But then my predecessor leaves me a voicemail after work. He was, to put it mildly, not happy. He got wind of some, shall we say, rumblings about -- ahem -- me. Shit about what I'm doing, and not doing, for Sunday, as well as the all-important parties in the fall. First of all, I don't know how he's getting questions. He's not with the club anymore, so why are people coming to him?
I was in knots after I left him a message asking him to call me back. I've never heard him this concerned, if not angry, before.
When he called back for dinner, the other shoe dropped. He had a laundry list of issues concerning my leadership -- none of which was communicated to me, at all, till now, several days before this big day.
I will attempt to refute these issues one-by-one:
- Lack of Communication Concerning Sunday: Maybe I'm being a little insular. But honestly, I'm giving myself a pass over this. Not only have we hashed things out (at least I think we have -- I suspect that one of the people who complained about me is the person who's hosting the event), but I am going into this with the assumption that no one is able to help me. I remember helping out last year and it was just me, my predecessor, and the person who is hosting the event. This year it's just me and her; both the predecessor and the other current board member are out of town this weekend. So let's just say we have not had a good track record of getting volunteers, so why bother to ask? Now, I didn't think it'd be a problem; I'll be helping prepare Saturday for a couple hours, then be back for a couple more on Sunday. These parties have been so small that setting up and tearing down have never been a huge operation. The two of us would have been able to do it just fine. Guess somebody begs to differ.
- Refusing To Go To Our Fall Parties: I kind of don't get this, even though he tried to explain it to me again and again. Someone told him that he or she weren't coming -- anymore, at all, never have, don't know. Again, I'm blindsided by this. I was going to get things rolling next month, but someone seems to take issue with ... well, I thought it was the venue, but turns out it is me. Regardless of that, my attitude is, I was going to make an announcement during the party, then ramp up communication over the month, and we'll have all our diehards and if anyone else wants to show up, cool. I see no problem with that. But back to me ...
- I Wandered Off At The House Once: OK ... um ... this is humiliating to hear this. It was brought to his attention that I walked around the house during one of the fall parties. I don't remember this at all, but since I talk to myself constantly, I probably walked to -- oh, I don't know, the far end of the kitchen or something. I know I did not go where I was not allowed. But apparently someone saw me doing something that he or she thought was creepy, and therefore brought it to my predecessor's attention. I have no idea how this affects my leadership, yet this is the thing that freaks me out the most: Being known as a weirdo. How the fuck am I supposed to defend myself against this accusation? (BTW, if the person raising this complaint is the one who hosted those particular parties ... well, the fact that she or he seemed cool to me and yet didn't address this issue to my face is ... very, very disappointing.)
- Professionalism: OK, this is the one that bugs me the most. I'm not sure if he cited a specific example. But it seems as if this is a broad concept that, from what he hears, is lacking in me. This is the most vexing problem to the club, and yet, in my opinion, it's the most superfluous and juvenile. Seriously, who in the fuck cares how professional I carry myself? But he devoted the majority of his call to reminding me that I'm the representative of the university, and how this party is the first exposure many of these guys have to the club, etc. This criticism hurts, it really does. And yet this is the one where I know, for a fact, I will not change about me. Guys, I'm a temp who lives at home with his parents, and who doesn't like to shower nor shave. And I'm the president. Sad but true.
Great; I have all these suspicious people in the shadows trying to take me down. I don't know who it is that doesn't like me, but I'm scared that I'll see them Sunday. What the fuck am I supposed to do?
And in the meantime I still need to order the cake, maybe get the balloons, maybe get the sign ... goddamn, all of these things that I thought I could handle I don't think I can handle now because someone who I trust a lot now doubts that I can handle it. You know, how many balloons do we need, anyway? And do we really have to have a sign? (Do you think she's getting pissed that I'm asking so many questions? Is she the one who complained about me? You know, if I weren't so lost in preparing for this party, I would consider her to be overbearing. Then again, the possibility that she did an end-run around me to lodge a complaint about me would make her overbearing as well.)
All I can do is the best I can. I buy, I get, I prepare, I make, I talk, hopefully I smile, and I tolerate. And people will tolerate me. Maybe. The best that I can do. If he doesn't think that's good enough ... well, that's a problem.
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I was going to sleep on this. Maybe I'm being defensive, or overreacting, or even paranoid. But when I came back on the Internet to type this it turns out he did make good on something he alluded to in our one-sided conversation: He got back onto the e-mail blast and asked people to help prepare for the party.
I wish he hadn't done that.
Look ... well, let me back up a bit. He's the first president of the club, and as he told me, he busted his ass in order to get this club up and running. The way he describes it, there was and is a lot more toil than I guess he's intimating I have done for this club. Beyond the fact that we didn't do a whole lot while he was president, I was making sure I hit the big dates in the calendar just to keep the club alive. But he doesn't think I've been doing my job, or else he wouldn't have e-mailed everyone late tonight begging for help.
Let's be real: The optics -- how this looks -- totally undercuts my authority. Everyone who got that e-mail has to be going, "Wait ... why is he getting into the middle of this?" And I have no answer. I totally got my manhood taken away from me. Totally uncalled for. Maybe it was necessary, maybe it was deserved. But there were so many better ways to ask for help, all of them without the need to call me out like this.
This hurts. A lot.
He has a direction for this club. And he seems to be worried about how I "represent" it. If who I am and how I act results in damage to the club, I truly, sincerely think I need to step aside. It would be better for all of us, and the club, if I just fucking leave if I'm such a goddamn embarrassment. Looks like he wants it; he put the wheels in motion tonight.
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This is how obsessed I am over this now: My car was totally acting up on the way home, had a bitch of a time accelerating. It's to the point where I have to tell my parents I'm bringing it into the shop, so they might need to drop me off at work next week. Despite that, I can tell you right now that I am totally not worried about that because I have to worry about all this the party, my job, the whole goddamn thing.
And I need to go to sleep so I can function at work tomorrow, but I'm not tired at all. I tried to take a nap this evening but I'm so wired fucking worrying about this bullshit.
Am I going to lose all that I hold dear just because some people have a crisis in confidence over me?
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I wonder if someone found out about me. Whether it was through my facebook, where I do not hide the fact that I friend a lot of Playboy, fitness and weightlifting babes, or ... well, this blog. Is either thing unbecoming of a leader of a club? Maybe I should have thought about it more once I got hired, but I do remember having a couple fleeting thoughts of, "Wait a second -- will this make me look bad?" And then I follow that up with, "Oh, who cares, she's hot!!!"
Hey! You! Are you out there? You don't like who I friend or what I talk about? So now you're gonna question and attack and challenge my authority -- behind my back?! Why don't you do me a favor and have the decency to say it to my face, could ya? PLEASE?!?!?! Really, seriously, please, 'cause if I'm hurting the club, I like to know, I REALLY WANT TO FUCKING KNOW!!!
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