Shitting Rabbit Pellets

For the last ... well, ever since I found steady work as a test scorer, I believe that I have drank so much coffee during the workweek (and sometimes on the weekends; I usually have coffee at My Favorite Stripclub [Non-Cover Edition]) that I suck the water out of my excretory system, thereby leaving me with extremely dry and extremely small, uh, leavings.  I would be more concerned about what this means (that I'm not regular) if not for the fact that I'm really busy during the day and then so tired at night that I have no time to concern myself with the constitution of my fecal matter.

Nevertheless I have noticed during every workweek that, on the occasions where I actually do take a shit (and that is not often) I can only excrete in small pellets, the ones that make a high-pitched "plop!" sound once it hits the water.  If I'm lucky I get to create a short symphony of them.  But that's usually all I can expel out of my body.

It didn't really bother me until this past weekend.  Friday I picked up my parents from the airport, and for dinner Mother made all of us instant ramen.  Then I had fettucine alfredo from My Favorite Late-Night Italian Place after a long day of business and pleasure.  I woke up early Sunday with a pang in my lower abdomen, a sign (at least to me) that my colon was about to explode.  And it did.  And it continued to, off and on, over the course of the day.  No rabbit pellets here; we're talking about long tails of feces, as well those semi-solid pieces that float on the water.  As bad as the toilet looked before I flushed it, it made me feel really good inside.

Which made me think what I'm doing to my body drinking coffee all week might not be the greatest thing.  It seems as if all workweek I'm starving my body of water and pumping myself full of caffeine, resulting in dry shits.  As soon as I feel I can relax and eat greasy food, my thirsty body sops up all the water in order to finally push out all the body waste that apparently is stored in my intestines.  That probably means I should eat and drink in order to be more regular.  But man, I have to consume my two cups of coffee per day or else I can't stay awake and aware.  What should I do?