#-1: Vikings (Last Week: -5). In what really was The Most Anticipated Regular Season National Football League Game In Recent History If Not Of All Time, Brett Farve was deceptively efficient, completing 17 of only 28 passes. It's the four touchdowns -- against no interceptions -- that made his performance stand out in the game. His will-he-retire-or-won't-he schtick will get lame again once the offseason rolls around, and we're getting close to the point in the season where people who have compiled statistics prove he starts to suck. But we'll enjoy him till then. The Vikes have a bye this week, so Favre can tend to his groin. Also, the next three games are at home against Detroit, Seattle and Chicago. This is the NFL, so it's possible that they'll lose two of those games. But assuming that the talent difference on paper will match what happens at the Metrodome, Favre can take it easy and let Adrian Peterson shoulder more of the load than he appears to have done ever since the win over San Francisco. And even if they don't run the table this homestand, the win and sweep of the Green Bay Packers gives the squad a stranglehold on the NFC North.
#-2: Wild (Last Week: -6). I feel bad ranking this team behind the Vikings because they also went undefeated for the week and won one more game than them, but I still can't look past their horrible start, especially in games on the road. Nevertheless, they won their sole road game; they only beat the defending Stanley Cup Champions, the Pittsburgh Penguins. (Vengeance for '91, assholes!). They did that after winning at the X against the New York Rangers while Original Wild Marian Gaborik was a pussy and didn't play because another one of his body parts below where his belt would be hurt. A home-road back-to-back going east is impressive. Enjoy it while it lasts, guys -- I'm still not convinced you have a really talented team. This week: They host Vancouver Thursday, then host The Team That Was Stolen From Us Saturday, then visit Toronto Tuesday -- hey, have the Maple Leafs won a game yet?
#-3: Gopher football (Last Week: -7). As I've touched on before here, I think, this team is exactly like the ones during the Glen Mason years: They may surprise a team that's better than them once a season, an Ohio St. or Michigan or Penn St., then they lose to a team they should beat once a season, a Northwestern or Indiana, and everything sorts out with the rest of the schedule. In other words, they won't be the laughingstock, but they sure as hell won't make room at the top in the Buckeyes/Wolverines/Nittany Lions triumvirate.
Michigan St. is kind of in the same boat. In fact, their program the past decade or so has generated a lot stupid drama while not racking up the wins on the field. They are just as dysfunctional as the Gophers are, except with a hell of a lot more players breaking the law. So I guess it stands to reason that even though they lost Fucking Wideout Godhead Eric Decker for the rest of the regular season, Minnesota stood tall and finally put away the Spartans Saturday afternoon, 42-34. It was a pulsating win filled with back-and-forth pushes that kept the team and the fans at The Bank on their toes. Quarterback Adam Weber finally seemed to do what he does best: throw, throw, and throw some more. This means they're one win away for qualifying to go to a meaningless exhibition game, and they probably will get it at home this Saturday afternoon against Illinois and embattled Coach Ron Zook.
#-4: Gopher women's soccer (Last Week: -4). It took an extra seven minutes, but the Gophs broke a scoreless tie with Northwestern when Kylie Kallman deflected a free kick for a 1-0 victory, breaking a four-game winless streak. Only in soccer can you struggle to defeat a team that's a lot worse on paper because no one scores, like, 16-1. The final game of the season is this Friday night versus Indiana, which is one of those teams "Receiving Votes." Receiving plaudits are Sara Clancy and Dana Tripp, who are playing their last regular-season game on Senior Night. I plan on being there!
#-5: Gopher men's hockey (Last Week: -8). The good news: They won their first games of the season this past weekend. They swept Alaska-Anchorage, a program that, frankly, has no business being a program because it's perpetually overmatched. Tony Lucia, Captain and son of Gophers Coach Don, was named WCHA Offensive Player Of The Week. The bad news: Two very important players are out for an extended period of time on injuries suffered this week. Defenseman Nick Leddy broke his jaw in Friday's game against the Seawolves and will be out a month or more. Then on Tuesday, during practice, Right Winger Jay Barriball tore something in his knee and is done for the year. Great -- now they'll have an excuse when they miss the NCAA Tournament this year. They face Wisconsin on the road for two this weekend. The Badgers are 18th in the latest USCHO poll; the Gophers aren't on the list. When's the last time that happened?
#-6: Timberwolves (Last Week: -2). Wow, it's a tale of two cities in the WMNSS. The top half of the poll won at least one game; these next five didn't win any of their games. None. And the team that lost the most games (0-4) is actually the best out of the five (for reasons I'll elaborate on for each team below). What I'm worried about is how Head Coach Kurt Rambis is bringing along Point Guard Of The Future Jonny Flynn. Rambis has been benching him after he fucks up and putting in "mentor" Ramon Sessions (who's been in the NBA all of two years). Rambis, Flynn's a rookie -- he's going to fuck up. How is sitting him down going to teach him a life lesson? You guys are going nowhere. Let him make his mistakes without punishing him and forcing him to look at how it's supposed to be like not doing it will help. Let's be honest here -- we need him more than he needs us. They have another four on tap this week: home to Milwaukee, at Portland, at Golden State, then home to Portland.
#-7: Gopher men's basketball (Re-Entry!). The season hasn't even started yet and it looks like it might be a lost cause. Senior Devron Bostick and much-maligned Mr. Minnesota Basketball Royce White were suspended this week. White, who transferred high schools after breaking the law, stole some shit at the Macy's at the Mall Of America; right now no one knows what Bostick did (surprising given that we have the Internet). And don't forget Marquette transfer Power Forward Trevor Mbakwe, who was charged with assaulting someone in Miami this April; he won't be allowed on the team. It's bad enough that this happens on the eve of the season, even worse when it seems to come at you all at once. This is as worse as it can get because the team is ranked in both pre-season polls. There is so much promise heading into this week's two pre-season games that this mess can't be seen as anything but a year-ender. (And by the way, I can't find news of either suspension, not even an official press release, anywhere on the Gopher sports' website. Unacceptable and shameful.)
#-8: Gopher women's hockey (Last Week: -1). What is bad is getting swept on the road by your archrival when you're supposed to the better team. But that's exactly what happened as the Gophs lost their eight-game winning streak to start the season with 4-2 and 5-2 losses to Wisconsin is ranked in the Top 10 ... but Minnesota was ranked second. Even Goalie Noora Räty, a player I thought was a "playa," saved only 35 shots. This team could skitter to a thud once again this year. They're on the road again, but playing at MSU-Mankato this weekend.
#-9: Gopher volleyball (Last Week: -3). What is worse is getting completely swept on the road by a team that's a lot better than you, than by a team that's supposedly a lot worse than you. But that's what happened to the volleyballers, who got balled by consecutive 3-0 scores to nationwide #1 Penn St. and nobody Ohio St. They're still ranked in the AVCA at #12 -- somehow. I might've said this before, but if I have I'll repeate for emphasis: The Pavilion hosts a regional this year. I believed that their season would end there. I now am afraid that they won't even get there. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this team. They should beat Indiana and Purdue at the Pav this weekend -- emphasis on "should."
#-10: Gopher women's basketball (Re-Entry!). However, what is worst of all is losing your first game, an exhibition, to a lower-division team. But that's how the distaff ballers kick off their season with, as Winona St. nips them with one second left and go down in defeat, 64-62. I don't care if this doesn't "count" -- you're a big-time program in a BCS conference, and you should fucking destroy teams in lower divisions like Winona St., no goddamn ifs, ands or buts about it. When are fans going to stop dreaming about their Final Four run and realize this program hasn't done shit since? What have they done for us lately? And will these ladies lose to UMD Sunday? I wouldn't put it past them.
(Final observation: It's sad that the last three spots in this week's poll are comprised by women's teams. It seems like this week we saw the women's movement turned back by a quarter-century.)
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