Was totally fatigued in the evening. Had to power my way through what I thought was a lackluster So You Think You Can Dance, but my body was telling me I had to crash, so I turned off the TV and the lights a bit after 9 and let myself rest.
And I did, till about 2:30. And then I remember all the shit I need to do. Things such as this blog, finding out if those shorts I prepared myself for the week really are too small for me now, and cutting out the gas coupon for Double Discount Tuesday (I was going to just do that in the morning, but then I knew I would forget; that in particular is what prevented me from trying to go back to bed and instead get up).
Worse, I now remember all the shit I should do in preparation for things I can't quite foresee or solve. That bitch who told me off at My Favorite Stripclub (Non-Cover Version) is still on my mind. Not being welcome at that place still infuriates me, but staying away may lose me everything I've fought for. I have no idea what I should do or when I should do it.
You know what I did to combat that anxiety? Monday at work I texted all the strippers I know to see if they're doing any house parties. I totally will get dances from them then -- that'll totally show her I get dances; she just got pissed because I don't get dances from her. I'm totally trying to prove to myself that I'm not cheap, but I'm not trying to show her up while doing that because that would be acknowledging her bullshit accusations. Of course, none of this means I can just waltz back into that place, let alone waltz back into that place and assume everything's fine. (By the way, there's a chance that a girl may be doing a party; time to hang out with my wang out, for the first time in a long time!)
The other big sword swinging over my head is this party, which is now less than two weeks. Try as I might, I don't think we're prepared at all. The host seems to have a pretty level head about it -- which is good, because I'm freaking the fuck out. What's worse is that I have no one else to rely on. There's a guy who's too busy moving, and there's no one else that's planning this. I have a contact to whom I have asked questions; she hasn't gotten back to me. Also, I put out a call for volunteers for the day, and I heard of one person. Just one guy. I don't know if there's been a breakdown in communication, but there's also a chance that people simply don't respect me and therefore don't want to help.
I know more needs to be done, but I have no idea what that is. Therefore, I have no idea if what I'm doing (or not doing) is correct, and I have no one I can bounce ideas off of. There is no one to turn to except me. And that is a recipe for instant failure.
My God, all of this is fucked up.
I need to go back to sleep, but I think I just scared myself into staying awake till morning.
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