The Death Of Another Soap Opera Means The Death Of A Soap Opera Column

And then there were four. One Life To Live aired its last episode Friday, leaving four soaps still on the air.

And because there are only four, the weekly "Soap Opera Digest" column that is currently penned by Dana Block of North America Syndicate, Inc., will also shut down.

This is her last column, running today. Commemorate it.

Death causing death, people losing their jobs. I hate this. It's bad.

Bitch, You Wanna Be Facebook Friends With Me?!?!?!

A couple days ago this cunt from high school made a request on my facebook. I was never friends with this woman. There are three things I remember from this woman:

• Her boyfriend at the time bullied me. And he wasn't even a teasing bully. When he insulted me, he said it with this scowl on my face like he wanted me to try and punch him so he could kill me. I don't even know that son-of-a-bitch's name and I still want to kill him.
• The entire class had to take this weekend trip to a camp in Wisconsin. This camp practiced and tried to preach conservation. One of the things they did to "teach" us during this camp (and to think we kids could be taught while camping, hah!) was to set a goal of wasting food when we ate. It was a ridiculously small amount, like, five pounds. Well, our first dinner that night we went over this limit. The leader of the campground was visibly, if laughably (in that treehugger kind of way) upset. But the person who threw away the most food, by far, was this stupid girl. And she tried to defend herself; I think she screamed, "Well, I didn't know!" to everyone within earshot.
• She was a bad memory till about a year ago, when I saw her goddamn name and face on facebook. She's friends with a friend of mine (I've reevaluated our relationship because of that and decided to let it slide), so I was able to see a comment she made regarding her belief that marriage is between a man and a woman. Oh, she's gotten all religious now, huh? A couple other classmates shouted her down. In a separate conversation, one of them called her a "judgmental bitch." That sounds right.

And she friended me??? Why? Seriously, I don't get it. I can't even see from her perspective why she would want to be friends with me. We hated each other. Well, I hated her, at least.

This reminds me of another high school person who friended me. He used to be a friend, but he decided to be friends with the people who bullied me. He also participated in an NBA playoff pool where he never paid his ante. It's been so long, so I just say he owes me, oh, $30.

So when this fucker friends me, I have absolutely no intention of letting bygones be bygones. I go, "Hey, you owe me $30." So he goes, "When?" And I remind him of the NBA playoff pool. So he then says, "Yeah, I would do that." But I persisted: "Well, can you pay me back?"

And then ... nothing. I sent him another message, telling him he can repay me by check or through Paypal. Next thing I know, he withdrew his friend request. Cheap welching bastard.

I should have sent a message to this bitch saying, "Cunt, I wouldn't be friends with you with we were the last two goddamn people on Earth. I hope you drop dead, I hope your husband drops dead, and I hope your kids drop dead." But I don't need that reputation.

Why isn't there a "No" button? I get either "Accept" or "Not Now." Zuckerberg, don't beat around the bush. There are people who don't want to accept friend requests and don't mind saying that to the requester. But I had to go to "Not Now." Maybe she'll get the hint.

The Weekly Minnesota Sports Survey

#-1: Gopher wrestling (Re-Entry!). These guys actually returned to the mat New Year's Day, but that was part of a tournament called the Southern Scuffle in Chattanooga, Tenn. and not a dual meet. I don't know how to quantify that for the survey. I mean, with so many teams, only one of them is going to win, so is it fair to ding the U. if they don't finish first?

And by the way, they didn't; they finished second behind Penn St., which, surprisingly, they defeated 23-14 at State College to begin Big Ten play way back on Nov. 20. Are they slipping?

They are going through the runts of the conference, whipping Ohio St. at Williams Arena Sunday, then holding Illinois to only nine points in Champaign Friday. And they'll probably destroy Purdue in West Lafayette this (Sunday) afternoon. This is all a prelude to the B1G and NCAA Championships.

#-2: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -2). They did reclaim the top spot in the polls after splitting with Wisconsin the previous weekend. They may lose it after losing at UMD Friday 4-2. They did make it up with a 3-0 shutout last (Saturday) night. But Cornell swept their two-game series at home to Quinnipiac, and the Badgers crushed North Dakota in Grand Forks Saturday 8-2 (with a Sunday afternoon tilt to complete the two-fer). The Bulldogs are ranked in the top ten, so they could retain the top spot.

Next up is a series against Bemidji St. at Ridder Arena.

#-3: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -4). They also split their series, at North Dakota, losing the first (in deflating fashion, by the way, as they squandered a lead and then lost late in regulation) before storming back last (Saturday) night and dick-smacking the soon-to-be-ex-Fighting Sioux 6-2 in what is supposed to be the last game these two teams play in Grand Forks, N.D. as members of the same conference. I the resounding rebound result, but I put them behind the lady icers because 1) the U. women lost to a higher-ranked team and 2) the U. men aren't the #1-ranked team in the country.

Taking a step back, the team is 12-4-0 in the conference and 16-8-1 overall -- in much better shape than last year. Barring a complete collapse -- touch wood -- they're back in the NCAAs for the first time in three years. Next week: a home two-fer against Colorado College.

#-4: Gopher men's basketball (Last Week: -6). I really, really doubt that their historic upset at Indiana Thursday -- the biggest win Tubby Smith has had at the U. -- changes the downward spiral this team is in. They lost at home to Purdue by 13, and I hear it wasn't even that close. But damn, what a win. The, what, 8th- or 10th-ranked team in the country -- and on the road?!?!?! That was a pressure cooker win right there. I still don't know how they did it. This (Sunday) afternoon they're at Penn St. Another winnable game.

#-5: Timberwolves (Last Week: -3). In previous seasons a friend of mine who works at Target Center would get complimentary tickets from his bosses. Since he needs to work, usually he would give it to me and another one of our friends. They sucked, but hey, it was a cheap night out.

No more, I'm guessing (sadface). They finished 2-3 this screening week, but it was a fun 2-3, crushing Washington and beating New Orleans, both on the road. They blew an 18-point lead and lost 83-81 at Atlanta last (Saturday) night, however. Ups and downs are acceptable for a team which, finally, seems to be looking up.

I noticed something after I heard that in a game this week, Rick Adelman benched Darko Milicic, Wesley Johnson and Wayne Ellington after the first quarter and never used them again. Rotations are the starting 5 is still a work in progress. Curious, I went to 82games and looked up the sabermetrics of all the five-man combinaions Adelman has trotted out. The most-used one, where Luke Ridnour's the point, Johnson's the wing, Michael Beasley is the 3, Kevin Love is the Power Forward and Donnie Darko is the pivot (and it's not even close), gives up 12 more points than it scores, and it has a record of 1-6. I think Adelman knows that's not good.

What shows promise is the #8 combination, where J.J. Barea runs things, Ricky Rubio is the 2, Anthony Tolliver (of all people) is the Small Forward, Derek Williams helps down in the blocks and Love's the Center. Note that you don't see Milicic, Johnson or Ellington. They have a +16 and have a 3-1 record. This proves that Beasley, an inefficient ballhog, has to be traded or at least benched for the good of the team. This also proves, unfortunately, that Johnson was not worth the third(?) pick of the draft a couple years ago. And Ellington, well, there's always Europe. Adelman has to know that Love, Rubio and Williams is the future of this team, a bright future.

This week: Sacramento and Detroit at home, then at the Clippers and Utah.

#-6: Wild (Last Week: -5). Even with one win this week (a bastard shootout kind at home to San Jose where they pissed away a two-goal lead very late in the third period), they have lost 12 of their last 14 and are holding on for dear life to the last Western Conference playoff spot. A 5-2 drubbing at Chicago which prompts General Manager Chuck Fletcher to rip the veterans a new one shows how bad things are going right now. A quasi-bag skate from Head Coach Mike Yeo before last (Saturday) night's game at St. Louis didn't help, either; they lost in a shootout 3-2.

This is totally not the team it was in early December. This week they complete their four-game road trip at Philadelphia and Toronto before ... oh my fucking God, The Team That Was Stolen From Us, The Bastard North Stars, come to town for the first time on Saturday.

#-7: Swarm (Re-Entry!). Hey, indoor lacrosse is back! And hey, the Smarm lost their season opener last (Saturday) night in Colorado, 20-14!

ILIndoor.com is slowly unveiling its Top 35 players in the National Lacrosse League. Forwards Callum Crawford (21) and last year's league scoring champ, Ryan Benesch (13) are featured. They also featured in the loss to the Mammoth; Crawford had four goals and five assists while Benesch had three goals and four assists.

ILIndoor also has a preview column. Although they were one-and-done in the NLL playoffs, the staff has picked the Smarm to be the worst team in the league!!! Rebuilding for the future, they all say. How can they be rebuilding when 1) they have the reigning scoring champ; 2) they have a pretty good veteran Goaltender in Nick Patterson; and 3) there are only nine teams (now that the Boston Blazers have gone belly-up)? If this is true, and they're the only team of the nine that won't make the postseason -- gosh, I fear for the health of the franchise.

Don't know why, but they have two weeks off until their home opener against Buffalo.

#-8: Gopher women's basketball (Last Week: -1). From the suite to the street, sistas. They just lost their only game this week, but it was a pretty bad one, a 17-point loss at home to, coincidentally, 17th-ranked Purdue.

What can I say? They've been swept by a pretty good Boilermakers team. They are now 2-2 in the B1G and 10-8 overall. I hope Pam Borton's players are going to class and being good role models. At Michigan this (Sunday) afternoon, then home to Michigan St. this Thursday.

The Great Computer Protection Software Swindle

My Fucking Father has some cockamamie ideas. He's a dreamer (it's where I get it from), so he often tells me to do things that make no sense and/or abandons far-fetched ideas that I knew would go nowhere. It is a chronic sorespot in our relationship: Making me do things I know don't work. This is one of those times.

It was after a dinner and I was either tired or occupied with watching TV or something when My Fucking Father called me downstairs to the computer room. He wanted me to help him order online some software. I don't think he wanted to buy it for that. The software cost $59.99, but the rebate would total $60. So My Father wanted this product because he would make a penny.

Not only did I think that was stupid, I was beside myself that Father would cream his pants over some antivirus software. So I rolled my eyes and sighed as I ordered it for him.

It was bullshit, all the way. My parents usually never pass up a buck, so if there's a rebate, they usually take it -- and I always help them fill it out. It's a pain in the ass, but I do it because hey, free money.

When I type it that way, I have no idea why I didn't even give this rebate a second thought. Partly it's because of the software, which is totally unnecessary. Partly it's because I usually stay away from helping My Fucking Father. And partly because I was busy working and dealing with my feelings over The Store and worrying over Grandmother's health and blah, blah, blah. So when the product came I didn't give it a second thought. I thought to myself, This is his stupid fucking thing, I don't care.

Tonight, while watching the 49ers-Saints game (what a fucking game, huh?), Father calls. "Did you put in the deck yet?" And I go, The deck? Oh, you're trying to say the disk.

"Yeah. We might have to return it if we're too late for the rebate. Check it out."

Oh, shit. There is an expiration date, isn't there? It's been so long since I helped him purchase it, I didn't even remember the month. And when I saw the date and the 30-day restriction, I was fucked. I needed to turn in the fucking rebate -- or return it -- before the New Year.

I tried calling Frys. Anna said it was too late for both the rebate and the return. I threw myself at her mercy. She still said no. Thanks for giving me mercy, bitch.

Do I take the chance of returning it? I mean, there's no real reason we're putting in the software. If we return it, My Fucking Father isn't going to go, "Hey, where's that antivirus software I ordered?" But if I just take the box he's going to know I returned it and he'll yell at me for not installing it in time. I had no choice but to keep it and install it.

But then I looked at the fine print, which, on the form I would have had to mail back (and I will still mail back, just in case) was really in fine print. Then I realized how much of a ripoff this rebate process really is.

I have to send the form as well as the UPC and a copy of the receipt. But to get the full rebate, I have to show that I am replacing another protection software from several specific companies. Furthermore, since they require some proof of purchase by this software being replaced, this rebate is only for antivirus programs that was installed on the computer independently. As far as I know, either Mother purchased the desktop I'm installing this new software on when she bought it, or I downloaded it. Either way, I don't have this proof of previous software.

One final thing: I need to send back the sale receipt. I'm looking all through the box and the packaging. What sale receipt? Where is this goddamn sale receipt? How can this rebate form be complete if you won't give me the stuff I need to send you?

I guess I should have read up on the description before buying this thing for My Father. But this reminds me of the software agreement windows you see on your computer, those long lists of rules and restrictions that you have to agree to in order for it to go through, so you just hit "I Agree" without reading a single word ... and then they don't work. This rebate crap, which I think is being manipulated, is the same murky, underhanded computer shenanigans we are all forced to trust even though we don't understand them because we can't use an essential part of our lives, our computer devices, without them. We get a bad feeling we're walking into something we don't comprehend because they're being created by IT geeks that probably delight in fucking us over. And because of these gotcha rules, My Fucking Father is out $60.

And right now I have an incomplete rebate to return. And I'm going to go through with it because ... well, I need to do something, even if it's too late. I really want to say, Fuck this, I don't care, this is just more bullshit from My Fucking Father. But I know I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll be so fucking sick for dropping the ball and totally ignoring the software. And I will feel so guilty that I'll make sure I pay the $59.99 that won't be rebated, even though the requirements are so onerous, tricky and unfair that getting the penny income from Frys is just about impossible.

Fuck my life.

ETA that I should be more specific about what I hate about what I did. I really don't have a sales receipt. And I don't have any "stand-alone" antivirus software I need to complete this rebate. That's cheating, so I'm not feeling guilty over that. However, I could have sent it back for a full refund for My Father. I can't do that -- despite my pleadings to this Anna, or "Anna" -- because I was too late. That I'll feel sick over. I feel sick about it now.

The Walls Are Closing In On Grandmother, And Thus Me

Last night, while My Father was putting this prescription topical cream on the back of my neck because it has this acne, he told me that if I find the list of nursing homes the county assessment nurse sent to me some time back, to give it to Mother.

Are they really moving on this? Ever after he forbade me to go into Grandmother's room, she's been OK. She's had her moments, but she's not batshit crazy. And as I've said before, he has turned off anything that could destroy the house. The main reason he (and I guess Mother) wants to put her in a home is because she annoys the fuck out of him -- I think.

I need to stall. I thought returning the nurse's call today would do it. But I got a message saying that the call could not be completed. Apparently the county did the work for me.

It'll work -- for now.

Expenses Without Receipt

• Monday, for the first time in a long time, I was back at the U. hearing lab. Same infusion of money, though: $20.
• Later that night, a surprise non-holiday trip to My Favorite Stripclub (Cover Division -- though without cover this night because I had a coupon.) Surprisingly, no waitress hounded me for a single drink. I was able to get a dozen dances with my Claudia, as well as tip her (and tip her only). I also tipped the bouncers on my way out, but I found a dollar inbetween the cushions of the chair I sat on tip side. So that cancels out, which means I gave all my money to Claudia, all: $126.
• Tuesday morning I was working at the MRI machine. I have to stuff my clothes and things in cubbie lockers because I can't go in the tube with any metal on. Well, when I was stuffing my clothes in one of them (I use one for my overcoat and one for the contents of my pockets) I saw a quarter. INFUSION: 25 cents.
• Before leaving for The Store I got a call from the extras place. Turns out they did hire me, but I didn't reply to the e-mail. I thought I wasn't hired, so I needed to check -- quickly. But I didn't have my laptop on me. So I went to the nearest library at the U. Had to pay street parking for it, however: 25 cents. (Wow, the same amount I found in the cubbie hole ... which is like giving the bouncers the tip I found in the chair at the stripclub. What goes around comes around, or things always even out at the end, or some other aphorism.)
• Turns out going to the library early was the right choice because I replied to the extras e-mail just in time, I believe. I worked late that evening and my wagers were: $20.
• Thursday, before the lab, I treated myself to Chipotle. With tip: $9.
• The lab, of course. INFUSION: $20.
• I then deposited money into my checking account -- not just the checks I received from my jobs, but the money I took out before going to My Favorite Stripclub (Cover Division). Had too much money, so I took out of my wallet to add to the deposit: $40.

I think that's good enough for now.

I was afraid it was comin', but it still blindsided me today. After realizing that, for reasons sentimental and otherwise, I want Grandmother to stay, I suffered a 1-2 punch. First, the nurse voicemailed me that she needed to come in and reassess her ... unless we were going to put her in a nursing home. Later, at The Store, Father wanted me to call the number of a home he's planning to shove her into. He actually wanted to visit the place early tomorrow morning, but luckily the people who could show us around, according to my voicemail, wouldn't be free till later in the morning. That, and I didn't even turn on my phone after the end of the business day.

Nor did I return the nurse's call. I need to stall. But how? Grandmother's not demented, she's just a little stir-crazy with nothing to do. And Father shut off all the things that she could destroy the house with. Why can't she just stay???

More Final Signs On The Death Of The Store

On Tuesday I was helping out Father at The Store. The phone rang. Although he was right there next to it, he didn't answer it.

I didn't see him, but I got up to start to get to the phone. "Don't," he said, "it's just a salesman."

For a millisecond there I wanted to ask why, but I didn't, because I really didn't want to hear the answer. But he gave me one anyway: "We're not buying anything anymore," he said.

I could guess that, but then he came with even graver news: "The Store will be closing in one, maybe two months."

My God. That's it? I'll be honest; I actually felt a little relief for the next day on that. The uncertainty, the chance that I'd just show up to The Store one day only to see the back door padlocked and the front door with a "For Sale" sign on it, weighed on me. I may not like that the day is coming, but if it is, I would like to know when. I kind of have a ballpark date now ... assuming My Father's right. And he's been wrong before.

But today I came to my senses -- Why am I happy about this? I told myself. I shouldn't be happy. I may be relieved, but I shouldn't be relieved, either. There is an end. And now I know the date, or at least an approximate one. And I will not be ready, no matter what.

---

This is weird. Mother asked me Tuesday night for help looking up her paychecks online. Signing her up wasn't as arduous as, for example, helping her pay mortgage payments for my parents' Vegas properties.

But while I was helping her through it she dropped a motherfucking bombshell, something I didn't even come close to asking for: "I'm going to quit."

WHAT???????!!!!!!!!!!!! Quit?!?!?! Why??? Who ... who's going to bring home the money now?

She says that even though the job brings in a lot of money -- and looking over her payments she does -- she says that Father wants her to quit. Funny; when Father broke the news about The Store Tuesday he said she wants to quit because she doesn't like the job. Well, which is it?

Well, the reason why she can is that they were indeed bought out. One of the stipulations was that Mother worked for them for six months. I was told by Father that Mother's managers like them a lot. But now that that six-month window has passed, she doesn't have to work for them anymore. And I guess she won't.

You know, when Father told me Tuesday about The Store's -- gulp -- end date, I had a dream where Mother would realize The End is near and think that, at the end of the day, she does not want to work for another person. As tough as it is, being your own boss was the one thing that mattered most to her. That's what I admired most about my parents, and so I thought that she'd just tell Father, "Screw this, I don't like working for another person, we're bring back The Store!" And My Father would be, "What the fuck are you talking about???" and they'd argue, but at the end Mother would run The Store and hire back the two people they let go. Father could retire and do whatever the hell he wanted, but Mother would stay and work. And I'd hold her and cry because I knew, deep down, she needed to be independent.

Instead, for some goddamn reason, tonight I'm supposed to type out her resignation letter. I don't know why. I don't want to do it. Maybe if I don't do it, she'll continue to work. I mean, if no one is working, where is the money going to come from?

We're going to be out on the street.

I'm really scared now.

Expenses Without Receipt

Catching up on a week. Wish me luck:

• Thursday morning I went to cash in a lottery ticket. A big one: $150 (INFUSION).
• Friday night I went to the Minnesota women's hockey game. Hot dog, pop, program: $9.
• Saturday night I went to the Minnesota men's hockey game. Scalped ticket, hot dog, pop, program: $37.

Christ ... at the risk of missing a lot of things, that's it -- for now. Gotta go.

ETA: I forgot that I went to visit Youth-In-Government Friday afternoon. I assume everybody knows what YIG is. I was surprised that they had merchandise to sell; they didn't do that when I was in high school. Anyway, I was so sentimental that I bought a pin: $3.

And then, after the women's hockey game, I went to My Favorite Coffeehouse (Late-Night Version). Mocha with tip: $5.25.

My fucking God, I am bad at this. After coffee I went to My Favorite Late-Night Place for a late-night bite: $10 (with tip).

And then on Saturday, Grandmother went to the casino. For good luck (I guess it's a Chinese thing), I gave her $1. I think it was Saturday.

That night, after the men's hockey game, I went to My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Version). Coffee gratis, so tips and a dance with Mariah only: $26.

And then, after the strip club, I went to My Favorite Late-Night Place for another late-night bite: $13 (with tip).

(I'm writing these from my day planner. It's supposed to be the other way around: Typing them out here is supposed to help me keep track of expenses I'll put in my day planner. Oh, I am fucking this up.)

Premature Ejaculation -- Twice!

I think I've already said that I'm a porn addict. One sign that I am is that most times when I log on with something I need to do, I invariably go to a porn website and jerk off until I cum. Only then do I feel like I can go back to doing what it is I intended to do. It's an OCD thing.

Tonight was one of those times, but with a twist. I still need to complete a column about college football's Mythical National Championship -- I know it's already over, I'm still gonna do it -- but ... I don't know when or how to what, but I started looking at porn. And when I start looking at porn, I pull down my pants and start pulling on my cock.

Well, I had gone through page after page, which is routine. There were some good pictures, but it's not as if I'm a premature ejaculator ... most of the time. But then, a few hours ago, while wanking to a good, hot picture, I felt something. I don't know if you guys can relate, but when you touch yourself and you're getting real hot and bothered, and you're shaking your bottle, you feel a muscle twitch so much that ... you feel like your urethra went past a tipping point, you know? Then, you know that you're gonna cum, but because your ejaculate didn't immediately fire out your pisshole, you think you can somehow contain it, and instead the cum just oozes out. Has anyone ever had that feeling? Well, that happened to me.

I've done that before; no big deal. I've been able to orgasm myself, even though the trigger has already been fired, so to speak. So I just kept on jerking my chicken, because I thought I had a ways to go before I could retreat to the bathroom and really knock it off.

But then, as I was going through more really erotic photos, I went a wank too far. I felt that I went "over the edge" again, only this time I wasn't going to be able to contain part of my orgasm. This was all coming out, all at once, all as far as it was going to go. In a split second I said, "Well, I'm in my bedroom, so this is going to cause one hell of a mess, but let it happen."

What I made sure to do was turn away from my desk where my laptop was. But where would I go? If I spin my chair to the right, I'd go to my bed. No. If I went to the left, there were papers and clothes. Good enough. And I let my semen fly. I didn't actively look at my ropes, but coming out of my dick it jettisoned like rockets. I could feel the warmth of my hot cum over my fingers, then over my dick fur, then my genitals, then my groin muscles. I know this was going to be a fucking mess. But I can't stop my urges, or Mother Nature. I just kept cocking my cock, and zoom! out went another projectile.

When I was done, I kind of regretted it; much of it fell just beyond the range of my penis, which meant in landed on my underwear, specifically inside, where, if I just pulled my pants up, I would be sitting right in it. I also got the back of my pajama pants, which sucks because I just changed into them. They're new for the week. (I change pj's about once every two weeks. Yes, I'm a slob. No, I don't go out in them, so it doesn't matter.) Oh well, can't just go to bed in them. Worst of all was all the cum on the chair, right where I spread my legs. And there wasn't a towel in sight.

I am glad, however, I did not throw my dirty clothes in the hamper just yet. So I took off my pants and long underwear (the latter of which have these annoying zippers around the legs, which I did not unzip) and bottomless, I waddled over to these dirty clothes. I used them as rags, cleaning up my hands, then my torso, then the chair, then anything that might have fallen on the floor (no idea exactly where). I put on my old pajama bottoms -- I'll be wearing the red ones for a third week -- sans undies, rolled all my soon-to-be-crusty laundry into a ball, and headed out to the hamper, which is right next to the bathroom, where I proceeded not to masturbate, but now to clean off for good and then brush my teeth.

I really don't want to prematurely cum like that again. I don't know how it happened to me. I'm not that responsive. I don't think it'll happen again.

But you know what? It felt guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuud!