sad face :(
Even though they won't play a game between now and next Wednesday (at least one of importance; the Women's NIT does not count), I'll put them on next week's WMNSS if they fail to make it. We'll see when the brackets are unveiled Monday night.
#-6: Gopher baseball (Last Week: -5). The Golden Gopher nine go 1-2 in the Chanticleer Classic, sandwiching a victory over host Coastal Carolina with losses to Elon and UNC-Greensboro, the last of which was a choke with a slight lead. Only in college baseball where small schools that aren't even in the same level in college football could places like Elon and UNC-Greensboro defeat a huge Big Ten school like Minnesota.
They are about to finish their last non-conference series, and the interminably long road trip's end is in sight. This weekend they travel to Sacramento St. for a three-game set, and then they begin a two-game midweek series at Saint Mary's.
#-7: Swarm (Re-Entry!). Ouch -- the Buffalo Bandits broke open a 9-9 game late by scoring the last three goals to send the Smarm to a 2-8 record. Might as well stick a fork in this team; even with all but one team reaching the National Lacrosse League playoffs, you certainly don't deserve to go with a 2-8 record. They host Toronto Sunday.
#-8: Wild (Last Week: -2). Now this is disconcerting. They broke their five-game winning streak by dropping all three games this screening week. To be fair, the last two were by shootout. To not be fair, those last two were also played at home.
Now, the game against The Bastard North Stars was a giveaway, literally: A turnover in the defensive zone led to the deciding tally. St. Louis is St. Louis; I saw them play when I vacationed down there, and they're a damn good team which only got better when they acquired Goalie Ryan Miller. But it's the loss Monday night to Edmonton, one where I saw the first period at Hooters (BTW, thank you, hot-hot-hot Alyssa!!!) and the Mild go up on The Worst Team In The Western Conference If Not The Whole National Hockey League, that makes my and other Mild fans' skin crawl.
Heard Michael Russo, Wild beat writer for the Star Tribune, on The Common Man Progrum this afternoon (with producer Brendan Mileskie filling in as host for the vacaying Dan Cole) broadcast from the Twin Cities Auto Show (a place where I go annually, even though I don't know when I'll be able to go this year). He said a lot of things about the awful choke job to the Oilers:
- Mikael Granlund was the best player on the team last night, yet Head Coach Mike Yeo did not put him on the ice when they had a 5-on-3.
- Of the ten times they have been in a 5-on-3 power play, they've only scored twice -- and Granlund scored one of those times.
- Russo is afraid that there is an old guard-vs.-young turks dynamic that might fracture the locker room.
- He spoke with one of the commentators with the Oilers broadcast say that Wild bench was very, very quiet throughout the game.
- That commentator also believes that netminder Darcy Kuemper is really struggling right now.
They're fucked, aren't they?
This week they finish their four-game homestand versus the New York Rangers and Columbus, then begin a three-game road trip with a Boston-New York Islanders back-to-back.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Poor Bastards Of The Moment: The William & Mary Men's Basketball Team (Scheduled Post)
Saw the end of Monday night's Colonial Athletic Association Championship Game while working out. When the Tribe's Omar Prewitt hit a three-pointer, he gave his team a 74-68 lead with 81 seconds left in the game ... and then Delaware proceeded to end the game on a 7-0 run. When W&M's Marcus Thornton missed an unplanned, disorganized jumper for deep and the horn sounded, the Blue Hens won the title game and the automatic berth in the NCAA Tournament, their fifth overall but first since 1999.
Meanwhile, the Tribe were in the driver's seat on winning their first-ever trip to the Big Dance. They are one of only five charter Division I schools never to have made it to the tournament. And they were 1:21 away from doing it with a six-point lead. And they couldn't close the deal.
Saw the losers' reaction just after the buzzer. As Delaware players and fans stormed the court and met in the middle, Tribe players were drifting around their offensive end of the court. I saw one with his hands on his head, another who pulled his jersey over his head in shame. And all of them were dazed, unable to comprehend how they had lightning in their hands and couldn't hold on. So the drought continues.
Poor bastards.
Meanwhile, the Tribe were in the driver's seat on winning their first-ever trip to the Big Dance. They are one of only five charter Division I schools never to have made it to the tournament. And they were 1:21 away from doing it with a six-point lead. And they couldn't close the deal.
Saw the losers' reaction just after the buzzer. As Delaware players and fans stormed the court and met in the middle, Tribe players were drifting around their offensive end of the court. I saw one with his hands on his head, another who pulled his jersey over his head in shame. And all of them were dazed, unable to comprehend how they had lightning in their hands and couldn't hold on. So the drought continues.
Poor bastards.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Escaping The Wolves At Just The Right Time?
Finally it was time to tackle the problem claims, the ones from people who insist their exotic insurance should pay for their flu shots, and to which I have to break the news that, sorry, they won't.
I was extended through this week only. I am very, very sad that this assignment probably will end Friday. Even though I do have another assignment in two weeks and I could use next week off because it's my birthday and the beginning of March Madness, I've been at this place for six months. I still like it here, and I'll miss the people I work with, as well as the paychecks, when I have to go.
Nevertheless it's a good time to start breaking bad news. Not only did I wait until the last week (presuming I am not extended past this week) I waited till the end of the day. That way any bad reactions wouldn't affect the rest of my day.
Sure enough I was right. I got through two people. The first was a nice guy -- was, because as soon as I told him his insurance wouldn't cover the shot he threatened to file a complaint with the state Attorney General. Then there was a mother who told me that her insurance finally did pay for her kids' shots. That's great ... until she told me she will never use our organization ever again because it "is a pain in the ass." And this is from someone who did get her shots paid. What happens when I tell the other people on the list that they won't?
Both people said they weren't angry with me, of course, but I wasn't having any of their venting. Any more of this and I probably will be glad I'm done there.
At any rate I felt this tension, and I need a release -- a sexual one, preferably. At least I have the good timing of having the house to myself. I'm going to have either a sexy massage or my ATF come over and wank me something good. Because I deserve it.
I was extended through this week only. I am very, very sad that this assignment probably will end Friday. Even though I do have another assignment in two weeks and I could use next week off because it's my birthday and the beginning of March Madness, I've been at this place for six months. I still like it here, and I'll miss the people I work with, as well as the paychecks, when I have to go.
Nevertheless it's a good time to start breaking bad news. Not only did I wait until the last week (presuming I am not extended past this week) I waited till the end of the day. That way any bad reactions wouldn't affect the rest of my day.
Sure enough I was right. I got through two people. The first was a nice guy -- was, because as soon as I told him his insurance wouldn't cover the shot he threatened to file a complaint with the state Attorney General. Then there was a mother who told me that her insurance finally did pay for her kids' shots. That's great ... until she told me she will never use our organization ever again because it "is a pain in the ass." And this is from someone who did get her shots paid. What happens when I tell the other people on the list that they won't?
Both people said they weren't angry with me, of course, but I wasn't having any of their venting. Any more of this and I probably will be glad I'm done there.
At any rate I felt this tension, and I need a release -- a sexual one, preferably. At least I have the good timing of having the house to myself. I'm going to have either a sexy massage or my ATF come over and wank me something good. Because I deserve it.
Expenses Without Receipts
Damn, it's been so long. Starting from Sunday, March 9:
- I actually charged everything on Sunday (gasoline, Auto Show ticket, Late Night Italian Place), so I go to Saturday the 8th, where I started off having lunch at Wendy's. Cashed in on a coupon that I got at the Gopher men's hockey game for a free Ciabatta Bacon Cheeseburger, which is pretty good. I didn't know about the hard-looking bread, but it was a nice place setting for the stuff in the middle. I paid for a value-sized fries and Coke: $2.12.
- However, at the Wendy's counter I looked down and saw a quarter and a dime on the ground. I assume it's not mine, so this is an Infusion of: 35 cents.
- Early in the week I took out $100 out of my ATM in anticipation of going to a party that my ATF ***e* was working. But I didn't go (too tired?), so I had all this excess money in my wallet. Meanwhile I'm facing what probably is my last week at the flu biller place, so I think I'll have some afternoons to get out of the house and work out at the gym. Which means getting a monthly pass at the community center would make sense. So I got one: $15.
- Got home from the gym, took a nap, and left for the Minnesota Boys' State AA Hockey Final in St. Paul. Left without saying goodbye. Rather not have it that way, but if My Fucking Father remains disappointed in me, it's probably for the best. After about 50 minutes of getting across the river in traffic and finally finding a parking spot, I treated myself to dinner at Mickey's. Just a pork chop, 5 ounces, because I need to know the sizes of the food I eat for this experiment. Didn't even get a Coke because I was going to get one at the game. With tip: $4.39.
- The howler of a game. Edina 8-2 over Lakeville North. It got so bad that apparently they invoked the mercy rule and let the final minute run with everybody standing around on the ice. The Hornets have now gone back-to-back, and they could be a dynasty in the making. Scalped ticket, program, hot dog and Coke (medium-sized even though they call it a small): $30.
- Wednesday, March 5: Just got a bowl of chili from the eatery across the street from work. With tip: $3.50.
- Back to Monday the 3rd ... I hope there isn't any EWR beside my after-work time at My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Division) because I forgot. Coffee and tips because a girl I asked to get a dance from dissed me: $11.
- On Sunday the 2nd the only EWR was the gym: $3.
Saturday, March 1 -- same thing; first EWR was the gym: $3.(E at 12:30 a.m. on May 10 TA that long ago I had found the receipt for this particular expenditure, therefore I am going to cross this off.)- Friday, February 28 ... from this point on I'm relying on my day planner. Hopefully I put all my EWRs on there ... after I work I made a night of it at Dinkytown. I started with having artichoke ramekin at Loring Pasta Bar. Contrary to the Yelp review, I was OK with the service. But I should not be paying this much for an appetizer with tip: $17.
- I then went to Bordertown for coffee. With tip: $2.25.
- Finally the game, an ass-kicking of Penn St. Scalped ticket, program, hot dog and Coke: $24.75.
- On Tuesday the 25th and friend and I went to a free screening of Non-Stop. Liam Neeson elevates any movie he's in, but the plot twists were too much to believe. Grade: C. Popcorn and Coke: $10.75.
- Sunday, February 23: Do I have a receipt for the gym? If not: $3.
- I also took a break at My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Version). Needed it after, um, what I did. Coffee and tips for three because the fourth is a $5 girl: $8.
- ETA at 11:29 p.m. on March 13 that I may not have a receipt for lunch at Quizno's. If not, with tip: $8.
- On Saturday the 22nd I began at the gym: $3.
- I then went to the North Star Roller Girls championship bout at the Minneapolis Convention Center. Ticket, beer and tip: $23.
- Afterwards I headed off to blow off some Father-related steam at My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Edition). Coffee and tips for only three because, like the next day, one of the girls was a $5 girl. She works nights a lot: $8.
- Back to Thursday, February 20, when I ate chili at the eatery across the street from work. With tip: $3.50.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
All I Wanted To Do Is Get Some Coffee And Now My Car Is Fucking Broken
Spent time after watching Edina beat the living shit out of Lakeville North to repeat as high school hockey boys' AA state champions driving to Uptown for some coffee at Caffetto. But they were closed for a private party, so I had time to kill and wanted to try other places for the first time in a long time. Big changes: The place I used to go to has lost all their parking, and now closes at midnight instead of 1. Two other places I wanted to go to closed at 11, which is way too early.
Oh yeah, I digress when I should be wailing in despair at the unfairness of it all. To drive home from Uptown to home I use Hennepin Ave. North, what I consider the main drag of Uptown. It is also notorious for potholes, a result of being the main drag of a popular spot for nightlife in the area. Add to that the horrible weather followed up by our recent thaw that has made those holes, that were stretched out by the frozen water, which then evaporated during the thaw, stick. And I'm pretty sure I drove over every single one of those goddamn things on my way to the highway.
Now, as bad and annoying as they are, nothing has happened, thank God. Yeah, I need to avoid them, and I hear that bad things have happened to other people. But not to me ... at least not until this, when I started to hear a sound coming from the back end of my side of the car. It seems like a whirring or possibly a grinding sound. It stops when the car stops, but is bad especially when I turning the corner. Uh-fucking-oh.
I had a similar thing happen once when I got into an accident. It was a slippery off-ramp plus a tight corner where I damaged the front left side of my car. After that I heard a loud grinding noise (louder than this) that I lived with until I finally took it into the dealership, who, after riding along with me, the mechanic diagnosed as a wheel bearing, which cost me $500 to fix. I don't know if it'll be any cheaper now that I go to an independent mechanic, but it will cost me money -- money that I don't have, money that I would rather have spent on my whores now that my parents will be out of town for a few days.
And all I wanted to do was get some fucking coffee.
Oh yeah, I digress when I should be wailing in despair at the unfairness of it all. To drive home from Uptown to home I use Hennepin Ave. North, what I consider the main drag of Uptown. It is also notorious for potholes, a result of being the main drag of a popular spot for nightlife in the area. Add to that the horrible weather followed up by our recent thaw that has made those holes, that were stretched out by the frozen water, which then evaporated during the thaw, stick. And I'm pretty sure I drove over every single one of those goddamn things on my way to the highway.
Now, as bad and annoying as they are, nothing has happened, thank God. Yeah, I need to avoid them, and I hear that bad things have happened to other people. But not to me ... at least not until this, when I started to hear a sound coming from the back end of my side of the car. It seems like a whirring or possibly a grinding sound. It stops when the car stops, but is bad especially when I turning the corner. Uh-fucking-oh.
I had a similar thing happen once when I got into an accident. It was a slippery off-ramp plus a tight corner where I damaged the front left side of my car. After that I heard a loud grinding noise (louder than this) that I lived with until I finally took it into the dealership, who, after riding along with me, the mechanic diagnosed as a wheel bearing, which cost me $500 to fix. I don't know if it'll be any cheaper now that I go to an independent mechanic, but it will cost me money -- money that I don't have, money that I would rather have spent on my whores now that my parents will be out of town for a few days.
And all I wanted to do was get some fucking coffee.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
The Teams I'm Rooting For This Major League Soccer Season
Although I live in Minneapolis, which doesn't have an MLS soccer team (at least not yet), I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for the Los Angeles Galaxy, because I was going to college in L.A. when Major League Soccer began. I even bought a jersey, which may or may not be still at a friend of the family's.
Saying that, the advent of primary logos front and center on soccer jerseys in the league, something that admittedly is conventional in the world of soccer, has severely corroded my affinity for the Galaxy. I now refer to them as the L.A. Herbalife, named after the tea-turned-"lifestyle" company. That's partially why I love the World Cup; the beautiful country kits are unsoiled by corporate advertising.
Saying that, it is possible that four of the teams in MLS do not have sponsorship and will play (or at least start) this season, which begins this afternoon when defending champion Sporting Kansas City goes on the road (shouldn't the defending champion always start its season at home?) and play at one of the most raucous scenes in American soccer, Seattle. According to the stock photos in this season jersey preview, four of the teams will begin play sans corporate whoring: Chivas USA (based in L.A., like the Galaxy), Colorado, Houston and San Jose. I feel strongly enough about this that I will now root for these guys ... at least until they slap a company on themselves, which, well, may be as soon as their first game.
My TV Broke
Oh, yeah ... forgot I haven't mentioned this till now. My television set broke last Saturday afternoon.
So I got home that day (the morning after My Fucking Father yelled at me for "disrespecting" him) and I wanted to just march into my bed and hide. I plopped onto my bed and turned on the TV, switching to Channel 4 and the basketball game between, I think, host Florida and LSU. Tired of the fighting, I laid down and closed my eyes, hoping to maybe get a quick nap before dinner.
When I try to pass out I turn the sound down low, quiet enough for me to fade into unconsciousness, but loud enough to hear the game in case I can't but still don't want to open my eyes. As I was doing that and the TV was doing its thing, I hear a sudden loud screeching noise coming from the TV. At first I thought the broadcast was experiencing some technical difficulties. But as the screech didn't dissipate after several seconds, I had to open my eyes and turn (without my glasses on) to the TV.
Then, I saw the screen go black, from the top of the screen to almost halfway. It was as if a black curtain was being lowered down my TV screen. Also, the TV may have turned black and white. Regardless, as the black slowly cascaded down the screen, the TV abruptly turned itself off. No screen, no red power light, no nuthin'. And when I tried turning it back on, with both my remote and then the power button on the set, I too got nuttin'. It's not just off, dude -- I think it's broken.
My guess is that it's the cathode ray tube. Something drastic must have blown inside the television. I would love to get it fixed, but with no old set-top boxes being made, and with the possibility that a repair would cost hundreds (from a repair shop I don't even know exists; where would I find someone who's able to fix and old cathode-ray TV?), shit, this would be the time where I would actually heed My Father's advice and get a new TV. And, like with the smartphone I got from my uncle over Christmas, I would actually be living in the 21st century.
But am I going to get one yet? No. I'm still cash poor. Looking through Consumer Reports there are a couple good Samsungs I could get for $200 and $260, but both of them are so small I would have to squint from my bed. There's also a Samsung (or is it an LG?) that's 50" big, which would be more than enough (even overwhelming) but would set me back $650.
I'm holding off on getting a new TV even though it has altered my evening schedule. At night I would be able to veg out while watching my shows, but now I have to go outside to either the dining room or the living room to watch TV. I've done a little of that the past few days, but mostly I've either lain in bed in the dark trying to go to sleep early, or in my former bedroom (and current office) on my computer. I'm missing a lot of shows this way, most notably the late-night talk shows, most notably the first weeks of The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon and Late Night With Seth Meyers. I would like to see how they develop, but I don't have a TV in my room and it'd be too loud for my parents if I tried watching outside of my room.
Ironically enough, however, this problem could be solved. On Wednesday, just a few days after my television set broke, my parents bought a brand-new humongous TV for the dining room. That displaces the old TV to the living room, which in turn displaces that old (and non-HDTV) television set to ... Father's computer room. I guess he'll just sit there when he can't sleep, doesn't want to wake up Mother while watching TV and is too lazy to go upstairs. Better yet, it could go into my room, which would save me the expense of buying a new television and would make My Fucking Father happy that I'm finally upgrading the technology I have around me. But I don't think I can go, "Hey, my TV's broken, and since you bought a new TV for the dining room, I figure I could get the old TV from the living room. How's that?" That would be the presumptuous entitlement of a soon-to-be-38-year-old who should leave the house permanently.
I guess I'll wait until they notice how many nights I'm outside instead of inside watching TV.
So I got home that day (the morning after My Fucking Father yelled at me for "disrespecting" him) and I wanted to just march into my bed and hide. I plopped onto my bed and turned on the TV, switching to Channel 4 and the basketball game between, I think, host Florida and LSU. Tired of the fighting, I laid down and closed my eyes, hoping to maybe get a quick nap before dinner.
When I try to pass out I turn the sound down low, quiet enough for me to fade into unconsciousness, but loud enough to hear the game in case I can't but still don't want to open my eyes. As I was doing that and the TV was doing its thing, I hear a sudden loud screeching noise coming from the TV. At first I thought the broadcast was experiencing some technical difficulties. But as the screech didn't dissipate after several seconds, I had to open my eyes and turn (without my glasses on) to the TV.
Then, I saw the screen go black, from the top of the screen to almost halfway. It was as if a black curtain was being lowered down my TV screen. Also, the TV may have turned black and white. Regardless, as the black slowly cascaded down the screen, the TV abruptly turned itself off. No screen, no red power light, no nuthin'. And when I tried turning it back on, with both my remote and then the power button on the set, I too got nuttin'. It's not just off, dude -- I think it's broken.
My guess is that it's the cathode ray tube. Something drastic must have blown inside the television. I would love to get it fixed, but with no old set-top boxes being made, and with the possibility that a repair would cost hundreds (from a repair shop I don't even know exists; where would I find someone who's able to fix and old cathode-ray TV?), shit, this would be the time where I would actually heed My Father's advice and get a new TV. And, like with the smartphone I got from my uncle over Christmas, I would actually be living in the 21st century.
But am I going to get one yet? No. I'm still cash poor. Looking through Consumer Reports there are a couple good Samsungs I could get for $200 and $260, but both of them are so small I would have to squint from my bed. There's also a Samsung (or is it an LG?) that's 50" big, which would be more than enough (even overwhelming) but would set me back $650.
I'm holding off on getting a new TV even though it has altered my evening schedule. At night I would be able to veg out while watching my shows, but now I have to go outside to either the dining room or the living room to watch TV. I've done a little of that the past few days, but mostly I've either lain in bed in the dark trying to go to sleep early, or in my former bedroom (and current office) on my computer. I'm missing a lot of shows this way, most notably the late-night talk shows, most notably the first weeks of The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon and Late Night With Seth Meyers. I would like to see how they develop, but I don't have a TV in my room and it'd be too loud for my parents if I tried watching outside of my room.
Ironically enough, however, this problem could be solved. On Wednesday, just a few days after my television set broke, my parents bought a brand-new humongous TV for the dining room. That displaces the old TV to the living room, which in turn displaces that old (and non-HDTV) television set to ... Father's computer room. I guess he'll just sit there when he can't sleep, doesn't want to wake up Mother while watching TV and is too lazy to go upstairs. Better yet, it could go into my room, which would save me the expense of buying a new television and would make My Fucking Father happy that I'm finally upgrading the technology I have around me. But I don't think I can go, "Hey, my TV's broken, and since you bought a new TV for the dining room, I figure I could get the old TV from the living room. How's that?" That would be the presumptuous entitlement of a soon-to-be-38-year-old who should leave the house permanently.
I guess I'll wait until they notice how many nights I'm outside instead of inside watching TV.
Friday, March 7, 2014
My Frequent Pretzel-Eater's Card Was Taken From Me (Scheduled Post)
The past couple days I've felt kind of weird when it came to my appetite. On the one hand I felt hungry throughout the day. On the other hand I didn't think I was hungry enough to pull out my wallet and spend money I keep bitching I don't have.
Wednesday, in part because the latter half of my lunch break was ruined by the monthly weather emergency horn test, I decided to get chili from the eatery right across the street from work. I still have this thing where I am reluctant to use cash for only one expenditure a day; I would rather either not spend anything at all or use a credit card. But since I've also been bitching about how high my credit card bills are, I've started to relax the "must use cash for at least two things per day" rule I had for myself, such as with the chili.
Thursday I was ready to do it again. I was going to check out new TVs at the mall closest to me (oh, my TV broke! Now I remember what I wanted to blog about; maybe I'll talk about this soon), and I had thought about grabbing a quick bite to eat. But where? Dairy Queen? Orange Julius?
But then I remembered that there is this new Pepperoni Pretzel at Auntie Anne's, and I had wanted to try it. Even better, I remembered that I have a frequent eater's card with Auntie Anne's. Do stores and restaurants still even use punch cards? I actually have two of them from Auntie Anne's, one from the one at the mall closest to me, and one at ... well, I don't really remember. It's been that long ago, at least a decade, when I first got them. I don't eat Auntie Anne's a lot, but I still have the punch cards in my wallet whenever I get the urge to (most of the time) get a Pretzel Dog. Those are damn good.
I rummaged through my wallet to take out the punch cards. Sure enough, I earned a free pretzel on the card I got at the mall closest to me had. I earned it a long time, probably years, ago, but I'm one of the folks who would rather pay for a pretzel and only use a free one when I really, really need to use it -- for example, when I want to eat something out of the house but not use any money that day. I could have saved it for, say, weekend lunch instead of an hour before I would eat dinner at home, but hey, I was in a weird mood and I hadn't eaten all day, might as well use it.
So I give the Auntie Anne's lady (and she is a lady, not one of the young girls who usually work there) my punch card and ask if I could use it for the Pepperoni Pretzel. She says yes ... and then says that they don't take nor use punch cards anymore. She asks if I have a smartphone, then tells me that if I sign up electronically for their new frequent eater's card, I can get a free pretzel right away.
Sounds good. But then she tells me she's going to take -- well, actually confiscate and destroy the card I gently handed over to her. And the only thing I could think of is, "Hey, you stole my card!" But it's such a helpless feeling, you know? I understand that she told me I could immediately get a free pretzel for signing up through my smartphone when I would have to, if I remember correctly, get that card punched four more times. But first of all, I'm not going to sign up because that means I'll get loads of fucking junk texts and e-mails from Auntie Anne's when I don't need more junk in my life, plus I'll be given a Quick Response code on my smartphone that I'll have to show when I get that free pretzel, and I don't know how to do that quite yet. I'm not a member anymore, basically.
But looking back on it, I can't feel as if this card was stolen from me. I innocently gave her my card to cash in on a free pretzel I had earned. I had no idea that it would be taken from me, and yet it's now in the trash. It had been in my wallet, and before that my old wallet, basically a part of my life, for at least -- at least -- a decade. Sure, I didn't think of it most of the time, but it was still there. And now it's gone, over a random, simply act of redeeming a pretzel. And I was blown away by this turn of events I could not foresee. All I could do was stare blankly at her and half-smile when she intimated that signing up online would give me a free pretzel faster, say thank you, and walk away, an important piece of paper taken from me, never to be seen, never to be in my wallets, never to be with me, ever again.
That bitch is a thief. She should be fired. And I want my punch card back. There, I said it.
---
By the way, the Pepperoni Pretzel is OK, although it would have been better if it would have been a lot warmer and therefore better if it hadn't been sitting under the display case/heat lamp for what tasted like hours. Oh, and here's a commercial for it. Thought this pretzel was new, but it turns out this was first launched in the summer of 2009. This advertisement isn't what you would call professional, but the amateurish nature of it is quite appealing, in fact.
Wednesday, in part because the latter half of my lunch break was ruined by the monthly weather emergency horn test, I decided to get chili from the eatery right across the street from work. I still have this thing where I am reluctant to use cash for only one expenditure a day; I would rather either not spend anything at all or use a credit card. But since I've also been bitching about how high my credit card bills are, I've started to relax the "must use cash for at least two things per day" rule I had for myself, such as with the chili.
Thursday I was ready to do it again. I was going to check out new TVs at the mall closest to me (oh, my TV broke! Now I remember what I wanted to blog about; maybe I'll talk about this soon), and I had thought about grabbing a quick bite to eat. But where? Dairy Queen? Orange Julius?
But then I remembered that there is this new Pepperoni Pretzel at Auntie Anne's, and I had wanted to try it. Even better, I remembered that I have a frequent eater's card with Auntie Anne's. Do stores and restaurants still even use punch cards? I actually have two of them from Auntie Anne's, one from the one at the mall closest to me, and one at ... well, I don't really remember. It's been that long ago, at least a decade, when I first got them. I don't eat Auntie Anne's a lot, but I still have the punch cards in my wallet whenever I get the urge to (most of the time) get a Pretzel Dog. Those are damn good.
I rummaged through my wallet to take out the punch cards. Sure enough, I earned a free pretzel on the card I got at the mall closest to me had. I earned it a long time, probably years, ago, but I'm one of the folks who would rather pay for a pretzel and only use a free one when I really, really need to use it -- for example, when I want to eat something out of the house but not use any money that day. I could have saved it for, say, weekend lunch instead of an hour before I would eat dinner at home, but hey, I was in a weird mood and I hadn't eaten all day, might as well use it.
So I give the Auntie Anne's lady (and she is a lady, not one of the young girls who usually work there) my punch card and ask if I could use it for the Pepperoni Pretzel. She says yes ... and then says that they don't take nor use punch cards anymore. She asks if I have a smartphone, then tells me that if I sign up electronically for their new frequent eater's card, I can get a free pretzel right away.
Sounds good. But then she tells me she's going to take -- well, actually confiscate and destroy the card I gently handed over to her. And the only thing I could think of is, "Hey, you stole my card!" But it's such a helpless feeling, you know? I understand that she told me I could immediately get a free pretzel for signing up through my smartphone when I would have to, if I remember correctly, get that card punched four more times. But first of all, I'm not going to sign up because that means I'll get loads of fucking junk texts and e-mails from Auntie Anne's when I don't need more junk in my life, plus I'll be given a Quick Response code on my smartphone that I'll have to show when I get that free pretzel, and I don't know how to do that quite yet. I'm not a member anymore, basically.
But looking back on it, I can't feel as if this card was stolen from me. I innocently gave her my card to cash in on a free pretzel I had earned. I had no idea that it would be taken from me, and yet it's now in the trash. It had been in my wallet, and before that my old wallet, basically a part of my life, for at least -- at least -- a decade. Sure, I didn't think of it most of the time, but it was still there. And now it's gone, over a random, simply act of redeeming a pretzel. And I was blown away by this turn of events I could not foresee. All I could do was stare blankly at her and half-smile when she intimated that signing up online would give me a free pretzel faster, say thank you, and walk away, an important piece of paper taken from me, never to be seen, never to be in my wallets, never to be with me, ever again.
That bitch is a thief. She should be fired. And I want my punch card back. There, I said it.
---
By the way, the Pepperoni Pretzel is OK, although it would have been better if it would have been a lot warmer and therefore better if it hadn't been sitting under the display case/heat lamp for what tasted like hours. Oh, and here's a commercial for it. Thought this pretzel was new, but it turns out this was first launched in the summer of 2009. This advertisement isn't what you would call professional, but the amateurish nature of it is quite appealing, in fact.
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