My God, I Turn 36 Today

Today is my birthday. I've remarked to some people when I told them my birthday falls on St. Patrick's Day that I don't like to go out because I'm not much of a drinker and that once people know it's my birthday they feel obligated to get me drinks, and so many people will be so generous that I won't be able to drink it all and I'd throw it all up. I've told those people that I tried going out on my birthday once before. Truth is, I've never done that because I knew I didn't want to deal with the hassle. I mean, I don't mind celebrating my birthday, but plying me with drinks is not my way of having fun. Lapdances, sexual favors ... that would be my way of having fun. But I've never done that.

---

The best birthday gift I've ever had? Seeing my Grandmother get naturalized as a U.S. citizen on March 17. The worst? Flying back to my alma mater after Spring Break and learning a friend and dormmate drowned.

My junior year I was just dinkin' around the dorm hallway. One of the guys there was of age and therefore was allowed to keep alcohol in his room.

I sauntered in there; I could do that because his door was open. It was open a lot of the time. There, he and his dorm girlfriend (or at least the girl who hung out with him often) were just listening to music.

I told him it was my birthday. He generously poured me a shot of either whiskey or bourbon. It was bad, but my mood became better. Pretty soon some other guys on the floor came in and we just hung out.

It's in nights like that where I would enjoy celebrating my birthday.

---

Thirty-five is a huge milestone age. Thirty-six might be even worse because that's half of 72, and 72 is getting close to the expected years of life a man who was born 36 years ago would live.

What have I done during these 36 years? Nothing -- except be with my family. And you know what? I don't think it's wrong of me to do that.

Right now, what with The Store (gulp) and Grandmother (gulp), I feel the need to break away. Why haven't I done this before? Why wasn't I prepared for this day?

And then I realized: I did not do this because, in my heart of hearts, I felt it necessary to be there for my family. They may not like it, but I think I would be betraying my family if I just went out and did things out on my own. My Grandmother was always there for me when I was young; I think I need to return the favor, especially as she's getting more mentally erratic. And my parents keep asking me to do things or to explain things because their English isn't the greatest. What happens if they need me to translate something and I wasn't there? That could cost them something very important. I don't think I would be able to live with myself unless I absolutely knew I could help them to the best of my abilities on stuff they say they need.

Now, could these be excuses for not growing up? Yes. But I guess that deep down, I don't want to break away from my family. My identity is wrapped up with my family. This is subject to change, especially with my parents retiring. I mean, it's really weird; I don't think I've comprehended how life around the house for me will change now that the 'Rents will be spending a lot, if not all, of their time at home. I always thought that a little distance between us was the best way for all of us to stay living together in the same place. (Of course, I never told my parents that. Staying at home at 36 is a red flag for, well, just about anything.) However, I'm getting that itch that I need to leave now that they're going to be home much more often. I hope they don't think I'm trying to avoid them ... although, yes, I kind of am.

Goddamn, I'm 36 years old. At the very least I should go to a strip club, right?