I Still Can't Think Under Pressure

What happened at the Wendy's this afternoon is partly the reason why I don't look for work.

Getting lunch for me and my uncle.  Go across the street.  Since there are no good towels at the store, I usually wash my hands and piss at Wendy's bathroom.  But this time it was locked, so I waited.  I dally down the hall when I hear the door open.  This young punk yelled at me some gibberish.  I just assumed he wanted to know if I was the one who tried to open the door, but he tried to show me up -- maybe, I'm not sure what he said.  But I took that as a threat, so my pulse quickened and my muscles tightened and my mind raced.

This ignorant prick finally got done.  He didn't acknowledge me, didn't even look at me, but he passed by me.  For what it's worth, I was prepared.  For what, though, I don't know.  This is like the days after I got teased at school.  I was all keyed up, but what was I steeling myself for?  I just get really tense.

And that's what happened as I waited in line.  The two groups ahead of me were particularly difficult and stupid -- telling the woman this is for here, asking for water, coming back to ask for a tray, coming back to say the kid spilled their food, coming back to say we're going to take this to go, all that bullshit.  This would rattle me when I'm feeling OK, but when I'm watching my back I get really testy.  I think I took it out on the girl who took my order.  I mumbled, "Coke," and she barked at me again to pick what kind of drink.  (Dealing with idiots would make me a bit pissy, too, so I understand her mood.)

I tried to calm myself down mentally -- don't yell, keep your emotions bottled up, let your feelings pass, and just grab your stuff and go.  And I did my normal routine at Wendy's after I ordered: I got the ketchup cup, the straw, the napkins, and then I put the straw in my drink, pull the wrapper into a knot, pull it apart to see if the knot held (it did, meaning no one was thinking about me then) and got the food.  But, when I got back to the store and dutifully went through my mental checklist (give Uncle money, give him nuggets, check to see if the burger was the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger that's his or the Double Stack that's mine), I forgot the napkins.  The fucking goddamn napkins.

And that is the kind of mental lapse that still is so infuriating.  I'm so mad at myself that one argument from some motherfucker can spin me into losing my bearings and making me forget to do even the simplest and most rote tasks.  And this happens every single time I'm under stress, whether it's a stranger or a deadline or some obstacle I put in front of myself.  How can I function as a normal human being, someone productive and reliable, when I forget napkins because some asshole sounds like he wants to punch me in the face?  And how in the hell do you forget to get napkins, especially when you've gotten them every single time before?

Such self-loathing I feel.