This weekend I was an extra for a short film. Yesterday I had to drive to St. Paul, this afternoon to Bloomington, kind of close to the Megamall. Didn't think it was a big deal for my car, at least beyond taking my fuel gauge down to nearly empty way before Double Gas Coupon Tuesday.
But as I was stopped on the off-ramp home, my car started to shake violently. Like, really violently. Like a bull being ridden by a rider being held back before the gate opens. I don't ever remember my car shaking that violently. Ever.
I don't know what the deal is. My fuel gauge was close to empty, but I've risked driving my car with that little gas before and I was fine. Are things different now? Do I not have that cushion anymore? Maybe it's the fuel pump? It can't be the spark plugs or the wires or the distributor, can it? I had all those fucking things replaced the past year already -- twice! Or is it the transmission? I haven't checked it, let alone filled it with fluid, in a long time, but the last time I did check it it was full. I mean, it wasn't as if it was shifting bad, but the car has been slow to accelerate from low speeds lately. I just chalk that up to winter. And maybe this rearing up is because of the winter. Or maybe because it's old. Or maybe it's all of those things but it's temporary.
Whatever it was, I felt unsafe in my car again. I got it home, but the damn contractor's truck took up two of the three available spaces so I couldn't just wedge my car in there. That was frustration added on top of my anxiety, so I figured that I had to put something into the car to make it better, something. So I went to the gas station, where, after I parked it, it started shaking like a goddamn motherfucker again.
Another reason I didn't want to put gas in my car today was I would have had to use my credit card, and I've been charging things up the wazoo every day for the past week. But I was desperate to stop this goddamn shaking. So I put in $15 worth of gasoline in it. Also, I checked the transmission. Again, it was beyond full. But just in case, I threw in 200 mL more of tranny fluid. I'm risking overfilling the transmission, but goddamn, my car was shaking!!!
I turn the car on -- the car is humming fine. I drove it the half-mile home and parked it behind my parents' minivan because the contractor truck was still there. Parked it; the car continued to idle peacefully, not at war. OK, so it's either the gas or the transmission or the weather or it's old or it just got on a bad idling cycle and it was all gone when I turned off my car, or it's all of those things or it's none of those things.
Fuck if I know? What if it comes back again tomorrow? That might be the only good thing about not working now: I don't need to miss work to get this fixed if I need to. I just don't have the fucking money.
My car was the one thing I had going for me, and now I don't even have that.
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