Feeling Very Self-Destructive Right Now

The closing of The Store is one thing. My Grandmother being put in a nursing home is another. But to have both coming in a matter of a month -- which is becoming more and more of a possibility -- has put me into an emotional state I have never been in before.

I've had panic attacks in the past, times where I just don't think I can't go on. I remember a real bad one in college, and the time I opened my Ivy college rejection letters. They pale in comparison to what is happening to me right now because the consequences are real. My world is ending and there isn't a goddamn thing I can do to stop it. Fuck looking forward to new things. I'm just trying to get through the day without having a mental breakdown. And I don't think I can. And I don't think I want to.

I almost goaded a driver into a race on the road. Can't remember the last time I waved my head at another car to "bring it on" like I did today.

And I just tried masturbating to bring the stress down. Didn't work.

I don't care anymore. I just don't give a fuck.