Well, I will be if I don't churn out more work. But I don't know how I can, since I busted my ass today.
It's a pretty shitty feeling that began on the good foot in the morning and then, for some fucking reason, went downhill. I was going good going through those forms. But then I was going back and correcting some things, and before you know it, I finished behind. I don't know what hit me.
What I do know is that my boss is telling me that I have to work fast while getting everything right. I don't know if he understands the inherent contradiction, but you can't do both, especially when we're just getting up to speed on this shit. Moreover -- and I might as well say this while I still have bullets in the chamber -- he threw on our laps a lot of shit that we don't understand, and he did a piss-poor job of instructing us on what to do. In fact, there are a lot of exceptions that we will need to keep in mind, and that's gong to bog me down, and that will hurt production ... and apparently that will mean I will lose my job.
Yesterday my supervisor just wished we got close to production as possible. But then, as I was exiting the local Barnes & Noble, I surreptitiously took out my cellphone while it was lighting up (I put it on silent and took it out of my hip pocket to check if anybody left a voicemail). It was my contact at the temp agency. We traded hellos and how-ya-doin's, but as soon as I saw the Caller ID I knew what this call was going to be about: Better fucking do what we say or you're fired.
What hurts -- and I can't say that it's untrue, only that I tried as hard as I could -- is that he pointed out that I was on pace to meet my mark but then tailed off in the afternoon. I wonder if that's going to damage my reputation more than just not producing what I need to produce. I can just imagine the talk my contact had with my supervisor -- he decided to get a flu shot, he started to eat at his desk, he started to lose focus once I gave him back the incomplete files, blah-blah-fucking-blah. You know, I guess I didn't heed his advice: I just did all the stuff that I got, to the best of my ability, without a mistake. I mean, what's the use of doing this shit fast if it's all wrong? That's what I was trying to avoid.
But now I'm under the gun. And the worst thing about all of this is I think I already have a black mark against me that I can't wash off. And my fucking God, I can't even fucking wait to see my boss open the door for me tomorrow morning. That's going to be the most fucking awkward hello ever.
I guess I'll have to work through lunch. I got a free bottle of 5-Hour Energy, and shit, I might as well use it if I need to meet the numbers. But fuck it, it might be too late. I could pump out 600 and it might be too late. I'll get the same motherfucking call I got at the same time tomorrow, only this time telling me I've been let go, and I don't give a shit if I'm in a public space, I will Fucking. Lose. My. Goddamn. Mind. This is such bullshit. All I'm trying to do is the right thing, and this threat basically warns me that it'll take a goddamn miracle for me to keep this job.
And I need this job, too. I have to pay the car repair bill, and I was depending on this job to pay it off. I planned on logging onto my laptop and getting off of unemployment today; can't do that anymore, since I might be out on my ass tomorrow. I also wanted to buy a Walkman so I could listen to The Common Man during lunch through it instead of turning on my car and draining the battery. But what's the use of a Walkman if I don't need to use it? All of this happened because of that goddamn call, that goddamn warning.
This is just utter bullshit. I don't know what to do.
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