Can Somebody Invent A Better Nail Clipper, Please?

My fingernails were getting so long that when I typed, my left index nail was hitting the keyboard on my laptop so much that it was hurting my finger.  Does that ever happen to you?  I hate when that happens, hurting as you type.  That's why clipping my nails feel such a relief; it's a pain-free joy to be able to type without that suffering afterward.

I wanted to do it earlier, but my parents are now using the upstairs/my bathroom because the contractor they hired is now in the middle of completely gutting their master bathroom: Taking out the old sink, the old toilet, the old shower, the maligned shower walls, the old walls with the 70s wallpaper, and the ceiling, behind which was a water leak from a pipe that needed to be replaced for at least a decade.  A couple days ago I finally saw the old bathroom naked, down to the wood.

And all I can say is, Fucking finally.  I have no goddamn idea why they would remodel the upper bathroom when everything -- and I mean everything -- in the lower bathroom had to go.  There is very little in the remodeling of the house that I agree with, but at least they've decided to change a room that actually needed changing because everything in there wasn't working.

Anyway, I would have trimmed my nails sooner, but I had time to do it when I came back home late last night.  (I also waited because I'm suspicious; I read in a book somewhere when I was young that it's bad luck to cut your nails on a Friday.)  And once again, even though I could see the light at the end of the nailbed-groomed tunnel, the means to get there are still a pain-in-the-ass.

First of all, to trim my toenails, I can't use the tub because my shadow gets in the way.  So I leap onto the sink counter and dangle my foot over the edge.  That used to be fine with the old counter, but the new one, sleek as it looks, is a lot higher.  Therefore, it's always a bit of a struggle for me to climb on top of it.  Reminds me of all the instances where I tried to pull myself up the pipe I was playing on for recess when I was a kid.  (This is another of the remodels that I hate; when am I going to get around to blogging about all the new things around the house that I dislike?)

Then I have to deal with trimming the nails.  I have the standard nail clipper, the one everybody uses, the one that's small enough to put into your keychain.  And it sucks, it's a flawed design:

• I generate no torque from it, and sometimes I have to push down on the thing twice before it breaks through the nail.  My fingers hurt after I try and trim them;
• The handle is at an angle, and I don't know about you, but my finger slides down that handle when I pushing down, so I have to reset and try it all over again;
• Both ... teeth? ... are too small to fit around the ends of the nailbed, the very edge, the part where, if you don't get around it, the nail just kind of hangs on at the sides of your nails, you know?  But it's a goddamn pain to slide that thing through the edge there;
• And it's so small that I just drop the damn thing from time to time.  Did that last night; went all the way down to the floor, so I had to say a prayer, leap all the way off the counter, retrieve it, then climb all the way back up.  It's too much fucking work!

You know what I once had?  This.  I grew up using this.  Grandmother and my parents used this.  In fact, this is what I thought of as a "normal" fingernail clipper, even though just this moment while I was looking up Google Images I see that it's referred to as a toenail clipper.  I use it for all my limbs because it's stronger, easier on the hands, and can fit in and under anywhere you need to take out a nail.  Actually, I used it because My Fucking Father threw the one I had somewhere when he so rudely moved all of my shit from my old bedroom into Grandmother's bedroom.

I really could use that.  I miss my nail trimmer.