#-1: Twins (Last Week:-1). Who cares if you go 4-2 for the week and 11-4 in your last 15 games when Joe Nathan -- Joe Fucking Nathan! -- blows the lead with back-to-back homers with 2 out in the top of the ninth? This team has broken down everywhere at all times; the last thing it needs is the "dependable" stopper to choke when they needed a sweep against the demoralized White Sox. They thus are now 4 1/2 games behind Detroit in the AL Central, whose title is the only way the Twinkies are going to get into the playoffs. And I don't know how they're going to do it if their pitching staff is being held together with baling wire and spit, aka Jon Rauch and Ron Mahay. Do those two guys strike fear into anyone? And would you depend on two journeymen to get yourself into the postseason? They are on the road all week: Cleveland for the weekend, Toronto for the workweek. Both opponents are out of it, but it's uncertain whether this team has the talent to put them away seven straight times like they have to.
#-2: Vikings (Last Week: -2). OK, I'm starting to become convinced that Brett Favre is the answer. The Houston Texans on Monday had to respect him and his passing ability, and that will allow Adrian Peterson to run All Day. Better yet, he did what Tarvaris Jackson still has not been able to do: Lead a two-minute offense with poise and confidence, and read a blitz so he can get the ball to the right guy. That first half-ending release pass to Chester Taylor for a TD was the stuff leaders do. God I don't want to make myself believe that this team can win the Super Bowl, but. ... The last exhibition game on Friday against Dallas is for scrubs, Jackson and Sage Rosenfels. The only question is whether T-Jack or John David Booty will be the odd man out of purple.
#-3: Gopher volleyball (Brand New!). They start off the season 3-1. Unlike the Vikings, their season has already seen a possible ceiling to their championship aspirations. First of all, it's good to see that they can sweep also-rans George Mason and Navy, but why is anyone in women's college volleyball playing games on Monday and Tuesday. The more important games are against good teams, and they played in what was the best tournament of Opening Weekend: the Runza/AVCA Showcase in Omaha. Yes, they beat Kansas St. But they lost in five sets to Nebraska, a team which was beaten by Michigan, who now may be the team that finishes behind Penn St. in the Big 10. They come back home to once again host their Diet Coke Classic Labor Weekend. The big competition in this tournament is Iowa St., the lower-ranked team that came into the Sports Pavilion during last year's NCAA Tournament and completely embarrassed the Gophers in four sets. (Goddamn, the Gophers were considered to be the sixth-best team in the whole fucking tournament and they lost to Iowa St.! At home even!!!)
#-4: Timberwolves (Re-Entry!). I do not buy any of Ricky Rubio's explanation that he wants more time to play in Spain. No one turns down the NBA. No one, unless you absolutely hate the team you've been drafted by. Rubio would've come over if Knicks fans, Lakers fans -- hell, Clippers fans awaited him at the airport. No fucking way he wants to play in Minnesota. We ain't good enough for him. And that's why he made up this cockamamie story about "some things happened" and "it wasn't to be." A guy born in the nineties now fancies himself a philosopher? Bullshit. Rubio's just waiting David Kahn out. And Kahn may just do that -- for good reason. Rubio's veteran clock only begins once he starts playing on an NBA floors, so Rubio will be paid like a rookie as soon as he decides to become a rookie. And if he continues to blow up in Spain, that only increases the value of players and draft picks the Woofie Dogs will receive once they trade him. Also, yes, Rubio may have put more asses in the seats, but this franchise is going to suck for the next two years at least (although I repeat my assertion that the team before Kahn started blowing it up wasn't that far away from respectability), so he wasn't going to help anyway. Well, at least we now have a coaching staff made up of guys I remember watching as players when I was young.
#-5: Lynx (Last Week: -3). That's it, it's over. Last one leaving please turn out the lights. The thrill is gone, it's time to fold this team. Dropping their latest game, an 84-82 double-overtime loss to San Antonio on Tuesday that gave the Silver Stars the driver's seat for the last playoff spot in the West, is a dealbreaker. They just haven't been playing well; they couldn't get it done at Washington, and before then they had to drain 16 3-pointers (a record in regulation) to beat Western Conference doormat Sacramento by five at home. They just can't stop people, plain and simple. This week: their final two games at Target Center (maybe ever?) against Seattle and Detroit. Good luck with that, ladies.
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